MIL wants to spend alone time with DD

[newmum0519]

My DD is about to turn 6 months old. We live very near our in-laws and see them at least once a week. My MIL text me today saying she is disappointed that she hasn't spent any time alone with her granddaughter and could we set something up next week. AIBU to say no to this?

I took my son with me to the hairdressers is my answer to that one. Boob when necessary. Walk back home with the sling later.

But i did leave him with my mum or husband while I went to tutoring every week for an hour from 5 months.
I needed that time, he took a bottle, and pressure of exams for the student meant I was needed.

I've never left him with MIL but she is progressively more disabled so would not be able to do nappies etc as required.
She dotes on him (and other DGC) and they 'chat' each week via Skype with daddy so he is familiar with her.

DS is now 2.4 and I didn't leave him overnight til after I night weaned at 21 mo. And it still pretty much left me in a pit of anxiety. He's never stayed anywhere without me or DH or both of us.

And we rarely go out of an evening as DS is a beggar at bedtime and tends to not go to bed til we're back!

It is totally up to you.
But it is totally different spending time with a child alone and spending time with a child with their parent there.

I think it’s good for children to form bonds with other people, it’s normal
and healthy for them to have a variety of different close relationships.

Some parents on here have never spent a single night away from their DCs for their entire childhood (I’m referring to people who have family that are willing to help) and it’s seems a bit unhealthy to me.

But it is totally different spending time with a child alone and spending time with a child with their parent there.

I'll give you that. It's harder and more stressful for all concerned.

The first time my MIL tried to forcibly separate me from my daughter so she could have 'alone time' with her, DD was four DAYS old. She's nearly ten now and our relationship has only got worse since then.

@Poppinjay I find it much more fun

I find it much more fun

How nice for you. It's unlikely that a six month old baby or their mother would feel the same.

As a long-time childminder, I find it much nicer spending time with happy, relaxed babies who have their primary carers close by.

I didn't leave my DS until I went back to work when he was 13 months. I was not clingy at all!

OP, just tell her straight. I had to with my MIL and she never mentioned it again. She is wonderful, she was just so keen.

It sounds as tho there is a lot more going on tho than mil just wanting to spend time with her grandchild. The 'disapointed' on the message speaks volumes.

When grandchildren come along matriarchs need to reassert their power. You need to be firm and you need to set the boundaries now otherwise she will be playing games left right and centre. There's nothing she can't do whilst you are around that she should be doing when you're not around. So my bet is that she wants to basically do all the things that she did as a parent that she knows that you would disapprove of or is not now common practice.

Sorry if I sound synical but this place is full of posts about parents/in laws over stepping the boundaries.

The minute i read that the MIL was 'disappointed' I checked out! Smells of entitlement and I had a life long endurance trial with a very manipulative and perpetually 'disappointed' MIL who loved to tell my DH just how much she was 'missing out'

Stand yout ground now- if you are not comfortable with leaving your baby and you clearly are not or you wouldn't be here asking - just don't....make your baby - your terms - until she is in a position to choose. Offer MIL free time with her when you are around but until the dynamic changes for the better and you don't need to ask advice about leaving your baby with her - you will know its not OK yet

I loved being with nephew on my own when he was a baby especially at 6-12 months as I could interact better. Make funny faces, sing songs engage in a way I am not so comfortable around other adults. My sister would be in the shower or having a nap, not usually out of the house. If this is what MIL is looking for maybe you could allow her some 'alone' but not really alone time.

There may come a time when you will need someone to look after DD for a few hours and if there has been no experience of this the situation could be upsetting. Most parents would relish the opportunity to have a break eg go to hairdresser, shopping, even dentist without having a baby in tow. As long as you feel MiL is safe, why not?

I think you should bear up and let Grandma take her for an hour or so. You may not be ready, but your baby is probably more ready now than she will be in a couple of months when separation anxiety kicks in. As others have said, it will be much better for both of you if there is someone she will go to happily besides you and your DP.

I am concerned, though, about you not being comfortable leaving her for more than 15 minutes, even with her father. Unless you have reason to believe he is an unsafe parent this seems an unusual degree of anxiety, especially as you describe him as involved and keen. I think it's worth a discussion with your health visitor about how you are feeling and why your invisible umbilical cord (we all have one - mine is stretched to its limit just now with my oldest at uni!) is so short.

