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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is anyone BU here over childcare?

303 replies

holidayhelpp · 18/11/2019 01:09

Mil, 2 sons and 2 dils....

Dil A has recently had her first child with son A. Son A has 3 dc, all in their teens, from first marriage.

Dil B has recently had 2 dc with son B.

Mil provides childcare for son b and Dil b.

On being asked by son a and dil a for childcare, mil has said she can only offer one day a week and gives it to son b’s dc as she has given time, money, effort etc to son a’s first 3 children and it is now son b’s turn to benefit. Son a and Dil feel this is favouritism and their child is being treated unfairly.

Dil b has a lot of support from her family whilst dil a does not, if that’s relevant.

Relationships are now souring.

Is anyone bu?

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 18/11/2019 10:48

if you truly mean what you say then firstly MIL "owes" son B three lots of childcare before he is even with son A; and secondly once they have evened it out she should definitely not offer either of them any further childcare because both of them could leave their current wives and continue fathering children with new women until she's 100 - expecting her to provide childcare because she did with the first one

no, that's not what i mean at all. She is leaving this GC out. I am not saying her children should get equal amounts of hours or whatever, im saying shes done it for the rest but wont do it for this one.

If her health prevented it or whatever, fine, but she isn't doing it because she doesn't want to and he's had prev children.

That's not the new child (or in fact DIL a's) fault is it?

But that child will get treated different now because its the "second family"

maybe she should not buy that one xmas presents, because yeno she's done that for his prev children too.

Its an awful attitude to have.

Courtney555 · 18/11/2019 10:48

It's a tricky one.

I see it from the point of view that MIL has done 3x childcare for Son A, albeit a decade ago.

Now Son B has had his first, she is dedicating her one free day, to providing childcare for that GC.

But, whilst that might be a fair split for Son A and Son B, it's not fair on the GC.

GC 1,2 and 3 were all looked after by MIL previously. GC 4 is being looked after by MIL currently. GC 5 is not. He's the only one out of the 4 who misses out the bond the other 4 will have with her. It's not his fault he came last.

It's not so much about her providing childcare, than him missing the closeness the other 4 had the opportunity to build. I guess the way around that is to invite her to yours, maybe for tea twice a week, to spend time with him? Every Saturday, could you all go out together?

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/11/2019 10:48

I feel sorry for MIL.

Yabu. She owes you nothing. Im a lone parent with a disabled child and my family are dead. Count your blessings.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 18/11/2019 10:49

That grandchild is being treated differently to the rest.

And if that child’s parents do their jobs even half properly that child won’t give a shiny shite that they didn’t get a day a week childcare from granny because they will know by the age of 4 that not everyone gets exactly the same thing- people get different things according to different circumstances. They will know the mantra “you get what you get and you don’t get upset”.

Butterfly02 · 18/11/2019 10:52

I don't think it's as simple as the situation op has written each family is different, each child is different my dps first grand child was born as they turned 40 they were much more hands on than with the last grandchild because they were physically more able and also circumstances allowed fast forward to a point where they have elderly parents to care for, more grandkids and their own health issues.
My siblings and partners also have different issues one has ss involvement so my dp naturally feel the need to put more time into these gc. Health issues of my siblings and of there offspring vary and therefore needs vary.
Nobody is entitled to free childcare nobody should see it as a competition. Out of me and my siblings I definitely have paid the most out in childcare per child but I don't have issues I see it as those were the circumstances at that given time.
I'd say the big notable difference is those grandchildren whom have spent lots of time with my dp (some even lived there for several years) have a better relationship with them I hope this never comes between the cousins because my dps did the best they could for all gc. In A's position I'd be facilitating contact with mil to give mil and gc quality time to bond. Nb childcare is not always quality time for gp.

ActualHornist · 18/11/2019 10:52

Feels like the A’s need to take responsibility for their own choices and their own children rather than expecting the mother to pick up the slack.

Do you realise how lucky you are just to have engaged grandparents that live close enough, and aren’t working themselves so can help out?!

TimeIhadaNameChange · 18/11/2019 10:52

I was treated differently by my grandparents than my sister was. She's ten years older than me. She had sleepovers with them whilst I never did. I suspect she saw them a lot more too.

Do I hold it against them? No? I don't appreciate her throwing it in my face at times to illustrate that they loved her more than me - I know they didn't. The fact was that they were ten years older and would have found it harder at that point to deal with a young child overnight.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/11/2019 10:52

And if that child’s parents do their jobs even half properly that child won’t give a shiny shite that they didn’t get a day a week childcare from granny because they will know by the age of 4 that not everyone gets exactly the same thing- people get different things according to different circumstances. They will know the mantra “you get what you get and you don’t get upset”

i don't think its anything to do with the parents doing their jobs properly. my DCs GC have no relationship with him because they don't like me, and so he has missed out. I aren't arsed about the childcare, we knew we would have to pay for nursery anyway, but the relationship side? You cant fix that by saying "you get what you get and you don't get upset"

your grandparents CBA with you because you have older siblings. You cant fix that no matter how much of a brilliant parent you are.

