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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to spend alone time with DD

369 replies

newmum0519 · 20/11/2019 03:13

My DD is about to turn 6 months old. We live very near our in-laws and see them at least once a week. My MIL text me today saying she is disappointed that she hasn't spent any time alone with her granddaughter and could we set something up next week. AIBU to say no to this?

OP posts:
floatygoat · 22/11/2019 10:06

Weaning her as in, starting solid foods? At 2 months? She's fucking mental!!

Dustarr73 · 22/11/2019 10:09

If a DIL and MIL have a good relationship before the baby arrives they shouldn’t be side lined. I can only assume it hasn’t been great if the DIL distances themselves following the birth. Although I do recognise that some DIL are arseholes too

We did have a good relationship,she lived her for a time before and after the baby was born.

I dont interfere,im not overbearing.And im not only blaming my dil.But she comes up to see her family,which isnt to far from me and not even to knock on the door to say hi.

Only time we hear from her,is when she wants a lift home.

cupoftea84 · 22/11/2019 10:19

It's perfectly normal. Just tell her as a family you're not ready yet. You'll let her know when the time is right.

Regarding nursery if she says that again I'd be blunt and say your child you choice and change the conversation.

She's done herself no favours has she. She's just got your back up and now it'll be longer until you feel ready.

If she gets pushy you might have to say they her being pushy is not making you any more relaxed at the prospect and isn't going to help.

burritofan · 22/11/2019 10:21

MIL has been desperate for me to ween DD since she was about 2 months.
Aha! That's why she wants to get your baby alone; she wants to be the one stuffing solid food down her. Madness.

champagneandfromage50 · 22/11/2019 10:26

Dustarr73 that is crap and you don’t have a good DS if he is not ensuring you have a good relationship with your GC

Sayhellotothethings · 22/11/2019 10:49

That is the sort of thing that puts me off leaving DD with people. She has gone to my DMs for a couple of hours before but that's because DM does not challenge my decisions as her parent, and respects my wishes.

I remember a thread about a DIL who found out her MIL had been feeding her rusks when she had the baby, and the DIL hadn't started any weaning yet. Think it was 5 months.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 22/11/2019 11:15

OP you are normal. I was exactly the same.

I think it is a bottle feeding mentality that little babies should/can be away from mum. Generally speaking, bf babies need to be with mum. I'm willing to bet a million quid your MIL did not bf your DH.

I often read on mnet of these grandparents who are desperate to have baby away from parents, overnight at a young age etc. It's almost like they want to parent the baby themselves, and basically don't want mum around because they know if mum is there, baby will prefer to interact with mum.

My MIL and mum never expected this, almost the opposite, they would probably have refused to take either of mine over night until they were 1+. My kids have a lovely attachment to their grandparents now as toddlers and are secure, confident & sociable. Biologically we have evolved such that babies are meant to be close yo their mother most of the time until they are basically mobile.

BreatheAndFocus · 22/11/2019 11:27

OP, our update makes me even more convinced she’s trying to take over. She’s disrespecting your wishes and your child’s needs. She also sounds f**king ignorant! Weaning at 2 months??

It sounds like she’s desperate to lever your baby away from you, sees you breastfeeding as an obstacle to this, and won’t stop pressuring you. I bet she’ll try every trick in the book - anger, upset, “I’m just trying to help you out”, blah blah.

Ignore it all! Personally, she wouldn’t be having DC unsupervised until DC was old enough to report back on MIL’s tricks.

I wouldn’t trust her one bit. Please don’t like her pressure you. She is in the wrong and should back the hell off.

BreatheAndFocus · 22/11/2019 11:28

Sorry - like should be let (last paragraph)

CloudPop · 22/11/2019 11:52

Surely grandparents can bond with their grandchildren in the presence of the baby's parents ?

caranconnor · 22/11/2019 11:57

Yes but it is hard when you are being anxiously watched by a parent closely over every tiny interaction.

