Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is anyone BU here over childcare?

303 replies

holidayhelpp · 18/11/2019 01:09

Mil, 2 sons and 2 dils....

Dil A has recently had her first child with son A. Son A has 3 dc, all in their teens, from first marriage.

Dil B has recently had 2 dc with son B.

Mil provides childcare for son b and Dil b.

On being asked by son a and dil a for childcare, mil has said she can only offer one day a week and gives it to son b’s dc as she has given time, money, effort etc to son a’s first 3 children and it is now son b’s turn to benefit. Son a and Dil feel this is favouritism and their child is being treated unfairly.

Dil b has a lot of support from her family whilst dil a does not, if that’s relevant.

Relationships are now souring.

Is anyone bu?

OP posts:
prawnsword · 18/11/2019 11:25

why would the kids think badly of their grandparents? Wouldn’t you teach them that granny’s very old now & has spent lots of years looking after many grandkids & they were looked after X and visit granny on X days & Have fun with granny when you have visits

Stop projecting your feelings & opinions onto the kids & they won’t feel unwanted !

Cecilandsnail · 18/11/2019 11:26

Sorry, no, there were 8 of us. 2 came along a bit later.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/11/2019 11:27

hy would the kids think badly of their grandparents? Wouldn’t you teach them that granny’s very old now & has spent lots of years looking after many grandkids & they were looked after X and visit granny on X days & Have fun with granny when you have visits

what is granny isn't very old and the truth is that she just doesn't want to? should we lie to our children instead? im not saying they cant have fun on visits but its not the same. They wont have the same relationship.

Stop projecting your feelings & opinions onto the kids & they won’t feel unwanted

its not projecting if and when they notice for themselves, which of course they do. Especially if the other kids tell them how much fun they have with granny and they think oh why don't I get that? why do I go to nursery instead?

kids aren't stupid.

DeathStare · 18/11/2019 11:27

no, that's not what i mean at all. She is leaving this GC out. I am not saying her children should get equal amounts of hours or whatever, im saying shes done it for the rest but wont do it for this one

If her health prevented it or whatever, fine, but she isn't doing it because she doesn't want to and he's had prev children

But why should MIL have to carry on doing childcare if she doesn't want to? She has no idea whether this is going to be the last grandchild or if her sons are going to have another 10 children between them over the next 30 years. If she doesn't want to take on any more childcare then she has to draw a line somewhere. And she has.

By your logic if she did the childcare for Son A's baby, and then in 5 years Son B had another baby she would have to offer childcare for that baby too. Then if five years after that Son A (and his third wife) had another baby she would have to do the childcare for that baby too. Because otherwise they would be the only one she didn't do it for. Because otherwise the latest baby might feel left out. That could go on forever with her doing something she doesn't want to for decades just so that other people don't feel (unreasonably) put out.

She doesn't love this baby any less. She isn't excluding DIL A. She's just not being a martyr.

Original poster
holidayhelpp · 18/11/2019 11:28

Well that’s more replies than I was expecting....

Puts head above the parapet. I’m dil a (waves)

Grin joking!! I’m dil b.

I too hate it when op’s don’t return or clarify. Will come back with responses to some points asap, but currently am busy with looking after my children on my own for free and everything Grin

OP posts:
Vulpine · 18/11/2019 11:29

The beauty in sorting out your own childcare is you don't owe anyone any favours

DeathStare · 18/11/2019 11:29

@Bollykecks.... Are you the OP?

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/11/2019 11:30

But why should MIL have to carry on doing childcare if she doesn't want to? She has no idea whether this is going to be the last grandchild or if her sons are going to have another 10 children between them over the next 30 years. If she doesn't want to take on any more childcare then she has to draw a line somewhere. And she has

she shouldn't have to, but then she should accept that she is treating her grandchildren differently and shouldn't be surprised if she doesn't have the same relationship with that GC or annoys her son and DIL.

By your logic if she did the childcare for Son A's baby, and then in 5 years Son B had another baby she would have to offer childcare for that baby too. Then if five years after that Son A (and his third wife) had another baby she would have to do the childcare for that baby too. Because otherwise they would be the only one she didn't do it for. Because otherwise the latest baby might feel left out. That could go on forever with her doing something she doesn't want to for decades just so that other people don't feel (unreasonably) put out

I think the best solution would be to not offer childcare at all to be honest.

She doesn't love this baby any less. She isn't excluding DIL A. She's just not being a martyr

well in fairness we don't know how she feels about this baby, but she is excluding DIL A without question. She has done childcare for 2 other wives, and not this one.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/11/2019 11:30

No, i'm not the OP. Hmm

its not unusual for people to have differing opinions!

merrymouse · 18/11/2019 11:31

I don't understand what the problem is here (except a need for free childcare). You can have a relationship with you grandparents that doesn't revolve around childcare arrangements.

