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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step mother at my wedding

274 replies

Bareres · 19/11/2019 09:41

So I'm not terribly fond of my dad's wife (SM), she is very judgemental and everything has to be about her. However she makes my dad happy and we dont see her very much (they live far away) so all fine and I make an effort to be friendly when we do see her.

DP and I are getting married. In all honesty I dont want her there. She will be sniffy about the food and (apart from my siblings who also are not too fond of her) she wont know anyone there. Also there is the issue of my DM (who is lovely and always puts everyone else's feelings ahead of her own). They have never met and I know DM will not relish the thought of being in a room with the woman who my dad had an affair with and left her for. She would never ever say that though.

So really I have to invite her or my dad would be really sad as he has no idea we dont like her. What do I do with her though? It's a big wedding and we will have a top table. I was thinking of just having our parents and bridal party on the top table and seating her at another table with people like our siblings on it so shes not just shoved at the back somewhere. Shes been dropping hints about seating but I have just brushed her off as I dont feel that I want to give her the opportunity to whinge in my dad's ear about where she is sitting. If she just turns up on the day and sees the seating plan she will have no opportunity to moan about it.

So basically AIBU to do this? Or am I being mean to her?

OP posts:

Annasgirl · 19/11/2019 10:13

Gosh OP you are a far nicer person than I am. If my dad had left my mum and married the OW, he would for all eternity be aware of my anger and I would never, ever have kept him in the dark about my feelings for her.

Also, the traditional seating at a wedding is Bride, Groom, Bridesmaid, Best man, Bride's mum and dad (not step mum or step dad) and Groom's mum and dad (again no step parents). If she expects anything else she is being a CF.

Mix56 · 19/11/2019 10:17

this is the exact scenario my 3 nieces had.
they each had their parents on the top table, their Mother & Father.
SM was on another table with family members she knew.
No brainer. If she kicks off, she can stay at home

MumW · 19/11/2019 10:18

Your dad will probably want to sit with her though
Surely, at a traditional top table, the bride's father sits between the bride and the groom's mother and the mother of the bride between the groom and the groom's father so wouldn't be sitting with their partners anyway.

I don't see any issues with sitting your not so DSM with your siblings - surely they can take that bullet for you on your wedding day. I'm afraid that your DF, DM and nsDSM just have to suck it up as it is your day and not theirs.

After the meal, then your DF can go and sit with his wife at the opposite side of the room to your DM. You'll need to brief the bestman and bridesmaods to keep them apart though or at least be ready to step in should any conflict arise.

saraclara · 19/11/2019 10:18

NO WAY should she be at the top table. That would be so unkind and dismissive of your real mum.

At a table with your siblings or other relatives is more than fine.

Ariela · 19/11/2019 10:19

I went to a wedding a few years ago now, and due to the complications of step families, the 'top table' was the bride and groom, best man and wife, and the 4 bridesmaids and their partners ie all the friends of the wedding couple. Dad was off to one side with step mum, Mother was off to the other side with her husband, and the step siblings and siblings were carefully distributed amongst cousins and aunts/uncles/grandparents on different tables (the siblings had taken mum/dad sides too!).

Crackerofdoom · 19/11/2019 10:19

I would ask my dad not to bring her.

He must see how hard it would be for your DM to meet her for the first time at your wedding and you don't like her anyway.

It may mean that he won't attend but I would probably risk that over having her there.

StatisticallyChallenged · 19/11/2019 10:20

We had this - FIL is remarried to woman he had affair with and left MIL for after 25 years

It was a nightmare. Every suggestion brought objections. We originally planned a fairly normal top table, but SMIL didn't want to be separated from FIL (she would have been with friends). Ok, both of you on top table? No i don't want to...right. obv MIL wasn't keen on that either.

We ended up with round tables, DH and I sat with best man, bridesmaids etc, MIL on a table of her family, FIL and SMIL with their few friends and people who didn't hate them.

It was a fucking nightmare

CatUnderTheStairs · 19/11/2019 10:21

I get on with my DSS and his mum. So slightly different dynamic. But I didn't necessarily expect to be on the top table but I was really chuffed that I was.

I think you risk a big falling out if you don't. There's still a massive rift between my husband and his brother over that wedding and brother's wife not being invited (a whole other story).

Invite her, try and keep her in perspective and put her next to your dad. Anything else if very pointed and quite rude.

(Or don't have a top table at all, we didn't, it was seat yourself!).

CatUnderTheStairs · 19/11/2019 10:22

Also maybe have a chat with your dad first about your mum meeting SM for first time at wedding and have a chat with your mum about it. Could they be grown up about it and maybe meet for a cup of tea or something first.

Havaina · 19/11/2019 10:22

So your dad got away with having an affair basically because none of his kids want to make him sad?

Fuck his feelings for once and put your mum first and don’t have this woman at the wedding!