CloudPop · 22/11/2019 12:04

I find it all very strange. I just can't imagine the scenario where my mother had a go at me for not leaving my child with her on their own. Bizarre.

floatygoat · 22/11/2019 12:18

@caranconnor that's just tough tits though isn't it?? Why should a mum hand over her baby just so that the MIL feels less 'watched'. You are a grandparent but that doesn't mean you are entitled to interfere and steal the baby away to satisfy your own longing to re enact your mothering years.

caranconnor · 22/11/2019 12:25

Of course it is up to the mother. But why do you think a MIL wants to steal the baby or is trying to re-enact mothering years? You are making massive assumptions. Being a GP is a different role to being a mother, very different. And it can be a lovely one.
I am simply explaining why it isn't strange to think that being with a young GC alone is somehow nicer than with an anxious mother watching you.

caranconnor · 22/11/2019 12:26

Also from what I have seen, those mothers who are most determined to keep the MIL away when the bay is young, are also those who complain most about not enough MIL involvement when they have turned into sulky teenagers.

BertrandRussell · 22/11/2019 14:16

“ You are a grandparent but that doesn't mean you are entitled to interfere and steal the baby away to satisfy your own longing to re enact your mothering years“
I think we might be drifting towards batshit territory here.......

coconutpie · 22/11/2019 14:18

@newmum0519 Do you mean she wanted you to wean onto solids at 2 months?!!!

BertrandRussell · 22/11/2019 14:21

“ Do you mean she wanted you to wean onto solids at 2 months?!!!”

If she did,she would be wildly wrong- but there are plenty of mumsnetters who argue passionately for early weaning........

winniestone37 · 22/11/2019 15:26

Yes she framed the question really badly, your life and child your terms. Don’t be pulled into a debate as to why she thinks it should happen.

BertrandRussell · 22/11/2019 15:33

I wonder what would happen if sometimes people gave mils the benefit of the doubt. Assume, as you would with a friend, that a badly worded text or email is just that- badly worded not ill intentioned. Because In life it really is usually cock up, not conspiracy. Speak softly but carry a big stick.

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2019 15:47

With regards to the 2 month weaning, she probably doesn't realise advice has changed since her DC were born.

My eldest DS is 27 and HVs used to recommend weaning onto baby rice at 8 weeks, for particularly hungry babies.

Cheeseandwin5 · 22/11/2019 16:05

YABU not leaving your DD with your MIL, but everyone will suffer because of it.
You are BU to want your DH not to stray to far from you when he is with DD. The child is both of yours and you don't get to control the situation anymore than he does. Not only is it a sign that you don't trust him but also of crazy controlling issues.

Dustarr73 · 22/11/2019 16:06

@WorraLiberty Not all gps are in their 70s.Im 46,so well aware of guidelines.

Original poster
newmum0519 · 22/11/2019 16:12

@coconutpie yeah, I think so. I told her I was going to follow the midwives advice. She has a few odd opinions about DD. She wasn't happy that I was taking her for swimming lessons, something about the chlorine.

I have an update...
I went to lunch with MIL today. I text her back but I didn't address the alone time thing directly. I had drafted a few text about it but couldn't figure out the best way to word it, so I decided I would talk to her about it in person.

She didn't end up bring it up and we had a nice(ish) lunch. I'm sure it will come up again in the future but thanks to all your advice I feel confident I can explain to her how I feel about it.

I say niceish because there was one weird bit. She was holding DD and whispering to her 'Your my granddaughter, yes you are. Your mine' Hmm

I really don't get why she has to be so intense. If she just chilled out a bit, I think I'd be more inclined to leave DD with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
newmum0519 · 22/11/2019 16:41

@Cheeseandwin5 totally trust my DH with DD. If he wanted to take her out without me he could. Obs we would have to plan it around me feeding her but that wouldn't be too hard.

We had a conversation about this a little while ago. A friend of mine has a DD who is about a month older than my DD and her husband takes their DD swimming on sat morning. I mentioned it DH and said if he wanted to do something like that I could switch our DDs swimming lessons to the weekend (we currently go on a Wednesday.) DH said he prefer to do something with us all together. I think he thought at first, that I might have been angling for some time off and said he is happy for me to arrange a night out with friends if I wanted to - again I said right now I'd rather be with him and DD (and our dog) but I might do that in a few months.

When she is a little older I'm sure they will have loads of daddy/daughter time. He's already planning to take her to watch cricket etc...

My nephew and niece are about 5 now and they love spending time with both sets of GPs. They even have sleepovers at my parents just because they want to (not because my sister needs a babysitter.)

I absolutely love this and had always thought that we would be the same with DD and my PIL when DD is a bit older.

OP posts:
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