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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not contribute more money?

267 replies

moneyistheroot · 17/11/2019 20:19

DP and I have just had a disagreement over money.
We are engaged to be married, no kids.
We are in the process of buying our very long term home. We already own together.

I'm 25 and currently earn £60k in finance. It's gruelling, stressful and has long hours. I'll be on £100k+ by 30.

DP is a teacher on £40k and is 30. He will struggle to match my income.

Our lives are lived similarly, DP does extra tuition which makes our net pay similar. We live as to what the lowest earner could afford. For the majority of the relationship I was the low earner (studying). He never paid for more, we always split equally.

He has just said he expects me to contribute more to our household financially when I begin to earn significantly more. I disagree. When we have kids it would be joint but I wouldn't work my hours now and would take a pay cut, so likely to be equal.

I don't think I should sacrifice the extra money pre-children when I don't have as much pension contribution and I'd like to buy nice things for myself etc.

So who is BU?

OP posts:
category12 · 17/11/2019 22:23

I'm still very curious about a teacher who doesn't work in the evenings or weekends.

Original poster
moneyistheroot · 17/11/2019 22:23

A timeline for people getting very caught up on the dating part. And this is going to be interesting...
Met at 20: he lives with me as I get bills included and his housemates refused to turn on heating in his house share. He still paid rent but was always around (housemates had their bfs over so no issue). I had no issue. Split 50/50. Second year of university.
21: final year, we share a room in a house share that I only pay for (as I would have to pay it regardless) so he can pay off debt. I came up with the idea. He contributed to bills and drove me around at his cost
22: graduated and in a grad job earning £27k whilst studying to be a CA. He moves to my area to be with me. He earns £35k. Doesn't survive the school, drops out half way through the year. Living with parents to save for a house.
23: buy first home all equal. I earn £30k, he is at new school earning £35k
24: I qualify as a CA. Salary goes to £52k
He's on £45k with a teaching bonus for leadership
25: I'm on 60k, he no longer has the responsibility so is on £40k. He tutors on the side which I haven't included in this as I'm unsure of the after tax amount as it's a private company.

The end.

OP posts:
Original poster
moneyistheroot · 17/11/2019 22:24

@category12 maths teacher and has all the lessons in advance. No extra planning

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 17/11/2019 22:24

that most of this will be given up the moment I have children because I will take on the responsibility, as a woman. That's standard.

But do you really need to? If one of you needs to slow down in your career when you start a family, it would make more sense for him to do so.

Winesalot · 17/11/2019 22:25

I would have thought that once you are married it was all shared because you are a team.

I think it is different early in a relationship compared to being married. I would not have expected to be supported by a gf/bf/fiancé the same way at all.

Bellaxx8 · 17/11/2019 22:27

No, keep splitting everything 50/50.

He wasn’t interested before when he earnt more but now you will soon all of a sudden that’s fair.

Have you pointed that out to him by the way? That he didn’t pay more before so why should you now?

middlemuddle · 17/11/2019 22:29

Personally in an ideal situation for me, all the money would go in one account then when the bills are paid and savings are put away the remainder would be halved between us to spend on whatever we please- or as you put it, nice things for yourself.

Havaina · 17/11/2019 22:30

So he was on £30k and you were a student but he didn't treat you. That's one tight git.

OP, I would keep a separate pot of money for yourself as he doesn't sound very generous.

My DH earns £25k more than me but I have always kept a secret savings account separate to oir joint savings account as he is a spender and I'm naturally a saver. If things go tits up I have the security of a fund.

TryingToBeBold · 17/11/2019 22:30

It's hard.
My partner was earning less than me but contributed 50/50. I now earn less and we still do 50/50. Either wouldn't mind if we couldn't but.. we manage.
But our salaries are not hugely different.
When he was earning more.. you weren't on much less than him. Whereas now you are earning a significant amount more than him. That's the only thing I really pick up on

LuluBellaBlue · 17/11/2019 22:32

I actually think he sounds tight and I’d be worried about pooling your finances, especially as he likes to spend and is already wanting more of your money.
Until children and even after them I’d keep some finances separate.

showmethegin · 17/11/2019 22:32

It doesn't sound like you like him very much. I think it's tight that he didn't help you when you needed it but you're about to be married. I'm on 36k and DP is on 20k we share finances. I get a bit extra (c £100 more than him) to spend on fun stuff on top of what we allot for fun spends and everything else is shared on living costs and saving (for a house). We're a team and with all due respect even if you were to spend a bit more on living expenses on a combined income of 100k you could afford nice things anyway.

