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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is anyone BU here over childcare?

303 replies

holidayhelpp · 18/11/2019 01:09

Mil, 2 sons and 2 dils....

Dil A has recently had her first child with son A. Son A has 3 dc, all in their teens, from first marriage.

Dil B has recently had 2 dc with son B.

Mil provides childcare for son b and Dil b.

On being asked by son a and dil a for childcare, mil has said she can only offer one day a week and gives it to son b’s dc as she has given time, money, effort etc to son a’s first 3 children and it is now son b’s turn to benefit. Son a and Dil feel this is favouritism and their child is being treated unfairly.

Dil b has a lot of support from her family whilst dil a does not, if that’s relevant.

Relationships are now souring.

Is anyone bu?

OP posts:
AdelaideK · 18/11/2019 08:21

MIL is being reasonable. I can't believe relationships are souring because of this issue. How ungrateful.

00100001 · 18/11/2019 08:23

YABU.

Pay for your childcare with a proper childminder/nanny/nursery.

Let grandma be grandma and take your kid to the park for an hour or so, let her buy them toys because she can, or make crispy cakes with them. Fun stuff. Not childcare.

LendAnEar · 18/11/2019 08:24

I can see it from all point of views TBH and dont think anyone is really BU.

Son/DIL A have no other support so have more of a need for MIL. Plus baby A will be missing out on going to Granny's compared to other DC. Can you imagine explaining that tona 3yo? Sorry you can't go to granny's, she's looking after your cousins.

Sob/DIL B have an existing arrangement that has been working well and now someone wants to change that.

Honestly, I think the best solution here is for MIL to just stop minding all GC! Enjoy some time to herself and see GCs for visits.

KnightandDay · 18/11/2019 08:24

I agree with the majority here that MIL is being fair to both her children, but can understand why DIL A is feeling put out.
I want OP to come back and say who they are, and give their reasons for who they think is right.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 18/11/2019 08:25

Everyone apart from mil is being unreasonable. Childcare is a massive favour not a right to demand.

Hydrogenbeatsoxygen · 18/11/2019 08:28

Anyone who asks their MIL for childcare other than the odd occasion here and there is being unreasonable. She’s done her child-rearing and should be allowed to enjoy her retirement without all this aggro

This ^ with bells on!

MissMarpletheMurderer · 18/11/2019 08:29

LendAnEar the child can go to granny's just not for daycare. I paid for childcare where my sil used my parents, all now grown but kids all have the same relationship now.

NoSauce · 18/11/2019 08:30

But the MIL is being fair, she’s offered one day a week as it’s all she has available.

Fucking hell cut the woman some slack. I hope she’s one of these women who actually enjoy looking after small children and not that she’s too scared to say no.

She must be knackered.

wasthataburp · 18/11/2019 08:31

If she's already helped the first lot of grandchildren when they were young it's now time to help the new lot of grandchildren. It's not favouritism at all it's just being fair

Glacecherrychops · 18/11/2019 08:33

I think son A is BU expecting his Mum to look after his FOURTH child, and complaining when she is instead looking after his brothers two children.

If he can afford four children, why can't he afford a childminder/nursery?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 18/11/2019 08:36

Speaking as a GP who does childcare, if MiL only feels willing/able to help out one day a week, then IMO it's only fair to give that one day to the DC who hasn't had help before. And it sounds as if other DC has had a lot of help in the past.

OP doesn't say how old MiL is, but childcare can be extremely tiring when you're getting on a bit!

Tensixtysix · 18/11/2019 08:37

Why should any other relative look after your kids? They have a life as well, they may even have to work to support themselves.
When my DDs were small we had three sets of grandparents, but NONE of them ever had our DDs overnight, as they were either too ill or didn't have the room.
A lady in our street had five children and now they've all had kids themselves.
They drop ALL the kids at her house each morning (4) and I kid you not, you don't see or hear them all day (even in the summer).
Doesn't take them out in the car either.
She has massive dogs and chain smokes all day.
How is that a healthy environment?
Get a childminder or nanny, relatives aren't always suitable.

