Ex and DDs hair

[Brushmyhair]

Ex has the children a few nights a week and EOW, we live in the same area 10mins walk. Everything’s fine, and we get on well. The problem is DDs hair, she has very long straight/wavy hair all the way down to her bottom, I brush her hair twice a day. Once in the morning before school, and at bedtime I brush it and plait her hair into one long plait. If I don’t do this, her hair gets really tangled and she cries when I brush it. On the weekends when she’s at her dads, he doesn’t brush her hair all weekend so when he drops her off Sunday night her hair is all tangled/sticky borderline matted and I spend a good 20 mins brushing it which DD hates.

And he takes her to school with unbrushed hair, she literally just looks like she just woke up when I pick her up. This weekend they stayed at his house, and he sent me videos/pics of the children playing, and there was DD with her unbrushed tangled hair, looking like she just woke up and his girlfriends daughter in the background playing with brushed hair in a ponytail.

I know my daughter is not her responsibility, but it hurts to see DD so scruffy compared to her daughter. It’s funny because in the beginning when they just moved in together, she used to brush DDs hair and DD used to come home with hair in beautiful hairstyles and different hair accessories, but I guess the novelty of them living together has worn off and she doesn’t want to make an effort with my DC anymore. Again this is not her responsibility, but I also wonder why she stopped brushing her hair.

I’ve spoken to ex about this several times, he just says yeah yeah and ‘forgets’. Should I just leave it and brush her hair when she gets home until she’s old enough to do it herself? What would you do?

DD just turned 6 btw.

It always annoyed me how people acted like he had split the fucking atom for doing this, and this thread shows exactly why. Why can't we set the bar equally for competent and responsible parenting? If DH wasn't able to use a fucking hairbrush I wouldn't have had bloody children with him.

I know what you're saying but not many people are suggesting he shouldn't have to brush it because he is a man - they are saying that a child who whinges and cries about having their hair brushed should not have hair so long and likely to tangle, because it is impractical for a parent of either gender to deal with. It's nothing to do with him being a man.

I think the point was that OP's child ONLY whinges and cries during brushing after her father couldn't be fucked to brush it at all for a weekend. If he brushed it properly like he should, twice a day, there would be no whinging or crying because it wouldn't become a matted mess.

I saw a video review for this the other day and it's supposed to be excellent on tangled hair - Remington Detangler. No need to start from the bottom of the tangled hair - just slowly from the top. It doesn't work so well on matted hair, but then not much does.

Your ex really should be dealing with this. It really is no different from making sure she's brushed her teeth and put clean pants on.

I suspect as a PP said the GF has stopped getting involved because she doesn't feel it's her place and your DD may be moaning if she pulls her hair, etc. If I was the GF though I'd be telling your ex that he had to deal with it - it's really not fair on your DD to have her hair in a state while her (possible future) step-sister's looks lovely. At 6 she probably doesn't care, but she will start noticing soon enough or someone else will point it out.

I'd probably try and get your DD in to a habit of asking her DF and providing whichever hair tools make it easier. It's not your responsibility to provide them, but if it achieves the desired result it may be worth it.

This thread is absolutely crazy!

The issue is with your ex and the fact that he NEEDS to brush his daughter's hair. Regardless of the length, style, whether she complains or any other ridiculous excuse.

Speak to him again. Ring him Saturday morning and ask him if he's brushed it. Text him. Ring him on Sunday. KEEP reminding him until he does it. Surely that's the answer. Everything else on here has gone completely crazy!!

Then over the next few years as dd gets older she can learn to care for it herself and you can teach her how to do that.

Until such time, it is up to whichever parent has her to care for her basic needs.

I think it’s unfair to pile blame on his girlfriend

Good job no one is then.

Soupdragon, did you not read the original post? The op seems to be putting the blame on her ex’s girlfriend when it should all be directed at her ex. Ya know, her child’s FATHER and OTHER PARENT.

I'm shocked at the amount of people who say she should cut her hair.
Just because her dad can't be bothered to brush it!
Really?
Just tell him he needs to brush it.
A 6 year old shouldn't have to change her hair because someone won't brush it, that's just unfair

The issue is with your ex and the fact that he NEEDS to brush his daughter's hair. Regardless of the length, style, whether she complains or any other ridiculous excuse.

Except it's not a ridiculous excuse - if a child who has personally requested to not cut their hair is habitually complaining about having it brushed then the natural consequence is for them to have to have it cut. It's not ridiculous to say they can't have it both ways. If they want super long hair they have to be willing to maintain it.

@aSofaNearYou but some people are making explicit comments like the one I quoted, plus there is a underlying difference in lots of replies simply because he is a man. Not everyone I grant you, but I think it's generally accepted there are different expectations of male and female parents and it needs to be addressed. Parents of both sexes are equally capable of parenting and we need to set that bar accordingly.

(Apart from giving birth and breastfeeding, of course!)

I would get it cut a bit too as it sounds really long. Not just averagely long. It would be much less likely to touch other children’s hair and get nits too and won’t get so wildly matted. She cries about having it brushed so it’s just not practical. Also you should use detangling spray.

I think then he has no excuse not to brush it. There’s no reason not to, it’s not hard! He can’t forget - it’s before his eyes!

