To not contribute more money?

[moneyistheroot]

DP and I have just had a disagreement over money.
We are engaged to be married, no kids.
We are in the process of buying our very long term home. We already own together.

I'm 25 and currently earn £60k in finance. It's gruelling, stressful and has long hours. I'll be on £100k+ by 30.

DP is a teacher on £40k and is 30. He will struggle to match my income.

Our lives are lived similarly, DP does extra tuition which makes our net pay similar. We live as to what the lowest earner could afford. For the majority of the relationship I was the low earner (studying). He never paid for more, we always split equally.

He has just said he expects me to contribute more to our household financially when I begin to earn significantly more. I disagree. When we have kids it would be joint but I wouldn't work my hours now and would take a pay cut, so likely to be equal.

I don't think I should sacrifice the extra money pre-children when I don't have as much pension contribution and I'd like to buy nice things for myself etc.

So who is BU?

I earn more than my husband. I contribute significantly more towards the bills than he does. It makes sense but I would expect the same if roles were reversed.

We don't share finances (got effed over an ex, won't let that happen again) Sometimes I wish he'd contribute more but then he'd have no money for socialising so i would eventually foot the bill somewhere along the line. I don't really mind at the end of the day.

We live as to what the lowest earner could afford
So why are you expected to pay more then?
Is he saying that he should pay 25% and you 75% even though you've made choices/sacrifices to ensure that your combined lifestyle is affordable for HIM?

People are missing the point, he made her go without. Now it's reversed he wants her money.

And 2 wrongs don't make a right.

I'd be interested to know the difference in earnings when you were the lower earning? It won't be £40K pa difference will it?

Difficult when things were split equally when he was earning more. My husband and I always split equally until we had kids.
How about doing something different, pooling all your money minus bills and split anything left over?
How much more does he want you to contribute? And what are you planning to do with that extra money - I hope save some??

You are couples should share money equally or you're not partners in the relationship. It's not like he's sitting at home playing x box while you work.

My DP is the higher earner, he pays proportionately more, if I had to pay half I'd have nothing left each month

You're being selfish.

Op, this man was earning 60 k a year when you were studying and on little and he did nothing to help you financially. Now he faces the prospect of you outearning him, he's his hand out.

Definite red flag.

The buying nice things is because I've never had them. Grew up below poverty line, parents sacrificed everything for me to be where I am. He is from a wealthy background with handouts from parents.

When I was studying I earned £0 except for odd jobs around my course. We still split equally and he was on a teacher salary and I only had my student loan

@Passthecherrycoke I work in central London - standard salary for a chartered accountant here

Kick him to the curb. He was happy to split 50/50 when he earned more. Selfish git.

I'm the higher earner and I've ensured that we have the same "spending money" each month, so I pay more towards the bills, it's only fair.

However if we had started off opposite and I was a student but expected to pay 50:50, then I'd certainly keep it that way once I was earning more!

Dump him. You can do so, so much better. You don’t need a user like him.

You sound like housemates rather than a couple, but you're about to become a family so you need to stop thinking separately.

You sound jealous of his wealthy background.
Your financial background growing up was not his fault.

As a student teacher he will have been on around £23K a few years ago so not £40-60K leaving you with nothing.

The pay gap will be significantly more and he is not BU.

Well we are getting married...

My argument is that when I reach £100k I will then have children. I don't want to work full time, my salary will be less...I will be on SMP for a while, this is what my savings will be for + my pension.
I have a total of 9% pension, his is 20%!

@Tistheseason17 I didn't know him when he was a student teacher, there's a 5 year age gap. We met when he was on £30k and I was on £0. Never had an issue ensuing a split using my student loan or odd jobs I could do for a bit of money.

The reason I struggle to feel unreasonable is we don't need extra money. Our lifestyle is nice now. It won't change, I'd probably just invest more for the future so we can retire earlier. So why should he get a pay increase through less bills just because I work longer than him. He never works late/weekends, I am always working

He is against me being a SAHM as I am the higher earner which is fine as I don't want to give up my career!

I don’t think either of you are completely unreasonable.

Long term if you will be earning more I would expect you to pick up more but your pension should be prioritised and you should also be able to enjoy your money so it shouldn’t necessarily be completely proportional and definitely not straight away when you’ve been depriving yourself for so long without his support.

Why didn’t he support you before? Were you not a team in his eyes then you only are now because you have moved in together? If it only works one way that’s not ok. Likewise if you just want to not be a team all your life then why are you with him?

Everything goes into one account. You pay all the bills from that account, put something into savings and private pensions and then split the rest for spending money. When kids come along, it's the same deal.

I take it you have mentioned all of this to him?
What has he said?
My husband earned more than me when we got together and paid more then things switched - tell him this is how it works and ask him what will happen when you have children?

Can I also suggest you pay the additional monies into a pension plan so you are saving the same amount and this will reduce your net income nearer his with equality in long term pension savings?

You don't sound jealous at all and why shouldn't you enjoy the fruits of your labour, and reduce your earnings when you have kids.

Op, if he'd been supporting you when you earned low, it would be different. But he didn't. He forced you to live within your means.

Now he wants to change that at the thought of you earning more.

You need to lay down the ground rules now. Because this man is going to take take take and make you work to give him money and maintain his lifestyle.

Take the discussion, don't bow down. Set your stall out and see where he goes with it.

I out earn my husband and I contribute more, but when we were young he did, and he contributed more. If he had not done so, and then expected me to, I would not have simply emptied my pockets and let him help himself.