Step mother at my wedding

[Bareres]

So I'm not terribly fond of my dad's wife (SM), she is very judgemental and everything has to be about her. However she makes my dad happy and we dont see her very much (they live far away) so all fine and I make an effort to be friendly when we do see her.

DP and I are getting married. In all honesty I dont want her there. She will be sniffy about the food and (apart from my siblings who also are not too fond of her) she wont know anyone there. Also there is the issue of my DM (who is lovely and always puts everyone else's feelings ahead of her own). They have never met and I know DM will not relish the thought of being in a room with the woman who my dad had an affair with and left her for. She would never ever say that though.

So really I have to invite her or my dad would be really sad as he has no idea we dont like her. What do I do with her though? It's a big wedding and we will have a top table. I was thinking of just having our parents and bridal party on the top table and seating her at another table with people like our siblings on it so shes not just shoved at the back somewhere. Shes been dropping hints about seating but I have just brushed her off as I dont feel that I want to give her the opportunity to whinge in my dad's ear about where she is sitting. If she just turns up on the day and sees the seating plan she will have no opportunity to moan about it.

So basically AIBU to do this? Or am I being mean to her?

Alexa, were you the OW though? Because there's a big difference between a step parent you like and respect, who maybe helped raise you and some selfish bitch who knowingly helped to break up your family!
Not letting the dad off the hook here - cheating is scummy behaviour, but it's difficult to stop loving your own father.

Either Alexa was the OW in which case it’s a bit rich calling others ‘selfish and spiteful’; or she wasn’t and her self-righteous post has nothing to do with the situation in the OP. (Nor seems to have any awareness of the distress adultery causes).

Very harsh post from Alexa. I assume however 5at she didn’t have an affair with he brides dad while he was still married to the brides mum.

I also assume the bride likes her and had spoken fondly of her to her mum.

I wonder would Alexa be so forgiving if her husband had an affair😊

Perhaps she really is just better than most of us,

She doesn't need to be at the top table she's not your mum.
Sit her with your siblings if they are willing to have her with them
Remember it's your wedding not hers.

AlexaAmbidextra hmm. I’m guessing you weren’t the OW? Although by your tone maybe I’m wrong.

Alexa, the OP's mother doesn't have a partner. So there's no balance there. She won't have the company of her own partner, so your situation wasn't comparable.

I am a stepmother and was not sat at the top table while hubby was - I get on fine with my step kids and was not an OW. It was not at all an issue for me.

I do think this is one of those occasions when you can hide behind tradition.

Go with a table with you and DH in the middle. Dad next to you, mum next to groom. Your MIL next to your Dad, your FIL next to your mum. Bridesmaid next to your FIL, best man next to MIL.

Then have a table with at least one of your siblings and the partner of the bridesmaid or best man sat with your Step-mother.

In this set up, it's perfectly normal for couples to be sat separately.

Tell her early on that you are going for a traditional top table, but you'll make sure she is on the table with your siblings.

YANBU. If I had been the former OW...I'd be ashamed to show my face at the wedding, but those who do this don't feel the shame.

Its perfectly reasonable to have your parents only on the top table.

Dont inflict her on your siblings either. I wouldn't be happy if I was them and it would ruin my day.

I honestly don’t think I would invite her.

I realise you have said that you will, so with that in mind, she would absolutely not be sitting at the top table. I would try and find a table of similar people - similar age, personality etc. My sisters would kill me if I lumbered them with her.

I really feel for your poor DM in all of this, she’s so used to taking a back seat and putting everyone first, please just let her have this. She deserves a seat at the top table at her daughters wedding. I would also be p’d off with my Dad if he didn’t sit at the top table and chose his new wife over that. I’ve sat alone at many events, when DH has been a best man for example, because I’m a big girl.

Alexa

So what, you are perfect.
Unfortunately, not everyone is able to put differences aside, especially when there was an affair.
Who wants a skanky affair ow at their wedding?
Will you, when your partner moves on again.
Do you even have any kids.

That's exactly what I'm going to do forgiveme. Except the only people of her are are my mums siblings! And they wont want to be sat with her. And we certainly won't be inviting anyone with a similar personality

I get what people are saying about not doing this to my mum but I have spoken to her and she is fine. She will be surrounded by her family and there will be a lot happening. At the end of the day this is one day and it's really not worth the years of bad feeling that would lead on if I dont invite her.

You wouldn't sit a Best Man's partner or Maid of Honour's partner at the top table so why your dad's partner? She's not your mum. If they can't handle this then frankly they need to grow up. I can understand if you were close to SM but you're not.

I am a stepmother. I would never expect to be on the top table at my stepson’s wedding.

OP, don’t put her on the top table, you might be lucky and that might make her refuse to come!

I'm an SM but was only on the scene ages after my DH and exW broke up so not the other woman like in OP's case. I'm pretty sure I'll be as excluded as possible fro my SDs wedding when it happens as my SKs mum hates me but I know DH would be v upset if he had to sit at top table without me and that will bother me more than my own feelings. However in your situation, OP she was the OW so really I think you don't owe either of them anything. I'd have frank conversation with your dad and explain exactly why the situation is difficult. He should suggest a solution cos really he created this massive awkwardness in your family, he should help you sort it in a way you're happy with.

