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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is anyone BU here over childcare?

303 replies

holidayhelpp · 18/11/2019 01:09

Mil, 2 sons and 2 dils....

Dil A has recently had her first child with son A. Son A has 3 dc, all in their teens, from first marriage.

Dil B has recently had 2 dc with son B.

Mil provides childcare for son b and Dil b.

On being asked by son a and dil a for childcare, mil has said she can only offer one day a week and gives it to son b’s dc as she has given time, money, effort etc to son a’s first 3 children and it is now son b’s turn to benefit. Son a and Dil feel this is favouritism and their child is being treated unfairly.

Dil b has a lot of support from her family whilst dil a does not, if that’s relevant.

Relationships are now souring.

Is anyone bu?

OP posts:
LimeRedBanana · 18/11/2019 03:26

Is anyone bu?

Yes, everyone, except MIL.

Unbelievable.

heartsonacake · 18/11/2019 03:29

DIL A is BVU.

Nobody is owed childcare on a regular basis from their parents/in-laws, and your MIL had already given her time to your husbands first lot of children (when she was much younger).

Sort your own childcare and stop being grabby. There’s no favouritism here, just entitled behaviour from you (DIL A).

FridalovesDiego · 18/11/2019 03:39

OP is clearly DIL B, the wording just does not point to her being DIL A. (Although I must say, OP, you have been surprisingly neutral in your posting style) Why can’t she have them all? I am not suggesting this, just asking. —I wouldn’t have any of the kids!— But could that be a solution?

MamaToTheBabyBears · 18/11/2019 03:54

I actually think it's the MIL posting!

But regardless, Son&DIL A are being unreasonable. I can't quite believe they expect you to drop your agreement with family B! Son A has received more free childcare than family B, yet expect more and are having a strop. Both son&DIL A sound very entitled. MIL sounds quite lovely to offer even a day when she's got her hands full with grandchildren already and had already helped with sons elder 3 children. Let the woman(or give yourself if you are in fact MIL) have some free time! Family A needs to stop being so entitled and get alternative childcare sorted.

SD1978 · 18/11/2019 03:59

Agree no one is owed anything- any help given should be received great fully and not expected. If she is looking after twins- I cant imagine adding another baby to the mix would be easy, and where her son is concerned she has a point. Only one day free, she's dont this for her son for years, and now is doing the same for her other son. That's her choice, and she sees it as a fair one. Whether new wife does or not is inconsequential as that's the reality.

TiceCream · 18/11/2019 04:02

I don’t think it’s fair of MIL to say she’s already been a grandparent to Family A so she won’t be doing anything further for them and will now only be grandparenting Family B. Surely each child is entitled to equal love/time from and access to their grandmother? It’s irrelevant that one Family has 4 DC and the other has 2 DC - all 6 children should be treated equally.

Think of it as a Christmas present. Would you regard it as fair for each family to receive the same present budget but the 2DC in Family B split theirs 50:50, and the first 3DC in Family A split their money 3 ways, while the littlest one receives nothing? What would you say to a grandparent who said “Sorry Little DC A, your siblings received gifts for years before you were born so they’ve used up your family quota and there’ll be no gifts for you? Or would you think it’s fairer for all GDC to receive the same?

WhatTiggersDoBest · 18/11/2019 04:11

From a point of view of purely providing a service to her sons, MIL isn't being unreasonable.
For not taking an interest in her new grandchild, MIL is being a little unreasonable but only if she doesn't visit/get to see the grandchild outside of the scope of this non-existent childcare.
For expecting another adult to look after their child when she already looks after other kids (or because she already looks after other kids), family A are being unreasonable. MIL doesn't owe anyone her time. No, it's not fair on DIL A that she never got the same courtesy as other family members and it's probably making her feel left out but MIL still doesn't owe anyone her time. It's one of those cases of "life's not fair. Get over it."
Does DIL A have her own parents/siblings/people she met at a bus stop she could ask for childcare?

Ponoka7 · 18/11/2019 04:16

@TiceCream, she isn't being asked to be a grandparent, she being asked to provide childcare. Which she hasn't said no to.

I am a hands on GM, but I got a bit resentful because I couldn't just be a GM, I was expected to practically co-parent.

No one consulted me when they made their decision to conceive their second child and I've told them that.

As you age you get less patience for the 0-2 stage and not everyone has the energy for the 2-4 stage. Let alone 3. The ratio is at the top limit for a childminder. Unless two are under 1, which makes the ratio illegal. So why should she be expected to wear herself out to accommodate her Adult children.

She's entitled to offer what she can do and no more. Because us older women are entitled to our own lives, as well.

One day a week and no doubt during sickness, is a big help. Unless she was asked pre pregnancy and has now let them down, then she is being more than reasonable.

