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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is anyone BU here over childcare?

303 replies

holidayhelpp · 18/11/2019 01:09

Mil, 2 sons and 2 dils....

Dil A has recently had her first child with son A. Son A has 3 dc, all in their teens, from first marriage.

Dil B has recently had 2 dc with son B.

Mil provides childcare for son b and Dil b.

On being asked by son a and dil a for childcare, mil has said she can only offer one day a week and gives it to son b’s dc as she has given time, money, effort etc to son a’s first 3 children and it is now son b’s turn to benefit. Son a and Dil feel this is favouritism and their child is being treated unfairly.

Dil b has a lot of support from her family whilst dil a does not, if that’s relevant.

Relationships are now souring.

Is anyone bu?

OP posts:
siriusblackthemischieviouscat · 18/11/2019 13:30

I love the analogy of comparing it to money as family childcare does save hundreds of pounds. We could have managed without our in laws doing one day a week looking after our dv until they both started school but it would have been a hard few years.

My SIL doesn't have dcs and is unlikely to now given her age but i know at the time inLaws would buy her more things when the saw her to compensate for buying their gdc presents/sweets etc. It wont have been financially similar to what they saved us I'm childcare but would have been similar to their financial cost to looking after our dcs.

NoSauce · 18/11/2019 13:30

I’m totally calm. It’s just annoying when someone starts a thread and then doesn’t reply.

aSofaNearYou · 18/11/2019 13:32

she absolutely insisted on having my dc a day a week when I returned to work and was very upset when I tried to say no because we’d sorted nursery. I think there may be some jealousy as my own mother does a lot of childcare (again, because she absolutely wants to, not because I think I’m ENTITLED to it or IT’S MY RIGHT etc etc). My dh talked me into it and mil would be devastated not to have her day anymore. She has described it as the highlight of her week, is devastated lo will be starting school next year and the arrangement will end, and so on.

Tbh this makes me see how your SIL feels even more. Your MILs almost extreme desire to look after your child makes it seem even more cold that she unemotively describes the situation as her other son having filled his quota with his first family, and does give the impression she doesn't approve of the second family or care about it as much.

Like I said before, she's under no obligation to provide childcare for any of you so in that regard she has done nothing wrong, but given your update I would have hardly failed to notice the extreme difference between how keen she is to look after your child vs how put out she feels by the prospect of helping with the other child.

It's not really your problem because you've done nothing to force the situation or your MILs opinion, but I don't find it surprising relationships are souring.

NoSauce · 18/11/2019 13:33

So why does she insist on having your children to brighten her week when you don’t need the childcare and not the other son who does?

That seems odd. Why would she do that then OP?

londonrach · 18/11/2019 13:33

Yabu'. Dil a being unreasonable. Poor mil already helped out son a and now already helping son b. Personably poor mil should get her life back and let both parents find other childcare.

cujo · 18/11/2019 13:36

There's two things that need to be separated here. Childcare and a grandparent relationship. Childcare is provided to the parent, and the relationship provided to the child. I'll admit that the second gets improved by the first but in terms of 'favouritism' these are separate.

Son A has had 3 x childcare credits
Son B is receiving 2 x childcare credits

So actually Son A has had more childcare credits.

In terms of grandparenting
A1 + A2 + A3
B1 + B2
have all received childcare

A4
has not and it is not possible to provide. There is only one day a week available and it has already been allocated.

Therefore Son & DILA and the GPs need to make sure a good relationship is formed between MIL and A4 regardless of childcare. Possibly regular visits, with perhaps overnight visits/babysitting at a suitable age, or a few days holiday cover throughout the year for A4. I don't think expectations can or should exceed this.

Chloemol · 18/11/2019 13:37

Dil a need some to understand that her husbands first three children had help from their grandmother, and now it’s Bs turn. Son a should be grateful his mother was able to support and it’s now his brothers turn.

As others have said it should not be a given anyone can help with childcare and it should be understood before even trying for a child that the parents would be responsible for all childcare

Sona and dil a are being very u reasonable and if relationships are souring it’s their fault for feeling so entitled

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/11/2019 13:50

yeah, I am not surprised they feel like this. Your child is the highlight of her week, and their child is...?

Mamabear1988 · 18/11/2019 14:09

Both should be offered 1 day a week each maximum IF she want to do it then MIL should do as she pleases on her other days off.

You are not entitled to free childcare from the mother in law and it sounds like you are squabbling over it which is going to stress her out. The DILs and sons should start paying for the children they decided to have.