Cheeseandwin5 · 19/11/2019 10:22

I think if you behaviour fairly that there shouldn't be a problem. In that if your DM has a partner he doesn't get to sit at the top table either. Also I would put her on a 'decent' table with siblings rather than distant cousins etc.
I would be more concerned about your attitude to be honest. You seem to have drawn lines here with your DM being-'lovely and always puts everyone else's feelings ahead of her own' whilse you SM is 'very judgemental and everything has to be about her' and 'sniffy'. Whether you like it or not (and its obviously the latter), maybe its time to let go some of this hatred and just see her as the woman who makes your Dad happy.

waterrat · 19/11/2019 10:24

I think you need to invite her - we didn't have a top table at our wedding (which was in other ways pretty traditional - big hall, about 150 people sit down dinner) - we just had us and my cousins on our table as we had young kids ....

Could you just change some of the formalities so it's less stressful for your mum.?

UOkhun77 · 19/11/2019 10:24

I had a similar issue at my wedding. We just had the bridal party on the top table and seated my parents and their partners at the tables either side of it, and positioned them so they couldn’t see each other!

ShippingNews · 19/11/2019 10:25

You need to talk to both your parents about this - so that whatever you decide, they will know before the wedding. Do what you feel is right for you, and let them know. Then put it out of your mind . Have a great day !

misspiggy19 · 19/11/2019 10:25

**So your dad got away with having an affair basically because none of his kids want to make him sad?

Fuck his feelings for once and put your mum first and don’t have this woman at the wedding!**

^Agreed

Cheeseandwin5 · 19/11/2019 10:26

@havaina
As you have no idea about the state of the OP's DF and DM marriage, what happened and when, and also what support the OP has given maybe its wise to keep your small minded prejudices to yourself.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 19/11/2019 10:26

Can your dad sit with her and your siblings at a table? My step son in law did this and it worked really well. Helped by the fact that my dh (his dad) is very chilled about stuff like this and it didn't bother him that his ex wife sat on the top table and he didn't.

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/11/2019 10:26

She was the OW, I wouldn’t have her there at all. If my Dad had done that I would have bloody told him too! My own view is, if she had any self awareness whatsoever, she wouldn’t expect to be invited.

However, I’m a bitch and also a cheated on ex wife so my view is skewed.

IWantADifferentName · 19/11/2019 10:28

It is good manners to invite her. Weddings celebrate Marriage and she is married to you father.

It is also entirely appropriate to seat her with your siblings. If you hate her, you could also sear her at a table for distant relatives. She is part of your (extended) family now.

With regards to her dropping hints about the seating plan, what type of hints? She might be fishing for information so she is prepared for the day rather than wanting to be at the top table.

As a stepmother myself, I would want to be invited and would be happy to take a backseat so that the Bride has a happy day without worrying about warring parents.

lau888 · 19/11/2019 10:28

Neither you nor your siblings should have to entertain someone you don't like on your wedding day - which is supposed to be a happy occasion. If you invite her, seat her somewhere else. However, I agree with a past poster that it would be kind to offer your dad the choice of sitting with you or his spouse. If he declines to attend because he can't bear putting his children ahead of his love life then I'm sure your mom, one of your siblings, or the best man will be delighted to accompany you down the aisle. Remember, it is your marriage and your party. Unless your dad's spouse is a great friend of your groom, there is no reason to put her feelings ahead of your own.

Havaina · 19/11/2019 10:28

As you have no idea about the state of the OP's DF and DM marriage, what happened and when, and also what support the OP has given maybe its wise to keep your small minded prejudices to yourself.

This is OP’s AIBU, so why are you sticking your oar in? Sounds like you are an OW.

M3lon · 19/11/2019 10:29

top tables are shit.

Why not just have tables and ditch the unnecessary hiearchy that causes all this distress and difficulty?

We had a buffet at our weddding and DH and I circulated and sat with different groups of people so we could actually speak to the people we like rather than be looked at by them from afar....

Starlight39 · 19/11/2019 10:30

I'd confront it head on - speak to your Dad and give him the option of sitting with her at a different table or sitting without her on the top table. I wouldn't have her on the top table.

At my wedding, we didn't have a top table as such, just sat at a round table with the people we wanted on it (my parents, his mum, my best friend etc). It was more sociable and meant that it wasn't seen as a traditional top table so might avoid some issues as you can say "oh, we aren't having a top table".

micah · 19/11/2019 10:32

talk to your dad.

I'm a step mum. tbh it would be a massive relief not to be invited, I've never met sc mum and it would be a bit of a nightmare for me navigating all her relatives. Especially as I have the other way- she cheated on DH and treated him like crap, I've kept my gob shut all these years for the sake of the sc.

I would go if sc wanted me to, of course. But I'd appreciate being sat out the way so I could avoid awkwardness. That's just me though.

Please don't do what my cousin did though- sat her dad right at the back, left him out of the photos, if you didn't know you wouldn't have guessed he was her dad. I really felt for him- he paid for private school, uni, and huge amounts of CM, and was always there for her. His new wife was also fuming- she said she'd rather not have been invited than so obviously treated like crap.

Gemma2019 · 19/11/2019 10:34

No way should you put the woman who had an affair with your dad at the top table with your mum! I wouldn't even invite her - if your dad is upset then tough shit. Let your mum have a stress free day. He wasn't too concerned about anyone else's feelings when he had his affair.

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