Step mother at my wedding

[Bareres]

So I'm not terribly fond of my dad's wife (SM), she is very judgemental and everything has to be about her. However she makes my dad happy and we dont see her very much (they live far away) so all fine and I make an effort to be friendly when we do see her.

DP and I are getting married. In all honesty I dont want her there. She will be sniffy about the food and (apart from my siblings who also are not too fond of her) she wont know anyone there. Also there is the issue of my DM (who is lovely and always puts everyone else's feelings ahead of her own). They have never met and I know DM will not relish the thought of being in a room with the woman who my dad had an affair with and left her for. She would never ever say that though.

So really I have to invite her or my dad would be really sad as he has no idea we dont like her. What do I do with her though? It's a big wedding and we will have a top table. I was thinking of just having our parents and bridal party on the top table and seating her at another table with people like our siblings on it so shes not just shoved at the back somewhere. Shes been dropping hints about seating but I have just brushed her off as I dont feel that I want to give her the opportunity to whinge in my dad's ear about where she is sitting. If she just turns up on the day and sees the seating plan she will have no opportunity to moan about it.

So basically AIBU to do this? Or am I being mean to her?

[Havaina]

@NoSauce

Another post and run?

Looks like it. Bloody annoying and pointless. OP, if you’re not planning to return - dick move.

[saraclara]

Just a thought, but some MNetters do work. And many of them don't have access to their phones. OP posted at 9:40 and it's only 12:32

I find this bad-tempered demanding that the OP comes back to comment almost immediately, really selfish.

[SarahNade]

Why doesn't your father know you and your siblings don't like her? See, this is the problem with 95% of posts on this site - zero communication. You've made a rod for your own back. Perhaps she didn't know she was being judgemental/came across that way, if you had told your dad he could have had a word to her, maybe she would have changed. You don't know. But you also haven't even tried. Honesty is always the best policy. She should have told your father. But now, it will come as a shock, after all this time, AND, the shock of you not wanting her there. You really should have told your father from the start.

[hauntedvagina]

Invite her, it would be mean not to. But don't put her on the top table, and given the circumstances, I wouldn't have any parents at the top table. Could you consider a top table with bridesmaids and best man / ushers? Seat your mum with your siblings and your dad and step mum with other family?

[NoSauce]

I find this bad-tempered demanding that the OP comes back to comment almost immediately, really selfish

Bad tempered? Did you just make that up then? Who’s been bad tempered?

Shoot me that I find it odd that a brand new poster starts a thread then disappears.

[RiftGibbon]

A wedding I recently went to had the situation where the grooms' parents were divorced and both had new partners. Top table was b&g + her mother (widowed), maid of honour & best man.
Other family members/wedding party members were seated closest to the top table.

[NoNewsisGood]

Elope!!

But, if that isn't an option, then round tables are the way to go. Then, one has you, groom, any best men/women/ushers/bridesmaids types.

Then, you have your father's table, him, wife and and rellies from his side. usually round tables are 6, 8 or 10. So could be some other random rellies that they will know and enjoy the time with or at least guests of similar age.

Mum's table (as above).

Siblings table with their other halves and then pack in a few of your closest friends (from both of you) that they will likely know each other at least by name.

Other tables as required.

Only way to make it 'fair' to the point that no one can complain as everyone is equal. If she does kick up a fuss, go to your father and point out that he had an affair and these are the consequences and she needs to be kept in line by him or will neither will be invited.

Good luck!

And seriously......elope!!

[TatianaLarina]

Invite her, it would be mean not to.

I’d say it was quite mean of the dad to have an affair. OP can’t avoid inviting him. But there’s no obligation to invite someone no-one likes who is self-centered and judgemental to boot.

[Spudina]

Round tables are your friend in this situation.

[Hanab]

Wherever you are OP in the end it is Not a requirement that she be at the top table .. she should not be having expectations for anything nor should your dad ..

[NerdyBird]

I think the choices are: traditional top table with parents only, or no parents at top table at all. SM will just have to deal.
I am a SM and dreading either of dsc getting married as there would be worse complications than this! I intend to stay firmly out of it unless expressly asked for input. I'm kind of hoping they just have DPs rather than spouses!

