To not contribute more money?

[moneyistheroot]

DP and I have just had a disagreement over money.
We are engaged to be married, no kids.
We are in the process of buying our very long term home. We already own together.

I'm 25 and currently earn £60k in finance. It's gruelling, stressful and has long hours. I'll be on £100k+ by 30.

DP is a teacher on £40k and is 30. He will struggle to match my income.

Our lives are lived similarly, DP does extra tuition which makes our net pay similar. We live as to what the lowest earner could afford. For the majority of the relationship I was the low earner (studying). He never paid for more, we always split equally.

He has just said he expects me to contribute more to our household financially when I begin to earn significantly more. I disagree. When we have kids it would be joint but I wouldn't work my hours now and would take a pay cut, so likely to be equal.

I don't think I should sacrifice the extra money pre-children when I don't have as much pension contribution and I'd like to buy nice things for myself etc.

So who is BU?

YANBU

While there are no DC you continue splitting 50/50 to what the lower earner brings home as before.

You do what the higher earner did before and save/put into your pension/buy what you want. Just like what he did.

Once the children are here your savings/pension are going to take a hit. The extra now will go towards that.

Ok, I'd just see how this one plays out.

You're not married yet.

He was happy to accept your 50% of bills when you could afford less than him. He wouldn't support SAHM as you earn more. He sounds pretty money orientated. That's not a terrible thing but if I were you right now I'd refuse to contribute more than 50% of bills etc as both of you earn plenty enough to be comfortable anyway. The rest of your money - as you're not married, I'd indeed prioritise saving and paying into a pension and just tell him that's what you intend to do with your money. And keep an open mind as to whether this is going to work long term.

I'm really surprised he is able to 'not work very hard' as a full time teacher who also does enough tutoring to earn another £20k. That sounds like a 100 hour a week kind of job!

Oh haha and he's the one who likes spending...! Err is that why he's so keen on telling you how your money will be split?

Right.

I'm not sure you're compatible.

Definitely don't get married yet. You have invested together in the house, that is your link for now.

Your money is your money. Just as you always have done, you go 50/50.

Oh and you don't sound jealous or petty. You sound sensible. I think there's more than a touch of you being aware that really, he's looking forward to being 'better off' via you so that he can spend more... and you don't want to facilitate that.

I'd feel the same!

We have different spending habits though - he enjoys spending and I prefer to save

And now he wants to spend yours, don't let him take advantage op. He wasn't willing to do it for you when you had nothing, he made you go without and kept his money to himself.

What you should do is to put more into your pension. So, I suggest that you increase your pension contribution to at least 20% too if not more to attempt to equalise your pension position. I'm certain that he is more likely to be in a better pension pot currently with a teacher's pension and it would take a few years for you to catch up!

I think yabu. I was in a very similar situation with my now husband and I did not expect him to subsidize me as we were early days in our relationship. About a year before we got married we contributed more proportionately, I paid 40% of our bills, him 60% (that's how our salaries worked out in relation to each other)
Now I earn more (more than what you will earn at your top) and I contribute more to household bills.
If you choose to be hardheaded about this, you could end up regretting it later esp during maternity leave, or career change etc.
Either you're a team or you're not. And I'd recommend you start that mindset before children come. Otherwise you're going to be posting on here like others I've seen where the husband insists that the woman should pay everything for their child. Careers and lives fluctuate and it would be a bad mistake to set this precedent.

I think you need to sort out how you manage finances and your ethos in this area before you get married.

My DH and I have core values that are shared around finances and if you and your soon to be DH do not...you will have future troubles stored up.

I could not imagine my DH working a second job to try and catch me up.

Both contribute equally and have modest lifestyle , it should only become an issue if one person wants to spend significantly more on say holidays and the other can’t meet that cost. I earn almost double what my husband does we pay 50/50 for bills and normal household expenditure (1,000 a month each into a house bank account) and I am saving a chunk each month to buy a second home for retirement that we will both benefit from. I have a splurge holiday once a year with my friend (Vegas) our holiday together is UK based and equally as enjoyable to both of us.

Did you actually live together when you were splitting things 50:50

Because it sounds like at the beginning he expected 50:50, which is reasonable.

But since you have lived together you have both been equal.

Now you are living together an getting married the higher earner should be paying more.

That's not comparable to how it was split when you were a new couple

And actually, lots of people would call you tight, stingy and mean if you were a man posting. They would be pointing out you should pay more towards Bill's as you earn more.

It isn't entirely fair to compare how you sorted finances at the start of a new relationship to how you sort finances x years down the line when you're now committed to be married
This.

Could you imagine:
DD has worked hard and has started her career. She's recently started dating a guy 5 years younger who's still at university finishing his studies. Because she's on a good income, he thinks they should split everything because he's not working. They've been together less than a year.
Consensus: of course she shouldn't be subsidising his living costs, it's a new relationship and he's a student.

