Is anyone BU here over childcare?

[holidayhelpp]

Mil, 2 sons and 2 dils....

Dil A has recently had her first child with son A. Son A has 3 dc, all in their teens, from first marriage.

Dil B has recently had 2 dc with son B.

Mil provides childcare for son b and Dil b.

On being asked by son a and dil a for childcare, mil has said she can only offer one day a week and gives it to son b’s dc as she has given time, money, effort etc to son a’s first 3 children and it is now son b’s turn to benefit. Son a and Dil feel this is favouritism and their child is being treated unfairly.

Dil b has a lot of support from her family whilst dil a does not, if that’s relevant.

Relationships are now souring.

Is anyone bu?

I was a young single mother. My grandmother used to come and stay, help look after my son. As he got to be about 5 yrs old, he would often then go to stay at her house for a week in the spring and a week in the summer. She lived in a retirement community with swimming pool and all sorts of activities that he loved to do (and he was permitted). By the time by sister had children, no way could our grandmother offer this type of help as by then she was much older and not nearly as healthy as she had been when my son was small. Grandmother did not do sane for my sister (nor for any of my children I had heard later). That doesn’t make it unfair, it’s life.

In the OP, the grandmother is already providing childcare that she is capable of doing to B’s child. She has already provided childcare to the older children of A. It’s unfair to the grandmother to expect her to be able to either stop providing childcare B’s DC to provide childcare to A’s second family (unfair to B and B’s children) and unfair to the grandmother to consider has should have all the grandchildren together. Perhaps she could not cope with that many little ones at once. That’s a big ask.

Perhaps, when B’s children move into nursery school, and if grandmother is still physically able, she can help A with childcare.

In the meantime, if A is concerned about bond with their child and grandmother, perhaps socialising/visiting rather than provision of childcare can take place. Plenty of children have great relationships with their grandparents without these grandparents focusing childcare. (I did. I was also much, much closer to one grandmother and that was mainly on our personalities clicking.)

MiL not unreasonable.

MIL is quite reasonable to say she has a pre-existing arrangement with son B and can't manage any more. But it's a bit shit to say that the childcare quota was used up by the elder DC of family A so there's none left for younger DC.

Was that me @RedHelenB? Absolutely not! Children are their parents responsibility. I would be mortified if I had to go cap in hand to my parents or in laws for childcare fees even if they had helped other family members. We're not entitled to GPs time or bank accounts.

With this little background, I say MIL is being unreasonable and displaying a clear case of favourtism

How do you work that out? MIL has done her bit for son A by looking after his 3 dc from his first marriage.

I feel sorry for her. She sounds put on.

MIL is not being unreasonable.

However I can see why DIL A is feeling unsupported as DIL B also gets help from her own parents while she is getting none from either side.

Do the sons live close enough together to combine childcare, eg Son A takes his child to son B’s house for one day a week and MIL looks after all three children there?

I don't know who is being U but I do feel a bit sorry for the one grandchild who won't get as much time with granny. I spent lots of time with mine and had a lovely relationship up to her death. That's the one sad thing. Nobody has a right to expect childcare from a grandparent.

I also get MIL has her hands full with 2 kids and a third would be a lot. Still no excuse

She doesn't need excuses. She doesn't have to do anything.

MyOtherProfile MIL has said she will have the GC once a week! Plus she can see it when the parents bring it round.

Mil inbu as she has helped son a already and is now helping son b in the same way.

However son b could help his dB out if he has access to other childcare through his dw family, but that would be a favour and he inbu if he doesn't want to.

Childcare from grandparents is a favour, not a right. If she already gives all the time she has spare , she's already being very generous, she doesn't have any more to give, she doesn't have to give anything, and yabu, I think. Presumably she is still seeing and having a relationship with the child, it's just about not getting free childcare.

Not all grandparents who provide childcare are being exploited. I was financially able and ready to pay for nursery or a childminder but my parents nagged me to let them do it until I gave in out of exhaustion (I pay them, of course, and that money helped them afford retirement when they would otherwise still be in paid employment). Some grandparents are happily finished with their child-rearing. Others have been waiting for grandchildren ever since they had their own "last baby" and can't wait to reserve as much time as possible alone with them (c.f. all the Mumsnet threads re "AIBU to tell my DM that she can't have my three week old baby for overnights yet?).

But yes, I agree that the grandparent has an absolute right to say "no" for whatever reason, so MIL is not being unreasonable.

It's all very well talking about equality between grandchildren, but this isn't a Christmas present. It's a very significant and tiring time commitment. People get older and the reality is they tend to be able to manage less. It isn't like spending twenty quid on a toy.

Perhaps it's FIL's turn to help with childcare

MIL has reared her kids and should now be living her elder years in peace. She only has so much to offer - take it or leave it.

Speaking as someone who has no family around, NC with my own and DH family live 600 miles away, I can only dream of having family close by (just to have a cup of tea with let alone pester for free childcare!!)

Pay for childcare like everyone else. It’s not favouritism if she’s already helped with the older children. You sound entitled

So she only does one day and B still needs her? It does seems harsh that she is expected to change that now

I think this is made worse by the fact that a has no other support so I don’t think I anyone is being unreasonable

only offer one day a week
One day a week a free childcare is massive!

MIL should leave them all, go off and have a long holiday somewhere where someone can look after her for a while. How much is this poor woman doing?

Family A and family B are being unreasonable to expect the MIL to look after their children and to fight about it as if it is some kind of entitlement. Sounds like she has done more than her fair share already. If family A knew MIL was already looking after two small kids on a regular basis they should not have expected her to look after this new dc. Work our your own childcare arrangements and pay for it like most people have to. I also think family B are too demanding of her time as it sounds like she doesn’t have much time for herself based on the OP.

No grandparent owes anyone free childcare ffs

She has given a huge amount of time to provide childcare for Son A’s kids already, and now has an existing arrangement to provide childcare for Son B. She quite reasonably doesn’t want to give up another day a week indefinitely, or add a third child to her existing day.

Son A and DIL A need to accept that she owes them nothing, and that their child is their responsibility. I’m sure they didn’t consult MIL when they decided to have a baby!

What a ridiculous situation, not how I'd be spending my retirement. And where's FIL in all this? Or is it just down to the woman to see to young children?

What's the alternative? Drop B's children in favour of A's? Realistically she probably can't alternate as it wouldn't work for nursery.

Personally I think it sounds fine, she is trying to be equal to her kids. If she helped in another way e.g. a house deposit, she wouldn't be expected to do it again. I can see the other side though.

Grandparents don’t owe anyone free childcare.

Son A has already had the benefit of help with THREE children. Makes no difference that he now has a baby with a second wife. He’s had his share of help.

I think noone is entitled to free childcare from their parents or in-laws.

I see why MIL says she is doing it now for son b - she is under no obligation to offer the help and she should not feel obliged to offer childcare to son a.

Why does son a not use a nursery? You cannot possibly expect your parents to offer childcare for all 4 of them.

I think it is fair and square that MIL draws the line somewhere and son a already had shedloads of help.

One day a week a free childcare is massive!

It is.

Also, OP hadn't said why it's "only" one day a week. Maybe mother-in-law works, or has other caring responsibilities such as for an elderly parent. Or, maybe she just doesn't want to spend her life caring for kids.