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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step mother at my wedding

274 replies

Bareres · 19/11/2019 09:41

So I'm not terribly fond of my dad's wife (SM), she is very judgemental and everything has to be about her. However she makes my dad happy and we dont see her very much (they live far away) so all fine and I make an effort to be friendly when we do see her.

DP and I are getting married. In all honesty I dont want her there. She will be sniffy about the food and (apart from my siblings who also are not too fond of her) she wont know anyone there. Also there is the issue of my DM (who is lovely and always puts everyone else's feelings ahead of her own). They have never met and I know DM will not relish the thought of being in a room with the woman who my dad had an affair with and left her for. She would never ever say that though.

So really I have to invite her or my dad would be really sad as he has no idea we dont like her. What do I do with her though? It's a big wedding and we will have a top table. I was thinking of just having our parents and bridal party on the top table and seating her at another table with people like our siblings on it so shes not just shoved at the back somewhere. Shes been dropping hints about seating but I have just brushed her off as I dont feel that I want to give her the opportunity to whinge in my dad's ear about where she is sitting. If she just turns up on the day and sees the seating plan she will have no opportunity to moan about it.

So basically AIBU to do this? Or am I being mean to her?

OP posts:

Contraceptionismyfriend · 20/11/2019 11:06

@JKScot4 it's not hypocritical.
I'm sure the OP and others in her position place plenty of blame on their fathers.

But that's still their dad. The man has been there from day dot.

Some woman who assisted in ruining their happiness is owed nothing.
She has no loyalty. No happy memories, and no tie.

Nobody is obligated to forgive or form bonds with everyone.

My tolerance for forgiveness is a lot higher for my immediate family than it would be for a work associate or acquaintance.

KarmaStar · 20/11/2019 11:59

Hi op,
This is you and your partner's day so go with your feelings nobody else's.
She will be absolutely find on another table.Don't be swayed by other people saying itself the right thing to do.
You want the top table photos to be of a happy group of people you both 💘love,not the person who wrecked your lives.
Your day.enjoy it,it goes so fast.

KarmaStar · 20/11/2019 12:00

It's not itself ,typo sorry x

Frozenfan2019 · 20/11/2019 13:58

If it was 16 years ago personally I think that inviting her is the right thing. I am in a similar position. It's a really tough call but I wonder if the people saying to not invite her and cause drama in your family have actually been through this. 16 years is a long time to hold a grudge and I imagine the mother has moved on.

I don't think she should be on the top table though. To not invite her is slightly different.

Original poster

Bareres · 20/11/2019 18:47

Thanks for the opinions everyone. Some people think I'm being too nice, some people think too harsh. On balance it seems like I'm doing the right thing so I conclude that IANBU.

OP posts:

DonKeyshot · 20/11/2019 22:18

Conclude what you want, Bareres, but read what you've said about your dm in your opening post and how she always puts other people's feelings first while your sm makes everything about herself and will be snippy about the food you've chosen etc, and then read your drip feed about how your df has your sm under control and she won't cause any problems whatsoever.

It seems to me this is a bit of a non-thread as I suspect you'd already made your decision before you posted here and it's one I'm sure will cause private pain to your dm who would never reveal that fact to you.

JonSnowsCloak · 20/11/2019 22:44

OP, I'm in a very similar situation to yourself, and reading this thread has really helped me and probably made you feel better about your decision. Stick to your guns, put her on a different table, if she doesn't like it its your wedding and your choice, not hers!

Chocmallows · 20/11/2019 23:49

OP go with your gut instincts!

Boots20 · 21/11/2019 00:03

Did you go to their wedding OP, what was your seating arrangement at their wedding if you did

Aderyn19 · 21/11/2019 08:44

Why is that relevant Boots? OP was the child of the groom. Bit different to being step mother of the bride (and ow in the break up of the parents relationship).

CravingCheese · 21/11/2019 11:15

Boots

That‘s completely irrelevant. The Op is her father‘s daughter.

her father‘s wife is apparently „nothing“ (not particularly close or liked...) to the OP.
And the possible argument of fairness in regards to these seating arrangements only extend to the father‘s position in her wedding. Seeing as that‘s also why the OP would have been included in the wedding of her father and his new wife....

