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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to ditch a group of friends due to their views?

242 replies

FriendDilemmas · 18/11/2019 19:29

I've NC for this.

Three years ago we moved to a new area about 30 miles away from where we used to live. I've never been comfortable making new friends and moving away from my hometown made this even harder.

I met a group of mums at school when DS started in reception this September. None of us knew each other before school which is ideal for me as I've always struggled trying to fit in with established groups (at work, previously at school with older DD). We hit it off and have been out together a few times and it's been great. I have been really lonely and miserable for three years having absolutely no social life or friends that I see regularly, even just for a chat.

Anyway, we all met up at one of their houses (let's call her Steph) this weekend just gone for a meal and a few drinks. We were just chatting casually and Steph brought up Brexit and politics. All three of the girls suddenly turned very nasty (well, seemed that way to me) saying how Brexit needed to be done, the borders needed closing, sick of all the immigrants, Steph's DS is in high school and she said it was like 'spot the white kid' there.

I was beyond shocked. I did not expect them to have these kinds of views and it has never come up before. I respect other people's political views and do enjoy a good debate but these comments were racist and nasty and I'm not sure I can be friends with people like this.

Spoke to DH and although equally shocked, he does not think I should just ditch them based on this. I think he has seen me so depressed and lonely and was so happy I'd found a good group of friends that I got one with that he thinks I should just let it go. But I can't. We have so many other things in common and have such a laugh together and I have literally no other friends, but I'm not sure I can forget this stuff was said.

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
Autumntoowet · 19/11/2019 07:04

Being against massive immigration doesn't mean you are automatically white.
Oh please @coolwalking stop making excuses for these people
Nobody says “it is like spot the white kid there” if they don’t have some serious racist views of the world.

RedSheep73 · 19/11/2019 07:09

How can people with views like that be good people? and why would you want to hang out with bad people? they can't be good friends with anyobe if they are filled with hate.

Autumntoowet · 19/11/2019 07:11

To all those saying that OP should stick with these friends and accept people have different political views, a few things.

These people might have different political views, that is one thing. You can have these and be a respectful and sensible person.
These people are openly racist and xenophobic. Those comments and jokes??
If you are not part of the solution then you are part of the problem.
Turning a blind eye to racism, xenophobia, homophobia, bullying... is as bad as joining them. You are allowing this horrible culture to continue. Not for me.

OP I would be your friend and I can guarantee that you will find a friend that shares the same morals.

People here always saying LTB, don’t settle etc.

Don’t settle for a group of friends like that.

Rather alone than contributing to the pain and injustice.

Lovemusic33 · 19/11/2019 07:41

I have a friend who is the opposite to me when it comes to politics, she’s also racist (says she would never go out with a foreign guy and says they should all go home), this shocks me as she works in a industry that is help together by foreign workers. Anyway, I am still friends with her but I only see her a couple times a year and I try not to mention politics, I do get annoyed if she brings it up and I do pull her up on being racist.

KenDodd · 19/11/2019 09:04

I'm so, so glad I voted Remain. Already I seem to be on the right side of history and I'm not standing with and enabling racists (even if I wasn't racist myself, had I voted Leave I would be contributing to a racist agenda). My vote has not threatened the peace in NI or taken rights away from my children. In the years to come I can say none of this is my fault, I didn't vote for it.

Damntheman · 19/11/2019 09:05

I couldn't be friends with racists and xenophobes like that. Disgusting comments! Just no.. you don't want that shit to rub off on your kids if they end up spending time around these friends of yours. Nope, there's a line and that's pretty far past it.

PenelopeFlintstone · 19/11/2019 09:12

I’m with your DP. Do all the things that people often suggest to make new friends, but keep these ones till then. You don’t want your life to go back to how it was.

Gallivespian · 19/11/2019 09:32

Do all the things that people often suggest to make new friends, but keep these ones till then. You don’t want your life to go back to how it was.

Yeah, keep the racist xenophobes as interim friends. Because hanging out with people who appear to think that Brexit will involve magically whitening the country is so much better than solitude.

PenelopeFlintstone · 19/11/2019 10:14

I have been really lonely and miserable for three years having absolutely no social life or friends that I see regularly, even just for a chat.
Up to you, PP, but I wouldn’t wish this on her again.

PenelopeFlintstone · 19/11/2019 10:15

You say solitude; she says depressed, lonely and miserable.

UnrelentingFruitScoffer · 19/11/2019 10:18

Friendship isn’t really about politics and most people’s political views are between mildly bonkers and uninformed.

So on the while perhaps just better to avoid political subjects with these people because you disagree with them ?

TatianaLarina · 19/11/2019 10:23

Racism isn’t politics.

Cheeseandwin5 · 19/11/2019 10:40

difficult one- Whilst I agree people should have their own opinions hopefully after speaking to you they may change theirs or at least be better informed.
Saying that if I my DH had a friend who was a racist or sexist and he said well apart from that he is great, I wouldn't be at all happy.

MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 19/11/2019 11:16

Hi all,
We're just posting to say that we've had many reports about the tone and direction of this thread, we have made several deletions, and we'd like to enlist your help to keep things on track.
This type of discussion can attract subtly racist posts, which we delete.
If you see anything which breaks the talk guidelines, please do report and we'll take action. We want the conversation to flow, of course, but where we think any poster is being disingenuous we need to act.

