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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step mother at my wedding

274 replies

Bareres · 19/11/2019 09:41

So I'm not terribly fond of my dad's wife (SM), she is very judgemental and everything has to be about her. However she makes my dad happy and we dont see her very much (they live far away) so all fine and I make an effort to be friendly when we do see her.

DP and I are getting married. In all honesty I dont want her there. She will be sniffy about the food and (apart from my siblings who also are not too fond of her) she wont know anyone there. Also there is the issue of my DM (who is lovely and always puts everyone else's feelings ahead of her own). They have never met and I know DM will not relish the thought of being in a room with the woman who my dad had an affair with and left her for. She would never ever say that though.

So really I have to invite her or my dad would be really sad as he has no idea we dont like her. What do I do with her though? It's a big wedding and we will have a top table. I was thinking of just having our parents and bridal party on the top table and seating her at another table with people like our siblings on it so shes not just shoved at the back somewhere. Shes been dropping hints about seating but I have just brushed her off as I dont feel that I want to give her the opportunity to whinge in my dad's ear about where she is sitting. If she just turns up on the day and sees the seating plan she will have no opportunity to moan about it.

So basically AIBU to do this? Or am I being mean to her?

OP posts:
ConkerGame · 19/11/2019 14:51

I’ve been to two weddings with this scenario. At my DSis’ wedding the top table just had MOH, best man and biological parents. All step parents were sat on tables with their partner’s relatives.

The better way of doing it I think (as my friend had) is to have no rectangular top table, and then have the newly married couple, best man and partner and MOH on one table, and then each parent and their partner on a table with their family members, eg. Aunts; uncles; cousins etc

Much better to keep couples together and avoid putting divorced people on the same table as one another!

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/11/2019 14:51

@Ihatecbeebies79 Are you for real? It’s the OP’s WEDDING. She is thinking about her mum who was afforded no respect by her father or OW when they embarked on their affair. Don’t treat her like shit?! If that were my Dad, I wouldn’t have either of them within a million miles of my wedding.

OP, you are being far TOO reasonable, you don’t like the woman and you know it will hurt your mum. You need to tell your dad how you feel in my view, maybe it’s time he faced up to the pain he’s caused.

Allegorical · 19/11/2019 14:54

As she is the one he had an affair with I wouldn’t invite her myself as I would t want to put my own mother through that. And I would explain that it’s nothing against her but you have to put your mothers feelings first. If your dad has any sensitivity he will accept this.

Sagradafamiliar · 19/11/2019 15:00

You and your mum both sound extremely generous and gracious given the circumstances. For me, I would want nothing more than my mum to be comfortable and able to enjoy such an important day. I wouldn't invite the new wife. Solves the seating problem. Your dad won't be happy but oh well, he had an affair. Difficult situations can arise when you fuck your family over and put everyone in awkward positions.

User3421090989098 · 19/11/2019 15:02

Shove her at the back somewhere

Frenchw1fe · 19/11/2019 15:11

When my niece got married my db told her NOT to invite her stepmum.
He knew they don’t really get on and he wanted his dd to enjoy her day.
Now that’s a good father imo.

NaomiFromMilkShake · 19/11/2019 15:12

Splits but amicable splits so we had the largest top table in Christendom, it kept everyone happy.

Bride
Groom
Best man
Bridesmaid.
Mother of the bride
Father of the bride
Mother of the groom
Father of the groom
Mother of the grooms second husband
Father of the grooms second wife.
Brother of the bride.

Grin

Out of eleven, five are now dead, it felt like the right thing to do and I am glad I did it.

scousadelic · 19/11/2019 15:20

I wouldn't do the suggestion made upthread of just bride and groom on their own table. Friend of DDs did this due to complicated family situation, bickering and pressure. She has since said she felt they missed out on a lot of the social aspect of the wedding and wishes she stood up to people more

Original poster
Bareres · 19/11/2019 15:44

Wow. Lots of responses and opinions. Thanks. I have not read them all yet but will respond to a few things now.

The affair and break up was about 16 years ago. I will invite her as it would cause too much upset not to.

The way our venue is laid out is a very long table and lots of round tables. It would look distinctly odd if I didn't have my parents on the top table.

I am absolutely not sitting my step mother on the top table. Not a chance. To those saying I need to sit her and my dad together- that would mean ousting him from the top table.

Even if I gave my mum and dad separate tables I'm not sure who I would sit them with as there is no other family on my dads side. Also, would that mean my in laws miss out in being on the top table?

OP posts:
Afolnerd · 19/11/2019 15:46

We are in the exact same situation with my partners family. Even down to the affair. We didn’t want her at top table as we don’t have the best relationship.
We have decided. Top table is just going to be my partner and I.
One table with our kids, mil, my mum and dad and my brother and his partner.
And one table with fil, step mum and partners sibling plus partner kids etc.

