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Original poster

Ex and DDs hair

253 replies

Brushmyhair · 17/11/2019 19:37

Ex has the children a few nights a week and EOW, we live in the same area 10mins walk. Everything’s fine, and we get on well. The problem is DDs hair, she has very long straight/wavy hair all the way down to her bottom, I brush her hair twice a day. Once in the morning before school, and at bedtime I brush it and plait her hair into one long plait. If I don’t do this, her hair gets really tangled and she cries when I brush it. On the weekends when she’s at her dads, he doesn’t brush her hair all weekend so when he drops her off Sunday night her hair is all tangled/sticky borderline matted and I spend a good 20 mins brushing it which DD hates.

And he takes her to school with unbrushed hair, she literally just looks like she just woke up when I pick her up. This weekend they stayed at his house, and he sent me videos/pics of the children playing, and there was DD with her unbrushed tangled hair, looking like she just woke up and his girlfriends daughter in the background playing with brushed hair in a ponytail.

I know my daughter is not her responsibility, but it hurts to see DD so scruffy compared to her daughter. It’s funny because in the beginning when they just moved in together, she used to brush DDs hair and DD used to come home with hair in beautiful hairstyles and different hair accessories, but I guess the novelty of them living together has worn off and she doesn’t want to make an effort with my DC anymore. Again this is not her responsibility, but I also wonder why she stopped brushing her hair.

I’ve spoken to ex about this several times, he just says yeah yeah and ‘forgets’. Should I just leave it and brush her hair when she gets home until she’s old enough to do it herself? What would you do?

DD just turned 6 btw.

OP posts:
happycamper11 · 18/11/2019 07:34

Oh and it's never looked 'grim' either. Always bouncy and shiny.

FridalovesDiego · 18/11/2019 07:55

I don’t really agree NameChangw84 my brown dad never made me grow my hair hideously long. And my brown kids have short healthy hair. I still think long hair is grim.

bluebluezoo · 18/11/2019 08:01

he is a cunt
he's doing it to spite you

Really?

I hate doing hair, endless brushing, keeping it detangled etc. Not something I’d want to do.

I am a big believer in bodily autonomy for kids, even hair. But the understanding was always it was kept to a length where it took 5 mins a day max. Once they could manage it themselves then they could grow it however they wanted.

Does she run around with it loose then? Does she take her plait out to go to her dads or is it not normally tied up to go to dads?

Brunts12 · 18/11/2019 08:03

Get her tangle teezer brush for children (they’ve got different fun prints) and encourage her to brush her hair and style on her own. Might be complicated for her to manage such length through.

daisypond · 18/11/2019 08:03

She needs her hair cut. Hair down to her bottom is impractical and it looks awful, even if brushed and shiny.

Micah · 18/11/2019 08:05

I'm actually quite shocked at how many posters think a child's haircut should be dependent on her own fathers willingness to learn how to brush and plait it

I always had a very short haircut as a child because my mother didn’t know how to plait it and wasn’t going to be brushing it constantly.

My own kids haircuts were definitely dependent on my willingness to brush and plait it. I was more flexible than getting it very short, but anything that required more than gathering into a ponytail to keep out the way wasn’t happening.

NameChange84 · 18/11/2019 08:15

FriedalovesDiego

That wasn't my point. You said that 6 year olds never have hair that has fullness or body. And that is bollocks.

dailygrind22 · 18/11/2019 08:22

I would put it in 2 tight french plaits and tell her not to take them out by monday they will be a bit haywire but nothing compared to scruffy hair x

FridalovesDiego · 18/11/2019 08:26

Yes, you’re right NameChange84. I should not have specified the hair type, I should have just said that unkempt hair on children looks shite.

FridalovesDiego · 18/11/2019 08:27

And grim 😂

OneDay10 · 18/11/2019 08:31

She needs her hair cut. Hair down to her bottom is impractical and it looks awful, even if brushed and shiny.

Exactly especially if she isnt able to run a brush through her own hair. How does she not know this?
Does she brush her own teeth or dress herself? At 6 she can certainly be expected to brush her hair.

Crosscrosscrackers · 18/11/2019 08:33

Combing her hair is a basic part of looking after a little one. Is he doing it right? My daughter used to give her dad hell because would brush her hair from the roots rather than starting at the end and working up. Would he be amenable to you showing him how you do it? Sometimes it's easier to wash long hair each day and detangle with conditioner. If he really can't get the hang of it I would possibly suggest he doesn't have her the full weekend.

