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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ditch a group of friends due to their views?

242 replies

FriendDilemmas · 18/11/2019 19:29

I've NC for this.

Three years ago we moved to a new area about 30 miles away from where we used to live. I've never been comfortable making new friends and moving away from my hometown made this even harder.

I met a group of mums at school when DS started in reception this September. None of us knew each other before school which is ideal for me as I've always struggled trying to fit in with established groups (at work, previously at school with older DD). We hit it off and have been out together a few times and it's been great. I have been really lonely and miserable for three years having absolutely no social life or friends that I see regularly, even just for a chat.

Anyway, we all met up at one of their houses (let's call her Steph) this weekend just gone for a meal and a few drinks. We were just chatting casually and Steph brought up Brexit and politics. All three of the girls suddenly turned very nasty (well, seemed that way to me) saying how Brexit needed to be done, the borders needed closing, sick of all the immigrants, Steph's DS is in high school and she said it was like 'spot the white kid' there.

I was beyond shocked. I did not expect them to have these kinds of views and it has never come up before. I respect other people's political views and do enjoy a good debate but these comments were racist and nasty and I'm not sure I can be friends with people like this.

Spoke to DH and although equally shocked, he does not think I should just ditch them based on this. I think he has seen me so depressed and lonely and was so happy I'd found a good group of friends that I got one with that he thinks I should just let it go. But I can't. We have so many other things in common and have such a laugh together and I have literally no other friends, but I'm not sure I can forget this stuff was said.

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 18/11/2019 23:55

Re “ethnic” I’m starting to understand that a lot of people don’t know what to say and I don’t blame them for that. Like I said, I hate the label BME bit I do understand people are being asked to use it so they think it’s right.

coolwalking · 18/11/2019 23:57

@AutumnRose1 it's all gone too far. So much division and labels.

This is why multiculturalism doesn't work. BME is awful. It doesn't exactly make you feel part of society.

saraclara · 18/11/2019 23:57

No one got your joke apologies.

I did! And I'm bewildered that others didn't.

Dudewheresmyvan · 18/11/2019 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coolwalking · 19/11/2019 00:00

@saraclara is the joke that it's funny to hang out with the 'ethnics' because the white folks will get pissed off?

coolwalking · 19/11/2019 00:03

@Dudewheresmyvan my first point was that we wouldn't have such a racist problem if sensible debates about immigration had been allowed.

Now its tipped too far and this is the result

MonstranceClock · 19/11/2019 00:03

@Clearnightsky I got you too Grin

AutumnRose1 · 19/11/2019 00:05

“ BME is awful. It doesn't exactly make you feel part of society.”

Yes, I feel very “othered”.

I’m currently reading Douglas Murray on this subject, his book claims that terms like “Black British” or “British Asian” were supposed to help but it’s done the opposite I think. My late father started refusing to fill in all that data. Sadly he was in hospital a lot before he died, so there were a lot of forms.

Dudewheresmyvan · 19/11/2019 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clearnightsky · 19/11/2019 00:06

@monstrance thank goodness.

Apologies for any offence to any sector of society or any side of the Brexit debate or anyone and anything at all...

Life is too short I’m off to a join a silly thread or two. I don’t think my brain can take this one!

AutumnRose1 · 19/11/2019 00:06

“my first point was that we wouldn't have such a racist problem if sensible debates about immigration had been allowed.“

Oh this too!

Tbh I’ve not been brave enough to say it on MN because it’s just become such a scary topic.

I must go to bed. Good night, fellow humans!

TheClaws · 19/11/2019 00:09

I’ve had to distance myself from a family member for similar reasons. He is absurdly racist and holds opinions I simply cannot understand given our shared history. It does make life somewhat more complex to keep him at a distance, but it is necessary for my mental health.

I do sometimes feel there is a sector of society that doesn’t think too deeply beyond what is served by quick headline grabs, and this group in particular is being used for higher political gain. This is true across many countries at the moment, unfortunately.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/11/2019 00:12

I'm not sure you can have a 'sensible' debate about immigration, because the truth is that immigration is a good thing and should be completely unrestricted. There is no real justification for opposing the free movement of people all around the world.

ilovesooty · 19/11/2019 00:13

It's a bit of a shock when you think you've found new friends and you hear racist comments like that. Your instincts are that you don't feel comfortable in their company now and it sounds as though you've decided to follow that feeling.

DishingOutDone · 19/11/2019 00:14

They're not Brexiteers though are they? They weren't enjoying a debate over markets and the Irish backstop, espousing leaving the EU and airing their political views.

They were being racist.

Beveren · 19/11/2019 00:17

I think I'd stick with them and make it clear you'd rather not discuss politics again

I don't think this would work. Even if politics are totally avoided, inherent racism has a way of demonstrating itself in the course of day-to-day life: how would you feel if, for instance, they start jeering at people like waiters, sales people, or people in the street for the crime of belonging to an ethnic minority?

ginghambox · 19/11/2019 00:18

There is no real justification for opposing the free movement of people all around the world.
And you wonder why people might have a problem with that.

OldMotherHubbardsBigBottom · 19/11/2019 00:19

@FriendDilemmas I couldn't be friends with people like this either. I'd rather have no friends that racist ones. Those comments would kill any respect I had for them and this would mean the end of the friendships.

fastliving · 19/11/2019 00:29

I'm not racist and I couldn't hang around with people who were - I've got my standards

emojisarentwords · 19/11/2019 00:43

Definitely one of the worst kind of racists in my opinion. The ones who are friendly in our presence but as soon as our back is turned and/or after a drink or two it's a different story...

emojisarentwords · 19/11/2019 00:45

Not that there's a good kind of racist, but at least with some people you know what you're getting. Even though what you're getting is a disgusting, bigoted, slimeball.

helacells · 19/11/2019 02:43

I'm Black so yeah I say fuck that shit

malificent7 · 19/11/2019 05:31

Maybe justvtell them that they are raciat then backright off. I couldnt ve friends. Im white and most of my best mates are black/ mixed race as is dd.

malificent7 · 19/11/2019 05:32

Typos...again

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 19/11/2019 05:53

OP - sadly you've discovered that these are not your people. It's hard to be lonely but you can't compromise your principles. Surely your stomach does a little flip of revolt when you look back on that moment? I'm afraid you really have to stay away from them and I guess you know that now. There are other friends to be made out there Flowers