To not contribute more money?

[moneyistheroot]

DP and I have just had a disagreement over money.
We are engaged to be married, no kids.
We are in the process of buying our very long term home. We already own together.

I'm 25 and currently earn £60k in finance. It's gruelling, stressful and has long hours. I'll be on £100k+ by 30.

DP is a teacher on £40k and is 30. He will struggle to match my income.

Our lives are lived similarly, DP does extra tuition which makes our net pay similar. We live as to what the lowest earner could afford. For the majority of the relationship I was the low earner (studying). He never paid for more, we always split equally.

He has just said he expects me to contribute more to our household financially when I begin to earn significantly more. I disagree. When we have kids it would be joint but I wouldn't work my hours now and would take a pay cut, so likely to be equal.

I don't think I should sacrifice the extra money pre-children when I don't have as much pension contribution and I'd like to buy nice things for myself etc.

So who is BU?

I hate the whole if you don't share equally you are not partners things on MN. I am a teacher and DH earns more than I do so I should support your DPs position but I don't!
Firstly it was fine when you earnt nothing for him to expect more than you could afford.
Secondly why if you can both afford your halves should you not get the benefit of your hard work and long hours. I really think people should reap what they sow. Unless someone is at home with the children you are two adults in an equal partnership you could contribute equally as long as no one is struggling.
I guess maybe it would be good if he could afford to do it without tutoring on the side but then again if he didnt tutor he would benefit from substantially more free time and holiday than you.

I'm surprised he never works long hours or weekends, all the teachers I ever met seem to be constantly working into the evenings and weekends.

Hmmm to be honest I don't think you are being unreasonable. As long as you buy within both of your means and he won't be overstretched, it sounds sensible as you want to save for your pension (which is less than his) and for maternity leave; both of which are family matters to be honest.

I mean, who wants to live as part of a loving commuted couple when one of you has loads if disposable income and the other is on a tight budget. How is that fun? How is that living as a couple as opposed to living as two singles? Who wants to live like that; having more than the person you share your life with.

I earn significantly more than DH (similar figures to your 30s salary). We both pay equally into the joint account for main bills, food and childcare etc, but I have the capacity to save a lot more, therefore I usually pay for things like the holidays, cars, jobs on the house etc.

We can start any thread we like about anything right?

And as opposed to you being envious of his background, it's more likely he is used to a standard of living, can't support himself to live that lifestyle so wants your money to help him.

You earned it op, you worked hard for this. Go and enjoy the fruits of your labour.

YABU. Either you want to be partners or you don't. Seems like you dont

People are missing the point, he made her go without. Now it's reversed he wants her money.

But if he was an NQT it was on £24k not £60k or £100K- very different

YANBU but neither of you seem invested enough in the relationship as a team to have children.

So on your update - does he do extra chores because he works shorter days?
Look at your income after 20% pensions deductions and consider how you can share that perhaps IF he is supporting you as a team

I don't think it bodes well for the future if you as a couple have the attitude to money where it's not shared. Really very odd for one partner to have a different standard of living to the other. Maybe you're not well-suited. I'd expect couples to contribute proportionally to their incomes.

The studying seems like a red herring to me. Due to your age gap it sounds like you were probably late in undergraduate study or early post grad study when you met (given you're 25 now) and he would already have been working (given he's 30 now and people can qualify as a teacher at 22).

I sure as hell wouldn't have been financially subsiding a new boyfriend who was at uni when I'm working full time, but as the relationship progresses then I would expect a discussion about finances and how to arrange finances to arise.

There's tens of threads on here where people are quick to tell women that as they earn less, their higher earning DP should be paying more for bills. More often than not the line is that whoever earns most should pay a proportionate share.

I have a feeling this will be a delightful insight into the MN finances double standard.

He didn’t contribute more when he earned more so he shouldn’t demand it of you.

Reap what you sow.

I earn £80+ k. My husband earns about £20k. We have been together 25 years and have 2 children. Everything is and always has been shared. One account. I don't know how it would be possible to live otherwise.

What does he say when you mention the fact that you had to scrimp and save to pay your half previously?

i'm all for sharing when you both agree to it but he sound like a tight arse money grabber to me.

So when you first met, you were a student and he was working? I don't think its unreasonable to go 50:50 in a new relationship, even when there is a big difference in income.

Do you really see a future in this relationship? Would agree to sharing money when you are married?

I earn more but only by about 10k and I share.

I think you’re wrong. If my husband earned 60k and I had to work extra (the tutoring) to even things out because he wouldn’t share and wanted nice things, I’d reconsider if I could spend my life with someone so tight!

If he earned 100k and me 40k and he still wouldn’t share, I’d be gone. It isn’t about wanting your money, you should be partners - you’re getting married and own a house together - it’s not unreasonable to share!

When you have 100k, think of the life you’ll be able to afford. How can you not want to share that life with your partner husband?

Having said all that, he was wrong to see you struggle as a student too. I can see why it would leave a bitter taste but I think it will destroy your relationship if this continues. Resentment about money is toxic.

Given that you are partners in a loving committed (?) relationship and engaged to be married, I'd say you ought to contribute to all your set costs on a basis scaled proportionally to your respective incomes. This is because you should be committed to your mutual happiness as a couple and share the quality of the home that your joint incomes afford you both...for richer, for poorer?????
If you weren't in a loving relationship and were just tenants that happened to live under the same roof, I'd say your separate incomes were immaterial and you both just pay 50/50, obviously!

After bills he has £1k spare for fun every month... hardly living a tight budget!!

He is. Clearly he wants it both ways as he didn’t contribute more when relatively speaking he was the higher earner. Conveniently now he wants to share the spoils. I would say no to him, even though l think usually sharing is the fairest way

You are not financially compatible. You should both find partners who earn exactly the same as each other and split everything 50/50.

It isn't entirely fair to compare how you sorted finances at the start of a new relationship to how you sort finances x years down the line when you're now committed to be married.

When we have children, all money would be shared in a pot. We have different spending habits though - he enjoys spending and I prefer to save. So we earn separately.

But additionally, when we have children he is likely to overcome me earning wise as I want to be part time.
We won't have kids for 5 years yet, so this is just the discussion for those years

I don't understand this at all.

I view being together as sharing. So together you earn x amount. Sort out your bills and you're both left with X amount. If you're lucky and you earn good money between you, plenty of money to do as you please.

Equally, as a TEAM, if you have money left over you can both invest in a good pension etc.

You may as well be room mates?