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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is anyone BU here over childcare?

303 replies

holidayhelpp · 18/11/2019 01:09

Mil, 2 sons and 2 dils....

Dil A has recently had her first child with son A. Son A has 3 dc, all in their teens, from first marriage.

Dil B has recently had 2 dc with son B.

Mil provides childcare for son b and Dil b.

On being asked by son a and dil a for childcare, mil has said she can only offer one day a week and gives it to son b’s dc as she has given time, money, effort etc to son a’s first 3 children and it is now son b’s turn to benefit. Son a and Dil feel this is favouritism and their child is being treated unfairly.

Dil b has a lot of support from her family whilst dil a does not, if that’s relevant.

Relationships are now souring.

Is anyone bu?

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 18/11/2019 12:03

sleeping no, you're not getting it.

I don't personally think she is treating them fairly, but if you do, great.

DeathStare · 18/11/2019 12:04

death it may not be, any subsequent children will probably also get treated differently. Still doesn't make it right IMO

So what is the answer @Bollykecks? Should no grandparent ever offer to provide childcare for any grandchild because 15/20/25 years down the track their child may give them another new grandchild and they can't guarantee to do the same then? Should no grandparent ever offer to babysit or to buy the grandchild a decent present for the same reason?

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/11/2019 12:06

the answer to me is, either do it for all of them or don't do it at all.

Its not even really about the grandkids who she looked after 10 years ago, its that she's looking after one set now and not the other.

and the present thing, well I think that should be equal too in that no child gets a "decent" present if the others are getting a shit one but doesn't that go without saying?

Cohle · 18/11/2019 12:07

Of course grandchildren get treated differently over decades. That's the way ageing works. Grandparents can't possibly be expected to provide the same support in their 60s as in their 80s. And that's quite apart from all the other factors.

It's simply not reasonable to expect that all the grandchildren in a family will be treated identically. Situations change.

diddl · 18/11/2019 12:08

So how much childcare do you get & what does OP do on the other days?

diddl · 18/11/2019 12:09

Op? MIL!!

Merryoldgoat · 18/11/2019 12:09

No one has the right to childcare from their parents or PIL.

My family and PIL, between them, looked after DS1 for three days a week for 2 years - it was an utterly massive help, I was eternally grateful and it wasn't expected. I asked regularly if it was time to stop and when circumstances changed very suddenly I took a couple of days' emergency leave I had a childminder by the time I went back.

My second DS is nearly 2 and my PIL have decided they would like to have him a day a week. I'm extremely grateful but well aware this is a massive favour. As soon as it no longer suits them that's fine.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/11/2019 12:25

the answer to me is, either do it for all of them or don't do it at all
So you never do anything nice for anyone ever in case a future scenario arises where you can't do it again. Which is a bloody sad way to live.
Dail has gone into prem labour and you desperately need me to look after the kids? Sorry no, what if your brother needs the same in 15 years time and I'm decrepid, dead or on holiday with Stavros, my future hot lover?

Dbil has 1 chidl, now in teens. MIL and Ful did lots with her as a child. By the time my DS came along DFIL was ill with Parkinsons and thry could do less. Did I complain how unfair it was in my pfb?? Now pregnant with twins, individually MIL can't spend the same on my 3 over the years as she did for the first decade of Dnieces life becasue, life. Do I complain its unfair? Having 3, we'll cumulatively get more than Dbil. Should he go and have two more to even it up?

You treat them each as fairly as you can at the time. She gave Ds1 years of free childcare, he didn't say no Mom, don't in case u need it in a decade and you can't do the same or DBro needs it one day and he can't.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/11/2019 12:28

I don't think any of those scenarios are comparable.

im talking about long term childcare arrangements, not one off emergencies and I have already mentioned health issues and such like Hmm

I am not arguing with you anymore, lets just agree to disagree shall we.

Iamallatsea · 18/11/2019 12:42

It doesn’t have to be treating grandchildren within the same family the same.
I have two children with quite a big age gap, no 1 no regular child care from my mum and dad ( had a childminder) but would help if in emergency or child ill etc but took child away for a weeks holiday in the UK from aged 5 - 9 and spent a lot of time pottering with grandad at weekends up to age about 12.
Child no 2 regular part - time child care from age 1 - 3 but not holidays as my parents couldn’t manage it by that point. More time spent with my mum at weekends from age 5 and not so many of those because my dad was quite ill by this point and didn’t live til my second was 12.
Both my children loved my mum and dad to bits, until my dad died, grandparents are there to spend time with their grandchildren and love them unconditionally, not to provide childcare, though it is nice if they can help out.
I have a wonderful granddaughter and she lived with us with her mum and dad for the first 6 months of her life because they needed a roof over their heads.
If I have other grandchildren does that mean I don’t love them as much if I don’t have them to live with me for 6 months? Or should I have let my DS and his partner and my granddaughter go into emergency accommodation, even though I had space, in case I was giving extra attention to my first grandchild and my son goes on to have other children with his new partner?