Unless you don't think your MIL is going to be a loving and safe caregiver, I think you should be brave and let her take the baby out for an hour or so between feeds, or leave them both at yours while you go out for coffee with a friend or get your hair cut or something. A warm and close relationship with her grandparent is a wonderful gift to give your child and I would invest in ensuring that their relationship starts at the right time for both of them, which is probably now for your MIL and for your baby as well.

GPs and dads often don't feel they can bond with the baby when mum is there - they need to feel like they are the one giving care and are not being watched and judged on their baby skills. You have to let dad put the nappy on backwards and let Granny sing Cliff Richard to her. Your baby will be even happier with more love and care from more people. And you may find that you get used to these sessions and start to enjoy an hour or two alone, or with a friend, once or twice a week.

You are most definitely not being unreasonable!!! Breastfeeding plays a massive role. I exclusively breastfed and felt exactly the same as you and I have to say that as soon as we started weaning I suddenly felt much more able to let go. A few months on now & I jump at the chance of a break! It has to be in your own time when you feel ready. Don’t be pressured or let people make you feel you’re wrong.

I think it's a bit 'full on' that you have only left DD for 15 minutes at a time in the last 6 months, perhaps your MIL is also finding this a bit unusual.

I can’t believe people on here saying you might not be ready but hand her over for a few hours. No mention of the MIL text of disappointment, the OP isn’t ready and doesn’t want to hand her over. Fair enough . It doesn’t make her a bad parent or overly anxious she just isn’t ready. Oh and I will say again what is this ‘alone’ time nonsense?

If you don't want to be apart from your child then you don't have to.

My mil made a similar request and I made it clear it wouldn't happen until I'm ready.

My own mum never asked me for alone time. I don't get these alone time requests

This is your first baby and your baby is only 6 months! If you don't feel ready don't let anyone pressure or make you feel bad. Some mum's are happy to some aren't. The baby won't suffer at all by you not letting gp have alone time. Mil might not of meant it but she has kind of made it negative by stating disappointment but don't take that to heart just say you love to let her spend some time bonding with DD but at the moment you aren't ready for leaving her. I had a lot of pressure with my sil and she pressure d me but it kind of put me off letting her babysit (although I have on the odd occasion) but only on my and dh terms. My mil has never pressured me and I've been happy when the time is right to let them go when they ask or I need a sitter. They are the first I ask actually.

I might have to flounce off soon, more and more tedious posts like this just grate me!!! I am so sorry op but I think you are being so, so, so unreasonable.

At 6 months old and 1 day I dropped my ds off at nursery’s and went to work full time. I wasn’t on a lot of money, I didn’t do it for that, but you really sound like you need a break

@Soontobe60 too attached to her baby?!! The baby is 6 months! And lucky to have a mum who completely adores her and is making the most of this precious time!
OP enjoy raising your baby however you feel is best and works for you and your family. Leave her when you feel ready or need to but don’t get pushed into it before, you sound like a lovely mum

Don’t listen to any of the nonsense from people telling you that you’re setting baby up to be hysterical or that you gave separation anxiety etc.

YOU ARE HER MOTHER! You are meant to be with her. It’s perfectly normal to want to be with your baby and it won’t harm either if you. Silly people are obviously projecting their own failing as parents!

I also don’t understand these grandmothers wanting ‘alone time ‘ with babies and I am a grandmother.
I’ve managed to secure a close bond with my grandchildren without having to see them separately from their parents. Bonkers

You are normal and your MIL is being pushy as she is overexcited and can't control the situation to her liking.

Take it at your own pace, answer her text in a way you feel comfortable with and if she pushes her luck let your DH deal with her.

Best of luck.

@PTW1234 off you go then.....OP is not being unreasonable at all. If there was a voting button on here it would be a resounding YANBU. OP sounds like she's doing absolutely fine other than an entitled MIL.

Please do what YOU want to do, and enjoy your lovely baby 😊. I had very little time apart from my DCs when they were babies and I don’t regret that in the slightest. They have lovely relationships with their grandparents - and didn’t get homesick on Cub Camp.