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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step mother at my wedding

274 replies

Bareres · 19/11/2019 09:41

So I'm not terribly fond of my dad's wife (SM), she is very judgemental and everything has to be about her. However she makes my dad happy and we dont see her very much (they live far away) so all fine and I make an effort to be friendly when we do see her.

DP and I are getting married. In all honesty I dont want her there. She will be sniffy about the food and (apart from my siblings who also are not too fond of her) she wont know anyone there. Also there is the issue of my DM (who is lovely and always puts everyone else's feelings ahead of her own). They have never met and I know DM will not relish the thought of being in a room with the woman who my dad had an affair with and left her for. She would never ever say that though.

So really I have to invite her or my dad would be really sad as he has no idea we dont like her. What do I do with her though? It's a big wedding and we will have a top table. I was thinking of just having our parents and bridal party on the top table and seating her at another table with people like our siblings on it so shes not just shoved at the back somewhere. Shes been dropping hints about seating but I have just brushed her off as I dont feel that I want to give her the opportunity to whinge in my dad's ear about where she is sitting. If she just turns up on the day and sees the seating plan she will have no opportunity to moan about it.

So basically AIBU to do this? Or am I being mean to her?

OP posts:
Damntheman · 19/11/2019 13:31

Why doesn't your father know you and your siblings don't like her? See, this is the problem with 95% of posts on this site - zero communication. You've made a rod for your own back

You say this, and you're likely right most of the time. But denial is a strong bugger. My family can't stand my sister's DH, admittedly my mum is very careful about saying so as she doesn't want to lose my sister. But I flat out lost my temper with him when pregnant and told them both I feel he is abusive.

Three years later and my sister still thinks everyone likes him and it's all happy families. Her denial game is STRONG.

SoggySockRage · 19/11/2019 13:35

I love my step mum, but my step dad is an arsehole. I'm also an only child, as are both my parents, so unfortunately small families all round son not many places to hide. Everyone gets on, and tolerates SD for mums sake (he had said at one stage he wouldn't come as 'doesn't like weddings' 🙄)

When we got married, my parents sat at the top table with us and bridal party, and then we had a table of mums family (step dad, nan, aunt, few of mums friends etc) to one side and one of dads family with the same to the other. Worked well for us?

HostessTrolley · 19/11/2019 13:44

I had my four sisters (well one sister, two half sisters, one step sister as bridesmaids. I sat my SM on the top table where a chief bridesmaid would go, at the opposite end to the best man. She wasn’t next to my dad but she was next to her youngest daughter who was a BM. She still made barbed comments...

misspiggy19 · 19/11/2019 13:49

**Please consider your dm, why are you considerate of your dad's feelings, but not your dm's because she behaves nicely?

She isn't vocal about this, but being sat with the ow is just a slap in the face.**

^This. You care more about your cheating fathers feeling than your poor innocent mum.

SirVixofVixHall · 19/11/2019 13:52

No way would I have her on the top table. That is for your Mum and Dad. Even more so as she is the OW. Have the traditional top table and seat her with relatives somewhere else.

BarbedBloom · 19/11/2019 13:55

This is exactly why we had a sweetheart table at our wedding, the seating politics were driving me round the twist. I would mention to your dad that you just want your parents at the top table, but she will be sat with your siblings at a table near the front.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 19/11/2019 13:57

I wouldn't even invite her. You don't like her and she was the OW. Why put your Dad's feelings above your Mum's? It's your day.

SirVixofVixHall · 19/11/2019 14:00

I agree in putting your Mum first. She is the innocent party. Having the OW at the top table is cruel imo.

Dollymixture22 · 19/11/2019 14:03

Surely this lady must accept your mother and father are the important people at this wedding, not her.

I know step parents are a very touchy subject here, but surely it’s okay that she is t given equal status as the mother of the bride?

I think you are being Generous to Invite her. While it was your dad who betrayed your mum, this lady is a massive reminder of that betrayal. She isn’t your parent, and you are doing you dad a big favour by inviting her.

If she and your dad can’t be gracious then that’s their issue, not yours. Seat her where you are most comfortable, then close your ears to the fall out

herbie01 · 19/11/2019 14:04

A bit of a side point but who is walking you down the aisle? (Dad, mum, both, no-one?) Sounds like your DM deserves the honour just quietly Flowers

Is your dad (and by extension SM?) contributing anything financially to the wedding?

You could not invite (i wouldn't!) - Calendia's wording was blunt, but true, if you feel comfortable going that far,- but be prepared for backlash from your dad, including him not attending and not walking you down aisle, father daughter dance etc if those were important to you. Also don't count on any financial contribution he may has promised - obviously i don't know what dad is like but if dad is contributing $$ be prepared for guilt trip based on money (especially from SM) and even be ready to return/ decline any of dad's money to support your position. Given that he has prioritised this woman over his own family previously (with the affair), it's a very real possibility.

