To not contribute more money?

[moneyistheroot]

DP and I have just had a disagreement over money.
We are engaged to be married, no kids.
We are in the process of buying our very long term home. We already own together.

I'm 25 and currently earn £60k in finance. It's gruelling, stressful and has long hours. I'll be on £100k+ by 30.

DP is a teacher on £40k and is 30. He will struggle to match my income.

Our lives are lived similarly, DP does extra tuition which makes our net pay similar. We live as to what the lowest earner could afford. For the majority of the relationship I was the low earner (studying). He never paid for more, we always split equally.

He has just said he expects me to contribute more to our household financially when I begin to earn significantly more. I disagree. When we have kids it would be joint but I wouldn't work my hours now and would take a pay cut, so likely to be equal.

I don't think I should sacrifice the extra money pre-children when I don't have as much pension contribution and I'd like to buy nice things for myself etc.

So who is BU?

For me the difference in salary is a red herring and the real problem is that you and your DP have different approaches to money.

When I met my now DH he was a spender and I was and still am a saver. We earned similar amounts but I had a house and he did not. We discussed how money would work between us, our approaches and found a middle ground. You need to speak and agree how best to work things going forward and your ideas/plans for a family. Your DP has enough surplus cash at the end of the month to afford to contribute £100 to paying down the mortgage, has he suggested you both do this or is it just your surplus money that he would like to be prescriptive with?

In my view paying down the mortgage in a time of low interest rates is not the best use of excess money. Paying off your student debts and paying as much into your pension as you can afford is wise, particularly at your age (compound interest is your friend!).

You should both also be thinking about short, medium and long term savings/investments. I wouldn't appreciate it if my DP was looking at my available earnings and suggesting where it should be spent. Especially if a wider conversation about future finances hadn't taken place.

Ask your DP a hypothetical question; if he were to inherit £50k what would he do with the money? His answer may be quite revealing of his general attitude towards what's yours and what's his. If his answer is pay down the mortgage then it shows a willingness to put his money towards mutually beneficial pursuits. If his answer solely benefits him then strong conversations need to happen.

Have you actually asked him why he didn't contribute more when he was earning more? I know you said you both live to the standard of the lower earner but it sounds like you had very little spare money when he was the higher earner and now it's the same for him. But i I you need to talk to him again, including why he wants separate bank accounts, what's he hiding?

He wants to keep our finances separate forever EXCEPT for when I'm on a lot more to use that excess to decrease the mortgage.

The crux of your disagreement seems to be that you don’t want to use higher earnings to decrease the mortgage, and he would if you agreed.

Get your pensions to an equivalent level. Get a good amount of savings in case of job loss, which can also help with maternity/going part-time etc. Then overpay the mortgage.

I think if you’re both fundamentally happy and compatible financially (are you?) this is just a difference I priorities.

He’s not trying to profit off you, he’s just seeing that you can invest more quickly in an asset. You don’t have to pay down mortgage to invest though - stock market would probably be better if interest rates on mortgages stay low.

Gosh I find some of these stances so sad. We have never done anything via percentages. That’s not a partnership works in my view. My husband has always earned 4/5 times me. He pretty much paid for everything when we moved in just because it reflected that massive imbalance. In turn I paid for treats, like holidays and meals out. Neither of us counted what we contributed or took out - what we took out was our relationships, not pounds and pence.

I haven’t been financially burned though so accept t might colour your view on future financial arrangements.

OP, i think you have an awful lot of talking to do before you walk down the aisle (Money, kids, childcare, career aims etc), not because either of you is wrong, but to double check that you are compatIble in every way.

He wants to keep our finances separate forever EXCEPT for when I'm on a lot more to use that excess to decrease the mortgage.

If this is how he really thinks definitely do not contribute more and do not marry him. Keep your career going at all costs. If kids is something you absolutely want consider dumping him and looking for better father material.

He wants to keep our finances separate forever EXCEPT for when I'm on a lot more to use that excess to decrease the mortgage
Then this is the central issue.

You both need to be on the same page with finances. If you're not there's no point moving forward and buying property etc together. At the moment you're already disagreeing on hypothetical £100k salaries and what happens with hypothetical children years in the future. It doesn't sound like you're compatible at all financially.

