MIL wants to spend alone time with DD

[newmum0519]

My DD is about to turn 6 months old. We live very near our in-laws and see them at least once a week. My MIL text me today saying she is disappointed that she hasn't spent any time alone with her granddaughter and could we set something up next week. AIBU to say no to this?

I'll give you that. It's harder and more stressful for all concerned.

I look after DGD, aged 19 m and bf (although mainly at night now) for 2 days a week while DDIL is at work. I can honestly say it’s an absolute doddle, after having had three children, including twins, now grown up!

However, IMO its been much easier for DGD to accept, because we have spent a lot of time with her and got to know what makes her tick, since the day she was born - we used to walk round with her to get her to sleep, in the early weeks when her parents looked like the walking dead!

Y is it the MILs that's so pushy? My own mum never pushed and knew I needed time.

Sometimes because they are horrible people. Sometimes because they are much lower in the pecking order than the maternal grandmother, and what would be considered perfectly normal in her is regarded as pushy and entitled in the paternal grandmother.

I also don’t get some gps obsession with alone time with the baby. Wtf is that all about.

Surely this is something that just happens, I’d have been very wary if anyone had specifically demanded alone time.

Op you’ve had some good suggestions from pp, good luck with your mil, good to hear dh is on your side.

There are always little key words that point up this dynamic. Someone, for example, on this thread (not the OP and I won’t highlight who) said “I didn’t even leave her with my mother until....” See that telling “even”?

Wanting alone time is not necessarily an obsession. Holding, playing, interacting with a child while its mother watches every tiny thing you do is not necessarily a relaxed and pleasurable experience. Not all of us feel unconscious enough to be silly while being watched closely.

I don't think it's unusual for a woman to trust the mother who raised her from birth more than a woman who has only been in her life for maybe a few years.

And looking after young children without their anxious mother present is way easier than with her there.
You do know we have all raised kids ourselves? And you do learn a lot along the way if you are a reasonably decent mother. I was way more competent at looking after kids by the time mine were teenagers than I was when I had my first baby.

“I don't think it's unusual for a woman to trust the mother who raised her from birth more than a woman who has only been in her life for maybe a few years.“
But she raised the baby’s other parent! It’s perfectly understandable why a woman would feel like that- but it’s also perfectly understandable that the paternal grandmother might feel sad and sidelined. That does not make her a horrible person- it just makes her a human being.

I think that text from MIL is pushy bordering on controlling. Whilst I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a 6 month old being left with her grandmother per se, it’s the way your MIL is going about it that would get to me. She should respect your wishes, not try to force you into something. I would say something like: MiL this isn’t right for us yet, I’ll get in touch with you when it is and arrange something then.

When my daughter has a baby I cannot imagine wanting to force her to let me have him on my own, I've had my time being the mum, eventually it will happen, don't understand the rush to do things that will happen naturally. No baby on the horizon yet, but I will want to support her, I remember what it was like when my MIL was wanting to take my babies. Absolutely not selfish.

Absolutely- forcing is completely wrong. Nothing wrong with asking, though. And nothing wrong with saying no!

So what if the MIL raised the other parent. The Mum wasn't there to witness it. Obviously (well assuming a reasonable childhood) she will instinctively trust the woman she experienced growing up with over someone she didn't.

The paternal grandmother may feel sidelined but acting needy isn't going to help. If there is one thing my own mother taught me it's never try to please a nest adult, whatever you do will never be enough.

*needy

When my daughter has a baby I cannot imagine wanting to force her to let me have him on my own, I've had my time being the mum, eventually it will happen, don't understand the rush to do things that will happen naturally. No baby on the horizon yet, but I will want to support her, I remember what it was like when my MIL was wanting to take my babies. Absolutely not selfish.
@spidersonmyceiling its completely different.You will be the maternal gp,so you will automatically get more of a look in.While us paternal gp get the leftovers and after thoughts.

"I might have to flounce off soon, more and more tedious posts like this just grate me!!! I am so sorry op but I think you are being so, so, so unreasonable."

At 6 months old and 1 day I dropped my ds off at nursery’s and went to work full time. I wasn’t on a lot of money, I didn’t do it for that, but you really sound like you need a break"

What on earth does you leaving your baby to go back to work, have to do with the OP?

"You do know we have all raised kids ourselves? And you do learn a lot along the way if you are a reasonably decent mother. I was way more competent at looking after kids by the time mine were teenagers than I was when I had my first baby."

That's not exactly selling yourself as competent to look after a 6 month old baby alone!

And no it does not always happen naturally. Some mums do not leave their kids with their MILs alone until the kids are teenagers and ni longer want to play with their MIL.

Mums are free to do what they want obviously. They are the ones in control. But it does annoy me that some see the idea of wanting to spend time alone with their GC is almost seen as unnatural or strange by some on here.

@Tanith I think you misunderstand me. Every new mum is not as competent when they have their first baby as a mother as they are later on. You learn how to look after a child as a mother.

Dustarr73 I don’t agree with that statement at all. My MIL has a better relationship with my DC than my DM. She saw them more as babies and we went on holiday every year together. I am not saying the relationship is perfect as with most it isn’t however she was certainly not side lined and was in the delivery room after our DD was born. If a DIL and MIL have a good relationship before the baby arrives they shouldn’t be side lined. I can only assume it hasn’t been great if the DIL distances themselves following the birth. Although I do recognise that some DIL are arseholes too

Just say you’re not ready to be parted from her yet, but you’ve no doubt that day will come, and you’ll be sure to let her know when it does.

Her disappointment is not yours to appease.

Tell her no.

Don't know wtf is up with people expecting a mum to hand over their baby to others. It's perfectly normal and positive for a mother not want to have baby out of her sight.

I sympathise OP my ex MIL was a dick and very pushy and it's not a nice position to be put in and can in fact heighten your separation anxiety even more.

It's simple biology, don't fight it just so your pushy MIL can have her way.

@caranconnor I'd happily let MIL (and FIL) look after any of our children as babies and toddlers.

School-age and up, no fucking way.

They have some views we do not support and I don't want to engage in damage control every time we pick up a child from them. They also do not deal well with teenagers at all and I can already see the constant grandparent-fights, which I would want a child to go through by themselves.

Toddlers and babies though, according to PIL, are at worst a little demanding but mostly cute and can do no wrong. I also cannot see them talk about the things we're concerned about with a small child, so that is a non-issue (and I doubt a pre-schooler cares all that much about their views on history/politics/society).

Families are different, as are PIL and our own parents.

And for all of those saying "we've raised children, you know?!" - yeah we do know, and some of you have done a really crappy job. If you're lucky, your children will forgive you in that case and never mention it.

=which I would not want a child to go through by themselves.

I just want to thank everyone who has posted for all the advice. I have been reading intently and have found it all very interesting and useful.

I have to say I don't feel like I'm a particularly clingy mum. When we are around other people DD is happy to be handed around family and friends for cuddles. DH and I share all the childcare responsibilities, aside from breastfeeding.

If anything I'd say MIL can be the clingy one. She often hovers over anyone holding DD and whisks her out of their arms at the first opportunity. Poor FIL has only the shortest of cuddles before MIL yanks her away.

MIL has been desperate for me to ween DD since she was about 2 months. She would ask me everytime we saw her. I'd say that I was planning to start at around 6 months and then she would tell me about an article she'd read or some medical website she'd seen that said that it's better ween earlier. I have just been following the advice of my midwife and health visitor who all advice 6 months is a good time to start.