If you want to mitigate possible fall out, invite her, certainly not top table with DM!!, and speak to your dad and ask him if he would like his place at top table as your parent or if he'd prefer to be seated with SM. Give him that choice only. If he raises a fuss about SM not being at top table, firm stance - "The top table is for mum and dad only" (I'm assuming that DH-to-be parent side is just his mum & dad so no double standard?) and just keep repeating that in response to any protest. Make sure DH and any other family parties eg sister assisting organising know your position & back you up (in case SM or dad approaches them)

I'm not one for pretending happy families when there's massive elephant/s under the rug - I can't imagine ever being in this situation but I'd hope that I could have an honest, adult conversation with a cheating parent about the matter. Also, As Damn said, DENIAL game can be strong in some - wouldn't surprise me if dad has head buried in sand & loves the "happy family" facade to avoid having to face consequences of his crap behaviour. Also likely that SM is also oblivious or more likely too arrogant to think anyone could possibly dislike her as she is so wonderful and thinks all the children love their darling stepmummy.

saraclara · 19/11/2019 14:04

It doesn't matter whether it's the traditional top table or a circular one, either. Mum should not have to sit at the same table as step-mum. Especially as mum doesn't have a partner of her own to balance things out.

roisinagusniamh · 19/11/2019 14:05

Please p[ut your lovely, kind mother first and put the Step mother as close to the door as possible!
What does your Dad not know you dislike her, especially given he left your mother for her?
In being so considerate of him you are compromising your mother's feelings.
She nmay noy show it but having the OW anywhere near her will cause her pain.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 19/11/2019 14:14

I'm a SM. I wasn't on the top table for DSD's wedding and wouldn't have expected it for one second. I do wish she'd put me on a table with people I knew though, rather than a more 'prestigious' family table where I knew not one person.

So put her where you like, but place her kindly!

fudgesmummy · 19/11/2019 14:15

Slightly off topic but my mum met my dads partner of 30 years for the first time at his funeral.
Awkward.

FilthyforFirth · 19/11/2019 14:17

I get on exceptionally well with my step mum and she wasnt seated on the top table! It is for parents only.

You are doing well inviting her since you dont actually like her. No need at all to pander to her further. Seat her where you like.

monkeyplanet · 19/11/2019 14:18

I wouldn't even invite OW tbh and if dad had a problem he would be free not to come. Have parents only at top table

Ihatecbeebies79 · 19/11/2019 14:25

Please don't treat her like shit. I can't imagine she wants to come, but she'll come for her partner. All you're doing is thinking about YOU. Your Dad chose her, not your Mum. Get over it. Treat your Dad's choice with respect, or exclude them both. YABU.

TatianaLarina · 19/11/2019 14:36

I can't imagine she wants to come, but she'll come for her partner. All you're doing is thinking about YOU. Your Dad chose her, not your Mum. Get over it. Treat your Dad's choice with respect, or exclude them both. YABU.

If she doesn’t want to come, no-one wants her there, and her presence will upset DM then it’s a no-brainer not to invite her. OP is thinking about her mum. She is the person who most deserves consideration in this scenario not SM.

If SM had any scruples at all she wouldn’t want or expect to come.

NoSauce · 19/11/2019 14:41

I find it odd that anyone would even consider inviting someone they didn’t like to their wedding let alone the woman who had an affair with their father.

DontbeaBabs · 19/11/2019 14:41

I still can't understand why the new wife is still "the other woman" - clearly not as the dad is divorced AND remarried to her

and she is the bad guy

but the man who cheated is not upsetting anyone!

SpiderHunter · 19/11/2019 14:41

Top table is for parents only IMO. Step parents can sit with other family (ie don't shove them on their own in a corner). Married couples don't have to sit together - eg best man's wife and bridesmaid husband don't automatically get a place at the top table.

theoriginalmadambee · 19/11/2019 14:41

@Ihatecbeebies79

But it is OP's wedding, it is all about her and her partner. Not sure this is the time for op to threat her dad's chose with respect Confused.

SpiderHunter · 19/11/2019 14:44

I find it odd that anyone would even consider inviting someone they didn’t like to their wedding let alone the woman who had an affair with their father.

Because if you refuse to accept the new marriage, eventually you loose your father altogether. Most of us have some in-law we don't like, but put up with for the sake of a much-loved relative.

NoSauce · 19/11/2019 14:48

Because if you refuse to accept the new marriage, eventually you loose your father altogether. Most of us have some in-law we don't like, but put up with for the sake of a much-loved relative

Not at the expense of upsetting an innocent family member.

TatianaLarina · 19/11/2019 14:49

I wouldn’t have much love for a father who fucked over my mother.

It’s not about not accepting SM, no doubt OP does, but about not discomfiting DM at one particular family occasion.