This type of stuff is the very reason dh and I just went to a registry office.

Stepmums (and my Dads too) behaviour at my brothers wedding was so childish and embarrassing. Every little details that involved our mother was scrutinised by stepmum from demanding that be sat closer to the bride and groom than my Mum, to counting how many minutes I spent talking with my Mum versus how many minutes I spent talking to her. it wasn't even my wedding and I didn't sleep because of anxiety for weeks.

Every single family event like our kids christenings has been one big source of anxiety trying to manage stepmum and dads shitty attitude towards my mum.

I wouldn't invite her as she was the OW. If I was inviting her she definitely wouldn't sit on the tt. Ultimately there's are consequences when you have an affair and your Dad should understand that.

@Hairydogmummy why would he be upset. It's very unusual that he would be sat beside his ex wife but more likely his childs mother in law or wedding party.

It's one meal. I dont think it is up to a bride and groom to accommodate their adult parents on their wedding day.

If my dh told me he felt upset and didn't want to sit at a top table with his ex at his sons request and there is no love lost between them at his sons wedding I would tell grow up and stop being so self centred.

As I would my ex if he insisted he wanted his partner at the top table if that isnt what my dd wanted.

The more I think about this the more I'm recoiling in horror at the thought of your dm having to sit in the front pew of the church, or front seats of the registry office, with your sm who will no doubt be dressed in a mother of the bride outfit done up like a dog's dinner and be clinging to your df's arm like a limpet while inserting herself into photos that should be close family only.

Given your sm's personality, the temptation to make your special day all about her will prove irresistable and your poor dm will be mortified by her triumphant ''ownership' of your df.

I would suggest that you don't invite her or, if you feel you must, invite her for the evening only so that your dm has a chance to surround herself with your siblings and/or other close family members so that she is at least protected from some of the spectacle your sm will no doubt make of herself.

Any unmarried siblings you may have will no doubt thank you for setting a precedent when it's their turn to walk down the aisle.

Btw, don't rely on presenting her with the seating plan on the day on the assumption that she'll go along with it as this type of self-absorbed individual will have no compunction about making a fuss and ruining any occasion if they don't get their own way.

If your df chooses to put his dw above his dc and chooses not to attend your wedding because you haven't invited her it will be his loss and I doubt he'll be missed or his absence remarked on.

I wrote the above before reading your latest OP from which it appears that you've chosen to trample on your self-effacing dm's feelings to appease your tramp sm. Of course your dm told you that whatever you want to do is ok by her, but I'm surprised and disappointed that you've chickened out of doing right by her.

@Maybe83 he has social anxiety and was emotionally abused by exW resulting in severe depression. That was just my situation! Not really relevant in this situation I guess!

This is why we eloped!

Much as it would be lovely to not invite her, it would probably cause more bad feeling than having her there.
No way should she be anywhere near the top table though.

For those saying it's not fair to separate them, of course it is. I've been a bridesmaid twice as an adult. Each time my partner was there and not on the top table with me. He was sat with other friends.

It's one thing for her poor mother to have to have the woman at the wedding but quite another to have to share a table with her.

My cousin went through similar at her wedding as her father had left her mother for another woman. It actually was ok in the end.

If I see one more post where the phrase top table is in quote marks, as if it’s some ridiculous piece of nonsense the OP made up this morning, I’ll open a vein. Maybe YOU think it’s old fashioned; maybe YOU have been to plenty of weddings without a traditional top table. It doesn’t stop them being a) a common feature of traditional weddings and b) what the OP wants.

OP - I think you are doing exactly the right thing. Calmly but firmly state that the top table is parents and bridal party only - no exceptions. Don’t even offer your dad the choice. If he really kicks up a fuss and you can’t hear him not to be there, tell him you’ll seat them together, but absolutely not at the top table - no arguments.

If I was in your shoes and he made a fuss about not being able to sit next to his wife, I’d probably remind him that my parents hadn’t sat together in X years thanks to her; therefore he could probably manage two hours. You’re probably a nicer person than me though

Thanks all. There are some people here who clearly dont understand what it is like when a parent has an affair. 16 years down the line if I was still holding on to the hatred and anger I used to feel it would help absolutely nobody. And what would I tell my children? That grandad has a wife who we ignore and doesn't come to family events? Life just doesn't work like that.

She absolutely wont make a fuss on the day or try to out-do my DM in the dress stakes. My dad is just happy to be invited at all as at one point we didn't have much of a relationship. She knows if she does anything to ruin the day he would never ever forgive her. She will screw her face up and perhaps complain to others afterwards but I don't care about that.

@Bareres I think you are amazingly patient and kind and neither of them deserve it. No, I agree, people don’t understand until they’ve lived it. I can’t imagine ever having to deal with this with ex-h’s OW if our DS marries one day. She has, as far as I can tell, been ostracised by ex-h’s family and hasn’t met them in 6 years. She also won’t face me. I admire your kindness towards those we don’t deserve it and your respect of your mum’s feelings. I hope it works out for you!