Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to spend alone time with DD

369 replies

newmum0519 · 20/11/2019 03:13

My DD is about to turn 6 months old. We live very near our in-laws and see them at least once a week. My MIL text me today saying she is disappointed that she hasn't spent any time alone with her granddaughter and could we set something up next week. AIBU to say no to this?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/11/2019 16:43

@WorraLiberty Not all gps are in their 70s.Im 46,so well aware of guidelines.

I'm not sure what you mean by that?

I'm 50 and if I hadn't joined MN, I wouldn't have clue the advice had changed.

DDIJ · 22/11/2019 16:46

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

SnuggyBuggy · 22/11/2019 16:48

I don't get how these grandparents love their grandkids so much they absolutely have to have alone time with them yet don't love them enough to be fucked to spend a few minutes reading modern guidelines.

BertrandRussell · 22/11/2019 16:56

OP- but she is her granddaughter! What’s wrong with her saying that?

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2019 16:58

She was holding DD and whispering to her Your my granddaughter, yes you are. Your mine Hmm

Are you just actively looking for things to be offended about? Confused

tinyvulture · 22/11/2019 17:06

I do empathise with your MIL to some degree (about wanting the alone time I mean - not the manipulative phrasing of the request, of course!) I have been DYING to get my hands on my beautiful SGC for some babysitting practically since she was born (she’s over one now - it’s never happened). I totally understand the reasons - my lovely SDIL suffers with anxiety and doesn’t feel ready to leave baby for long yet, and as my partner and I live quite a way away from them compared to the other three GP, they get to see more of SGC so she knows them better, so it’s totally natural that, for the short periods SDIL is ready to leave her, it ends up being with the other GPS, or with uncles and aunts who live closer. So yeah, I think it is fine to want the alone time, fine to ask for it, but ultimately it’s totally up to the parents to decide what they are ready for, and with whom. I know it makes my partner sad that his bond with the baby isn’t as close as the other GP’s - that’s another reason I would love us to babysit - but we just have to be patient and wait. And we ARE all going away together for Xmas, which will provide lots of opportunities for cuddles and bonding.......

Original poster
newmum0519 · 22/11/2019 17:07

@BertrandRussell I just found it a bit weird tbh. Yes she is her GC. It was the 'your mine' bit that was a bit ott.

@WorraLiberty It didn't offend me. Again just thought it was a bit intense. I could be wrong, it might be a perfectly normal thing to say. It just felt a bit off.

OP posts:
Quirkydays · 22/11/2019 17:11

Are people deliberately being obtuse or perhaps projecting?

Anyone messaging saying they’re ‘disappointed’ at not spending 1:1 time with a 6mo baby is being emotionally manipulative and entitled. Then you have the fact the MIL’s own son finds her controlling and manipulative at times. And then you have whispering ‘you’re my granddaughter’, which by anyone’s standards would seem quite anxious behaviour. If my mum was sat opposite the table doing that with my child, I’d probably jokingly ask if she was feeling alright that day.

But are we really all going to keep pretending to see these isolated incidents as little misunderstandings or innocent turns of speech?! The big picture strongly suggests this MIL has issues!

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2019 17:16

@WorraLiberty It didn't offend me. Again just thought it was a bit intense. I could be wrong, it might be a perfectly normal thing to say. It just felt a bit off.

It sounds like inane babble from a grandmother holding her grandchild.

If she had known every word was being taken in and judged by you, before being posted on a public internet forum, I'm sure she would've chosen her words more carefully Confused

CurbsideProphet · 22/11/2019 17:19

I always find it interesting when I read on mumsnet about grandparents wanting to have grandchildren all to themselves, so that they can bond. I had a lovely bond with my grandparents and we only stayed over occasionally when we were around 10. My extended family spent time together regularly. Seems like that isn't the usual way now.

newbingepisodes · 22/11/2019 17:22

I didn't used to leave mine at 6 months old but I did leave baby with my husband have nights out etc. So does your DH never have any time alone with his DD, that's slightly odd.

Original poster
newmum0519 · 22/11/2019 17:23

@tinyvulture I think you are in a similar position to my parents who live further away and so see DD a lot less often. I think DD will end up being a bit closer to my PIL as a result. Although I will try to make sure my parents get to see her as much as possible.

I have told my parents they are welcome to come and stay anytime but they won't come unless we set a specific date as they don't want to impose.

OP posts:
Poppinjay · 22/11/2019 17:37

Interesting that so many people are labelling mothers as anxious to try to justify wanting to remove their babies from them for a few hours.

Mothers who don't want to be separated from their six month old babies are behaving exactly as nature intended.

People who refuse to give crying babies to their mothers seem to use it too, making out that the mother is ridiculous for wanting to comfort her distressed child. Using anxiety to put parents down like that is patronising and unpleasant.

A desire to care for your own small baby is not a fault and we should be supporting mothers to do this bid they wish, not making ridiculous suggestions about anxiety and mental health problems.

