Ex and DDs hair

[Brushmyhair]

Ex has the children a few nights a week and EOW, we live in the same area 10mins walk. Everything’s fine, and we get on well. The problem is DDs hair, she has very long straight/wavy hair all the way down to her bottom, I brush her hair twice a day. Once in the morning before school, and at bedtime I brush it and plait her hair into one long plait. If I don’t do this, her hair gets really tangled and she cries when I brush it. On the weekends when she’s at her dads, he doesn’t brush her hair all weekend so when he drops her off Sunday night her hair is all tangled/sticky borderline matted and I spend a good 20 mins brushing it which DD hates.

And he takes her to school with unbrushed hair, she literally just looks like she just woke up when I pick her up. This weekend they stayed at his house, and he sent me videos/pics of the children playing, and there was DD with her unbrushed tangled hair, looking like she just woke up and his girlfriends daughter in the background playing with brushed hair in a ponytail.

I know my daughter is not her responsibility, but it hurts to see DD so scruffy compared to her daughter. It’s funny because in the beginning when they just moved in together, she used to brush DDs hair and DD used to come home with hair in beautiful hairstyles and different hair accessories, but I guess the novelty of them living together has worn off and she doesn’t want to make an effort with my DC anymore. Again this is not her responsibility, but I also wonder why she stopped brushing her hair.

I’ve spoken to ex about this several times, he just says yeah yeah and ‘forgets’. Should I just leave it and brush her hair when she gets home until she’s old enough to do it herself? What would you do?

DD just turned 6 btw.

Put it into a plait before she goes over.

If a mother refused to do their child’s hair there would be uproar. No, there wouldn’t. People would sensibly say to cut the child’s hair to an easily manageable length. A child’s hair should not need “doing” every day. A couple of clips, a pony tail, etc- fine. It’s poor parenting, in my opinion, to allow or encourage very long hair from a practical, physical and psychological point of view. Parents I know from an African background can spend a bit of time braiding hair but once it’s done it lasts for a long time.

Oh god I’ve heard it all now. It’s psychologically damaging to have long hair because the child’s father can’t be fucked to maintain it? What.

There's a difference between chopping it off and trimming it by 1-2 inches. Does she not have it trimmed regularly anyway?

How the hell is having a pet comparable to a child having long hair? Seriously?

Because it’s a time consuming commitment for a parent to make purely because a child says that they want it? Regardless of whether it’s practical?

Surely nobody is so obtuse?

Yes, brushing hair and looking after a live animal are exactly the same thing

Not psychologically damaging because the father won’t cut it. It’s damaging to have it in the first place! It’s stupid and ignorant to let it grow like that because the mother has fetishised long hair and has encouraged a “long hair is so pretty and girlie and, aw, cute” princess mentality in a small child.

I don't understand how a NT 6 year old is incapable of brushing their own hair, DD has shoulder blade length hair, it's very very thick and curly as she is mixed race and she can do a pretty decent job of brushing it with a tangle teaser, she is 3. I think cutting to a more manageable length is your best bet, it can still be long just not so long that she cannot brush it herself. Of course her dad should be helping, but if he can't be arsed you can't make him and having matted hair must be extremely uncomfortable for your DD - so do what you can to help her manage it herself. A silk pillowcase is great for keeping tangles at bay overnight, get one for at her dad's she can take with her?

@daisypond please quote any of op’s posts where it is clear she is ‘fetished’ long hair and wants her dd to be a princess.

It’s poor parenting, in my opinion, to allow or encourage very long hair from a practical, physical and psychological point of view.

It’s damaging to have it in the first place! It’s stupid and ignorant to let it grow like that because the mother has fetishised long hair and has encouraged a “long hair is so pretty and girlie and, aw, cute” princess mentality in a small child.

That is insane thinking and it is far more psychologically damaging to forcibly cut a child's hair, that the child wants to keep. Especially because a father can't be arsed to brush it. I doubt he'd be arsed to brush any length of hair.

"DO" means brush and put in a ponytail. It is extremely poor parenting to not be bothered enough to do that. It's like tooth brushing and putting on clothes, a normal part of parenting.

Nothing to do with a fetish or "princesses".

Not referring to the OP. I’m referring to societal traditional supposed norms about the appearance of little girls.

@daisypond do you also think little boys with long hair are being fetishised by their parents and they want them to be princesses?

