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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step mother at my wedding

274 replies

Bareres · 19/11/2019 09:41

So I'm not terribly fond of my dad's wife (SM), she is very judgemental and everything has to be about her. However she makes my dad happy and we dont see her very much (they live far away) so all fine and I make an effort to be friendly when we do see her.

DP and I are getting married. In all honesty I dont want her there. She will be sniffy about the food and (apart from my siblings who also are not too fond of her) she wont know anyone there. Also there is the issue of my DM (who is lovely and always puts everyone else's feelings ahead of her own). They have never met and I know DM will not relish the thought of being in a room with the woman who my dad had an affair with and left her for. She would never ever say that though.

So really I have to invite her or my dad would be really sad as he has no idea we dont like her. What do I do with her though? It's a big wedding and we will have a top table. I was thinking of just having our parents and bridal party on the top table and seating her at another table with people like our siblings on it so shes not just shoved at the back somewhere. Shes been dropping hints about seating but I have just brushed her off as I dont feel that I want to give her the opportunity to whinge in my dad's ear about where she is sitting. If she just turns up on the day and sees the seating plan she will have no opportunity to moan about it.

So basically AIBU to do this? Or am I being mean to her?

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 19/11/2019 21:49

I know various people whose parent had an affair.

They didn’t hold on to hatred and anger. They were, however, very clear with the parent about their behaviour and what they thought of it. And very clear on boundaries.

absopugginglutely · 19/11/2019 21:50

Just invite her, don't leave her out that's very childish.

JKScot4 · 19/11/2019 21:51

It’s rather hypocritical to say exclude step mothers who were OW yet dear daddy still gets the gold standard treatment; he’s the cheat, he’s the one that broke your mothers heart. Such an outdated attitude to hate the woman.

Original poster
Bareres · 19/11/2019 21:53

Is there anything in my posts that indicate I havent been clear on boundaries or how I feel? I was very very clear when the affair happened. I'm not going to keep going on about it for 16 years.

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 19/11/2019 22:40

Yes, I was the OW when I was welcome at my DSD’s wedding. My DP and his XDW had both had affairs over the years so neither were completely innocent. His ex-wife and I got on very well, so well in fact that when she sadly died a couple of years ago my DSD asked me to go to her funeral. For those that asked, I have also been the cheated on partner so I can see it from both sides. It just seems to me that so many on this thread seem determined to hang on to their bitterness and anger until the end of time. What’s the point? Your bitterness isn’t hurting those who you feel wronged you. It just eats away at you. What a sad way to live your life.

Bluerussian · 19/11/2019 22:46

GrumpyHoonMain Tue 19-Nov-19 09:45:48
I think you are being more than accomodating considering you don’t like her. However there is another option that may make things easier on your mum - why not do a top table with just the two of you? Put your stepmum and dad with other (perhaps more distant?) family and put your mum and siblings together. The bridal party can then sit together. That tends to be the way I’ve seen it play out in Indian weddings where seating arrangements can get political even without divorces!!
..........
I like this idea.

Chocmallows · 19/11/2019 22:49

OP I agree with you, you shouldn't have to focus on an affair that happened 16 years ago. My exH is with OW and they have both been horrible towards me over the past 4 years, but I am bored of all the drama. Life moves on and sometimes it is people around wanting to vent anger at a cheat, when the ex-wife and kids would rather move on.

I wonder if your DM and you should have a chat and work out what you think is best so your dad can be there with SM, but with focus on you and the family you would like closer to you.

CustomerCervixDepartment · 19/11/2019 22:55

I highly recommend eloping, guests are a fucking nightmare and you have to pay a fortune for them to be there, ruining your day with their little feuds and theatrics. There’s no need for a ‘top table’ with a broken marriage with your parents. Do a sweetheart table and ‘sit wherever you want’ sign for everyone else. Your fathers mistress-now-wife is not worth the headspace or money to host her.

TatianaLarina · 19/11/2019 22:56

Clear boundaries:

  1. Your dad no idea you don’t like her and would be sad if he knew. Why not just be honest with him?
  1. You say ‘in all honesty I don’t want her there’. You could just be clear about that too.
  1. You say you ‘have’ to invite her because of 1. No you don’t you can just be clear about your true feelings.
  1. Your mother won’t ‘relish’ her being there? That is a massive understatement. Your mother has never met the woman her DH left her for. That will be really hard for her. And your wedding will forever be associated with the fact that it’s the first time in her life she has ever seen OW. It doesn’t matter that it was 16 years ago - it will bring everything up. Painful and humiliating.

But she won’t say anything because she will put your feelings, your father and SM’s feelings before your own. A good boundary there would be to not put your mum in that position.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 19/11/2019 23:00

She’s the other women? I wouldn’t think twice about not inviting her. My loyalty would be with my mother. Your dad maybe upset but these are the consequences of his actions. If she was a nice person I may consider asking my mum but if she is like you describe then no.