Mamabear1988 · 18/11/2019 14:13

OP I just read your replies and you sound like you are going fair. The info at the top makes the situation sound like you've all fell out to me lol

Quartz2208 · 18/11/2019 14:17

mmm i have to say it sounds odd that she insisted for you and is refusing for A. I can see how that might be perceived

diddl · 18/11/2019 14:18

So she doesn't work?

In that case I think that it would be nice of her to have the other GC one day a week.

In fact if you had to be talked into it, I'm surprised that you didn't jump at the chance of ending it & letting her do childcare for A instead!

ToPlanZ · 18/11/2019 14:19

I personally don't think it makes a blind bit of difference that the MIL enjoys the time she has with DIL B's children. There's nothing to say she didn't feel that way about the first 3 grandkids. Would it be fairer if it were a penance and she hated it?

She's provided the first son with a big chunk of childcare, now in the allotted time she has, son B is getting childcare. If DIL A and son A don't like it then what does they think the answer is? Do they think it would be fair for MIL to now give that chunk of time to son A again taking it back from son B. Of course it wouldn't.

If MIL can't provide childcare or doesn't want to (its her life) and the As are jealous of the relationship being built with the Bs kids then they need to ensure that they work on building a relationship with their child and the MIL outside of just using her as a babysitting service. Certainly given their souring of the relationship when the MIL won't dance to their tune it does sound like childcare is their main priority rather than the relationship itself.

Ginger1982 · 18/11/2019 14:24

What's the relationship like in general between MIL and DILA? Does MIL perhaps prefer first wife?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 18/11/2019 14:40

@diddl it might be nice for her to offer but if she doesn't want to then that's her prerogative

NoSauce · 18/11/2019 14:45

What’s the actual point of this thread OP? I’m intrigued to why you started it.

Let’s hope your SIL doesn’t see it.

diddl · 18/11/2019 14:52

" but if she doesn't want to then that's her prerogative"

Oh yes I agree.

I suppose it seems so odd to me that she's determined to have B's daughter even though it's supposedly not wanted/needed.

Of course A might not need childcare, just some enthusiasm about their child?

Or A's child might be a lot younger & more difficult to care for?

If I was B & my sibling needed the childcare then I'd be telling MIL that they could stop childcare for me & do it for A instead.

HotDogGuy · 18/11/2019 15:25

If your child is starting school next year (September I presume) has she offered to have the new grandchild from then?

joffreyscoffees · 18/11/2019 16:13

Why do people believe that automatically think that grandparents = childcare.

You chose to have children, they've done their child rearing days, pay for your child to go nursery or a childminder.

saraclara · 18/11/2019 16:35

To those who say that a Grandparent should treat every grandchild the same as regards childcare:
I'm 63. One of my daughters has just produced the first grandchild. At this point, if I offered childcare (which I haven't) I'd just about have enough energy for it. But the span of time over which my two daughters might continue to produce grandkids, could well be quite extensive. And even if I retain reasonable health, odds are that my energy levels and patience might start to wear thin as I age. So at what point am I 'allowed' to say enough is enough? Not until the last of the grandchildren has had as much childcare as the first did?

CripsSandwiches · 18/11/2019 16:39

So why does she insist on having your children to brighten her week when you don’t need the childcare and not the other son who does?

Exactly this. Wouldn't the other grandchild brighten her week?

CripsSandwiches · 18/11/2019 16:42

@saraclara I don't think there's any expectation that things will stay equal in terms of childcare and everyone knows that in 10-20 years time a grandparent is likely to be less active in their grandchildren's life. No one should expect free childcare from grandparents anyway. Sometimes circumstances change (health, house move, new hobby, bereavement, grandparent remarrying etc) making things unequal too. I think the rub comes when it seems like it's not circumstances but favouritism which caused the change.

LimeRedBanana · 18/11/2019 17:16

Subsequent post paints an entirely different picture of the set up.

What a waste of 200+ contributions, now that the more nuanced picture has been provided.

DIL A not so unreasonable, after all - but well done on throwing her under the 🚌 in your OP........

SoupDragon · 18/11/2019 17:21

DIL A not so unreasonable, after all

How so?

LimeRedBanana · 18/11/2019 17:30

Because MIL is making a huge fuss and insistence (highlight of her week!) of taking care of Son B's child, when it's neither needed, nor wanted - Son B's MIL is helping, and they can pay for any extra they need, anyway.

Son and DIL A, on the other hand, sound as if they could use the help. But GC A(4) isn't so much of a 'highlight of the week'...

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