Step mother at my wedding

[Bareres]

So I'm not terribly fond of my dad's wife (SM), she is very judgemental and everything has to be about her. However she makes my dad happy and we dont see her very much (they live far away) so all fine and I make an effort to be friendly when we do see her.

DP and I are getting married. In all honesty I dont want her there. She will be sniffy about the food and (apart from my siblings who also are not too fond of her) she wont know anyone there. Also there is the issue of my DM (who is lovely and always puts everyone else's feelings ahead of her own). They have never met and I know DM will not relish the thought of being in a room with the woman who my dad had an affair with and left her for. She would never ever say that though.

So really I have to invite her or my dad would be really sad as he has no idea we dont like her. What do I do with her though? It's a big wedding and we will have a top table. I was thinking of just having our parents and bridal party on the top table and seating her at another table with people like our siblings on it so shes not just shoved at the back somewhere. Shes been dropping hints about seating but I have just brushed her off as I dont feel that I want to give her the opportunity to whinge in my dad's ear about where she is sitting. If she just turns up on the day and sees the seating plan she will have no opportunity to moan about it.

So basically AIBU to do this? Or am I being mean to her?

You don't have to sit her at the top table, especially as she was the OW - what a bonkers suggestion from a PP! She isnt joined at the hip to your dad, she'll survive at another table with relatives for the duration of the meal (2 hrs max). This is YOUR day, it's not about her.

Exactly. Put her at the top table, wtf?! No way! I'd be a real bitch and put her miles away.

We sat my dad's wife with my dad's brother and wife on a family table. Is there any such person you could sit her with? I think it's fairly normal to do this. You can tell her in advance but don't do it in person so if she has any sniffy comments she can make them to someone else.

We didn’t have a “top table”, we sat with the best man and bridesmaids (+ partners), each parent sat with their family (both sets of parents divorced). Worked really well.

SM here, not OW. If/when my DSC get married and are so kind as to invite me, I'll politely decline. The last thing I want to do is make their day about me - actually scrap that, the last thing I want to do is be in the same room as their mother.

I am a SM and when my DSD marries next year I will be on the top table.
However, I am very close to her and her brother and in fact their mother.
All 3 of us went when she was choosing her dress and we both have been involved in the wedding prep. Though my DSD has put me in my place when i have got too excited over the weeding lol!
I was not the OW and we see them a lot and we are close, I am their 3rd parent. I am very cognizant that her mother must feel included and be made a fuss of as well.
The difference is I did say to my DSD that if she felt it wasn't right then I was happy to go where they want.
Given what you have said, I think it is fine to put her on another table. In the end it is your wedding and it is important that you have what you want.

At my dsd's wedding I sat with her sister's husband (her sister was on top table too) and other members of dh's family on the closest table to them. I would have absolutely hated to be on the top table knowing that most of the people there would wonder why, and possibly assume it's because I'd insisted.

I think you have to invite her, but not sit her at the top table.

@Bareres you are being very fair to her considering the situation. You would be completely within your rights to not invite her so your Mum (and everyone else) can feel relaxed.

My Mum has an affair and left my Dad for someone my own age who I can’t stand. I made it clear to my Mum I wanted her at the wedding but not her partner. It would have been too upsetting for Dad. It was 8 years ago but he’s still very emotional about it. Sadly my Mum refused to come to the wedding. It nearly broke my heart but it said a lot about her that she would rather miss her daughters wedding for the sake of him. If you have a good relationship with your Dad he will respect your wishes whatever they are. It’s your wedding and should be as stress free as possible. Good luck! Xx

My sister wanted a top table
Mum sister sister dad bride husband best man & mil

She then had a table near the top table that had step dad and step siblings nan & another table the other side with step mum nan & extended family - was the only fair way to make it work !

I always think your day = your way. Being brutal but she’s just some woman who your dad is married to, so she shouldn’t have any input to the wedding. Sit her where you want, she will need to suck it up

I had a similar issue, with my family and my sister in laws husband who is acerbic at best, but my get around was to have our parents, ourselves, MoH and best man on the top table. Then I gave everyone else close to us a “table” so I could seat my brother on the other side of the room to my sister in laws husband. I could also effectively seat people like my grandad (who is likely to get upset at the comments the husband comes out with) with my cousin and my dads old army buddies so the people most likely to be offended by the horrible, caustic remarks at least had a breather. Essentially by telling my sister in laws husband I needed him to “host a table”’for us, I flattered his massive ego, gave him a role and a job to perform and kept him away from everyone else.

