MIL wants to spend alone time with DD

[newmum0519]

My DD is about to turn 6 months old. We live very near our in-laws and see them at least once a week. My MIL text me today saying she is disappointed that she hasn't spent any time alone with her granddaughter and could we set something up next week. AIBU to say no to this?

“ It's a new thing, surely, this idea that grandparents are entitled to alone time with their grandchildren?“

Obviously they aren’t entitled to alone time. But no, of course it’s not new. In the days of large families and very little paid child care, grandparents and childless aunts and other female relations were the main sources of help and childcare. What’s new is the concept of the “little family” where mothers are expected to do everything on their own and shut out the wider family.
But nobody should leave her baby unless she wants to.

The key word in that sentence was "entitled".

I think you're too attached to your DD. It's good for babies to spend time with others, that's how they build relationships. The fact that you've not even left her with her own father for more than 15 minutes is also very telling. I'm pretty sure that at 6 months she's not needing to be fed every 15 minutes, probably more like every 4/5 hours.
This is just nonsense. You can't be too attached (well, maybe, but OP doesn't sound remotely abnormal). Babies have a primary caregiver and attach to them for years. Doesn't stop them being sociable and building relationships; you don't need to force independence on a 6-month-old for heaven's sake. And mine feeds every 90 minutes to two hours at almost seven months; some of them feed like that, some don't. It's also about more than nutrition and hydration. Ask DD to go five hours and she'd bite you.

Unless there's a terminal illness dripfeed, OP's MIL has years to bond with her grandchild and spend time alone. She's in a rush for no reason.

If you're EBF then it's hard to leave them with other people anyway.

I'm in the same boat as you at the moment OP. MIL wants to look after young baby, but I'm not comfortable with it because she doesn't spend a lot of time with baby the rest of the time.

Oh fgs! There is absolutely nothing wrong with a mum not wanting to leave her breastfeeding baby! I can’t believe some of the comments on here!
Yes, if you are happy to leave a baby with a grandparent, that is absolutely fine. But if you are not THAT IS FINE too. If your MIL wants to be more involved, then maybe just spend more time with her, letting her hold/play with baby - you could take opportunity to do housework/cooking/phone a friend etc. Once you are ready, maybe she could take the baby for a walk round block in the buggy, but I remember when my first was about 5 months old and I had a haircut. My DH was pushing buggy around the streets by the shop, and came in with him halfway through as I couldn’t bear to be apart. When he was a little older and breastfeeding less frequent/ could use expressed milk, I was more than happy to go out for odd evening, or be apart if needed. It’s a gradual process. Your decision.

I don't think its that weird that your DH has only looked after your 6m old for 15mins while you are out of the house if you are breastfeeding and on maternity leave.
We were probably the same, DS might have stayed in a different room with DH for a few hours while I had a shower/sleep/did some housework but apart from our walking distance cornershop there was no where I could physically get to and back from (non driver) until DS would get hungry. Plus DH had been at work all week and I wanted to do stuff together at the weekend.

I started leaving DS with MIL for practise when he was about 10m old (and on solids as I didnt want to express) and he was completly fine with her by the time I went back to work when he was 1. I left DS with DM earlier but that was because she didnt work and came round more often so it was easier to organise.

Say no. My 18 month old dd has never spent time alone with my MIL, your mil doesn't need time alone to bond with her, if she can't bond with her in front of you then what is she planning to do behind your back?

Oh yes, act like mommy because she can't do that in front of you!

Trust your instincts

"Is MIl manipulative because she has felt so left out!!"

Have you even read Op's posts?

She has expectations, but it’s not up to you to fulfill them. 6 months is still very young, everyone is different. Good on you for developing such a strong bond with your baby. I feel the same about going to the movies versus spending time with my baby. In time she will have her alone time. But you’re not ready yet. A big part is feeling reassured that your baby is comfortable with your MIL. Mine wanted alone time when we visited at 11 months but my daughter wasn’t comfortable, my MIL was too full on and pushy with her, so my daughter was never alone with her.
She sounds entitled. This won’t be the last thing you have to push back on. Don’t get pushed around because I’d say she’s going to have many expectations you aren’t necessarily going to be comfortable with.

My MIL ask for some alone time with my ds the day after he got out the hospital (7weeks premature) I just don't understand some people especially MILs . Tbh she still has wnt had much alone time with him (23months) as she will tell me when she want him for example ' I will come dwn tomorrow and take him xyz' it's drives me nuts! She and I have never got along, she thinks her son is too good for me etc, me and my partner have been together 15yrs and 1 child. She started speaking to me when she found out I was pregnant. X

What is the fascination of spending time alone with grandchildren. I just don't get it.

“ Oh yes, act like mommy because she can't do that in front of you! ”

Out of interest- what does this mean?

She dsnt give me my place at all! Which is not happening when it comes to my child 🤷🏼‍♀️ x

My MIL is like this, she’s had 5 kids of her own to raise so this is mine and DHs time, of course she will get DD on her own at some point, but I’m still BF and DD is 11 months old.

