Is anyone BU here over childcare?

[holidayhelpp]

Mil, 2 sons and 2 dils....

Dil A has recently had her first child with son A. Son A has 3 dc, all in their teens, from first marriage.

Dil B has recently had 2 dc with son B.

Mil provides childcare for son b and Dil b.

On being asked by son a and dil a for childcare, mil has said she can only offer one day a week and gives it to son b’s dc as she has given time, money, effort etc to son a’s first 3 children and it is now son b’s turn to benefit. Son a and Dil feel this is favouritism and their child is being treated unfairly.

Dil b has a lot of support from her family whilst dil a does not, if that’s relevant.

Relationships are now souring.

Is anyone bu?

Son A/DIL A are being very unreasonable. MIL has already provided childcare for 3 of the DC of one son, it's her other son's turn now.

MILIBVVVR.

Why are her son's having kids that they can't afford childcare for?

@MatildaTheCat are you OP with a name change?

@MatildaTheCat sorry I thought you said she was being unreasonable. I got confused by the Vs

DIL A was rude to ask for childcare and sounds an absolute nightmare tbh!

To say that relationships are souring because of this is incredible. The A's sounds so self-absorbed I doubt the wider family will put much effort into any reconcilation unfortunately. Let's hope that they somehow see the thread perhaps the OP will return before it gets deletion on some spurious grounds because the OP doesn't like the responses.

It is a shame when a family breaks up over such groundless over-entitlement though, but hard to see where it could go otherwise.

The deletion messages for threads the OP's don't like are always: 'OP had some real life concerns about the thread so we are taking it down,'

@GiveHerHellFromUs

Another who thinks MIL is being completely reasonable.

In fact, to make things really fair (which is what DIL1 wants, surely?) MIL shouldn't look after another of DS1's children until DS2 has had a third looked after by MIL. How does that sound to DIL1?????

MIL is being reasonable and fair to her 2 sons (in fact, A has still had more childcare as he had 3 DC compared to B's 2). However, she is not being fair on the youngest grandchild and will never grow as close to that child as to the others which is a massive shame. But if she only has one day a week then that's all she has and what can she do? She can't magic up extra hours! Maybe she could look after A's youngest DC one day a week once B's DC are at school. But I think a solution (or not) needs to come from MIL rather than be forced upon her.

Son and DIL A are being very unreasonable. They should pay for childcare! I can't believe they (you) just expected it.

What did you expect people to say OP? 'Yeah, what a bitch for giving up years of her life to look after other people's children AND only offer to give free childcare one day a week?' Why isn't she caring for all your children 7 days a week the lazy bugger?

I think MIL is being a bit of an arse towards DIL A, considering they were not her children that MIL looked after in the first place.

I would be pissed off at that to be honest, and feel like the other 2 wives were part of the family and I wasn't. I would imagine DIL A gets left out in other ways as well because she's not the first wife, I bet the child does too.

MIL is being very reasonable and generous here. She has already assisted son A with childcare for previous children, she is now giving the same assistance to son B. At the end of the day grandparents want to help with childcare not only so they spend time with their grandchild but to help their children out financially. Both children have benefited from this arrangement.

As long as she is spending time with the new child of son A then she is being totally fair. As is dil B.

The sense of entitlement around the entire issue beggars belief. The MIL doesn’t owe childcare to anyone! She’s had her own children and the responsibility that goes with it...let her just be a grandmother and enjoy that relationship, not be a child minder.

I don’t think this particular thread is a good example of it (because in fact the MIL in question has helped out both sons) but I can see the pitfalls of a grandparent providing free childcare for one child but not all of them. Given that childcare costs a bomb, that would be the financial equivalent of giving one child tens of thousands as a house deposit and not the other. But in this case the MIL has helped out both her sons. And the bottom line anyway is that she shouldn’t be expected to have all the restrictions of living her own life around childcare.

I think MIL is being a bit of an arse towards DIL A, considering they were not her children that MIL looked after in the first place

You mean DIL A is being an arse to her MIL surely? They were MILs GC

So son A had had 3 children already cared for by MIL? And now she is looking after son B's 2 children?

Sounds fair to me.

Looks like OP dissapeared - I suppose we can guess who she is in this scenario.

Hope it gave you some food for thought, OP

A couple of PP have mentioned that A's child won't be as close to MIL if she doesn't provide childcare. From my own experience, with one set of GP looking after me and DB very regularly and the other set unable to do so because of distance, this isn't the case. I had an equally close and loving relationship with all.

DIL/Son A are being U. MIL is being pretty fair and generous imo

@Bollykecks are you joking? This woman has given up a least a decadeish to provide childcare for HER children. If OP has a problem then she can pay for it. More cool her for having a child with 3 step children. Her child isn't the first and there is no clean slate.

Sounds like Son and DIL A assumed MIL would be providing free childcare without ever actually asking her if she would. Very entitled of them. Son a has already had a lot of childcare from her. He needs to do some himself now.

Poor mil. Already provides years of help for the 3 teen grandkids, offered to help with younger son's child one day a week probably in the interests of fairness. No wonder she has put down boundaries.
You would be an utter fool to let this sour relations.

It's a huge eye opener how entitled and selfish some people are when it comes to their parents/money/childcare. Pay for your own childcare or work less hours, take a pay cut and look after the child you chose to have. My parents are in their early 60's, fit and healthy and they don't do any days. They see them when we visit, which usually 2 or 3 times a week for a bit, with me there to help. Maybe a bit longer on weekends. I don't blame them they are extremely energetic and hard work!

So many grandparents a lot older and more frail than my parents doing the school run looking knackered and worn out with multiple little screaming kids. I know some of them may love it but some people take the piss massively with it. I'll do my bit when if I'm ever a granny but don't think I'd do full days.

"offered to help with younger son's child one day a week"

I read it as only has one day a week to give & B's children get it.

If she has actually offered one day a week, wtf are the moaning about?

yes @nosauce but the DIL A's child is also MILs grandchild but she isn't interested in that child clearly.