Step mother at my wedding

[Bareres]

So I'm not terribly fond of my dad's wife (SM), she is very judgemental and everything has to be about her. However she makes my dad happy and we dont see her very much (they live far away) so all fine and I make an effort to be friendly when we do see her.

DP and I are getting married. In all honesty I dont want her there. She will be sniffy about the food and (apart from my siblings who also are not too fond of her) she wont know anyone there. Also there is the issue of my DM (who is lovely and always puts everyone else's feelings ahead of her own). They have never met and I know DM will not relish the thought of being in a room with the woman who my dad had an affair with and left her for. She would never ever say that though.

So really I have to invite her or my dad would be really sad as he has no idea we dont like her. What do I do with her though? It's a big wedding and we will have a top table. I was thinking of just having our parents and bridal party on the top table and seating her at another table with people like our siblings on it so shes not just shoved at the back somewhere. Shes been dropping hints about seating but I have just brushed her off as I dont feel that I want to give her the opportunity to whinge in my dad's ear about where she is sitting. If she just turns up on the day and sees the seating plan she will have no opportunity to moan about it.

So basically AIBU to do this? Or am I being mean to her?

[Greencustard]

I think it's really shitty to separate her from everybody she knows. She's your dad's wife, not a casual fling

Since when was it a thing that step-parents are automatically put at the top table? I'm a step-mother and would never, ever expect to be at the top table when DSC get married. In fact, I don't know of any step-parents who were sat at the top table.

[Roundtoedshoes]

I think you need to speak with your dad about this.
Be honest and say that you understand she is his
partner now, but DM’s feelings come first as the MOTB.

It’s gracious of you to invite her to the wedding at all. Time is not a healer for all, especially if the OW is unpleasant to boot. Your Dad surely must expect that she isn’t number one on your Christmas card list!

Anyone that can’t sit without their partner for a couple of hours is a bit pathetic IMHO. Be assertive now and save yourself anxiety and grief on the day (if that’s possible).

[GCAcademic]

For your dads sake, you need to invite her AND seat them together. Anything else will cause so much trouble it won’t be worth It.

Rubbish. Why is the dad the one who has to be prioritised here, on the OP's wedding day? It's perfectly normal to split up couples when one of them is part of the wedding party and the other isn't. The last wedding I went to, my DH was the best man. He sat on the top table, I sat with other people (and, in fact, they were strangers to me). He survived sitting next to his best friend without me, I got to chat to some new people. It was only a couple of hours. People are so bloody precious and seemingly unwilling to talk to anyone other than their immediate partner.

[AtillatheHun]

I'd go with what you and your mother feel comfortable with, even if that means not having her there at all.
This is going to be complicated if you're taking your dad's money to pay for the wedding however.

[DontbeaBabs]

Greencustard

I don't know, but I haven't been to many weddings with a so-called traditional "top table", they look awful

In most weddings I have been to, (and mine!) couples were seated together - and kids at the kids tables. Much less politics and drama about step or in-laws.

It's clearly the norm for some people to have a line with so-called "important people", but not for everybody thank goodness!

[Slappadabass]

I definitely would not sit her at the top table as others suggested, the woman that had an affair behind your mums back, it would be like a kick in the teeth for your mum!


Sitting her on the sibling table, or just not inviting her to save your mum's feeling is the best bet. Tough titties if her and your dad aren't happy, if they didn't want family conflict they should have thought about that before having a affair and breaking up a family.


Reasons like this is why we are eloping next year, so much easier!

[DontbeaBabs]

sat with other people (and, in fact, they were strangers to me). He survived sitting next to his best friend without me, I got to chat to some new people. It was only a couple of hours. People are so bloody precious and seemingly unwilling to talk to anyone other than their immediate partner.

what's the point? It's supposed to be a party, and people to have a good time. I have never been separated from DH when him or me were best man or bridesmaid. You can chat with new people without being sitted separately. Everybody enjoys themselves a lot more when they are not left like a lemon with strangers.