DD is engaged to a man who out earns her substantially. They've been together years and are discussing their finances. He will become a six figure earner in the next few years but because she's in the public sector she'll never earn that. Should they be splitting 50/50 for living costs or should be paying more given the difference in earnings?
Consensus: he should be paying more, why should she contribute a bigger proportion of her earnings to joint expenditure? If they're really a partnership then they'd arrange things in a way that's fair.

Two scenarios, probably two very different set of responses. B

It'll be interesting to see how much his pension pot is worth and how much yours is worth currently.

I would say YABU I think the higher earner should pay more however if when the tables were turned and he was earning more than you you still had to go 50/50 then I can see why you're annoyed, it's hypocritical.

It'll be interesting to see how much his pension pot is worth and how much yours is worth currently

Good point - with OP eanring so much more the % contributions may mean you end up with equal annuities in retirement. 9% of £100K is more than 20% of £40K (unlikely he is paying pension contributions on the second jobs)

The thing is, whe you were a student and he was earning.....what level of commitment was your relationship at? Were you engaged back then or at least truly committed as partners back then?
Sounds to me like things have moved forward commitment wise. I think you should both recognise that and be comitted to covering the bills proportional to your incomes....but this absolutely doesn't mean letting him have your savings to spend.

It’s all very “this is MINE” “that is YOURS” you do remind me of when I lived in a house share and who bought the milk in the fridge had to be discussed so that everything was equal. So are you housemates or actually engaged to be married? I’m a bit confused? You want to treat yourself to nice things? To me if you are going to be spending your life together you have a pot in the middle and you both put whatever it is you have in there and you share it. It doesn’t matter who puts in more. Everything is joint, there is no “this is mine” anymore. You both have nice things in equal measure (or not!).

You seem so wrapped up with how much you are earning and are potentially going to earn, that nice but it isn’t a competition. I couldn’t be married to someone like that, hope you manage to sort something out before you actually marry and have children. I do wonder going holiday would you be flying first class and your partner back in standard class, I mean what with your 100k salary vs his mere piss poor 40k ?!

I too hate the whole 'if it isn't all shared your not really partners' line. So long as both parties are happy then that's what matters. We split 50/50, I'll soon earn more than my partner but we'll still split 50/50.

Our house is more than affordable on his lower wage. He doesn't go without, I worked my ass off to get where I am so I'd like to enjoy my earnings.

Plus my partner would never even let me pay more! He goes 50/50 down to when I pick up a few food bits without him. Drives me batty that insists on giving me his half when it's only a tenner.

Yanbu. Not a tiny bit.
He was fine with the 50/50 split when it suited him. Now he thinks it's unfair? I smell a hypocrite.

Yanbu he is. He wanted his extra income to himself when he was earning more than you. But now the roles might be reversed, he expects access to your extra money. Have you put this to him? What does he say? It asks like her thinks it’s one rule for him and another for you. It’s a definite no from me.

When my DH earned substantially more than me, he used to pay for most things (also when we were dating). Now I earn about 60% more than he does. We always had a joint account and I don’t mind that. You already seem to resent your partner now. Imagine when you are earning the 100K you expect! I think you should think whether you are really compatible. Different attitudes to money can be very tricky...

1. Is he fundamentally tight with money? I wouldn’t fund a new partner but as the relationship progressed then I would expect the higher earner to put in a bit more.

1. Do you want more than £1000 to spend on extras? If I was you I would be allocating the extra money to pensions/savings/holiday funds such that you have a similar amount left over per month. Savings that are earmarked for your maternity leave particularly as he sounds like the kind of person who will still expect you to pay your share while you weren’t working.

1. Are you sure you want to marry him? I can understand arguing about money when you have to count every penny, but neither of you are exactly skint? I’m not sure you’ll hold up through the ‘better or worse’ bit.

So when you were a student and living together, despite a 30k pay gap, you went 50/50.

In 5 years time when you're working part time with children, presumably you'll be paying 50/50.

Therefore in tbe interim, it seems reasonable you're paying 50/50.

Id ask him why his rationale is for thinking it should be otherwise not when it wasn't when you were a student, and what his proposal is post children

I agree with the sentiment of @BlueDinosaur.....are you going to eat nicer food than him? Go on pricier holidays etc? Get real.

The game changer here is how he expected you to pay 50% of everything when he was working as a teacher and earning and you were a student on student loans with no income.

But now suddenly that you will massively out earn him, after acquiring a degree that he went out of his way to NOT support you getting frankly, he thinks you should pay more so he can have a nicer lifestyle.

I also note the fact he grew up wealthy and didn't have to worry about money, luxuries, etc because his parents paid for everything ... and probably subsidise his decision to become a teacher....

Your his parents' replacement: now you'll be the one subsidising him, OP. He doesn't want you to stop working when you have kids for that reason.

I would be worried, frankly.