CravingCheese · 19/11/2019 11:50

Spot the white kid is imo a clearly racist or at least extremely loaded comment.

somebody with that kind of mindest voting for Brexit is however rather... unreasonable imo. (seeing as the vast majority of non-white immigrants is unlikely to come from Europe.) which probably means that they're racist and ignorant. Not a particularly great combination.

I'd try to find new friends and decrease contact with that particular group...

monkeyplanet · 19/11/2019 12:22

Lovely to see racism being minimised to a "political view". I'm sure you also think when the people targeted by these racist comments are also "pulling the race card", "imagining it"', "overly sensitive", "making everything about race" when they point it out. It's almost an abusive relationship, constantly being gaslit, people saying and doing racist things then insisting you are the problem and they couldn't possibly be racist. Yeah right

Vanhi · 19/11/2019 12:33

a) friends
b) to feel in the right or whatever you'd gain from losing your friends.

That's a false dichotomy. You don't have to choose between no friends and friends with abhorrent views. There are kind, decent people out there you can choose to be friends with.

I voted remain. I have friends who voted against the EU and who have some fairly sensible arguments against the organisation. I disagree with them but they're sensible. I have acquaintances who have expressed racist views but I avoid friendships with them and try to challenge the things they say.

The closer my friends are, the more politically and socially aligned we are. I do however think it's a good idea to be friends with people of different views as difference should be encouraged and celebrated. But racist views? No. If you're not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

tympanic · 19/11/2019 12:52

Ugh. It’s like a kick in the guts isn’t it, OP. When someone I know lets fly with sexist, racist, classist etc comments I’m really taken aback. I realise it’s a really narrow-minded thing to say, but I tens to just assume they would have similar views to me about discrimination so it’s a real shock to the system to hear.

I think you know you want to ditch them. I know it’s hard to knock a heap of friends off at once, but you will have plenty of quality friends you can talk to who won’t say things that will hit you like those shitty comments have.

Bin them off and don’t look back. I’ve never regretted binning off friends for reasons such as this.

Thatagain · 19/11/2019 15:37

No don't ditch them! When alcohol is involved people can be easy with words. As for racism or political. It's definitely political i have lighthearted conversations with dp like this as he is 100000000pc white and I am of mixed race I can deal with it and I am here becouse of the British government as they employed my dgd so not my doing. You sometimes just have to listen to people's opinions wether we like it or not. That is all it is an opinion. I would also like for Brexit to hurry up as it's gone on a long time. Some people in this country have not had the choice to be here. Like I did not get the choice to be born! Also the uk is struggling with the nhs and lack of good education ie how can 1 teacher and 1 supply teacher teach 35 pupils in a way they will all get the same knowledge? So we should be able to say enough is enough without being persecuted.

Peoplenstuff · 19/11/2019 16:00

Nothing wrong with thinking Brexit just needs to get done. Most people think that. University tends to “educate” people into believing that certain opinions are right and certain opinions are wrong and that those with the right opinions are the morally superior ones. Do you feel morally superior to your friends? Perhaps your friends just weren’t indoctrinated at uni? Please don’t lose your friends, just learn to be tolerant.

Practicalmagico · 19/11/2019 16:02

I don’t think it’s racist. Wanting to have control over your borders isn’t racist. Saying ‘spot the white kid’ isn’t racist- it’s just saying that there’s not many white kids there.
You don’t need to act so ‘holier than thou’ OP.

Gallivespian · 19/11/2019 16:11

Gosh, the last few posts are by real knuckle-draggers. Keep away from university, everyone. It might 'indoctrinate' you into not being a racist xenophobe, along with your 2.1 in physics.

QueenBlueberries · 19/11/2019 16:17

This thread is very funny now. Racism is just ok and if you're against racism then you have been indoctrinated buy university dictators. Time to get the popcorn out and see where that goes down.

As to getting 'Brexit done', who have you been listening to? We have years and years and years of negotiating. Boris' magic wand may suit some of his mistresses but it's not going to solve our trading partnerships.

Blaming immigrants for issues with school and the NHS crisis when the Conservatives have been cutting and cutting and cutting their budgets for years. This is getting pretty hilarious.

JassyRadlett · 19/11/2019 16:22

I wouldn't want my kids to go to a school with loads of different religious nonsense being touted around as normal. Kids just want to be kids - they couldn't give a shit about 'culture'.

Do you withdraw them from the nativity in that case?

My kids are fascinated by other cultures and backgrounds, traditions and beliefs. Unfortunately I’ve been allocated a CofE school for them so no chance to try insulating them from ‘religious nonsense’ - but at least their friends of other faiths and none provide some balance.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/11/2019 16:25

Those of you suggesting OP should just overlook these morons' racist, uninformed malevolence because 'you can have friends you disagree with' - oh do come off it. There will be things you couldn't/wouldn't overlook even if you are a bigot about race yourself. Maybe you've got a gay sibling, so you'd be uncomfortable around homophobia. Maybe you are hugely opposed to recreational drug use, so you wouldn't want to be friends with people who take coke or ecstasy (even if they don't do it in front of you or offer you any). Maybe you're outraged by or scared of people who think the Royal Family are a bunch of parasitic cunts who ought to be pensioned off and not given another penny of our taxes.
People who whine on about 'not allowing politics to spoil friendships' are themselves spoilt in that they are not in danger from ignorant prejudice and nor is anyone they care about.