How awful for your mum to have to attend your wedding and meet her for the first time. Very embarrassing for her.

I just could t do this to my mum.

callmeadoctor · 19/11/2019 23:13

Just have a top table with you two, best man and partner, and bridesmaids (with or without partners). Then everybody sat with relevant partners. Speeches can still be made, easy Grin

Chocmallows · 19/11/2019 23:16

As a mum/ex-wife I already know I would focus on my DC if a day was special to them and they wanted me and their dad there. I'm 4 years on, after 16 years I really can't imagine being fussed about it. This is with him (ex) being a twat towards me and her (OW) not making an effort with my DC.
I know people mean well, but I would want my DC to speak directly to me and not imagine that I am too fragile to be near OW. OP please share this with your DM.

callmeadoctor · 19/11/2019 23:17

Don't forget, your father had the affair (not necessarily the stepmom at fault!!!)

Clearnightsky · 19/11/2019 23:17

YABU you do need to invite her. She’s your Dads wife! It would be massively disrespectful not to. And put him in a terrible position.

Auberjean · 19/11/2019 23:25

I would invite her but absolutely not top table.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 19/11/2019 23:26

I wouldn't have her at the top table.stick her somewhere in the middle. And stick by your friends and relatives at the wedding. She's unlikely to come up and talk to your mum, surely? Perhaps you could raise the issue with her about whether she will feel comfortable at the wedding with your mum and her side of the family present, given what occurred. Maybe that will make her sufficiently uncomfortable and she will decline an invitation. Btw though, your mum was the one who bought you up, not her, so I'd put your mum's feelings before hers.surely your dad could understand that?

ilovepixie · 19/11/2019 23:33

I am a step mum. At my stepsons wedding his mum and dad ( my partner) were on the top table and I was at the table with siblings. It was fine. I didn't expect to be on the top table.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/11/2019 00:00

It’s rather hypocritical to say exclude step mothers who were OW yet dear daddy still gets the gold standard treatment; he’s the cheat, he’s the one that broke your mothers heart. Such an outdated attitude to hate the woman.

Someone always has to make it into man versus woman. Has it ever occurred to you that the OP, or anyone in her position, is more forgiving of their parent than the random person they cheated with? What makes you think that, had the OP’s mum cheated, she would have blamed her mum, as the woman, instead of the man?

Of course it takes two to tango - and of course most people would be very angry at their parent for cheating. But it’s a lot easier to blame someone to whom you have zero connection than it is to cut a parent out of your life.

In any case, at what point have you got the impression that her OP have her father ‘the gold standard treatment’? She has said her stepmom can come to the wedding - that’s all. The whole point of the thread is that the OP doesn’t want her to be at the top table or a big part of the wedding.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/11/2019 01:55

What it really boils down to in the different attitude to the father and the OW, is that the father IS the father! He is the biological parent, regardless of his bad behaviour. He has no rights that the bride (or groom) are not willing to give him, but he IS still a parent. The OW/SM is not a parent and has no automatic affinity with the bride (or groom) - and has no rights at all.

So that's why the father in this instance is getting more consideration - because he IS the bride's father. I don't know why that's so hard to understand!

JKScot4 · 20/11/2019 07:48

@StillCoughingandLaughing
Not man V woman, the attitude that the OW is the bad one and daddy dearest is still welcome in the fold, it’s hypocritical; he’s the cheat, he broke the family up.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/11/2019 08:35

Well yes, but as I said earlier, he is her father. The OP may well have been furious with him, but she has an understandable desire to at least try to forgive him. The stepmother means nothing to her.

saraclara · 20/11/2019 08:43

I'm trying to understand the perspective of someone who thinks that a daughter should treat the man who brought her up and who she loves, the person who is half of her, in the same way she treats a random woman that she barely knows.

I'm falling. It's a ridiculous position to take.

Crackerofdoom · 20/11/2019 08:51

I would also add that if you have the conversations now and don't invite her, no matter how unpleasant it is - the issue will be dealt with before the day.

So you can enjoy your day properly and not be worrying about it.

LuluMily · 20/11/2019 10:42

She's not your biological mum, you are so right to prioritise.your actual mums feelings over a woman who just happens to be in your life because of your father!

I'd have parents at top table and he with the rest of the family. She has no claim to sit at the top table . . . She can sit with others at tables . . . If she's upset, it's not on you . . . If on the day she has an issue, she's your father's GUEST . . . She's married to him but that doesn't give her automatic right to you, your day or to make your day about her.

Dandelion1993 · 20/11/2019 10:53

We had a top table and had dps mum and dad there.

Their partners were sat elsewhere.