Don't have children based on one other person doing the unpaid childcare.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 18/11/2019 04:20

I also think A is being unreasonable. MIL doesn't owe them anything.
Do DCs live with them full time? If not, they are massively taking the mick

RebootYourEngine · 18/11/2019 04:24

Son A and DIL A are being unreasonable. MIL already has given son A a lot of her time and now she is giving son B her time.

She doesn't owe anyone anything though and all of you, both sons and DILs, need to remember that.

IWantADifferentName · 18/11/2019 04:34

Just want to point out that despite the AIBU board having a reputation for MIL bashing, pretty much everyone seems to be judging the case on its merits and saying that MIL is not being unreasonable.

Laserbird16 · 18/11/2019 04:47

It may not feel equitable to DIL A but MIL isn't a childcare centre and is allowed to say no. She has prior commitments and again doesn't need a reason, maybe she isn't relishing looking after another GC now she's older and it sounds like she has helped put considerably in the past.

If family A need help how about formal childcare or the 3 teenagers in the house?

EleanorShellstrop100 · 18/11/2019 04:56

MIL is in an awkward position where she only has one day free and so has had to make a difficult decision. She has done so using logic which I think makes sense and is fair.

nagynolonger · 18/11/2019 05:11

MIL shouldn't be expected to provide childcare for anyone. If DS1 older Dc are teens she will end up doing 20 years (?) unpaid childcare for pre school grandchildren. That in addition to raising her own DC is enough I would have thought.
I am a granny providing pre school care for my DGC. Three days per week for two families (5 DGC). Those days are 12/13 hours long and it's bloody hard work! That said I am determined to be fair and will help while I feel able.

I certainly won't be doing the same in 10 years time for my younger DC if they become parents. I will love those babies as much as I do the little ones we have now, but I will be in my 70s. Some previous posters think that is unfair on my younger DC and their partners/future children. Well life is not fair. I am sure my younger DC realize me and DH have done our best for all of them.

It's parents responsibility to provide childcare. It can be expensive but pre school care doesn't last forever and at least it is available now.

The fact that family 2 have access to other help from DIL family has nothing to do with the situation.

Sounds like family A just assumed Grandma would provide care without even asking her. DS A needs to step up and pay nursery fees for his child.

aSofaNearYou · 18/11/2019 05:12

The MIL doesn't owe anyone childcare but it is a cold reason to give as to why and if I was DIL A it would put me off her too.

If the arrangement with Son B's child started before Son A asked for help with his youngest and there was only one day to spare then that would obviously have been a fair enough reason- but instead saying "you have filled up your help quota with the older children and therefore I am not interested in helping with this one" is not very sensitive and it's hardly surprising if DIL A feels offended.

Given that the A parents seem more in need of help, too, I would be suggesting one day on alternate weeks with either set of grandchildren.

finn1020 · 18/11/2019 05:14

DIL A is being entitled.

Mil has already provided childcare for Son A three times. Now she’s helping Son B with their one child. She doesn’t need to help Son A again for his 4th child.

Also DIL A probably has NO CLUE how your stamina for looking after little kids changes as you get older. If the first three kids Mil looked after are now teens she’s probably necessarily up to looking after little kid again but may very well think she should look after Son B’s kid because she helped out with THREE of Son A’s kids.

DIL and Son A need to deal with their own childcare. It’s not relevant that DIL A has no family support, maybe she needs to aim the hissy fit at her own family for not helping instead of expecting MIL to do it.

steff13 · 18/11/2019 05:29

I think son and daughter-in-law A are being unreasonable.

Also, I think OP is daughter-in-law B. After an AS 😳.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/11/2019 05:41

The only way I think mil is being unreasonable is by not putting herself first. She needs to tell her grown up babies they should be sorting childcare themselves. One day a week for each family is more than generous.

Mermaidoutofwater · 18/11/2019 05:43

If MIL sees offering free childcare as a favour to her sons and not their wives, then offering her spare day to son B is completely logical. DIL A needs to stop taking it personally, unless there’s some other backstory it is not personal.

mrscampbellblackagain · 18/11/2019 06:02

Son A should have thought about paying for childcare before having his fourth child maybe.

Poor mil!

Ginger1982 · 18/11/2019 06:23

Family A should have considered the practicalities of childcare before having their child. Does family B have twins?

The MIL is not obliged to help either of them tbh so YABU and petty if relations are 'souring'

Isleepinahedgefund · 18/11/2019 06:29

Poor MIL.

She can do what the heck she likes frankly - she isn't a free commodity that you're entitled to.

FenellaMaxwell · 18/11/2019 06:32

Son and DIL A need to wind their necks in - Son A has had free childcare for 3 children already.

RedHelenB · 18/11/2019 06:40

To the poster that said she'd be too old to offer her younger children childcare if and when they need it, would you help them out financially with childcare if they needed instead?

Newbie1981 · 18/11/2019 06:41

Your MIL is not your childminder ffs. Don't have kids if you can't sort yourself