A friend I na similar situation and a very acrimonious divorce between her parents did invite the step mother and had her on a different table. She had her own kids there and she knew the paternal grandparents, so she did know a few people there, even though she wasn't well liked. The only noticeable difference was the my friend's mother walked her down the aisle, on the grounds that her father had buggered off when she was quite young and she had only seen him during school holidays. It made it easier for her mother to palate the step mother being there and her father accepted it as the compromise for having his wife there.

I agree with those who say she shouldn't be on the top table. It would be a real slap in the face for your mother to have her sit on the top table. Does she not know your dad's side of the family? Are they invited? If your siblings don't like her I wouldn't be inclined to seat her with them either. TBH I don't think I'd invite her at all but if you feel you have to, don't get into any conversation about seating at all. You will have a list up on the day and she can sit where you bloody well tell her.

I always find splitting couples completely ridiculous - not sitting them next to each other is normal, but at different tables? What's the point of that.

Everybody should have a good time!

Everyone except the bride's mother. And the bride. @DontbeaBabs

SM here, not OW. If/when my DSC get married and are so kind as to invite me, I'll politely decline. The last thing I want to do is make their day about me - actually scrap that, the last thing I want to do is be in the same room as their mother

Same here. But as much as I’d like to politely decline, I worry that would cause just as much fuss, be interpreted as me snubbing the dsc etc...

plus dh would want me there as his family are still very close to her as they would rather turn a blind eye to what she did than risk her cutting off the grandkids...

It’s normal for brides/grooms with separated parents to have actual parents on the top table and step parents/parents partners seated elsewhere. Bride’s mum and dad sit nowhere near each other in the traditional arrangement so exes aren’t together.

However, I wouldn’t put her down the back of the room or hide her in anyway - ideally you would put her on the table nearest to your dad, so it doesn’t seem like you are trying to split them up beyond the inevitable!

Not RTFT so apologies if you’ve read similar a million times. One thing you might want to consider is giving your step mum a secret ‘minder’, a sibling or trusted frIend who can stay nearby and keep stepmum occupied.

I had to do this at my sister’s wedding, especially at night when some of my mum’s relatives got a bit drunk and wanted to have words with my dad’s partner (who was the other woman a decade or so before)!

Families can be awkward and you don’t; need to be dealing with stuff like this on your wedding day - better to have an advance plan in place!

*You don't have to sit her at the top table, especially as she was the OW - what a bonkers suggestion from a PP! She isnt joined at the hip to your dad, she'll survive at another table with relatives for the duration of the meal (2 hrs max). This is YOUR day, it's not about her.

Exactly. Put her at the top table, wtf?! No way! I'd be a real bitch and put her miles away.*

Surely in that case you'd place the father miles away as well then? Seeing as he had the affair and caused this.

saraclara
why should either the bride or her mum not have a good time?

There's a lot of projection on this thread, the new wive has to be "punished", but the father who is the one who cheated is fine...

As above, top table without couples are shit in any circumstances anyway, there are so many better way to organise the wedding breakfast.

The very most you should do is seat her on the table with your siblings. She’s not your parent so has no place on the top table and especially as she was the OW. That would be so humiliating for you mum.

How long ago was the affair?

In this situation I'd put my mother's feelings way above those of a sexually incontinent father and some random woman. EIther don't invite her at all or let her sit with other less important guests.

I don't like seperating couples at formal dinners. But then again I also don't like having ex-partners having to sit together. So I'd do the whole no parents at all on the 'top table'. I like the round table idea pitched on page 1 where it's Bride and Groom plus best man/bridesmaid plus partners, then your dad and SM can hold court over some distant relatives. Your mum gets to sit with people she actually likes, everybody has a nice time!

Bridal party at the top table, mum and siblings on another, dad and SM on another. Done. Explain to your mum that your not having parents at the top table to make sure that she doesn't feel offended.

You really don't have to stick to tradition!

Do you have to have a top table. We had round tables for all - bridal party included with key family members hosting each table.

DH and me with bridesmaids and their partners, best man and his wife.

DM hosted a table with her sister and friends.

FIL sat with his family members

MIL (divorced from FIL) with her family members

My father and his bike wife weren't invited at all, but I've not spoken to them in years.

Another post and run?

Even if being traditional the SM wouldn't have a place a the top table as the parent couples don't sit next to each other.

Our extended family is very large with several divorces, I've never seen a SM at the top table. With one exception, everyone gets on and is very good natured in public whatever private feelings they have, pretty much like the OP.

Fuck his feelings for once and put your mum first

Please consider your dm, why are you considerate of your dad's feelings, but not your dm's because she behaves nicely?

She isn't vocal about this, but being sat with the ow is just a slap in the face.