It's fairly normal for one set of grandparents to provide more childcare because they live closer or are younger, but that doesn't necessarily mean they will have a better or closer relationship, particularly once children are older.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 18/11/2019 11:32

I know a family with 3 grown children. Eldest 2 have the same number of children. Youngest doesn’t have any. Granny has been providing childcare for all the children for 14 years. (Originally while also working part time- now retried) one of the adult children had housing problems so to help out grandparents offered to give them some of their garden, get planning permission and allow them to build a house, other adult child decided it would be fair if they also got the same despite having their own home. So more garden was given, planning permission sought and paid for by grandparents and houses were built. Childcare still being provided to all DC who now live in their back garden. To balance things out a bit Adult child 3 (no DC) has been left the original family home in parents will when they both die. (They are not anywhere close to death) it has a higher value than the new homes. Older two DC are not happy. Grin

Oysterbabe · 18/11/2019 11:35

MIL should fuck the lot of them off and enjoy her free time rather than put up with people squabbling over how she should be spending it.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 18/11/2019 11:36

Anyone whingeing about not having the same relationship with their grandparents as cousins needs to grow the hell up. Even if you stayed at exactly the same time and had exactly the same experiences as your cousins you’d still have a different relationship with your grandparents. Nobody has the same relationship with anyone as someone else does because they’re all different personalities with different things affecting how those relationships develop. Anyone demanding exactly the same treatment sounds like a frigging toddler.

NoSauce · 18/11/2019 11:37

Do you family help out OP?

dontalltalkatonce · 18/11/2019 11:37

Poor grandparents! SO many are so entitled. 'I have no family help!' Waaa.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/11/2019 11:37

I just think if you're going to do it for one, you should do it for all or not at all so she should have said no a de ade ago in case a scenario came about years later where there would be more kids than she could cope with?

"Sorry A, I'd offer childcare now to you and W1 but what if in a decade you split up and have more kids and I can't do the same? What if I you go on to have more kids and I can't look after them for precisely 342 days each because I get run over by a car. I can't do it. I can't risk ever treating them differently. In fact, I won't be in any of their lives because it's impossible to be able to treat them all the same. Good bye, son"

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/11/2019 11:39

no she should have simply just said "no" in the first place.

DeathStare · 18/11/2019 11:46

no she should have simply just said "no" in the first place

Why?

One to two decades ago she wanted to provide childcare, she was able to provide childcare and her son and DIL in the time were glad to receive said childcare.

They would have thought she had lost the plot if she had said to them "I'd really love to provide childcare - and I know you would like me to - but son what if decades from now you are with another woman and have another baby and I'm older and no longer want to provide childcare. That might make your new wife (who currently doesn't exist) and your new baby (who also currently doesn't exist) feel left out, so I'm going to have to say no even though all the people who currently exist - including myself - want me to say yes"

SleepingStandingUp · 18/11/2019 11:48

no she should have simply just said "no" in the first place
Why?

ShinyGiratina · 18/11/2019 11:51

Any help from grandparents is a bonus. MIL has supported both families which is fair. Grandchildren, especially if there is a significant age gap won't build identical relationships.

We have grandchildren 9&10. MiL was very helpful to her local older grandchildren when she was in her 60s and 70s. We're not local anyway so that's a moot point but now she's in her 80s and struggles to be around young children for long and can't visit us any more so our children only get chance to see her for a handful of days per year. That's just the way circumstances fall and there's no point in handwringing over it.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/11/2019 11:57

never mind, there are only so many ways I can say that the last GC is missing out and being treated differently.

DeathStare · 18/11/2019 11:58

never mind, there are only so many ways I can say that the last GC is missing out and being treated differently

Who says this one is the last grandchild????

LannisterLion1 · 18/11/2019 11:59

My dc don't get gp childcare, we pay. My siblings do. Would it be nice? Yes from a saving money pov but I'm not an ungrateful sod who expects it and can see my siblings circumstance are very different from mine. DC and DGC can't always be treated the same. Especially in regards to childcare and when one family has double the amount of dc. The DC have been treated the same and frankly both are lucky they've had family help. DIL a may feel penalised but where does it end? Is MIL expected to look after any more dc family a have?

My dc are even close to gp as we and they make an effort at weekends and holidays.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/11/2019 12:00

death it may not be, any subsequent children will probably also get treated differently. Still doesn't make it right IMO.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/11/2019 12:01

never mind, there are only so many ways I can say that the last GC is missing out and being treated differently but your logic is Grandparent should never provide help to existing gc in case there some day another gc who she can't do it for. Which is frankly ridiculous. She should, by your logic, have virtually no relationship with any grandkids in case more appear after circus change and she can't treat them identically.
Treating them fairly doesn't mean treating them the same.