AIBU to ditch a group of friends due to their views?

[FriendDilemmas]

I've NC for this.

Three years ago we moved to a new area about 30 miles away from where we used to live. I've never been comfortable making new friends and moving away from my hometown made this even harder.

I met a group of mums at school when DS started in reception this September. None of us knew each other before school which is ideal for me as I've always struggled trying to fit in with established groups (at work, previously at school with older DD). We hit it off and have been out together a few times and it's been great. I have been really lonely and miserable for three years having absolutely no social life or friends that I see regularly, even just for a chat.

Anyway, we all met up at one of their houses (let's call her Steph) this weekend just gone for a meal and a few drinks. We were just chatting casually and Steph brought up Brexit and politics. All three of the girls suddenly turned very nasty (well, seemed that way to me) saying how Brexit needed to be done, the borders needed closing, sick of all the immigrants, Steph's DS is in high school and she said it was like 'spot the white kid' there.

I was beyond shocked. I did not expect them to have these kinds of views and it has never come up before. I respect other people's political views and do enjoy a good debate but these comments were racist and nasty and I'm not sure I can be friends with people like this.

Spoke to DH and although equally shocked, he does not think I should just ditch them based on this. I think he has seen me so depressed and lonely and was so happy I'd found a good group of friends that I got one with that he thinks I should just let it go. But I can't. We have so many other things in common and have such a laugh together and I have literally no other friends, but I'm not sure I can forget this stuff was said.

AIBU? WWYD?

[Gallivespian]

Racism is not an ‘opinion’.

[YouTheCat]

I couldn't be friends with people who are so clearly thick and racist. Even if we do leave the EU, there will still be immigration from the Commonwealth and elsewhere.

[dontcallmeduck]

I’m in a similar situation. I haven’t ended the friendship but rather than challenge I share my positive stories and try to educate. Granted the friends who make comments don’t do it in a nasty way more a ‘he was the only white kid in the class and I worried he’d feel left out’ or in worry what impact having so many new non-English speakers in the class is having as the teacher will be having to spend more time on them’.

[Livelovebehappy]

Nothing wrong with wanting Brexit to be done, and more control over our borders and immigration - all valid points of view and opinions, shared by many. But the boundary was crossed when ‘spot the white kid’ was said, as this comment does have racist connotations. Only you know whether you can maintain a friendship with someone who has such views. If it’s only down to Brexit and remain, then you are being unreasonable, as you should be tolerant of people who don’t necessarily share the same political outlook as you.

[CandyCaneLove]

What did they say that was racist? I think the "spot the white kid" comment is racist but wanting to get Brexit done and stop immigration isn't racist. If it was just the "spit the white kid" comment it wouldn't stop me being friends with them.

[ElizaStrawberry]

From experience, bin. I've binned so many people over similar issues. You'll be fine 🙂

[Autumntoowet]

“Spot the white kid?”

I would (and have) be stopping that friendship.
And I don’t have friends here in the new area I live and it is lonely.
But. Nope.
So I guess they have that kind of talk in front of the children too.
No thanks.

[AutumnRose1]

OP I dont mean this in a nasty way but how are you defining racism?

I’m not white. My family vary in their views on Brexit but one thing we can all agree on is that a Brexiteer is not necessarily racist and of course many non white people voted for Brexit.

Ironically I feel more the target of racism because the whole topic has turned into a battlefield and concerns about controls on immigration can be labelled racist. I’ve had a couple of white friends say to me that they don’t understand how a non white person could vote for Brexit and I find that comment a bit racist....

[saraclara]

My oldest friends have been coming out with stuff close to this in the last few years. I was horrified. These are people I've known for 40 years. I'm Godparent to their child, they supported us through my husband's illness and death, and have been caring and generous throughout our friendship.

I considered whether I could continue with the friendship, but having borne the above in mind, I decided to continue, but to always calmly and rationally state my own views. They have spent their entire lives in a very white area, and their son was a trainee police officer in a very multicultural town. Clearly his only interaction with people of other ethnicities was where they had broken the law, so consequently he'd tainted his parents' outlook too.

I worked almost entirely with people of other ethnicities, so every time my friends came out with something negative (let's say that immigrants are scroungers claiming benefits) I'd reply "that's not my experience. The people I come into contact with are exceptionally hard working" etc. And give examples.
Every time, with every comment, I'd start with "That's not my experience..." and keep super calm and super rational. And they took it well and appeared to listen.

I don't know if anything I said made any difference. But we're still friends, and at least I can tell myself that I've said my piece.

