Step mother at my wedding

[Bareres]

So I'm not terribly fond of my dad's wife (SM), she is very judgemental and everything has to be about her. However she makes my dad happy and we dont see her very much (they live far away) so all fine and I make an effort to be friendly when we do see her.

DP and I are getting married. In all honesty I dont want her there. She will be sniffy about the food and (apart from my siblings who also are not too fond of her) she wont know anyone there. Also there is the issue of my DM (who is lovely and always puts everyone else's feelings ahead of her own). They have never met and I know DM will not relish the thought of being in a room with the woman who my dad had an affair with and left her for. She would never ever say that though.

So really I have to invite her or my dad would be really sad as he has no idea we dont like her. What do I do with her though? It's a big wedding and we will have a top table. I was thinking of just having our parents and bridal party on the top table and seating her at another table with people like our siblings on it so shes not just shoved at the back somewhere. Shes been dropping hints about seating but I have just brushed her off as I dont feel that I want to give her the opportunity to whinge in my dad's ear about where she is sitting. If she just turns up on the day and sees the seating plan she will have no opportunity to moan about it.

So basically AIBU to do this? Or am I being mean to her?

put her next to your dad. Anything else if very pointed and quite rude.

No it isn't. This is about the bride and groom's day, and to a lesser extent, their parents'. I know my daughter's wedding was a big emotional deal for me.

To expect the bride's mum to have to share a table with the other woman, is frankly TERRIBLY rude and unkind.
The step mother should be very happy that she's invited at all. To expect to sit at the same table as the bride and her parents is entirely unreasonable.

Sit her at a table so shitty that she might decide not to come because she feels slighted.

Please consider your dm's feelings when determining where your sm will sit.

Don't make that lovely woman who always puts the feelings of others before her own swallow the bitter pill of sitting at your top table with a woman who's done nothing but cause her grief.

Seat sm away from your siblings; add her to a table of ancient aunts/cousins or minor relatives. Make it clear in advance that she won't be sitting in any pride of place and, if she protests to you direct or through your df,, state that you'll understand if she doesn't want to attend, or attends after the meal in which case she's not invited to observe the ceremony which may be the best solution all round.

You can't please everyone and are best advised to put your mum's feelings first and if that means your df takes umbrage and doesn't attend, so be it.

top tables are shit.

absolutely agree!

It’s COMPLETELY fair to separate her from your Dad! First, he cheated and this is one of the consequences of that. Second, she knew she was 50% the reason for the breakdown of a marriage, hurting his then wife and their children. And third, it’s your wedding! YANBU at all. Put her with your siblings and forget about her. How cheeky is she that she thinks you would even consider putting her at the top table

You don't have to have her at your top table and you don't need to sit her with your dad.

She's a grown woman - she can manage 2 hours without being by his side.

I always find splitting couples completely ridiculous - not sitting them next to each other is normal, but at different tables? What's the point of that.

Everybody should have a good time!

I feel for you - when I was in similar I had parents ‘host’ tables as I knew it would get awkward - ex mil was a difficult woman and it would have been her causing the issues!
Now in a different relationship and if my partners children (I came into their lives as adults, we have a good relationship without referring to me as SM) were to marry the last place I would expect to sit is a top table (and no, the relationship between mum and dad broke down years before me). That is for the bride and groom and their choices, and tbh I would much prefer to be at a guest table

If my dad had done this to my lovely mum I bloody wouldn't invite her. It's your day, nobody else's. Do what you want.Why should your mum have to feel uncomfortable just to appease him?

Just tell him you really want him to be there but she's not invited as you're not going to hurt your mum or make her feel uncomfortable all day.

As far as seating arrangements go I thought it was traditional that the bride's mother sits with the groom's father and vice versa so your stepmother has no place on the top table in any case.

I'm not sure I'd want to invite somebody so judgmental to my wedding anyway.

I didn't invite my dad's wife to my wedding, even though I do actually like her. It's a similar situation as you in that my dad had an affair with her (20 years ago) which resulted in the break up of my parents marriage. My DM is still very hurt by it all and has never met anyone else so I felt it would be disrespectful to her for my dad to have his wife there and my mum on her own. It was awkward at the invite stage but as my dad's wife is actually a nice person (despite what went down 20 years ago) she understood our reasons when we explained them. My dad wasn't happy but in the end it was a lovely day and no awkwardness and my parents actually got on really well. It would have been excruciatingly awkward if his wife had been there. Your wedding, up to you who you invite. If I didn't like my dad's wife (never refer to her as my step mum as she had nothing to do with my upbringing) then it would have been really really easy for me not to invite her.

you don't have to invite her, in fact you are doing your mum a disservice by inviting her.
She isn't a member of your family, she's your dad's wife, your mum should come first.

If it was my wedding I would not be inviting her full stop.