The point of a wedding is not for guests to "survive and suck it up", it's for them to enjoy it...No one cares about your dress or the flowers, but guests remember if they had a good time or not.

[Magicpaintbrush]

So this woman was the OW your Dad was having an affair with and left your mum for? And you say your mum is a lovely caring person? You need to put your mum first! Don't invite the SM. You don't like her and don't really want her there anyway. Imagine how your mum will feel if she is there - it's probably awkward enough for her being around your Dad after what he did, but having the OW there as a guest? No fucking way. Your Dad did the dirty here and I think it's tough shit basically. You need to be in your mum's corner in this situation.

[TatianaLarina]

I’m surprised at these replies. I’m usually a stickler for good form but in this situation I would totally prioritise your mum. If she’d feel uncomfortable with SM there, then don’t invite her. I wouldn’t want to ruin my mum’s enjoyment of my wedding or make her feel she had to stiff it out for me.

I also wouldn’t consider holding back my and my siblings opinion of SM from your father. He’d be hurt eh? Imagine how hurt your mum was. Stop protecting your dad. It’s time he grew up and faced the music.

[Notgoodatchoosingnames]

I'm a (hopefully D)SM and am very close to my DSD but I wouldn't expect to be on the top table. She has her own DM.
Though my DH and his exW really hate each other so I do dread the day and will do everything in my power to help DSD have the best day without her DP's spoiling it!!

[tillytrotter1]

I think you should sit her at your top table,

I disagree, I got constant grief at our daughter's wedding from her new father in law because his wife wasn't seated at the top table, 'In this day and age............' etc etc. but as I pointed out , In this day and age........ it could require a very long top table to accommodate parents, steps etc. I didn't say what I reallythought, she was seated with our friends and would be having a far better time than I was!!!

[Maybe83]

No way should she be at the top table I'm a step mam and my dd has a step dad.

At his wedding there could 4 parents from his side alone if that was the case.

I would invite her though even though it's a difficult situation and do the top table as parents only to limit the awkwardness for your mam.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

My advice - sit her wherever the hell you want. It's your wedding day. Your Dad can sit at the top table because he is your father. Your mother can sit at the top table because she is your mother. This woman can sit at any other table because she is only something to your father and nothing to you (based on what you've posted in your opening post).
I would try and sit her somewhere in the middle (not necessarily in your direct line of sight) so that she is with family/relatives of yours but I wouldn't be going out of my way to accommodate her.
I would also let the venue know that she is not to be seated at the top table, on the off chance that she kicks off on the day.
I quite like the idea of having you and your new husband and the bridal party (groomsmen and their partners and bridesmaids and their partners) at the top table and then have parents to have tables either side of the top table but away from it so your mum would have one table and your dad (and SM) would be at another table but neither would be at the top table.
You have an opportunity to shake things up a bit to suit you!

[beethebee]

My mum was the SM at a wedding. Her DH, (bride’s father) of course was at the top table, as was the MOB (not sitting together). My mum sat at another table with some fun family friends who she knew.

It worked well, nobody was upset at all. No drama.

[tisonlymeagain]

Easiest thing to do here would be to ditch the top table? I think it's terribly outdated anyway.

At my wedding I didn't want to be sat with my parents or his! So we just had round tables. We sat on one with our best friends which was far more enjoyable and then seated our respective parents with their respective friends and family. I think everyone had a far better time because of it!

[billy1966]

@FizzyGreenWater

Lots of good points there👍

OP, definitely speak to your Mum about how she feels.

Really, your father has proven himself to be about himself.

Choices have consequences.
These are some for him.

He and his OW are definitely not the priority.

Reflecting on what Fizzy has written, also give some thought to the photos.

You could have one taken with father and his wife if she's there, but I certainly wouldn't be putting a photo of them into your formal album.

I also most certainly wouldn't have her in the family photos.

Your mother is absolutely the priority here, comfort wise.

I wouldn't hesitate to let your father be very clear on that point.

