To not contribute more money?

[moneyistheroot]

DP and I have just had a disagreement over money.
We are engaged to be married, no kids.
We are in the process of buying our very long term home. We already own together.

I'm 25 and currently earn £60k in finance. It's gruelling, stressful and has long hours. I'll be on £100k+ by 30.

DP is a teacher on £40k and is 30. He will struggle to match my income.

Our lives are lived similarly, DP does extra tuition which makes our net pay similar. We live as to what the lowest earner could afford. For the majority of the relationship I was the low earner (studying). He never paid for more, we always split equally.

He has just said he expects me to contribute more to our household financially when I begin to earn significantly more. I disagree. When we have kids it would be joint but I wouldn't work my hours now and would take a pay cut, so likely to be equal.

I don't think I should sacrifice the extra money pre-children when I don't have as much pension contribution and I'd like to buy nice things for myself etc.

So who is BU?

I don't think anyone has been "freeloading" on anyone up to now. Each has had enough income to pay their way. OP has not said her DP encouraged her to spend beyond her means or incur any debt.

Normally I am on the "family money" page once you're married but it's a fact that women are more vulnerable financially once children come along. The OP describes herself as a saver and her DP as a spender. If this is the case it also adds to the problem.

To the poster who said money matters less than love in a relationship - I envy you your happy life that this has never been an issue. For many, many relationships different attitudes towards money and financial disagreements is a major factor in marriage breakdown.

Please address it before you get mary.

*married.

Your pension will be smaller, so I agree with others that whatever extra you earn, once costs and £1000 per month each spending money has been allocated should go into your pension for the next five years. If you split it’ll be marital asset anyway, and if not you’ll both benefit in retirement.

With £1000 per month spare each, you can either save or ‘have nice things’, or indeed both! If he wants to blow his and you want to bank £12k and then buy yourself a Rolex, or whack it in a personal ISA I can’t see the problem. That’s still equal.

I’m intrigued how you already own a property on your salaries, esp as you only just started earning good money. Did his parents fund a deposit? If so this is probably coming into play in his mental maths.

*property in London

If you choose to be hardheaded about this, you could end up regretting it later esp during maternity leave, or career change etc.
Either you're a team or you're not. And I'd recommend you start that mindset before children come. Otherwise you're going to be posting on here like others I've seen where the husband insists that the woman should pay everything for their child. Careers and lives fluctuate and it would be a bad mistake to set this precedent.

Utter bollocks from Amara. he set the precedent when he expected 50/50 when the OP couldn't really afford it.

“@Passthecherrycoke I work in central London - standard salary for a chartered accountant here”

Yes, I used to be one and now I hire plenty it’s true that you could start on £60k after becoming chartered (how did you manage to do this without working alongside studying- you made it sound as though you were doing a degree)

Also strange that you think you’ll be on £100k by 30 guaranteed. Plenty of Newly qualifiedS in London, they can’t all become partners

The issue is I wouldn't own more of the house, which concerns me looking at how many people split.

This is very sensible. Statistically speaking, women end up being responsible for children after divorce. So many threads on here where women are left floundering because ex won’t contribute to childcare costs access is not shared 50/50.

*when access is not shared 50/50

Why on earth are getting married? You don't sound compatible at all. I'm also confused. You want to save money but but nice things. Your partner doesn't do any planning, does he do any marking? He has to plan at some point. He doesn't work evening's or weekends, so when does he do his private tutoring?
I think you are BU. You do earn a lot more than him. Then again I don't understand his people can but a house together and still have separate finances. If you want to spend your lives together you should trust each other with e everything including money. If you don't then he's not the right one for you.

Anyway, isn’t this all jumping the gun a bit because at this point, the OP says she earns £60k and he earns £40, plus extra from tutoring, so probably its all much of a muchness as things stand.
If and when she is earning tkos £100k well, anything could have happened by then. She could be pregnant with twins? Other opportunities may have arisen for him. Anything really.
OP, it’s not really about the money, but more about mentality. As PP have said, either you’re a team or you’re not. You do sound resentful of the fact he is possibly going to be earning less than you for the foreseeable future. Don’t use this as a stick to beat him with.
Imagine if this was an engaged man posting that he wants to keep his “own” extra money for “nice things” for himself. Mwahhahaha

So he benefited from living with you to pay off debt. Never paid more than you for anything, even when earning and you weren't.

Has plenty of disposable income now and likes to spend.

Wants you to pay more when you start to earn more, despite you having less pension and working longer hours.

Won't accept you being a SAHM as he wants your income to keep coming in because it's higher.

Sounds like a keeper op.

So many messages to get through!! I have a lot of work so probably won't be able to return to the thread much for a few days!

This is only asking if I am BU until we have kids and marry, our wedding is still far off. At the moment our take home is the same (I have a lot of student debt). This is about the next 4-5 years before we have children.

He wants to keep our finances separate forever EXCEPT for when I'm on a lot more to use that excess to decrease the mortgage.

I am contributing more currently to our next house purchase and my deposit is ringfenced. He has no issues with this.

Trying to think this through. At first you earned less, but contributed 50% of all shared expenses. Now you earn more and your DP wants you to contribute more?

Questions this raise with me:
Why was it ok for him previously to contribute 50% of expenses when on a higher wage?
If you are both out of the house similar hours, presumably you use approximately equal resources?
How are expenses/bank accounts currently managed?(Do you have a joint a/c for all income, or an account you both pay into from which shared expenses are deducted?)
What do either of you do with your 'spare' money?

He wants to keep our finances separate forever EXCEPT for when I'm on a lot more to use that excess to decrease the mortgage.