Countryescape · 18/11/2019 08:41

No one looks good with hair down to their bum. Why? Just why??

SoupDragon · 18/11/2019 08:48

Because she wants it that long? Is that such a difficult concept to grasp? (Apparently yes, yes it is)

SoupDragon · 18/11/2019 08:52

The problem isn't the hair, it is that the father can't be arsed to brush it. He doesn't seem to have complained about the length at all, he simply "forgets" to brush it. Which is bollocks really given the girlfriends DD has brushed hair - that must surely remind him.

Beautiful3 · 18/11/2019 08:54

I would buy a tangle teezer from amazon or boots. My girls have them, they are brilliant and dont hurt one bit. Pack it in her overnight bag and encourage her to use it after shes brushed her teeth morning and night. Failing that, perhaps cutting it would help?

Yabadee · 18/11/2019 09:13

My 4 year old DD has bum length, thick glorious red hair. It is absolutely gorgeous and nothing would make me cut it if she didn’t want it cut. It’s not grim or lank or messy in the slightest.

DP can’t do her hair, neither can MIL (her reasoning is she had all boys) but FIL taught himself how to do a basic ponytail using YouTube for when she stays there.

I’d french pleat it if you have no luck with speaking to the GF, OP. Don’t cut the poor child’s hair 😔

bluebluezoo · 18/11/2019 09:15

Because she wants it that long? Is that such a difficult concept to grasp? (Apparently yes, yes it is)

She’s 6 years old. If she wants it that long she needs to be able to look after it, whether that’s doing it herself or asking an adult to help and sitting still while they do.

6 year olds want a lot of things. If it involves significant adult input then the adult gets a say.

Cutting it to shoulder length will be much more manageable, and only require a quick pony tail. it will grow back if she wants it bum lenght when she can look after it.

Out of interest how long is the gf dd hair? Is it also bum length?

happycamper11 · 18/11/2019 09:37

Putting a hairbrush through hair is not 'significant parental input' it's basic parenting of a 6 year old

SlothMama · 18/11/2019 10:08

This really annoys me when men don't bother brushing their childs hair it's not a difficult task. Yes they squirm and moan but he could just get some detangling spray and get on with it. It's not hard to get hair into a ponytail, why he would send his child to school looking like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards is beyond me.
It's not his GFs responsibility but you need to be stern on this issue, he needs to brush his childs hair.

daisypond · 18/11/2019 10:11

Very long hair on small children is cringeworthy and very naff. Fetishising hair does little girls no favour.

MzHz · 18/11/2019 10:56

Cutting her hair will not make her father brush it.

True.

@Brushmyhair my ds has an Afro, he wanted to grow it and the deal was that HE cares for it.

He was 8 or 9 when he started growing it, he’s now a teen. It’s a bit of a nag fest to get him to wash and comb it out with conditioner etc, but he does it.

I wouldn’t have allowed him to grow it out before then, it would fall to me, and it was already a bit of a faff when it was an inch long.

Your dd is too young to be self sufficient when she has such long hair. Yes her dad could do his job, but he doesn’t want to and perhaps it’s to wind you up too.

So take the decision on behalf of your daughter, get it cut to a manageable length and get her a tangle teaser to comb her own hair morning and night.

Then as she grows, as her hair grows she will be able to keep up the maintenance.

You’re her parent, you give her to tools to be successful.

Derbee · 18/11/2019 10:57

Because she wants it that long? Is that such a difficult concept to grasp? (Apparently yes, yes it is)

So presumably a 6 year old can decide they want a pet, but are unable to feed and insure it, so a parent must provide said pet, and do everything g required to care for it?

Or a 6 year old can decide that they only eat ice cream, and the parent must provide icecream for all meals, and never anything else

Surely you can see how ridiculous it is for a 6 year old to make blanket demands for something that they are unable to maintain themselves

Derbee · 18/11/2019 11:00

And I wouldn’t brush her hair if I was your ex. I’d think it was ridiculous that she had such long hair, and if you insist on it, you look after it. I’d be too worried to cut it, as a separated parent, but there’s no bloody way I’d be spending ages brushing it when it’s such a weird thing for a child to have such long hair anyway IMO

MustardScreams · 18/11/2019 11:01

How the hell is having a pet comparable to a child having long hair? Seriously?

If a mother refused to do their child’s hair there would be uproar. But because fathers can get away with being feckless and lazy the solution is to cut a child’s hair that doesn’t want it cut.

How hard is it to brush your own kid’s hair?

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