To not contribute more money?

[moneyistheroot]

DP and I have just had a disagreement over money.
We are engaged to be married, no kids.
We are in the process of buying our very long term home. We already own together.

I'm 25 and currently earn £60k in finance. It's gruelling, stressful and has long hours. I'll be on £100k+ by 30.

DP is a teacher on £40k and is 30. He will struggle to match my income.

Our lives are lived similarly, DP does extra tuition which makes our net pay similar. We live as to what the lowest earner could afford. For the majority of the relationship I was the low earner (studying). He never paid for more, we always split equally.

He has just said he expects me to contribute more to our household financially when I begin to earn significantly more. I disagree. When we have kids it would be joint but I wouldn't work my hours now and would take a pay cut, so likely to be equal.

I don't think I should sacrifice the extra money pre-children when I don't have as much pension contribution and I'd like to buy nice things for myself etc.

So who is BU?

When he earned substantially more than you he was happy for you to split 50/50. Now he's expecting you to pay more in the reverse situation? YANBU.

You don’t sound very compatible. Or like you like each other that much.

FWIW, you should be sticking as much as you can afford into your pension . I understand the desire to have nice things and experiences since you missed out when you were growing up. Invest in yourself - your pension, a LISA, a good coat, watch and handbag, travel (you can treat him if you’re feeling generous, though if he’s frittered his money away I’m not sure I would be).

As you say, he’s got £1000/month to play with - it would be different if he was starving after paying his half of the bills.

@LolaSmiles hit the nail on the head. If the tables were turned and he was the higher earner and OP was on here saying she thinks he should contribute more there would be loads of people shouting about financial abuse and LTBs. Typical, double standard mumsnet. YABU OP, you are planning to marry this man so start acting like a team.

I would put your extra income into more pension for your future. He didn’t share with you when he earned more income. Ask him why?

There's tens of threads on here where people are quick to tell women that as they earn less, their higher earning DP should be paying more for bills. More often than not the line is that whoever earns most should pay a proportionate share.

Exactly. There's a screamingly obvious double standard being applied here.
And the student/early relationship thing has no relevance to now. It would be very odd for anyone in the early stages of a job and a relationship to be heavily subsidising a student girl/boyfriend. The student loan is there for a student's living expenses. It IS their income.

YANBU. I agree with Bluntness100's take on this.

There is a million pound pension cap and so if the Op is going to be high earner that needs to be considered.

It depends whether you want a partnership or housemate.
Partnership means sharing, it means equality, it means supporting each other.

What stops him progressing and earning more?

You say he has £1000 disposable income at the moment, OP. What will he have left over when you've bought this 'forever home'? I suspect a lot less if you're buying a family home in or near London.

I think it depends on the difference in income really.
If when he was higher earner and you the lower but still split 50/50 and the difference was less than £10kyr. So him £30k, you £20k. That’s understandable.

But, You can’t then demand it stay 50/50 when you are making substantially to more than twice what he does as in. £20 to £60k MORE a year compared to him. That would be unreasonable.

When he earned more, and split 50/50 - what exactly was your relationship?

It appears you were living together, but that is a long way from being engaged, which you now are.

Had you been engaged then, too, I would say that your DP was being U expecting you to contribute the same to the joint finances. I would have said he should contribute more because he was earning more. But you WEREN'T engaged - you were just living together.

It is different now - you ARE engaged. There is an expectation here that you are committing yourselves to each other for life. Of course you shouldn't hoard your cash to yourself - if you love your DP enough to share your life with him, why can't you share more of your income?

I agree the age and seriousness of the relationship matter too. Lolasmiles wrote it out perfectly.
It’s not like a committed we’re going to marry/partner and have children relationship is retroactive. In early years, it’s usually 50/50 until you make that commitment to each other.

YANBU. He didn’t subsidise you as a student (has he said why?) , he’s not planning to subsidise your maternity leave (I’d dump him for this), but wants to share your wage now?
Incidentally, if you are saving for maternity leave, I would classify that as a joint expense unless you are planning to find someone else to be the father. If it’s his baby you’re planning (down the track) he contributes financially. Total dealbreaker. If he wants to go parttime with baby once you return he can live off his parttime salary if you have to live off your savings to actually have the baby.
I don’t like the sound of him.

I'll never understand the people who want to drag in other threads to discussions like these so they can whine about how unfair the women are on MN.

