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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is anyone BU here over childcare?

303 replies

holidayhelpp · 18/11/2019 01:09

Mil, 2 sons and 2 dils....

Dil A has recently had her first child with son A. Son A has 3 dc, all in their teens, from first marriage.

Dil B has recently had 2 dc with son B.

Mil provides childcare for son b and Dil b.

On being asked by son a and dil a for childcare, mil has said she can only offer one day a week and gives it to son b’s dc as she has given time, money, effort etc to son a’s first 3 children and it is now son b’s turn to benefit. Son a and Dil feel this is favouritism and their child is being treated unfairly.

Dil b has a lot of support from her family whilst dil a does not, if that’s relevant.

Relationships are now souring.

Is anyone bu?

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 18/11/2019 17:31

@SoupDragon I guess @LimeRedBanana means because the MIL is clearly picking favourites so it does make A look slightly less entitled. Still irrelevant though really because it's MILs decision!

LimeRedBanana · 18/11/2019 17:35

It absolutely IS MIl's decision, but the picture painted in the OP is quite different from the latter description.

saraclara · 18/11/2019 17:36

OP says that A 'has just had' a child. Maybe MIL is reluctant to take on child care for a new baby, but is okay looking after a nearly at school age child?
Maybe she realises that if she takes on the baby she'll be in it for another long haul.

BlackSwanGreen · 18/11/2019 18:41

But if so, maybe she should be honest rather than say that Son A has already had enough help?

I agree that the later post from the OP makes it sound as if MIL is playing favourites. That's up to her of course, but she can't be surprised if it engenders a souring of the family relations.

DampSquid · 19/11/2019 17:59

Is there a possibility of MIL looking after A's baby who your DC start school? That might be a way of removing the perceived favouritism

DampSquid · 19/11/2019 18:00

*when
Not who Grin

Majorcollywobble · 19/11/2019 18:05

She’s that much older too - she doesn’t have to explain herself but that could be a factor . If the relationship between the brothers sours because of this it’s hardly her fault .

manicmij · 19/11/2019 18:14

MiL has no obligation to undertake childcare for either son. Son A has 3 teenage children already. Should have thought a bit more about childcare before 4th on on the scene if he expects DM to step up especially since DM is now older and little time to spare. Another example of the "I'm entitled lot". Think MiL should say No to both or only make offer to son B if she wants to continue with child caring commitments. A has had his share.

Ated · 19/11/2019 18:16

Whatever way you look at it the signs lead to favouritism and who or what has been done in the past means nothing, it's a new child. No doubt the MIL might be happier not seeing or hearing from family A.

saraclara · 19/11/2019 18:19

No doubt the MIL might be happier not seeing or hearing from family A

You're being absolutely ridiculous @Ated
There's absolutely nothing to suggest that that's the case.

billy1966 · 19/11/2019 18:21

Son A received childcare for 3 children when granny was much younger.

Son B then received it for several years with youngest now starting school.

Granny is definitely older now and doesn't wish to start the cycle AGAIN with a new baby.

Perfectly reasonable IMO.

Who would be a MIL at times.

Both sons have been hugely helped by Granny.

Son A is NOT entitled to round 2 of childcare.

Son A and DIL A need to get over themselves.

Chandler913 · 19/11/2019 18:32

Then she should supply childcare to all grandchildren or none at all.. Its not child's fault her half brothers and sisters came first so now new mil has to suffer. Yes it's favouritism

Contraceptionismyfriend · 19/11/2019 18:35

A child won't give a shiny shot that they didn't receive childcare from an infant! They won't remember!

It's not MILs problem that her son continues to populate.

She is not obligated to continue to offer free services. Her time is done.

Tessabelle74 · 19/11/2019 18:48

YABU as is the other family. Your mil has raised her kids and how she chooses to spend her free time (as that is actually what she's doing unless she's being paid) is entirely up to her. Pay for your childcare and if you can't afford it, maybe you shouldn't have had a child

nuxe1984 · 19/11/2019 19:07

Think she's being quite reasonable. She's done her bit for son A, now it's the turn of son B. She's not being unfair. And bonds are nothing to do with the quantity of time spent, more the quality.

I'm assuming you're dil1?

Spitsandspots · 19/11/2019 19:09

Relationships are now souring

Is anyone bu?

Yes. The people EXPECTING MIL to be childcare provider and being arsey about it when she declines to do so. Given your update, and as I assumed from the op, team A definately ABVU.

sauvignonblancplz · 19/11/2019 19:18

Ohhhhh OP that is a very very different picture .
I do feel for your SIL now, as an add on you sound like you’re quite smug that things are going sour, are you? New SIL on the scene, new baby. Has your child been the youngest for a while?

TheBouquets · 19/11/2019 19:18

Many GMs feel they have to do all the for their GC and a lot of it could be the only way they even get to see the children. I suppose that many just want to be Grandmother They should not be expected to do years of child care and there certainly should not be the threat of if you don't child mind you wont see the DGC. Parents need to provide for their own children

Ated · 19/11/2019 19:40

@ saraclara. I'm not being ridiculous because if the relationship is souring then a split may be a distinct possibility. Therefore she may not see the children from family A. I did not say it would happen only that she might not like it A clearly doesn't see or consider it fair and no matter what may be posted as to whether she should or not, A thinks there is an element of favouritism.

cherish123 · 19/11/2019 20:02

If she has already agreed to look after B's, she can't very well let them down. If she only has one spare day, that's all she can do. There's only one of her. I think A are being unreasonable.

Celestine70 · 19/11/2019 20:07

MIL is not being unreasonable.

SmileyGiraffe · 19/11/2019 20:09

DIL A shouldn't have had a child if she doesn't want to look after it.

BlackSwanGreen · 19/11/2019 20:13

What a surprise - the OP came back when she liked the comments, but has gone mysteriously AWOL when the more recent comments aren't in her favour Hmm

Treacletoots · 19/11/2019 20:22

My MIL very kindly gives us 1 day of childcare when DD turned 2. We are incredibly grateful of this and it saves us about 200 a month.

We pay the rest. Its more than our mortgage, but it's our DD so we are ultimately responsible for the care of our daughter not MIL!

So yes DIL is being U.

jwpetal · 19/11/2019 21:38

Grandchildren can still have a wonderful relationship with a grandparent. They have to provide childcare for that relationship to be positive. I live in another country from my parents. My children see them every 1-2 years if we are lucky. We visit. sometimes they visit. we talk on the phone etc. They are not here to provide childcare but love and that can be done. I think DIL has to realise that there are all kinds of relationships and the MIL is not saying that she won't spend time with GC just that she can't promise her every week service and that is what DIL A is asking for a service. Poor MIL she can't win.