I'd go mental at him. If he's not brushing her hair what other simple everyday things is not ensuring happens. Clean underwear? Has she been told to brush her teeth at all?
I can't believe people are suggesting she has her long hair cut short or is forced to do it herself. I'm no softy who wipes her kid's arses, in fact, even at 7 my youngest DS is completely independent and the only thing I need to do for him is cook his meals and wash his clothes (he puts his own clothes away though and makes his own breakfasts) but I STILL do my 10yo DD's hair. And if I'm not around them damn straight DH will do it! He's her dad! She can't so I do it. I'll even help DD (12) with hers sometimes.

Start phoning your EX like the incompetent idiot he is every single morning and evening she's with him and remind him to brush her hair.

Oh and to all those saying "aw bless the poor 'ickle men, we can't expect them to be able to brush or style hair"
They've been dads since the child's birth. They can learn just like I did. I'd never done anyone else's hair before I had a child so was just as clueless as DH, a penis doesn't stop a person from plaiting hair.

Because she wants it that long? Is that such a difficult concept to grasp? (Apparently yes, yes it is)

I had long hair at that age, it was very thick and wavy. I didn't want it cut at all. Then when I was 8 I got nits. My parents were told to wash it and nit comb it every day. Nit combing was tortuous so my mum cut my hair a lot shorter. Did I want her to? No. But it was practical, made everybody's lives easier and once it was done I actually rather liked it.

Just work through the options. There's no reason the ex's GF should do it and presumably she stopped for some reason. The ex should be doing it but he isn't. You can lean on him, nag him, phone him up whatever however often, but he still might just dig his heels in and refuse. So why not cut it so that it's midway down her back instead of down to her bum and she can maintain it herself and if it does get in a mess, it's easier to sort out. If she wants it much longer she can grow it like that as she gets older.

Tl:dr I want doesn't get.

Long hair down to their bum on a boy? Never seen it. Long-ish hair per se is not the issue. Very long hair on a very small child is. It just makes the parents look ignorant and ill educated, and the child has to suffer the brushing and untangling.

The only reason her dad isn't brushing it and tying it up is because he can't be bothered. I'd never done anyone elses hair before looking after my niece but I learned! Ponytails are easy, no need to make her hair fancy.

Hair all the way to her bum may be excessively long? I can see it getting caught in things but if it doesn't fair enough.

Her stepmum probably did enjoy doing her hair. Until she realised your ex expected her to do everything in terms of caring for both the children. So I don't blame her as I bet she does more for your daughter than he does!

At 6 she should be able to say "can you do my hair now please dad". Of course he could say no but then you've got a bigger problem!

My 6 year old dd has similar hair op, no way could she manage it herself. If i am not around her dad will brush it but struggles with bobbles etc.

Because she wants it that long? Is that such a difficult concept to grasp? (Apparently yes, yes it is)

Yes, but sometimes parents have to do what's right, rather than what their precious snowflake wants.
Allowing them to rule the roost because "it's what they want" just makes a parent look out of control and ruins their life for when the snowflake does realise they can't have everything they want.

So now we’re calling 6 your olds snowflakes because of the length of their hair.

How utterly hideous a person you must be.

And also this is all moot. Op only said she asked her dd if she wanted to cut her hair.

No where has it been said the little girl is a ‘snowflake’ ‘princess’ ‘ruling the roost’ or any other nasty things adults are coming up with to describe a child.

Why are we blaming a 6 yo for her father’s ineptitude?

mustard

You don't seem too good at comprehension.
Maybe get some lessons, love.

@MustardScreams you really are obtuse.

People are not blaming the 6 year old, they are blaming the mother who has allowed her hair to grow to an impractical, unruly and potentially unsafe length.

Adding needless extra work to looking after your children because they want such long hair, is exactly like adding extra work by looking after a pet that a 6yr old decides they “like” and “want” without the understanding of responsibility or the skill to manage it.

When have you EVER seen bottom length hair on a boy? Generally speaking a boy with “long hair” will have hair of a length that wouldn’t register any interest on a girl. Bottom length hair is very likely to be due to fetishising the shallow “girliness” of hair and appearance etc.

If a little girl won’t cut her hair because she doesn’t understand that her value isn’t tied up in her appareanceor her hair only, where does it end? Floor length? Longer?

@Drabarni you’ve literally just called a child a snowflake twice because of her hair.

My six year old can brush his own hair quite well, but admittedly that’s only down to his shoulder-blades not his bum.

My husband manages both my son’s long hair and my 3 yo daughter’s hair which is waist length just fine! I know many men (straight if it matters) who do wonderful hairstyles in their daughters’ hair. It’s got nothing to do with gender, men can learn to do hair if they can be bothered to. That’s what this is about really.

I’d recommend a wet brush detangling brush. Tangle teasers are good, but Wet Brush is next level.