Iamallatsea · 18/11/2019 08:38

I bet DS A wouldn’t be thinking it was unfair if he had been given the benefit of help with his first 3 children, and then his DM had gotten too old or infirm to help with his brothers children.

Wubbawubba · 18/11/2019 08:39

Imagine being an adult
In an adult relationship
Having consensual sex
Getting pregnant as a result
Expecting somebody else to care for your children, for free
And souring relationships with family when they won't because they want to, you know, have their own life Shock

You all need go put your kids in childcare and pay for a nice holiday for your MIL. How terribly ungrateful. She's done her time rearing her own children, contributed to rearing 3 of son A's children and is now contributing to rearing son B's children, and people are falling our with her as a result? Terrible.

TinyTear · 18/11/2019 08:40

Being an older parent with much older parents, i never had help with childcare.

i'm with the MIL and even so I think she should be enjoying her life with no regular commitments

Bluelightdistrict · 18/11/2019 08:40

Expecting somebody else to care for your children, for free

No one is entitled to free childcare.

Have children, look after them.

Nonnymum · 18/11/2019 08:43

Mil is not obliged to provide childcare. Offering childcare is not a responsibility of the grandparents. If she already provides it for sonB it may be too much for her also to provide it for son. Perhaps she can just have a niormal Grandparent relationship with son As baby rather than that of carer?

LannisterLion1 · 18/11/2019 08:44

Family a are unreasonable. It sounds like they assumed they were entitled to childcare because MIL used to look after the older siblings.

What did they expect? MIL to take on all the children or to drop family b's? Why can't they use paid childcare? What support does dil a need that son a does not? Is she on mat leave and wants a break some weeks or us it just naturally assumed the support is for her, rather then both parents who work?

ssd · 18/11/2019 08:44

Op isn't coming back as she doesn't like these answers

EmpressJewel · 18/11/2019 08:53

I agree with the majority of posters. Poor MIL, she doing loads for her DS' and yet she just can't win.

The only issue is the reason being given to DS/SIL A. I think that MIL should have said she can't help out because she already has an arrangement with DS/SIL B.

I can see why DIL is upset, but the DS should acknowledge that he already had lots of help over the years and

saraclara · 18/11/2019 08:59

If A's first three kids are all in their teens, this poor grandmother seems to have spent most of the last 15-20 years doing childcare for her sons' kids! FFS give the woman a break.

I doubt that she came out with the 'I've already done childcare for your family, A' thing until she was pushed on why she was saying no this time.

I can't put over strongly enough just how awful I think it is that grandparents are now expected to give up their retirement to care for theur grandkids, and that offence is taken when they don't.

Seriously. this woman has spent the best part of TWO DECADES lookng after her grandkids, and still she's seen as being unreasonable.

8Iris8 · 18/11/2019 09:01

Family A are the unreasonable ones - it's not MiL's problem that son A has had two families. It would be blatant favouritism if MiL didn't prioritise son B's childcare needs now (although agree with PPs she isn't actually obliged to give anyone childcare).

edwinbear · 18/11/2019 09:01

MIL has done her bit for Son A, it's time for her to help Son B now.

RoseMartha · 18/11/2019 09:03

I was unable to have childcare from my parents for my dc when they were younger as my parents already did childcare for my sister. I just accepted it. It was not possible for my in laws to do childcare for us. That's just how life is sometimes.

Snaga · 18/11/2019 09:05

MIL is being entirely fair. She's not offering free childcare based on the grandchildren. She's offering childcare based on her children. She's already provided a substantial amount of childcare for Son A.

Now she wants Son B to have the same benefit from her. That Son A decided to start a new family with another woman is not MIL's responsibility. She is being more than fair, especially as one day a week is still being offered to Son A.

Son A and DIL A should be ashamed of themselves.