AIBU to ditch a group of friends due to their views?

[FriendDilemmas]

I've NC for this.

Three years ago we moved to a new area about 30 miles away from where we used to live. I've never been comfortable making new friends and moving away from my hometown made this even harder.

I met a group of mums at school when DS started in reception this September. None of us knew each other before school which is ideal for me as I've always struggled trying to fit in with established groups (at work, previously at school with older DD). We hit it off and have been out together a few times and it's been great. I have been really lonely and miserable for three years having absolutely no social life or friends that I see regularly, even just for a chat.

Anyway, we all met up at one of their houses (let's call her Steph) this weekend just gone for a meal and a few drinks. We were just chatting casually and Steph brought up Brexit and politics. All three of the girls suddenly turned very nasty (well, seemed that way to me) saying how Brexit needed to be done, the borders needed closing, sick of all the immigrants, Steph's DS is in high school and she said it was like 'spot the white kid' there.

I was beyond shocked. I did not expect them to have these kinds of views and it has never come up before. I respect other people's political views and do enjoy a good debate but these comments were racist and nasty and I'm not sure I can be friends with people like this.

Spoke to DH and although equally shocked, he does not think I should just ditch them based on this. I think he has seen me so depressed and lonely and was so happy I'd found a good group of friends that I got one with that he thinks I should just let it go. But I can't. We have so many other things in common and have such a laugh together and I have literally no other friends, but I'm not sure I can forget this stuff was said.

AIBU? WWYD?

[LightsInOtherPeoplesHouses]

but i do take umbrage at people speaking in their own language constantly,

Seriously? I imagine most bi/multilingual people find it easier to speak in their first language, so why shouldn't they between themselves? Why are you so keen to eavesdrop on conversations that are nothing to do with you?

[dreichwinter]

but i do take umbrage at people speaking in their own language constantly,

What!!
Do you object to Gaelic and Welsh too?

[NC4this123]

Hare people like this - have family members who share similar shit on Facebook ... also posts like .... they should have payment machines at bedsides in hospitals for all foreign people to be charged... Christ sake how cold must you be!! Trouble is I think a lot of people say it, for saying it’s sake. If you would genuinely treat human beings in that manner you are vile.

[QueenBlueberries]

I think some people may be surprised that kids are learning about other faiths as part of the regular school curriculum...

DS (14years old) friendship group:

• boy 1, mum English dad Irish
• boy 2, single parent mum, Caribbean origin
• boy 3, American mum, German dad
• boy 4, Australian parents (lesbian mums, they have three children)
• boy 5, English dad, Brazilian mum
• boy 6, English mum, dad from India
• boy 6, mum from Yorkshire, dad from Liverpool
• girl 7, both parents from Lithuania
• girl 8, both parents from Romania

....

The world has not exploded for him yet. He has not been spoiled by having friends of different religions, race, ethnic origin. All good last time I checked.

[HyacynthBucket]

I cannot understand why people who are borderline or definite racists voted for brexit in order to curb immigration. Do they not realise that non EU immigrants outnumbered those from the EU both before the referendum and still do. If EU immigration is curbed because of brexit, the numbers of non Europeans coming to live here will be higher still.
Its very muddled thinking. If you do stay in their group, maybe point this out to the ones talking about 'only white child in the class', etc.

[KenDodd]

Presumably the posters who don't like people speaking foreign languages only travel to countries that they are fluent in the local language?

[saraclara]

i do take umbrage at people speaking in their own language constantly, where i live it is incessant, but when i've spoken to some people asking for the time or when a bus is due they converse in reasonable english before turning to their friend and talking in their own language again. it comes across as rude and you never known what they are saying, esp.

There are 250,000 Brits living in Spain. Around 200,000 live in France. What language do you think they speak to each other when they're standing at a Spanish/French bus stop?

[maddy68]

I have ditched friends over brexit myself. I realised they were just racists and that's something I simply couldn't be around

[ManonBlackbeak]

I remember an aquaintance from a hobby group Im doing something similar on a social that we all went on. She'd had a few drinks and suddenly went into a massive rant about Brexit, Poles, how she didn't give a stuff about Northern Ireland and didn't givre a shit if they all started killing each other again due to Brexit happening and it wasn't our problem. It was jaw dropping stuff. There were about three us in ear shot and we were all stunned as this was usually very straight laced, slightly older and well spoken Bohemian type lady. Someone did actually challenge her on it and it fell on deaf ears. We also have European immigrants in the sodding group!

I just made a mental not that she's a twat and have given her short shrift since.

[LightsInOtherPeoplesHouses]

I wouldn't want my kids to go to a school with loads of different religious nonsense being touted around as normal. Kids just want to be kids - they couldn't give a shit about 'culture'.

DS saw a Sikh policeman. Asked what that was on his head. I explained. I have Hindu and Muslim friends, he's asked questions about Ganesh and head scarves and so on. I've explained.