[FavouriteSoul]

I ditched a group of people I considered friends when they revealed themselves to be racist bigots. It was hard going for a while, but I felt I would rather have no friends than hang around with people like them. Try and broaden your social circle, you will make new friends, and they will be real friends, with whom you can have debates and differing opinions, but they won't have abhorrent views.

[FriendDilemmas]

@Livelovebehappy Yes I agree on the Brexit thing. Not my opinion personally, but a valid one. That was just where it started.

'Spot the white kid' wasn't the only racist comment made. Sniggering about mums wearing niqabs on the school run, talking about how if the uniforms got mixed up with 'one of theirs' you'd know as it'd smell of curry. Things like that.

Those are not opinions. They are racist comments.

[ymf117]

Disgusting, I'd expand circle and ditch tbh

It could be because of the drink and egging each other on, but who even thinks this never mind says it, disgusting.

[ClapHandsAndSaveTheFairies]

Ditched pretty much everyone I was friendly with where I last lived, when I moved a few hundred miles away last year. They've tried to get in touch but as lovely as they otherwise were, they were ukip lovers, bigots, racists... Such a shame. But I won't have people like that in mine or my kids lives. Was very hard not to have any involvement with any of them at all where I lived, due to small town syndrome

[ForalltheSaints]

I agree with those who say ending it. Owing to the racist comments.

[FriendDilemmas]

Also comments about the polish parents constantly talking 'jibberish' to their kids (Polish, obviously). So wasn't just aimed at the Muslim families. Generally anyone who is not white British.

It really was awful. Probably shouldn't have mentioned Brexit as that wasn't really the point, it was the start of the conversation.

[doublebarrellednurse]

Jesus. I'd be a goner. Screw that shit.

[BreadSauceHmm]

I have ditched friends in the past for having extreme views as inevitably it starts rubbing off on the kids as well and to be frank the more they let on, the more it scared me having my kids around them.

[JingsMahBucket]

@ReanimatedSGB
Do you think that these are genuine, deeply-held beliefs (ie your new friends are thoroughly racist) or are they just fairly comfortable white people who tend to believe what the Daily Mail tells them?

Sooooo you still mean racist, right?

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

I know many people with political opinions different from my own, and don’t mind a debate, but I will not spend time with racists. And that’s what these women sound like - nasty racists, who show their true colours only in private (after a few tongue loosening proseccos.) I would distance myself from them.

[Ronnie27]

I wouldn’t even know most friends’ views on Brexit unless they’d posted it online or brought it up. Don’t they say not to discuss politics or money with loved ones?

[FriendDilemmas]

@CandyCaneLove Yes I do apologise for the drip feed. It wasn't my intention, I just didn't want to repeat what was said really. I thought racist comments was enough.

Like I said, I shouldn't have mentioned Brexit, it was just how the conversation started (how a lot of conversations start at the moment I'd wager). I certainly don't think all leavers are like these people.

[Vanhi]

Do you think that these are genuine, deeply-held beliefs (ie your new friends are thoroughly racist) or are they just fairly comfortable white people who tend to believe what the Daily Mail tells them?

IMO there isn't a difference. Believing what the DM tells you is highly likely to result in racist views, since the DM encourages and espouses racist beliefs.

If it were just Brexit, I'd simply steer clear of the conversation. I have friends I don't discuss the B word with because we're on opposing sides. The racism is unforgivable. Find nicer friends.

[GettingABitDesperateNow]

That's tough. I can respect other peoples views if they are based on logic and common sense, as after all, a lot of politics is predicting what is going to happen to the economy in the future and there isn't always a 'right's answer.

But saying things like 'spot the white kid's isn't just politics its racist, and also shows they are a bit stupid, as half of immigration is from Europe (predominantly white) and half is from other countries we have historical ties with (eg India - non white) so presumably after Brexit, the proportion of non white immigrants will increase anyway.

I guess it would help if you knew why they were saying that. As in, although studies show that on balance, immigrants improve the local economy, there are always going to be individuals who are adversely affected by it. For example if one of them ran a building company that had gone out of business because it was being consistently undercut by rivals that exclusively hired immigrants and didn't bother following UK H&S regs etc, or one of them had been told by the school that there was no funding for their child who needed extra help because all the resources were going towards helping those children who didnt speak English, then I guess I could understand that pressure on resources etc would be a concern to them.

But on balance although I'm not sure I'd ditch them straight away and I dont think I'd fall out with them, I know I wouldn't end up seeking out their company or want to get to know then better