[Fifthtimelucky]

I didn't have my stepmother on my top table, or my adult bridesmaid's husband, or the best man's wife.

I did, however, think carefully about where to seat them, so that they would be with people they knew.

[PlumMustard]

the woman who my dad had an affair with and left her for.
^this

and
my dad would be really sad as he has no idea we dont like her.

How can your dad possibly not know. He had an affair with her which ultimately broke up your parents marriage. Of course he must know you don't like her.

[CouldBeAGreatMum]

I had similar issues with family members I didn't want seated together (or near me). What we did was, we had 3 circular "top tables" as it were. Table 1 with me and DH along with our bridesmaids / best man etc (basically our best mates). Then we had two other top tables with the rest of the families split between the two, and this enabled the ex partner to be sat on a separate table to the new partner. I definitely think the only way to get around these type of issues is to go with a less traditional arrangements and that way your SM can't argue with it.

[loseyourself]

you can't put her at the top table, how offensive would the be to your mother. Also have the top table you want, but also what about your partner, his parents may want to sit at the top table, so removing parents from the top table altogether just to keep step mother happy would be punishing his parents too. A grown woman can manage for the duration of the meal especially knowing the history, does she really expect to be part of everything and embraced with open arms, your dad couldn't be that clueless either.

[lippi]

if she mentions seating again ask her pointedly " where would you like to sit, are you asking can you have my mothers spot at the top table?
Shame her and let her moan to your dad about seating arrangements. if he says a word to you about it, point out to him that its he who changed wives, you very happily kept your mother.

[InACheeseAndPickle]

YANBU. Prioritise your mum who sounds selfless over this lady who will still probably moan at you even if you go out of your way to accommodate her.

[Icanflyhigh]

I'm with those that say don't invite her.
Your wedding, your choice.

[greenlavender]

If you do sit her away from your Dad then you have to tell them first. Not to spare her feelings but to stop an almighty scene.

[Electrocute1980]

We had a similar situation so we had a top table with the two of us, our DD, my bridesmaid and our best man. Mum and stepdad were sat at a table to our right with close family on mum's side, Dad and step mum were at a table to our left with close family from dad's side. Could you do that maybe?

[PathOfLeastResitance]

I would put her on another table.

[Caledoniahasmyheartforever]

I think it’s pretty shitty to invite her at all tbh.

I would invite your Dad, say you are happy that he is happy and in a loving relationship/ marriage, but that the way he began that relationship was a complete betrayal of your Mother, and that you will not have that betrayal rubbed in your Mums face, on what should be one of the happiest days of her life- her daughters wedding. If he disagrees, ask him when you were a baby/ small child who did he imagine would be on your top table! Tell him this is your wedding and you want your parents to be with you to celebrate that special day. If your Dad refuses to go, I would accept it and say that’s his choice, you will have your Mum walk you down the aisle instead.

My Mums best friend had to share the top table with the OW and it broke her heart. The Ow made it clear that she saw herself as Mother of the Bride and as her husband helped pay for the wedding she elbowed herself to the front in everything- agreed to by the bride. If you were to look at the wedding photos you would think the OW was MOB and my lovely Aunt(Mums friend) was just a guest. I was disgusted with the bride- who cared more about money and the big fancy wedding that the feelings of her own Mother. The crazy thing is the OW is no longer even with my Aunts Ex- but will forever be centre stage in all the wedding photos!

[Cloverbeauty]

Exactly what Caledonia said. This woman could easily see another man and go wandering off with him, another married one no doubt. Your parents are there forever, this one could be a short term thing. Why bother having her there at all? Especially when she won't even enjoy it or be grateful.

[toobusytothink]

I had this exact situation!! I had a top table with my mum and dad on. We invited a few family friends so we put her on a table with them and everyone was happy (except I slipped up and her table name place had her maiden name on which she thought I’d done deliberately - I genuinely hadn’t - but she kicked off)

[bohemia14]

@Cloverbeauty I think that's a bit harsh. The OP may not like her father's wife very much but to suggest she might see someone else she fancies and go off with him at the wedding is taking things a bit far.