I'd worry about playing the you did this, so I'll do this card. What about if you want to go on maternity, or one of you gets ill? Start positively as you mean to go on.

schafernaker · 17/11/2019 22:36

Teachers pay tends to go up each year. Presumably to be on 40k he has some form of tlr too. So when you were still studying he was likely only on around 20-25k, if you’re in a long term home paying for that would have swallowed up a lot of that money at that time!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 17/11/2019 22:37

I'd recommend opening a joint account and each putting X amount in every month out of your salaries. We personally found that a percentage was the fairest way to go as circumstances will obviously change. If/when you're on SMP, it'll be a lot less money from you!

Schwesterherz · 17/11/2019 22:39

Ah well the rate the economy is going you'll get laid off by the time you're £0 and then you don't have to worry about it!

BrieAndChilli · 17/11/2019 22:39

I just don’t understand people who get married but keep finances seperate! I just think you are storing up hassle in the future when you have kids and 1 person is on maternity leave and earning a lot less.

Me and DH have always pooled finances from the moment we moved in together. Initially granted we were fairly equal but then we had kids and jointly Made the decision that I would stay home with them until they went to school. I worked a couple of evening at various points in between 3 year long maternity leaves. Now I work 30 hours and earn about 1/5 of what DH does but all our finance is joint and there is no mine or his money.
We see it that we are a family unit and give everything we have to that be it financially, or by doing childcare. Housework etc.

KTheGrey · 17/11/2019 22:40

Meh - you are high earning and young and it sounds like you have always given more to this relationship financially, particularly in proportion to your incomes. He caught you before you were old enough to know better and now you will subsidise him forever. It always seems to have been his plan, so I am surprised you have found you disagree - as I am sure he is. Hmm

Original poster
moneyistheroot · 17/11/2019 22:42

@schafernaker no, London weighting

OP posts:
Original poster
moneyistheroot · 17/11/2019 22:44

Btw he isn't actually money grabbing and he doesn't want the extra income to go to him, he wants me to pay more off the mortgage on top of our equal split. The issue is I wouldn't own more of the house, which concerns me looking at how many people split.

I'm just very realistic and viewing the facts, no emotion. He is a nice bloke, promise.

OP posts:
BellatrixLestat · 17/11/2019 22:46

I sort of see where you are coming from OP but you do need to look at it more of a partnership and what works for you both as a family. Do you have a lot of separate interests that cost money that you want to spend it on? Why not just pool everything into a joint account, set a certain amount to go into savings and then buy your nice things with whatever is left over? Go spend money and enjoy leisure time together instead of this 'that's mine and that's yours' perspective.

BrendasUmbrella · 17/11/2019 22:57

Has he talked with you about what happens if you have a family and you go on maternity leave, or drop your hours? Will he pay more then, even though he didn't before when the roles were reversed?

The house isn't bought yet, so you need to have some indepth talks first about how you both view the future. If you're not on the same page, the house and the wedding can wait.

ilovesooty · 17/11/2019 22:57

Teachers' salaries don't necessarily go up every year any more.

I'm intrigued by a teacher who never has to do any extra planning!

Livelovebehappy · 17/11/2019 22:59

TBH I think if you’re not yet married and no DCs then a 50/50 split is fine. Once you’re married though, the money should go into one pot.

PickAChew · 17/11/2019 23:00

He doesn't get to change the rules now you earn more than him.

toobusytothink · 17/11/2019 23:02

Why pay off more of the mortgage? Interest rates are so low just enjoy the extra disposable income. I would say pay 50:50 into joint account then maybe you pay for holidays and do it that way so at least your extra payments are going on fun things

Original poster
moneyistheroot · 17/11/2019 23:05

@ilovesooty they do go up every year usually by 1% for inflation

OP posts:
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