SleepingStandingUp · 18/11/2019 12:42

Whatever Bolly, it's really sad you'd refuse to help out one person when they needed it in case you can't reciprocate in a hypothetical situation that might never arise with people who don't exist yet

ferrier · 18/11/2019 12:43

There is no reason why last GC should miss out. My mum childminded my sister's oldest two children. She didn't mind any of the other grandchildren. Her relationship with each of them has always been exactly the same. It really isn't about the number of hours, it's about the quality of the interaction.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/11/2019 12:44

why is it sad? I find it sad that people are totally ok with treating their GC unfairly but hey ho.

I am not responding anymore, i'm bored of repeating myself.

and lets face it nobody "needs" free childcare, its just nice to have. This isn't MIL helping a needy family against a super rich one (unless that hasn't been mentioned)

its helping one GC over another, I wouldn't be ok with that.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 18/11/2019 12:46

never mind, there are only so many ways I can say that the last GC is missing out and being treated differently.

That's part of life though. Dh is the youngest of 3. His sisters are very close in age and then MiL had a stillbirth and a miscarriage so there is a relatively big gap. Plus his sisters had children fairly early on, we were in our late 30s. MiL provided lots of childcare for her daughters and she's babysat ours for 2 nights whilst we went to the theatre/cinema and looked after dc1 one night whilst I was in hospital having dc2.

Aged 77 with bad arthritis she just can't cope with my 4 year old and my 17 month old. She would do more but it would be unfair on our part to ask/expect. They do get a lot of time with her but we have to be there as well. As far as I'm concerned relationships with grandparents is not the same as having them provide childcare.

Plus Family B have twins? So what, MiL should be effectively looking after triplets given how close in age these children could be? I'm 42 and my youngest is 17 months, not sure I could cope if I had 3 of her to look after.

Drabarni · 18/11/2019 12:49

Bloody hell, I bet poor mil is knackered.
I think all the dc should sort out their own childcare and not rely on mil.

NoSauce · 18/11/2019 12:53

why is it sad? I find it sad that people are totally ok with treating their GC unfairly but hey ho

She’s not treating them unfairly. I’m guessing she loves them all and buys them the same stuff etc, this isn’t about the children, this is about MILs children and having helped out one of them by having his 3 children, she’s now doing the same for her other child by having his 2.

She’s not a magician. She can’t magic up another couple of days in the week to have this GC. She’s already been good enough to offer one day.

Stop being so rigid Bollykecks.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/11/2019 12:55

reading the OP again I don't think she has offered a day has she?

she says she can only do one day and the other child is getting that?

im not being rigid, I just have a different opinion than you..

as I said I cba responding anymore!

fishonabicycle · 18/11/2019 12:56

MIL has said she has one day free per week bollykecks. Which she has given up to family B. She might work the other days, or have other existing commitments - are you suggesting she should sacrifice those so that family A can have free childcare? Basically she should just be there at her children's pleasure until she drops dead, never having any time as her own?

FrancisCrawford · 18/11/2019 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoSauce · 18/11/2019 13:02

You keep saying you’re not responding!

Yes you’re right, the one day she has free is being offered to son B. MIL needs to tell them all to do one and find their own childcare.

What is she doing on the other days OP?

And why have you not been back properly? So annoying, especially when YOU have pulled up posters previously for disappearing!

Original poster
holidayhelpp · 18/11/2019 13:15

@NoSauce calm down, I said I was looking after my children didn’t I?! Lordy!

It’s really hard to address all the individual points from such a mass reply (thanks all by the way, you confirm what I feel myself!) but I will try to clear some things up

There’s been a lot of assumptions made by a lot of people, which I guess is easy to do when you only have a certain amount of info to go on, but was certainly interesting.

The main one is that mil is some elderly, frail, put upon old dear. Nothing could be further from The truth Grin she absolutely insisted on having my dc a day a week when I returned to work and was very upset when I tried to say no because we’d sorted nursery. I think there may be some jealousy as my own mother does a lot of childcare (again, because she absolutely wants to, not because I think I’m ENTITLED to it or IT’S MY RIGHT etc etc). My dh talked me into it and mil would be devastated not to have her day anymore. She has described it as the highlight of her week, is devastated lo will be starting school next year and the arrangement will end, and so on.

I haven’t let relationships sour, I couldn’t care less about who does what, just want everyone be happy. It’s son a and Dil a who are unhappy. And it’s not because of a lack of childcare - we are all more than capable of paying for childcare, it’s not an issue of money - it’s the perceived favouritism.

For those who asked, I’m not sure what mil does on the other 6 days of the week. Whatever she wants, I presume.

Hope that clear some things up Wink

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 18/11/2019 13:21

she says she can only do one day and the other child is getting that

It's more than one child. The OP clearly says:

Dil B has recently had 2 dc with son B.

So that's either two very close in age children or twins which is possibly also a factor.

BlackSwanGreen · 18/11/2019 13:23

Well, if your DC will be starting school next year, then that helps doesn't it? Could MIL offer her day to Son A's child at that point?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 18/11/2019 13:26

It does kind of sound like favouritism now you've put it like that Grin

BlackSwanGreen · 18/11/2019 13:28

She has described it as the highlight of her week, is devastated lo will be starting school next year and the arrangement will end, and so on

This might be the problem I think. MIL going on and on about how amazing your DC are, and seeming uninterested in getting to know the other grandchild, may be more of an issue than the childcare practicalities?

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