💐

[Aderyn19]

I think that if you help break up a family, you are entitled to no consideration from the children of that family.
I'd be a bit more honest with my dad tbh - my mum would be my priority and I would not put her in a position where she might not enjoy my wedding.
So, I'd probably not invite her at all. But you sound more forgiving than me so in your shoes, I'd give my dad the option of sitting at top table or with her on a different table.
Let him feel some consequences too.

[OrangeZog]

It’s your wedding and it’s perfectly ok to do the plans however best suit you. Having your SM on a table with your other siblings, like you’ve suggested is probably what I would go for. The top table is traditionally for parents and she isn’t your parent nor has she brought you up so I don’t see why or how she could or should expect to sit there.

You could try putting her on a different table altogether in the hope she declines to come and makes it easier for everyone. Whatever happens, I’d give your mum the heads up in advance as well so that she is prepared.

[DontbeaBabs]

I think that if you help break up a family, you are entitled to no consideration from the children of that family.

but it's interesting that the new wife is the only one being blamed, and not the father. He's the one who broke his vows and had an affair, no one knows what HER circumstances were, but she is the one who should be "punished".

[Grumpelstilskin]

Sorry but if this is about social etiquette why are you even prioritising your father’s feelings or that of the OW. As far as I am concerned, when it comes to what trumps proper decorum, sticking your dick into another woman when married definitely isn’t high on the list. So, your father should feel extremely lucky that you even invite him. This is your day and then to a slightly lesser degree of your parents. This is not the day to worry about someone who was instrumental in breaking up your parents’ marriage. Your father should understand that it is bloody awkward for your DM and he has two choices, come alone or don’t come. Actions have consequences and when you break up a marriage there are far reaching knock-on effects, including family celebrations of the adult children. Why the hell should this special day be marred by his behaviour and everyone else has to feel uncomfortable.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I wouldn't risk hurting your mum's feelings, whatever she said, by having the OW on the top table. I think the nicest you should be is to invite her to the wedding at all, and even that might be too far for some people.

But no, she should't be on the top table at all. That position is reserved for your nearest and dearest. Your father should be given the choice of sitting at top table, as is his "right", or sitting with his wife on a different table. She gets no say - only he does.

Your mum of course will be on top table. And I don't agree with doing away with the top table entirely just to accommodate SM's potential feelings about it - fuck that!

You've had some nice responses from reasonable SMs on this thread - but from what you've said you've literally no reason to expect that your own SM would behave in a civilised fashion - she'd expect it all to be about her, so knock that on the head right off.

Of course, she may be so offended that she's not on top table that she chooses not to come at all - winning! - but then your Dad might feel he has to not come either, which would pretty much tell you all you need to know about your standing in the family in comparison with SM.

So my vote is - invite them both, tell your Dad ahead of time that you want him on top table but not her because of your mum's feelings, so he can choose if he sits on top table without her or not on top table but with her (and make it clear that you will NOT have her on top table) and sit back and wait for the fall out.

[Cloverbeauty]

I wouldn't invite her either. She sounds rude and horrible regardless, and even though it is ultimately your dad's fault for the affair, she didn't have to spread her legs did she? No one forced her. I wouldn't invite her on the rudeness alone to be honest though, the affair is the nail in the coffin.

I wouldn't invite her and tell your dad the invite is for him only. She does not come.

[MammaToBe2019]

When my brother got married a few years ago, my dads fiancé was not seated at the top table as she is not one of his parents or the brides parents. She was sat with people she knew on my dads side of the family, she wasn't too impressed and wouldn't even let my dad be in any pictures with our mum (even though my parents had been separated since 1996!) The top table consisted of my parents, the brides parents, the best man and the maid of honour.

[DontbeaBabs]

I think it's terribly outdated anyway.

At my wedding I didn't want to be sat with my parents or his! So we just had round tables. We sat on one with our best friends which was far more enjoyable and then seated our respective parents with their respective friends and family. I think everyone had a far better time because of it!

could not agree more!

[SweetEnough]

I have 2 sdc, it's a long way off but I wouldn't want to be invited to their weddings, it's their day with their parents.

I'd speak to your dad, you don't see them that often and it's your day. I'd just invite him.