Is anyone BU here over childcare?

[holidayhelpp]

Mil, 2 sons and 2 dils....

Dil A has recently had her first child with son A. Son A has 3 dc, all in their teens, from first marriage.

Dil B has recently had 2 dc with son B.

Mil provides childcare for son b and Dil b.

On being asked by son a and dil a for childcare, mil has said she can only offer one day a week and gives it to son b’s dc as she has given time, money, effort etc to son a’s first 3 children and it is now son b’s turn to benefit. Son a and Dil feel this is favouritism and their child is being treated unfairly.

Dil b has a lot of support from her family whilst dil a does not, if that’s relevant.

Relationships are now souring.

Is anyone bu?

I'm with the MIL. She has only one day to offer and is already looking after 2 children (having previously looked after 3 for Son A)

Yabu

Why cant you all just use a nursery or childminder? Instead it sounds like you are al running a mil into the ground.

MIL has not shown favouritism.

She has already provided 3 lots of childcare for son A, DIL A would of known this before having child 4 with Son A.
it’s now son Bs turn who she has exsisting childcare arrangement with.

I’d imagine she’s getting older as well if the first 3 grandchildren are teens so finds it more difficult and tiring then before.

But it's a bit shit to say that the childcare quota was used up by the elder DC of family A so there's none left for younger DC.

Son A should of thought about this before he went ahead and had a FOURTH child. MIL providing childcare for 3 of this children was already a massive help.

Him and DIL A are entitled and Son A is ungrateful, he should fully realise he has had his turn and it was his choice to go on and have yet another child by another women years later.

They need to sort themselves out.

Why do so many people expect ‘free’ childcare from their parents? If you can’t afford children .... don’t have them. Blunt but true.

I would never have dreamed of expecting my parents or ILs to provide childcare, and I sincerely hope my own DS doesn’t expect it of me in the future.

Most of won’t be retiring until at least our late 60s, many of us are caring for elderly parents as it is ... surely retirement should be a time of doing something for yourself, whether that is volunteering in the community, travelling, playing golf or whatever.

MIL doesn’t have to provide childcare for anyone if she feels like it.

Son a has had years of free childcare for three children.

It’s son b’s turn.

It is irrelevant that soon A’s fourth child is his wife’s second.

Mile isn’t saying she doesn’t want a relationship with baby number 4, she is saying she doesn’t have time to provide more free childcare, that is perfectly reasonable. Son a shouldn’t be relying on his mother to provide free childcare for four children. It’s too much.

Does dil a have childcare from her dm?

But it's a bit shit to say that the childcare quota was used up by the elder DC of family A so there's none left for younger DC

she is giving someone a favour. when did parents become obliged to offer free child are.

son a had already 3 lots of childcare. If he cannot be arsed to sort it themselves, maybe he should have stopped procreating? and what about dil's mum? if they see parents under obligation, why is it just the son's mum?

Not having a child for full days every week doesnt mean they wont have such a strong bond with their grandchild.
My in laws have provided regular childcare for all my nieces and nephews to some degree, but not for my DD because I'm a SAHM. DD absolutely loves her grandparents and then enjoy seeing her more because it's just for a few hours of fun rather than a whole day or 2 per week where they have to change nappies and do all the harder stuff.

DIL A is BU.
The MIL is helping her sons, she has helped son A in the past, now she is helping son b and doesn’t feel like she can help both at the same time (fair enough).

Poor MIL, sounds like you ALL expect her to be free childcare for the rest of her life!

She's bloody done enough, raising her own children and helping out with her teen grandchildren.

I honestly can't believe the entitlement of some people expecting grandparents to provide regular childcare. Pay for a nursery or childminder, it's not MIL's responsibility.

My mum still works full time, I would never have had DS expecting her to do childcare.

Unless you are actually MIL, in which case YANBU!

MIL is being perfectly reasonable.

Hmm I’d say for the mil it is the fairest way to do it, she’s offered 3 children’s worth of free childcare for his first 3 children for 1 son, it’s the other son’s turn now. You might think that that is unfair on you as you aren’t the mother of the other 3 children but it’s the best way for your mil to pick and chose who she looks after. She isn’t obliged to look after anyone’s children though you do realise, hope you weren’t relying on her to do childcare without discussing it with her first.

Just searched OP. She's definitely DIL A. Don't think she'll be coming back 😂

I think it's fair, but could easily come across that MIL disapproves of DS having new relationship and a DC from that. Has she explained why she is doing one day ( I'm not going to say only as its still a lot) and I don't mean in terms of what she's already given to DS older DCs but more the tiredness aspect of looking after small DCs for a day.

My SIL is very aware of this issue as DIL has just had DD and SIL works 4 days a week, but says she doesn't want to be tied down to looking after her DGD on her day off. I think part of her reasoning is that she has 4 DCs so whatever she offers to one would be expected by the others when and if they needed it.

MIL is right. She's already looking after two dc, she's done childcare for years now what with first the two ds, then first ds's kids, now second ds's two kids, and now first ds has had yet another baby they have asked for childcare (cheeky in itself - you wait to be offered, not ask) but mil is already doing it for 2 other dc. I'm exhausted with 3 kids and I'm assuming I'm younger than MIL, expecting her to looking after 3 kids when she's already done all that for years before isn't fair tbh.

Be grateful for what you have. ‘Just’ one day a week is a saving of something like £200 a month at a nursery - more in some areas. A lot of us pay for all childcare ourselves and don’t get any regular help. If ‘just’ one day a week was offered I would be so, so grateful.

How many years has this poor MIL been doing childcare? So son whatever letter decides to have a second family and expects her to start from scratch with him??

Son and dil A are being unreasonable. Mil has already given son a his share of her time for his older children. It is son b's turn to have childcare.

Did you (assuming you are dil a) expect childcare and things are souring as you has assumed help would be forthcoming and her refusal has damaged your plans?

DIL A sounds like a total arse. Nobody is entitled to free childcare. And for “relations to be souring” demonstrates how entitled Son A and/or DIL A are.

MIL has put her hours in for son A, and is now helping son B. She has no obligation to take on another child. If you’re going to have children, it’s worth having a better childcare plan in place than exploiting a GP and getting pissed off when they can’t commit to the exploitation.

Everyone except MIL is being unreasonable.

No one should expect free childcare and certainly shouldn't whinge that they're not getting enough of it when they've been given it.

As for the poor new grandchild not having a close relationship with their grandparent- a lot of families (mine included) get around that by visiting regularly, taking GPs on holiday etc, where the GPs and grandchildren can enjoy time together.

MIL should cancel her free childcare service for everyone IMO and make them pay to have their children looked after.

Genuinely confused as to how MIL is being said to be unreasonable. How about don’t have children if you can’t sort their childcare? Is she a servant?

Jesus, who'd be a MIL?