OP will earn less when she has kids with this man. She'll take a significant pay cut to bear and raise his kids. You can bet it will be long-term.
He's a spender, she's a saver. So her contributions will likely go to unnecessary purchases.
He isn't destitute and they live a comfortable life well within his means.
She has a non-state pension she needs to contribute to.
For the majority of the relationship, she was the low earner and paid 50% and he was fine with that.

Why on earth should she contribute more at this point?

I think you are right to be wary. But do tell us: what did he say when you said ‘hang on a second, when I earned nothing you still expected me to contribute half and you didn’t contribute any more’?

I really hope you did bloody well point this out to him! You need to absolutely kill this off right now. What a cheeky fucker!

So teaching on top of additional tuition isn't stressful and gruelling?? My god, you're going to be in for a shock when you have kids! As the lower earner, perhaps he would be the one who would like to stay at home and raise the kids (esp with his experience with children).

I absolutely agree that how things were organised financially when you met us and should be different to how things are financially when you first mive in together/buy a house, and then should change again on marriage and then perhaps again on having children.

You need a cohesive strategy for your lives, both financially and emotionally and practically.

You’re getting hitched - presumably you’re taking the ‘for now and forever’ bit seriously?

So sort out pension contributions do it’s equitable and you’re both building a fund comparable with each other. Overpay the mortgage so you can take your foot off the gas during the expensive childcare years. Have equal spending money and equal responsibilities and shared goals.

You’re projecting way into the future with the ‘when I’m at home with the children’ without sorting out the here and now and not getting into patterns that won’t help your marriage.

Financial troubles can be the death of good relationships. Get on the same page by establishing some shared goals and priorities.

You deserve those nice things, you've trained and worked hard for them. He's just jealous now and wants you to treat him. Tell him to fuck off he's a leech.

Were you earning at all when you were studying? If so, what was the salary difference when you were equally contributing? Although I don't agree, If it was still affordable for you to contribute equally then I see why this was never an issue at the time.
That said, in 5 years time if you're on £100k and he's still on £40k then he's never going to be able to live the lifestyle you'll want if he's expected to contribute 50%. My DH & I contribute the percentage of earnings into the household. If we were in your position it would be the one on £100k contributing 70% and the one on £40k contributing 30% to the outgoings. You're a partnership, facing life together and setting up a future for yourselves; surely that's what you do when you're in this together?

What happens when you see a nice big house you want, but the mortgage absolutely skints your DH because you're insisting on it still being 50/50 because of how it was when you were studying?

Sorry OP, just saw you weren't earning at all. There's no way you should have been contributing 50/50 back then, but going forward, I do believe it should be proportionate to what you're both earning.

My DH earns twice as much as me. He has more expensive hobbies. We share all our money and bills. Is it more common for woman to feel done if they have to pay more if they earn more?

I think he sounds very grabby, to be honest.

And I'd be very sure we were singing from the same hymn sheet before having children...............

I vehemently disagree with anyone stating the double standard argument. They are ultimately forgetting the glass ceiling women are still trying to get through, the extra work being a woman in a male dominated work place ensues and that most of this will be given up the moment I have children because I will take on the responsibility, as a woman. That's standard.

*I take it you have mentioned all of this to him?
What has he said?
My husband earned more than me when we got together and paid more then things switched - tell him this is how it works and ask him what will happen when you have children? *

I can sort of see why he didn't contribute more prior to you making a long-term commitment to each other (although it wasn't nice of him) but you need to make it clear that now that you ARE a committed couple, contributions will have to change based on your situations in life.

DH and I started out close to equal and we each put the same % of our incomes into the joint pot; he then did a graduate degree so I paid all the bills while he studied; we moved for his new, well-paying job, I did a graduate degree and we started a family, so he paid all the bills; now we're back to percentages from each.

Things need to shift as your circumstances change - as long as your DH is on board with this, it'll be fine. I would also consider having him taking paternity leave and cutting his hours when you have a family. It sounds as if you'll always have the greater earning potential and it'll make more financial sense.

I think the fundamental problem is that this wasn’t a partnership before. Now conveniently the upcoming marriage means it’s going to be a partnership. Really? Now that the OP stands to lose and he stands to gain. How bloody convenient for him.

We see threads here every single day about women get fucked over. Sorry but he wasn’t interested in being fair before. I doubt very much he is interested in being fair now. So it’s not unreasonable to assume the OP will get fucked over here.

She would be a fool to not be very wary.