He is from a wealthy background with handouts from parents
So he's used to feeling entitled to other people's money subsidising his preferred lifestyle.
final year, we share a room in a house share that I only pay for (as I would have to pay it regardless) so he can pay off debt. I came up with the idea. He contributed to bills and drove me around at his cost
Great - you offered to 'rescue' him from his money issues!
You've sort of replaced his parents as his eternal cash cow.
What a shame he doesn't WANT to even consider subsidising YOU - even once you've had his child.....
he considers it YOUR job to provide for him like his parents have done!

When we have children, all money would be shared in a pot. We have different spending habits though - he enjoys spending and I prefer to save
So you will just hand over your earnings to the joint pot so he can carry on spending as he pleases whilst your money pays the bills and pays for the baby?
I wouldn't have kids with him let alone put all my earnings into a joint account when he doesn't even understand what a partnership really is.

he isn't actually money grabbing and he doesn't want the extra income to go to him, he wants me to pay more off the mortgage on top of our equal split
Whether directly (paying more towards bills) or indirectly (paying off more mortgage) he IS 'grabbing' your money because he bloody benefits out of it all!
He still benefits from the proceeds/equity due to YOU paying off the mortgage because he knows he's entitled to a share of joint assets should anything happen.
He's using your money to safety cushion and maximise HIS share of assets.

He wants to keep our finances separate forever EXCEPT for when I'm on a lot more to use that excess to decrease the mortgage
So he's told you to your face poiont blank that he has no interets in sharing HIS money with you - but expects you to share yours at all times......he even wants you to remain the main breadwinner so you can continue being hsi cash cow.

He's gaslighting you to fuck, using the knowledge that you want to remain financially independent to manipulate you.
All he's doing is making sure HIS financial future and security are always propped up by YOU so he carry on living/doing as he pleases without having to compromise on anything or take on any additional responsibilities or mental load.

Wise words monkey. He's an entitled money grabber. OP take note.

All he's doing is making sure HIS financial future and security are always propped up by YOU so he carry on living/doing as he pleases without having to compromise on anything or take on any additional responsibilities or mental load.

^^ This. Whatever his reasoning and his situation, and however “not money grabbing” he appears day to day, from what you’ve said of the underlying core of your financial relationship it would seem that his priority is always that he is and will be financially stable, not that you - as an individual or even you as a couple/family - are or will be.

Even when you were a student and he was earning you were using your loan to subsidise his living arrangements so he could pay off his debt. This may have been your suggestion but he should have been good enough to tell you no. It was really inappropriate of him to use you to get out of debt when he was in a better financial situation than you were and old enough to have seen past some of the naivety of your youth.

Also, your paying off the mortgage with your “extra” cash doesn’t just mean you’re building equity for him “should anything happen” (which, while wise to think about can seem somewhat pessimistic and irrelevant when you’re in love). It also means the mortgage is paid of sooner and then he won’t have to contribute to mortgage payments with his salary - which, he seems to have made clear, he will be keeping to spend on himself. So it’s delayed “money grabbing”, but it’s still “money grabbing”.

He's from a wealthy family?
He insisted on splitting everything 50/50 even when you only had a student loan?
He has a bigger pension pot than you?
He wants to keep finances separate forever?
He wants you to overpay the joint mortgage because you earn more? No more 50/50, eh?

He is trying to protect his inheritance. And he's a tightarse to boot, who's happy to see you screwed over. Do you really, really want to marry him?

Build your own separate savings. Keep paying 50:50. You aren't married yet. If he's got £1k spends per month then he will be saving too.

When you marry you can each pay a wodge off the mortgage. If that's the best use of the money. As a CA you'll be able to understand the numbers on your options.

Have you tried countering his idea of you paying off more of the mortgage with the idea of you investing more in your pension instead so you can both retire at the same time? His response to that might be illuminating.

How did the conversation go that led to you paying 50/50 despite the disparity in income? Whose idea was it?

Did he support you at all when you were a student?

If he insisted on an equal split then, but is now saying you have to pay more, then I'd be re-thinking the relationship tbh. And this is certainly something that needs to be hammered out before you buy a house together.

Make a joke remark about his inheritance will balance up your earning more in the marriage and see what he says.

Tread very careful with this one op.
He knows how to protect his wallet, make sure you do too.

What is the reason for your OP - is it that deep down you do not trust him?