To think it can cost a fortune to keep up appearances?

[ethelfleda]

Talking to my friend this evening...
Her and her partner are wonderful, very down to earth and not at all materialistic.
However, his family are (in his own words) trying so hard to show everyone they have a bit of money that they’ve nearly spent all their money doing so!
Seems like a bit of a paradox to me. AIBU to think that in some instances, those that go for outward displays of wealth actually aren’t that wealthy?

I know quite a few people who view cars as status symbols, for example. The nicer that car, the wealthier they must be. But surely, if you have a fairly regular income and decent enough credit score, a new car is within your grasp - you just need to finance it? Your name brand clothes can be put on credit cards and you can mortgage up to your eyeballs to get a 4 bed detached house (in the area we live, it’s possible to get a very nice 3 bed semi with a large garden for £200k so am not talking about people living further south here that have little choice but to get the highest mortgage they can)

What do you think?

I am the opposite - and DH and I often joke that even if we won the lottery we would still be scruffy buggers who look like they have't got two pennies to rub together. We aren't 'rich' but certainly aren't poor, but all our money goes on experiences and holidays, neither of us are materialistic. I don't get normal people who spend all their money trying to look wealthy. No mugger would give me a second look...

I was given a lift home by a multimillionaire friend of a friend at the weekend, in their battered heap of crap car, they aren’t mean (they are v generous) but they don’t advertise their wealth.

Oh absolutely OP. And it's ironic because it's never been easier to get hold of items that have traditionally been considered prestige than it is now. Things like designer clothing being easily available on Ebay, leaseholds for cars etc. Status symbols are not necessarily a marker of such.

Dh and I look like overgrown students most of the time - we were completely ignored in Porcelanosa and Land Rover. We have enough money to buy things from both of these places (without using credit), but obviously we didn’t! I like that no one can tell.

The stealth boasting on this thread is hilarious 🙄

People must think we’re broke!! 🤣 my car is 12 years old, we live in a small two bed house and I don’t have much designer gear at all. But in reality, we have two properties with no mortgage. No car payment and no other debts, Ample savings and investments. The dc have a full university fund (even though they are under 10). I really couldn’t give a shite about appearances. I know we are financially secure so I don’t need to prove it.And I equally don’t judge because “appearances” mean nothing!!

if you have an expensive car it doesn't count against you while claiming benefits in the way that cash or savings in the bank do.

True, but you have to already own the car. Whether or not you make car payments to finance a car won't affect how much you receive in benefits.

Was just coming on to make that point Wildorchidz 🙄, along with the virtue-signalling. Why saving money is a moral issue is beyond me. Some folks are savers, some are spenders, meh. There's no pockets in a shroud.

I agree but I also think there are plenty of people choosing not to do that myself included. It means you have money to do the things you want. We live in a cheap area and out mortgage is around 500 a month. We have one second hand car and don't bother with designer stuff. We actually live near a colleague of my partners and a neighbour is a solicitor (all good incomes) so they're probably doing the same. The solicitor has children and I'm guessing can afford to work part time as they will probably have a similar mortgage to us. Then again I know plenty of people who do what you describe. I suppose it depends what your values are.

II have seen this type of attitude to spending in a veriety of different situations. We had a cleaner in a shop I managed who 'had' to buy her son the most expensive bike he wanted or anything else so that he would keep up with all the boys on their sink estate! Another person who worked for me had a similar attitude to getting her DD anything she wanted getting herself in so much debt the electricity was cut off but she still persisted. I've known people who are brought up with money and go to charity shops for some of their clothes and always put their children in hand me downs where possible. But their children are at the top private schools!

Our car is ancient, our house is little but our life is rich. By that i mean we dont live to excess but we are content and happy. We retired very early, moved to a much cheaper area, bought the worst house in the nicest village, but only spend when we need to.

Totally agree. Any of my friends with the flashy cars, hectic social lives, expensive holidays and designer gear are all up to their eyeballs in debt. I wouldn't mind but a lot of that designer gear is only fashionable for a year or so.

I will either wait and save for something or for things like a car, I'd save at least half and borrow the other half. And it would be a second hand, basic car at that.

A couple I know each borrowed 20K for their wedding & honeymoon about 7 years ago and are going back every year for top ups for more holidays and for things like Christmas shopping - gives me anxiety!