I wish people would stop pressuring you to leave your DD when neither of your want to, I’m super attached to my DD too! Your MIL needs to let you enjoy this time with your baby, just as she will I’ve done with hers many years ago

Can she watch her in your own home whilst you cook or clean, or get some jobs done? Even have a shower!

Maybe batch cook some purées?

Given your update it sounds like MIL is angling to do childcare for two days a week when you return to work. Which sounds awful given how manipulative she is currently.

If you're not ready you're not ready! I purposefully have left DD with her dad and gone out though from fairly early on (yes I breastfeed but she's never been a hugely frequent feeder and always happy to take a bottle of expressed - we introduced bottles early partly for this reason) - haircut, cinema trip and lunch with another mum, dinner with friends - because I think that he only really learns how to parent her effectively in his own way when I'm not there hovering or ready to step in. I really believe doing so has helped their relationship and I would feel totally comfortable if I had to leave them for a weekend (well comfortable in the sense I know they would both be fine, I would miss her terribly!) for any reason. My mum has had her for a couple of hours while we went out for dinner too. But I think
it is a personal thing, and it makes more sense to work on leaving your partner with her than your MIL at this stage I think.

The bigger issues here is her history of manipulative behaviour and the ‘disappointed’ comment. Completely right to say a clear, direct, but polite, no. You do not need to explain yourself or get into a debate. Enjoy the next few months.

torain6319

i actually find it odd that you don’t leave dd with dh except to walk the dog so you obviously aren’t ready to leave her with anyone else. You’re setting DD up to get hysterical when you’re out of sight. I’d also imagine dh feels “disappointed” as well as you don’t trust him to cope with dd either. Get a grip op before no one is able to mind dd except you. I shudder to think how you’d react if you had to leave her for work.

OP, don’t pay any attention to this, and others saying about separation anxiety; it simply isn’t true. It is actually the opposite that prevents an anxious baby. Being with your baby creates a secure attachment with you so that when the time comes, your infant is happy enough to be left with other people.

I never left my DD with anyone else until I went back to work at 14 months.

She has NEVER cried when I have left her. She waves me off with a smile.

If you do things your way, you are actually less likely to have issues with separation anxiety. I’m still waiting for this phase, and she’s well over 3 years old.

It sounds like you need to try and be without DD for short times, as it sounds like you can't do it rather than just don't want to.

BUT, your MIL has no right to be "disappointed". You say you see her at least once a week. Grandparents need to remember sometimes that the children are not theirs, and it's up to the parents what they do.

But take care of yourself :). I know it's worrying and scary to leave your baby, but you will need to do it eventually, so it might help to have a trusted family member give it a go :).

You could say no however it might cause problems with your husband? What are you concerns? X

I was like this with my DC1 so i get where you are coming from totally. By DC3 i was begging my MIL to take them from me

Say no. My 18 month old dd has never spent time alone with my MIL, your mil doesn't need time alone to bond with her, if she can't bond with her in front of you then what is she planning to do behind your back?

What an absolutley stupid remark.We dont "plan" anything to do behind your back.

Its just lovely to have 1 on 1 time with my gs.
Plus it is possible for a mil not to be over bearing.

And i wonder how many on her telling @newmum0519 to say no,would be fine and dandy not to be allowed nar their own gc.

I have a 6 month old and an older child. Both were probably left with DH for only up to an hour every now and then at the 6 month mark. Mainly because of breastfeeding, also being they get very clingy at that age and whenever I pop out I come back to find a hysterical baby and that’s no fun for anyone. DH does baths when he’s back early enough and plays with the baby, is fully involved with solids and nappy changes etc. Honestly, during the baby stage mine pretty much live on me and I don’t think it’s strange or bad for them. In fact, I think that’s what babies want.

I think with my first my MIL offered to have him for an hour or two and it was my DH that found the suggestion completely baffling, not me although I probably would also have said no on reflection. I don’t think anyone was insulted about it. He can spend 1-1 time now he’s older, I’m fully up for that, it’s just I think babies need their primary carer (usually the mother) around almost all the time and I don’t see what there is to be gained by 1-1 time that young.
Now my first is older they actually go off and have little adventures outside together and things and they’re both getting things out of that. I fail to see how it would benefit the baby to have 1-1 time with an adult she barely knows and spend the whole time frantic and crying. Luckily my MIL only ever offers things with babies to be polite and prefers children when they can wade through streams and clamber up hills and things with her anyway.

Personally i was happy to leave DS from a very early age with both DH and MIL/FIL/SIL. I thought it was wonderful that we had great support so close by and it was great for DS.

If you are planning on going back to work I think it would be wise to start preparing for this. I went back f/t so we put DS in nursery one day a week the couple of months before I went back so we were all used to to being apart. it also made my first day back at work much easier as he already knew the nursery and the staff really well.