So op hypothetically, what happens if one day you lose your job, or have to cut hours, or you get sick? It goes back to 50/50 even if you're the lower earner? He has no intention of ever contributing more if he is the higher earner?

@Passthecherrycoke I no longer work in that area of finance. £100k in my company is the standard pay - you get progressed every year with a salary rise no matter what. I work in a different sector now.

I did a degree until 21, 21-23 I qualified ACA which is 2 years of exams, 3 years work experience at the same time. I wasn't quick at all.

Get the pensions equal first with overpayments.

Then set up a joint account.

Each pay yourselves the same spending money from the joint account. The rest of your money is joint.

It stays that way whether you earn 100k and he goes part time to do school runs, or you become a stay at home parent after the arrival of triplets and he becomes an inner London superheadteacher on 100k and writes a best seller ...

Or don't get married, protect your earnings, pay exactly the same amount as him no matter what, split all your restaurant bills according to who ordered what, buy as tenants in common, keep everything very strictly seperate.

There are different ways of doing things, but what if for some reason you end up depending on him - what if you have twins or triplets with disabilities and childcare just isn't possible and you feel best suited to be the sahp, or you yourself become unable to work for health reasons.

Whatever arrangement you start off with will stick. Think about the fact that you don't know what the future brings despite the best laid plans, then decide.

We live as to what the lowest earner could afford. For the majority of the relationship I was the low earner (studying). He never paid for more, we always split equally.

How can he (or anyone else) justify 50:50 when he was the higher earned and then expect you to pay more when you earn more.

For the record, I have had two relationships. In both our incomes have varied over time, sometime me, sometimes him earning more.
In the first, we contributed in proportion to our income in the second it was 50:50.

Picking one way and sticking with it seems fair to me. Changing within the same relationship doesn't seem fair at.all

I might be rethinking the relationship, at least looking out for other signs that he expects unfair treatment. Having children makes you so vulnerable, I would not want any concerns about fairness with the person with whom I was going to share children.

I'm really puzzled by the people saying you are being selfish, for example who wants to live as part of a loving commuted couple when one of you has loads if disposable income and the other is on a tight budget.

You were doing this when he was earning and you were a student. Why has his position changed? This change when it's to his benefit would be a big red flag for me.

If he hadn't been a tight arse while you were a student, I'd say you were being very unreasonable

@RiftGibbon we have our own bank accounts where our salary goes. We each contribute the exact same amount to a joint account which all DD are on.

We treat each other to meals out etc. And we don't count the pennies for food shops, we just buy things we need and it levels out over time.
All holidays split equally and we travel together a lot.

money if the joint a/c has some sort of cusion for unexpected expenses, I can't see an issue with the current arrangement. You might want to consider amending the payments so that it covers money to pensions by dd and 'holiday fund' money. However, if your DP is not happy about this, then you may need to reconsider things before you commit to marriage and children.

moneyistheroot if based on past experience you believe he will treat you unfairly don't marry, take the mortgage out as tenants in common not joint tenants and keep finances seperate.

IMO it's all fully joint "for richer or for poorer" on both sides, or it's a much more careful, strictly separate, businesslike arrangement.

You can't mix and match though - if it's the second that's legitimate but don't marry him and do everything on a worst case scenario basis (only have children if you'd manage as a single parent) as you're assuming he does not have your best interests at heart.

He wants to keep our finances separate forever

Righto then! This changes things quite a bit OP. I'd be reevaluating the future here as it seems that finances may become a big issue for your relationship in the future. At least he is up front about it and you can choose what you do with this information.

If this is his attitude now, it certainly bears thinking about your own future and the first thing I would be doing is topping up of my pension (and/or having a suitable self-managed investment for pension purposes). Buy yourself your nice things, but actually plan for your future as a priority.

And if you continue with the relationship, I would have investments on the side in own name for when you need them (knowing of course that when married these are taken into account in event of divorce of course). Have you ever asked him what would happen in periods of time when you may not be able to work when you are married with this 50/50 arrangement?

Or when you hit 30 and are burnt out and want a career change to reclaim some balance....

My parents had separate finances and it seemed to be a point of control with my father. I am happy to hear from other posters that their marriages remained on equal footing with 50/50 financial contribution. But I have not witnessed it working well myself, particularly as adult kids and retirement age approaches.

So he wants to keep finances separate until it suits him? I agree with @bipbop. It's really important to have the same approach towards finances between partners. You both don't sound compatible at all. I am saying that as a SAHP. I look after the child while my husband works. But we discussed it before getting married. We both are savers and try to stay in our budget. You both don't seem to agree on this. People forget that money is one of the major factor that strains a marriage. If he is a spender and you a saver then you will resent subsidising him.

What does he say about the finances when you do have children? He wants you to work after work and you want that too but what guarantee do you have that you will be able to or want to go back once the child is here? Will he want to split 50/50 that time or will he contribute more if you can't go back to work for some reason? I am pretty sure he will just cut you off if he has to pay for most of it.

Why do you want to marry him anyway? What are his redeeming qualities?

We met when he was on £30k and I was on £0. Never had an issue ensuing a split using my student loan or odd jobs I could do for a bit of money

He would've been a bit silly to pay for almost everything for someone he'd just met or didn't know how long this would last for.

My DP and I didn't pool our finances until we were a few years into the relationship.

He wants to keep our finances separate forever EXCEPT for when I'm on a lot more to use that excess to decrease the mortgage.
I wouldn’t have kids with him. I wouldn’t be with him. When you say keep finances separate, does he really think that time off work for the physical process of giving birth to a baby, recovering and looking after a new born that you have decided to have together is your cost? I’m just trying to work out if he’s a total asshole or if it’s not complete information and of course he’d expect to be partially responsible for the cost of having a baby.