6 year olds should be able to brush their own hair and just get on with their day without stressing about it.

We give boys that luxury but it's more important that girls look pretty...

Except it's not a ridiculous excuse - if a child who has personally requested to not cut their hair is habitually complaining about having it brushed then the natural consequence is for them to have to have it cut. It's not ridiculous to say they can't have it both ways. If they want super long hair they have to be willing to maintain it.

But OP has never said she complains normally. Only after an entire weekend of it being left unbrushed which is understandable

I'm shocked at the amount of people who say she should cut her hair.
Just because her dad can't be bothered to brush it!

I'm saying she should cut her hair but not because her dad can't be bothered to brush it but because it's a pain, completely impractical and just the start of the shit she has to put up because she was born a girl. Later down the line it'll be spending lots of time and money on makeup, long nails that make doing anything difficult, shoes she can't walk in, clothes that don't keep her warm and dry. It plays into the idea that women are mostly for decorative purposes and they should suffer inconvenience and discomfort to achieve it. Men would not do this shit.

I would get a couple of inches trimmed off her hair. I bet the ends are in dreadful condition, which will make it tangle. It will be easier to manage in better condition.

I'm surprised everyone says short hair doesn't need brushing- it absolutely does IME (unless we're talking about a no 2 all over short) and it's a pain in the arse to style it, longer hair is far more forgiving except when washing it which does take longer.

MN is pretty damn conformist about appearance in general from what I've seen on past threads (no to tattoos, piercings etc) and seems to hate long hair on everyone in particular.

Also, it's good for kids to be allowed to make small choices for themselves, it's how they'll eventually learn to deal with more important ones.

Again this is not her responsibility, but I also wonder why she stopped brushing her hair

Probably because she’s sick to death of him lumping all of his parenting duties onto her. She’s his girlfriend, she’s not even your daughters step mother. It is absolutely nothing to do with her.

I've never met his GF as he always drops them off and picks them up, so can't speak to her. But I like the idea of mentioning it to her, I might drop them off once so I can tell her.

Tell her what OP?

OP hasn't really addressed whether fussing could be the reason they've stopped brushing her hair but given they used to and have now stopped and OP has mentioned she is prone to moaning if it does get tangled, it seems very likely.

My opinion would be different if she was sitting nicely and patiently while it happened and her dad was simply refusing to do it anyway, but if a child who begs for long hair frequently moans while it is being brushed then they ought to have it cut, in my opinion.

This is an interesting one for me because I find my dd’s hair difficult to manage (and my partner is similarly useless with hair, and no help with it either), and would like to either get it cut shorter (a bob) or have it professionally braided. It’s “problem hair”, and my mom dealt with mine (same hair) when I was little by having it cut short. DD herself wants to keep it long, but have it braided - she loves braids, and also can’t be bothered with brushing it constantly. However, my ex puts his foot down on both options. So, when she is with me, her hair is a total nightmare to take care of. I do brush it, use loads of conditioner on it, etc, but still sometimes have to end up cutting chunks out because they are matted.
My ex’s girlfriend however, is some kind of hair witch (I don’t mean that nastily - she’s a nice enough woman) and is able to keep it looking beautiful. Fuck knows how. And I feel they DO both judge me a bit for my inability to keep on top of it......
I would have a full and frank discussion with your ex about it, but be ready to listen to his views on whether he would find another style more manageable........

What a lazy bastard he is. How can he stand sending his child to school looking like a mess?!

Can you ask the teacher to help you shame him into doing it? Maybe a general letter saying ‘can parents please ensure all children have neat and tidy hair every day’?

That’s a thought actually - maybe he/her aren’t as gentle with her hair as you are so she finds it even more painful with them and has been upset, hence why they don’t do it?

There's nothing wrong with a child wishing to have their hair long. It doesn't look 'grim', whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean. It just looks long. A chin length bob will still mat and tangle if it isn't brushed. Anything longer than a grade 4 will mat and tangle if not brushed. A six year old with anything over a grade 4 will still need assistance to get to the back of their head, as it's a difficult bit of coordination to get right at first.

Just start at the ends and work up. Easy. There's no need to chop any of it off, a different shampoo might help, as baby ones don't suit all children's hair, but in all, it's a doddle to deal with if you know what you're doing.

I think this thread has moved on from the op, but in an interesting way.
Oyster babe raises some valid points.
We have here a female who at 6 is prepared to go through pain so that her hair is pretty. (Because for what other reason would anyone 'want' long hair?) . That's all kinds of wrong isn't it?

Blimey. I've heard it all now.
I have waist length hair. Twice in my life I've had it short .... once for a period of about 8 years when my mum wouldn't let me have it long. Once for about 5 years when ex said he preferred it short. Didn't like it either time. Nothing to do with princessing or prettifying.... I was pretty much the tomboy. Much more to do with being easy to manage. Just brush and tie up. Once you've learnt how to brush it, it really is much easier than any styled short cut. But also has a fantastic versatility for special occasions.
Bottom line - OP - I'd probably cut a bit off to show willing but making sure that she can still have all the styles she wants. I'd start teaching her to do as much as she can manage. I'd get it tied up in plaits before she leaves for ex's. And I'd get her to ask ex or step/half sister to help her out when she's brushing it.