The OP is nice enough to invite her DF‘s wife. Which is imo a fairly understandable favour to her father. But her own feelings and the feelings of the OP’s own mother are imo much more important than the wishes of her father‘s new wife.

LuluMily · 21/11/2019 11:37

Completely agree. Biological parents at the top table . . . The "new" wife has no right to claim a spot on the top table

BusterTheBulldog · 21/11/2019 11:51

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all, if a grown up can’t sit apart from their partner for 90mins then that’s their issue.

We didn’t have a traditional top table, just bridesmaids, best man and master of ceremonies and us, we only have a small family so put them all on a table together! If I was to do it again I’d like to swap between tables for each course, it looked like out guests were having more fun than us!

I’ve seen step parents in too tables but only when both parents have a new partner, if only one does then it’s not fair I don’t think.

Bibidy · 21/11/2019 12:21

You should invite her and have her and your dad sit with your siblings on the other table.

So many people choose their wedding day to make a 'stand' and finally show step-parents how unimportant/disliked they are - it's really not the place and can cause repercussions for years.

Not to mention, it's not just the step-parent being hurt but your dad too. Just invite them and sit them together, have your mum on the top table with you. That way you're making your point anyway.

Bibidy · 21/11/2019 12:31

I appreciate your desire to have your mum and dad at the top table with you, but the reality is that they would probably prefer to be sat apart anyway.

Why make them sit together, not let your dad sit with his wife and also make her feel excluded all at the same time? It's just not worth it.

I know people have said the meal is 90 mins out of the day so it doesn't matter if the SM and your dad sit apart , but I'd argue the other way to be honest. It's 90 mins, why risk causing upset and drama for your dad and his wife? It honestly just isn't worth it.

bohemia14 · 21/11/2019 12:48

As a SM it didn't bother me in the slightest to be sat at a different table to my DH. It wasn't my day, it was his daughter's day and she was his focus and of course he wanted to sit with her.

It isn't a big hardship to sit somewhere else for a couple of hours and any reasonable adult should be able to deal with this. I was pleased to be invited.

AnybodyWantAChip · 21/11/2019 12:55

And what would I tell my children? That grandad has a wife who we ignore and doesn't come to family events? Life just doesn't work like that.

That's what I did....
But to be fair, it didn't go so well. 10 years NC now.

AnybodyWantAChip · 21/11/2019 12:58

At my wedding I didn't have a top table to avoid all this hassle. Loads of round tables with people sat together in groups of friends/family. Saved loads of arguments.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/11/2019 23:54

So many people choose their wedding day to make a 'stand' and finally show step-parents how unimportant/disliked they are - it's really not the place and can cause repercussions for years.

So can shagging a married man.

Willyoujustbequiet · 22/11/2019 01:21

If she was the OW and broke up your family don't invite her. She reaps what she has sown.

Show loyalty to your mum and who cares what your Dad thinks. He must have put himself first when you were a child. Its your day. Put yourself first.

user1471449295 · 22/11/2019 01:32

I wouldn’t have her on top table, and I would just do seating plan and she can see on the day where she is sitting. She’s not your mother, nor by the sounds of it a close ‘step’ family member. Entirely reasonable and normal to seat her with other people she knows

Babysharkdoodoodood · 22/11/2019 01:48

I'm a step-mum and when sds got married dh and ex's sat at the top table. I sat at a nearby table with my kids and the gp's. But we're all quite civil. Didn't feel put out. I just married into the family not created it.

ittakes2 · 22/11/2019 22:21

I think if you are going to have an affair with a married man it’s too much to meet his ex wife for the first time at their daughter’s wedding. I don‘t think either your dad or his new wife should expect her to be invited. I feel really sorry for your poor mum.

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 22/11/2019 22:42

We had u shaped layout. did bride, groom, best man, maid of honour on the horizontal and put parents, step parents and siblings down one vertical and friends down the other. No one knew until they arrived and we split up the ow and mum between siblings and bridesmaids. At weddings, you go where you are put. End of.

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