I know DS will grow up asking why his grandma and grandad spend time with DSS and not him. As much as i can lie to him it doesn't change anything does it?

OddBoots · 18/11/2019 10:53

We have no idea what if anything was discussed with MIL before the first son's fourth child was planned, that may make a difference.

We also don't know if MIL is feeling older and more tired now and doesn't actually want to look after her second son's children but feels she has to be fair.

Boom45 · 18/11/2019 10:57

I don't think you need to treat grandchildren the same to have a good relationship with them at all. I had grandparents in my mums home country, they provided childcare for my aunties/uncles kids because they lived close by whereas I saw them in the holidays and had a different first language to them. However I was incredibly close to my grandparents and had lovely holidays with with - we loved each other dearly and I don't think them not picking me up from school every other Wednesday or whatever would've made me closer to them.

Havaina · 18/11/2019 10:57

The only thing worse than a ‘Person A and Person B’ thread is one where the OP never returns to her thread.

This thread appears to be both. So bloody annoying and pointless.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 18/11/2019 10:58

i don't think its anything to do with the parents doing their jobs properly.

Yes it is. Its a parent’s job to manage their DC expectations. Part of that means teaching children that not everyone gets the same and thats ok!

your grandparents CBA with you because you have older siblings.

Well that’s not what’s been said is it? She has limited resources and they’re already committed. Which S and DIL A will have known before having their child.

fishonabicycle · 18/11/2019 11:03

Yes. Family A. Why are poor bloody MILs EXPECTED to give up their time to look after grandchildren? She's done years of help with the teenagers, now doing the same for Family B. Why should she give up even more time to family A?

PJPests · 18/11/2019 11:04

You are not entitled to childcare from anyone. Suck it up.

OddBoots · 18/11/2019 11:08

There are many ways for parents to facilitate relationships between their children and their parents and give their children that sense of belonging if they want to, childcare is not the only way if a relationship is the genuine motivation.

IdleBet · 18/11/2019 11:08

The only thing worse than a ‘Person A and Person B’ thread is one where the OP never returns to her thread.

Agree.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/11/2019 11:13

Yes it is. Its a parent’s job to manage their DC expectations. Part of that means teaching children that not everyone gets the same and thats ok!

there's managing expectations, which yes, you should do and then there is having to explain why your grandparents favour the other GC. Because even if MIL doesn't see it like that, the GC might. DIL and Son A are probably hurt too and not just because of the money.

stucknoue · 18/11/2019 11:15

I think she's being fair actually. She's devoted a lot of time to son a already, she's offered the time she has available. If I were her I would be selfish and tell both sons to sort out their childcare!

IdleBet · 18/11/2019 11:17

Many moons ago my mum provided childcare for my sister's baby. Once he was settled in school after 4 years my baby came along so she provided childcare for me. My sister had her 2nd child within months and there was no question of mum managing both babies. My sister already arranged alternative childcare as she wouldn't have dreamed of asking her to have both or mind her baby over mine.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 18/11/2019 11:18

Firstly if you are DIL A yabu.... secondly I hope all of you appreciate your DM/SIL as she is giving and has in the past given up so much of her free time to provide the sons and dils with FREE childcare! So even if it is just one day a week you should be appreciative and I hope you show that with flowers etc every once in a while at least! Even at one day a week you are very lucky.

IdleBet · 18/11/2019 11:19

Oh and all grandchildren were treated exactly the same, no favourites at all.
Helping out with childcare is only one aspect of being a grandparent.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 18/11/2019 11:20

*MIL

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 18/11/2019 11:21

then there is having to explain why your grandparents favour the other GC.

Except they don’t. M

Because even if MIL doesn't see it like that, the GC might.

And like I said- they won’t if their parents raise them not to see a persons inability to do something for them as a statement of their feelings towards them.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/11/2019 11:23

cheesecake well we don't actually know if they do, but considering she is willing to look after all the other children and not this one, I would bet that isn't where it stops.

Cecilandsnail · 18/11/2019 11:24

I was the only cousin from my lot of then 6 to sleep over my grandparents on a weekly basis...I even had my own room 😆 my bother preferred my dad's GP so would sleep there, and my other cousins were a bit younger so not as easy to look after during their down time (weekends). I was happy to sit and watch casualty and Jonathon creek with them and was quiet and easy. They didn't do any 'childcare' (as in school pickups etc) for some of us, whilst had others were looked after regularly (ie they had one of my cousins full time m-f, then a few years after that had my younger cousins for 3 days p/w). Honestly they were wonderful caring GP who could only do what they could do with the time they had, which they were generous with. My point being, we all had totally different amounts of contact and childcare, but it Made ZERO difference to our relationship with them. Obviously when we were all there together, no one got special treatment or anything and we knew they loved us all the same. Whether or not they were childminding x cousin on whatever day was irrelevant. Wouldn't even register our child brains as 'inequality' or such nonsense. Couple A need to get a grip, pay for childcare and make an effort to visit the GP to facilitate the DC relationship with them. They can only spare 1 day and son A sounds like he's had plenty of past support so it's not favouritism.