If a mother really is anxious, that's a completely different issue.

champagneandfromage50 · 22/11/2019 18:04

newmum0519 I would be a little creeped out if my MIL was whispering in my babies ear ‘your mine’. I find it amusing all the MiL defenders saying it’s normal talk. it’s like something you would see in a scene of a creepy movie. Never had anyone say such a thing too or about my DC but then again my in-laws and parents aren’t demanding weirdos .... the only thing remotely close was my FIL advising my DH that our youngest DS was a ‘proper’ ....... (there surname) making reference that my older DS who had health issues isn’t and clearly from my side of the family. But then again FIL is an arsehole

Original poster
newmum0519 · 22/11/2019 18:08

@newbingepisodes yeah, he let's me have lie ins on a weekend and so will have her for a few hours in the morning. He wakes me up when she's hungry. He looks after her while I have a bath etc... I know it's not a night out (and he would be happy to have her if I wanted a night out) but I think at the moment I would spend most of the time wishing I was back home and feeling silly for pushing myself. DH is very hands on and they have a great bond. She beams when she hears his voice when he comes home from work.

It's not so much I couldn't be apart from her, it's just that I would prefer not to and it feels odd to arrange to be away from her specifically so MIL can have one on one time with her.

I dont think it's anything nefarious on my MILs part - I think she just had this expectation and is used to getting her way.

OP posts:
Original poster
newmum0519 · 22/11/2019 18:41

@WorraLiberty you might be right. I can't say that I'm not a little bit sensitive after receiving her text message.

I like to think that I do as much as I can to put her at ease. I make sure I don't lurk around her whilst she holds DD (even though she often hovers around me when I'm breastfeeding waiting for DD to finish), I make sure DD has plenty of Nana cuddles when we are together. I don't take DD off of her, I wait for her to hand her back to me.

OP posts:
Dustarr73 · 22/11/2019 21:07

I'm 50 and if I hadn't joined MN, I wouldn't have clue the advice had changed.

My youngest is 8 @WorraLiberty thats why i know about the guidelines.

BertrandRussell · 22/11/2019 21:12

I’m well over 50 and my children were both weaned at 6 months- as the guidance was at the time. It’s been 6 months for a very long time.

jwpetal · 22/11/2019 21:30

I did not spend time without my son, but then I had no family near by. I breastfed and enjoyed the time together. Express took more time then just feeding. Just be direct that you are not ready to be separated from your dd. Be sure in yourself that you are doing what is right for you and your family. your Mil will have a lot of time to build a relationship. Our family on both sides live in different countries. We speak to them and talk about them and visit and our kids have wonderful relationships even though they never physically met until they were two. Find your path and stick with it and when you are ready, bring her in. Just don't leave your MIL out while allowing your family in . Good luck

Talkingmouse · 22/11/2019 21:36

Saying to your dd ‘you are mine’ etc is NOT healthy or normal. She is very self obsessed.

BertrandRussell · 22/11/2019 21:43

My mum used to come into my house and call “Where’s my girl?” My dd used to fly down the stairs shouting “Here I am!” and fling herself into her granny’s arms. Should I have stopped that as “creepy” or “wierd”?

champagneandfromage50 · 22/11/2019 21:46

Where’s my girl is very different to whispering in the ear of a baby and saying ‘your mine’. I am surprised you don’t see the difference?

Quiterightly · 22/11/2019 21:55

Op, your updates just make everything worse. Mils behaviour is weird.
Continue standing your ground, you don’t have to leave your baby until you’re ready, and you never have to leave her with Mil if you don’t want to.
The weaning thing is bizarre. Standard guidelines don’t actually encourage it at 6 months either. It shouldn’t be a discussion with Mil, none of her business. It’ll happen when it happens.

JenniferM1989 · 22/11/2019 22:25

I think it is a bit of a trust thing isn't it OP? I mean the woman wanted you to wean your 2 month old baby onto solid food for christ sake! Are you a bit worried about what she'll decide to do against your wishes? I would be after her attitude about weaning.

I totally get what you mean about making the most of family time. Especially at this time of year, it's so nice to be together and spend time with your child. I never really had the need or want to go out just the two of us or by myself while my DS was a baby. I pushed myself and went out for a meal and to play a game of bowling with DH when DS was about 7 months old and mil looked after him but other than that, I was happy to socialise with DS there (meals out etc) and we got out going to groups, visiting people and going for walks.

My DS is three now and only spent 3 nights in total away from us and they were all for close family and friends weddings. I haven't felt a need for him to be away for any other reason. He goes to playgroup, will start nursery in a couple of months time and I work part time. That maternity leave 'bubble' is lovely, make the most of it. Your mil can have her when you're ready

Shesalittlemadam · 22/11/2019 23:27

@DuchessMustard The first time my MIL tried to forcibly separate me from my daughter so she could have 'alone time' with her, DD was four DAYS old. She's nearly ten now and our relationship has only got worse since then.

Omg. What happened? Pls tell me she did t succeed in separating you?