He knows about some people believing in God, about religion and he knows what I and DH believe (or don't believe in).

[AutumnRose1]

“ Ok so Trump and Putin have affirmed that multiculturalism doesn't work,”

Sir Trevor Phillips said it long before they did.

People saying all racists are Brexiteers, um, no, I’m sure plenty of people voted Remain to protect finances, economy etc.

[squaresandsquares]

I would ditch asap for racism

[PurpleFrames]

It's not good enough to not be racist yourself, you need to be anti-racist. Which in this case is pointing out racism and not condoning it in any way.

[TheSandman]

I don't think I could hang around with racists.

^ this.

Fuck them.

[Bluerussian]

7salmonswimming Mon 18-Nov-19 21:37:01
I’ll be your friend OP. You sounds like my kinda gal smile
.......
Mine too!
It is surprising how that sort of talk has crept back into normal usage in recent times.

At a funeral three months ago there was a couple from a village in Norfolk, fairly young-ish. They were talking to my son who likes Norfolk as do I (we live outskirts London), and the husband was talking about too many foreigners in various places, ooh he wouldn't live there. My son got a bit irate with them, argued quietly about the subject (& Brexit of course), and said he was thinking of moving there with his 'foreign' girlfriend (she's an American), and see how they'd like that. It wasn't in my earshot. One of his friends sort of pulled him away but he was really annoyed - and shocked. I must admit I was too but it wasn't the right time and place though they were quiet.

It's very saddening.

I'm nearly seventy (son 40), and my generation or some of us spent years combating those sort of attitudes. Now it seems to be 'normal' again.

I wouldn't feel comfortable being too friendly with those people, op, would rather be on my own. You can still chat and be nice when you meet them but they are not your friends. I hope you find others who are.

[Interestedwoman]

'ould you consider racism a political view though?

I'd consider it bigotry. It has no place in politics. It should have no place at all. That's my view.'
--
What is 'racist' can be subjective.

I had a therapist and I used to repeatedly fall out with people over politics over the years. She said just to not discuss it because my primary goal was to keep and maintain friendships, and in comparison I don't actually give a shit about much politics.

I fell out with a friend because I commented that something she posted could be seen as racist. She then completely lost it, telling me to f* off etc via text, the friendship ended over something I comparatively didn't give a shit about- I was gutted.

So I suppose you have to ask yourself, what is it that you want?

a) friends
b) to feel in the right or whatever you'd gain from losing your friends.

I can say that for me, having been lonely and depressed as you were, it was not worth losing almost any friend due to politics. There was maybe one guy who ws anti-feminist that I gladly got rid of, but anyone else I've fallen out with due to differing views on something that in the end means nothing compared to friendship, I've regretted.

I'm not saying racism means nothing, I'm saying what is it you want in your life? Bearing in mind you were depressed, lonely etc. This'll blow over if you stick with the friendship. They said the wrong thing (maybe after a drink) - in the lifespan of a friendship you will hopefully carry on for years, it's hopefully nothing, unless they make a habit of collecting Nazi regalia and bowing to it every time you see them or something.

Sorry to go on- but to sum up, I've been in your position and deeply regret losing my friend (s.)

[Ihatesundays]

I’d dump them on the basis they are a bit thick if they think Brexit means ‘closing the borders’.

[CaptainNelson]

What @Autumntoowet said
@littlepaddypaws , so you don't like people speaking 'their' language at the bus stop. Does that mean that whenever you go abroad, you only speak the local language, all the time, and with your friends/family? Because if not, then you're living with very double standards.

[WalkiesPlease]

Put it this way, if you were one of the "immigrants" that they were talking about, you'd have walked away immediately. Being passive is just as bad as actively being racist. It's shit, but you'll find better, more open-minded friends.

[TheSandman]

I've yet to meet a racist who thinks their views are racist, they just always think they're right.

And they usually start with: "I'm not a racist but..."

[morriseysquif]

Maybe you could help re-educate them, not in an patronising way but by reasonable challenge to long held views they may have inherited or absorbed by the bigoted media?

[coolwalking]

Not everyone wants open access borders and high levels of immigration. Why should they? Why should we allow anyone and everyone to live in there UK? Why are most of you for this? It makes no sense.

[Interestedwoman]

@coolwalking Exactly. 'Racist' in some circumstances is subjective.

[Squirrelplay]

Ah, that's disappointing. Honestly though, in your shoes I wouldn't end a friendship over this. As unpleasant as their views might seem, huge swathes of the population hold these views (hence brexit in the first place!)

I have a very close friend who is lovely in so many ways: kind, generous to a fault, works with some of the most vulnerable people in society, volunteers etc. etc. and yet she holds similar views to your friends on immigration. We have had heated discussions about this in the past but then we move on. It's just an opinion at the end of the day. We have so much in common I wouldn't even consider ending a friendship over it, I just don't bring it up now, we both know there's no point so it's off limits as a topic.