The kids are happy as they get both granny’s and if anyone else doesn’t like it tough!

Original poster
Bareres · 19/11/2019 15:47

Also if it is in any way relevant I am going to be a step mum too when I get married.

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 19/11/2019 15:57

I would stick to parents on the top table, plus best man etc, dad’s wife on another table as far from your Mum as possible. If she was at all decent she would bow out.

Original poster
Bareres · 19/11/2019 15:59

This is the problem sirvix- she isnt at all decent. Shes already booked their hotel.

OP posts:
Fightingmycorner2019 · 19/11/2019 16:03

It’s about risk analysis
I really like grumps suggestion to have no top table
SM and D with family
mum with siblings

Pass it via Mum first and present as fait accompli , she cannot complain
Your Mum will be happy
Your dad can’t complain as Mum not there either

SirVixofVixHall · 19/11/2019 16:03

She sounds awful. Poor you and your poor Mum.
Your Dad should be asking her not to attend, I suppose he doesn’t want the conflict.

SirVixofVixHall · 19/11/2019 16:04

But with no top table OPs Mum is being sidelined to pacify the OW. Seems v unfair.

Fightingmycorner2019 · 19/11/2019 16:05

To those saying I need to sit her and my dad together- that would mean ousting him from the top table

Then you ask dad
2 choices dad
Top table solo as obviously she can’t be there with mum , obviously !
Or you both sit together with family

Let him handle it

HiJenny35 · 19/11/2019 16:10

Personally I wouldn't have the woman who my father cheated on my mother with at my wedding. I think it's a dreadful situation to put your mum in and even though she wouldn't say can you imagine how nervous she would be and dread the day. I'm sorry I would just explain to dad that it isn't fair to mum so he can either come on his own or not at all. When he cheated he made the choice to put himself first so if he misses out it's his own fault.

billy1966 · 19/11/2019 16:14

Why on earth would you tolerate someone who isn't decent at your wedding.

Be careful OP, that in trying to appease your father you don't do something that you will regret as you mature.

I think @Caledoniahasmyheartforever writes a lot of sense.

If anything happens that causes your lovely mother, who has been through so much, to be upset at her DD's wedding, you could be in for major regret.

I think you are inadvertently putting your father and OW who broke up your family first to avoid the kicking off.

Not a good reason IMO.

Your father is in denial about ye liking her, because he's a selfish git that put himself first all those years ago and continues to do so.

This is one of those times when loyalty and respect for your lovely mother should be first and foremost in your mind.

Wishing you the very best💐

stucknoue · 19/11/2019 16:18

Seat her with your siblings, but do make sure your dad is aware plenty of time in advance. I'm guessing your mum doesn't have a partner from your post, but would be nice for her to be able to bring a friend, eg my mum is going with her close friend to her friends grandkids thing to avoid her going alone when her ex has the gf 30 years younger

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/11/2019 16:20

Have the word with your Dad.
He needs to tell her to stand down - it really is NOT her place to throw her weight around.
Your mum is the important one in this situation (and you, of course!) and even if she says it's all fine, it really isn't.
Just go for the actual parents only plus bridegroom and chief bridesmaid (but not their partners) on top table - but tell your Dad this is what's happening. Let him deal with it - and if he refuses to, or tries to wheedle her into being on top table, then you'll have to give him the hard choice of either keeping her in line or not coming.

stucknoue · 19/11/2019 16:21

Ps my ex and I decided that we would never do this to our kids, parents need to be considerate!

NoSauce · 19/11/2019 16:22

Will your siblings agree to sitting with her. Poor things having to be lumbered with her. I feel for you OP. I know you feel like you have to invite her to keep the peace but I can imagine that you don’t really want her there.

Did you mum remarry?

AlexaAmbidextra · 19/11/2019 16:22

Thank goodness that when my DSS got married everyone was grown up and civilised. I was her DF’s partner. I told her to seat me anywhere, I really didn’t mind. She insisted I was on the top table with her dad and that her Mum’s partner was on the top table with her mum. On the morning of her wedding, when I dropped off my partner, her DF, at her house, she and her mum insisted I go in and help her get dressed. The three of us, the bride, her mum and me were in her bedroom helping her and drinking champagne. I had never formally met her mum before. It was the most gloriously happy wedding as people put their differences behind them and acted like adults and not selfish spiteful children.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 19/11/2019 16:23

I booked my wedding and told my father the date, he was informed me he and his partner had already booked a holiday away so there was no way they could attend my wedding (I'm the only child too).

Worked out well as I didn't want her ruining the day with her toxic attitude and him acting like her lap dog.

Do what is right for you and your dp OP.