You’ll often find the flashy cars like big range rovers have private plates because they’re not new cars at all and they don’t want people to know it’s a high mileage 10 year old car

It’s like the second hand school uniform threads. Many private schools have second hand uniform shops which thrive. Parents don’t worry about any stigma around buying second hand probably because they are secure in their status - given they have the wealth signifier of being able to afford private school anyway.

DH and I are wealthier than we look but that is a conscious choice. I am not prepared to work flat out until my late 60’s mainly to buy stuff that makes me feel better about having to work flat out until my late 60’s.

Why saving money is a moral issue is beyond me. Some folks are savers, some are spenders, meh

That's not really the issue. It's about people getting into debt and living a lifestyle they can't really afford so that people around them think they're wealthier than they are. I actually find it pathetic but I was brought up in a financially comfortable, non flashy family, so I find it bizarre.

Don't go broke trying to look rich.

I'm worried about my teenager going down these lines. All he is interested in is labels. His Christmas list is eye watering

Reminds me of my dhs relative...single mum, on benefits, living in temporary accommodation, pregnant...I offered her my dcs baby clothes...all lovely stuff, clean, good condition from John Lewis, m and s, next etc. I didn't offer it because I think she's poor but because I would have offered it to anyone I knew who was pregnant. She turned her nose up at it and her baby was dressed from day one in designer clothes...Armani jeans and Gucci shoes on a baby. Fucking madness.

TBH I really don’t get this “keeping up appearances” malarkey. I really don’t care if someone was to judge me because I don’t wear the latest fashions or drive a car that isn’t flashy.

That said I don’t have the sort of friends who would do that anyway. One of my friends calls the sort of people who get into debt to keep up appearances ten bob millionaires (for the benefit of the younger members of MN ten bob is 50p )

One of the joys of actually being "down to earth and not at all materialistic" is that I don't really pay any attention to or care what other people choose to spend their money on or how they attempt to "display wealth".

Neither do I DangerClose

Not everyone that likes nice cats and houses and clothes is skint though so your theory is flawed OP. The problem is a lot of people are faking there wealth but truly wealthy people do usually Aldi's play it because what's the point of their money otherwise? It's there to be spent.

Also it's not impossible to get a balance. I myself have a nice car, house designer handbags but also have a good pension and a six figure saved. Far from the really wealthy people in society but I'm far from broke but what does that make me? Am I a faker too?

I guess what I'm saying is you are being judgemental and using black and white thinking which is a recipe for disaster IMO, also why not just get on with you own life instead of watching others

It's sad, but so true - the people more likely to complain about the "cost" of school uniforms are also the ones who dress their kids in labels and couldn't be seen outside without at least a Ralph Lauren and Nike item.

It is most definitely a class thing. People who are comfortable, or secure in their skin in other ways don't feel they have anything to prove to anyone else. So they don't care what their car says about them because they know their friends don't care either and it's all good.

Other people are very conscious of not appearing to be less well off (Looking at you, SIL). SIL won't go into the charity shop to drop things off in case someone sees her and thinks she might be buying. Turns her nose up at second hand. Wouldn't be seen DEAD in Aldi/Lidl. Changes her car every couple of years so that people can see she's got a recent numberplate. It's all about appearances - totally mystifies me but in her circle it's obviously important.

All the very rich people I have come across (by working for them) live in scruffy houses covered in dog hair and wear clothes they paid a lot for maybe 40 years ago that they're still wearing now and drive old bangers! But they would have proper art on their grubby walls and amazing lovely food in the pantry. Plenty of times I was told to help myself to food when I looked was like 'what is this stuff??!' The truly rich know they're rich so feel no need to show it.

Dds friend’s parents are separated. His dad got him a new phone. His mum bought him a new case for it yet every week he has to borrow a spare school jumper for Outdoor PE because his mum doesn’t have the money. Bizarre.

Class to some extent but also age. I'm from a working class background and I know loads of working class people who don't give a fuck.. but they tend to be a bit older.

I live out in the countryside. Anyone with money has it tied up in land, everyone drives filthy old Land Rovers and has trousers held up with string, farm labourer to landowner.

EVERYONE looks sideways at brand new cars. Round here it's usually the scruffiest people who are the racehorse owners.