We had a top table with bridesmaids and best man. Then two 'VIP' tables with two sets of parents on each with immediate family members. So on one table there was my mum, stepdad, FIL and StepMIL. And on the other my dad, Stepmum, MIL and StepFIL. Before the speeches my dad swapped places with a bridesmaid and did his speech from the top table.

I don't think you can't invite her though. That would be like your dad not inviting DH to their wedding.

totally agree with pipnchops

She was the OW

No, I wouldn't have her there. Your Dad has no idea you don't like her? REALLY?!

I am sure you're far too nice to actually do this but I'd have no problem with telling him that you don't intend to invite her as it would be awkward for her to be gossiped about by all the people who know the background and that she was the other woman, and it would be awkward for your mum for VERY obvious reasons as well as the fact she's never even met her. And sorry but your mum is your priority.

At best it would be an evening invite only - if necessary for both of them.

Your poor mum though - she will not be as ok with this as she will insist (as she's clearly a nice gentle woman). Prioritise her. Sounds like your dad has had his way and wrecked enough, don't you think?

OP how long have they been together?

Because people are saying don't invite her but if your dad thinks you have a decent relationship with her that would devastate him and cause a massive family fallout.

People need to accept the fact that yes he cheated but she is (as far as they're both aware) part of the family now.

That doesn't mean she gets the same rights as OP's mom but it would be an awful thing to do to completely not invite her at all.

OP,

I definitely wouldn't have her near the top table.

You can give your father the choice of the top table, or he can sit with his wife at another table with other guests.

Place your mother where she is most comfortable, with your other siblings.

Definitely put your mother's comfort ahead of your father's.

Just like he did!

Just do the traditional top table which is

Grooms Father, Brides Mother, Groom, Bride, Brides Father, Grooms Mother. The rest of the top table are Best Man and Chief Bridesmaid and rest of wedding party.

Spare people like Best Man's partner, Chief Bridesmaids partner are usually with other friends.

Siblings and step parents are usually on another table near to the top table.

She doesn't get a place at the top table and that is perfectly normal and acceptable. It definitely doesn't matter that she doesn't sit with a partner, there are always loose people flapping around at weddings due to the nature of some people being in the main wedding party.

Oh, and if your father questions you, you can tell him that you are putting what you want first on YOUR wedding day.

Just like he put himself first.

In a traditional wedding scenario, the parents of the bride don't sit next to each other anyway. Brides mother would go next to groom's father, I think.
In that model, the only couple sitting next to each other are the bride and groom.
Stepmother doesn't need to sit next to father,maybe she could be sat with some of father's relatives?

And... it IS disrespectful to your mum, you know.

I would really think about the way this is going to play out and whether you'll really regret it.

She's the judgy all about me type, you think she's going to have the grace and self-awareness to keep appropriately in the background? No, she'll be right in there, with people raising an eyebrow and pitying your mum for being put in the position of having her there in the first place. And it's you they'll blame for that. Anyone that knows the background will have their toes curling.

And with your mum being a passive type, it will be left up to YOU to intervene when your pushy cheat dad is propelling his pushy snotty wife to the foreground of YOU wedding photos and your mum says nothing. You want to be put in the position yourself of having to make that scene? The meal and seating is just the tip of the iceberg.

I would really think about whether it will end up being an unpleasant day for both you and your mum. Hint: your dad won't give a shit.

For your dads sake, you need to invite her AND seat them together. Anything else will cause so much trouble it won’t be worth It.

Whatever you think of how they got together, being publicly rude to her won’t go down well. Are you planning to separate all the other couples at the wedding who got together in ways you don’t approve of ? No I thought not.

If you hate her that much, I’d avoid having her AND your dad at the top table. Either have no “ top table “ at all , or just have the B and G , bridesmaids and best men.

Have the various parents host tables for their friends/ family.

Please don’t use your wedding day to make a statement about your dad’s affair. If you want to do that, have words with him another time.

Remember that you dad is the one who cheated on your mom, not her.

My teen asked me what would happen if she marries in the future as my exH is with OW/SM. She does not like SM as SM makes very little effort to get to know and include her, but she loves her dad. She wondered how we could all be together.

I said that if she gets married it will be a cause of celebration and primarily about the couple. I think your mum will feel very strongly that your needs come first and would not want you to worry about her over what you really want.

Having said that, if it's important to you that your mum is on the top table then have her there, and your dad and SM can sit with siblings. Your dad could give you away - so he has a role. I went to a wedding where the mum gave her DD away and sat on the top table. Dad and SM sat with in-laws family as other tables mixed. No one said anything it was known the DD is closer to her mum.

At my sister's wedding, she had our dad at the top table and a spare chair next to step-mum so dad could switch between them. Also invited step-sis and her DH, so SM wouldn't have been alone anyway.

I don’t think you can have a traditional top table if you don’t have a traditional family to seat there. Doesn’t work.

Also, unless he’s blind or deaf, your dad does know you don’t like the step mother. He just doesn’t care. Banking on you and your siblings being just like his ex wife and very worried and careful about other people’s (his) feelings.