Ex and DDs hair

[Brushmyhair]

Ex has the children a few nights a week and EOW, we live in the same area 10mins walk. Everything’s fine, and we get on well. The problem is DDs hair, she has very long straight/wavy hair all the way down to her bottom, I brush her hair twice a day. Once in the morning before school, and at bedtime I brush it and plait her hair into one long plait. If I don’t do this, her hair gets really tangled and she cries when I brush it. On the weekends when she’s at her dads, he doesn’t brush her hair all weekend so when he drops her off Sunday night her hair is all tangled/sticky borderline matted and I spend a good 20 mins brushing it which DD hates.

And he takes her to school with unbrushed hair, she literally just looks like she just woke up when I pick her up. This weekend they stayed at his house, and he sent me videos/pics of the children playing, and there was DD with her unbrushed tangled hair, looking like she just woke up and his girlfriends daughter in the background playing with brushed hair in a ponytail.

I know my daughter is not her responsibility, but it hurts to see DD so scruffy compared to her daughter. It’s funny because in the beginning when they just moved in together, she used to brush DDs hair and DD used to come home with hair in beautiful hairstyles and different hair accessories, but I guess the novelty of them living together has worn off and she doesn’t want to make an effort with my DC anymore. Again this is not her responsibility, but I also wonder why she stopped brushing her hair.

I’ve spoken to ex about this several times, he just says yeah yeah and ‘forgets’. Should I just leave it and brush her hair when she gets home until she’s old enough to do it herself? What would you do?

DD just turned 6 btw.

Next time he collects Dd get him to come in the house, and show him how to do a basic plait. Pack a brush, bobbles, and a leave in detangler spray for her weekends. Tell him he can't just forget, because it's upsetting her, and you're worried about headlice. If she comes back with unplaited hair repeat the process. If you can convey the headlice fear to your ex and his GF gets wind of it. I'd bet the hairstyling starts up if she's got a little girl too (nothing like nits to motivate preventative measures). The GF definately shouldn't be responsible for doing her hair, but hopefully she'll prompt ex's laziness a bit.

Most of our scoliosis patients have their hair in french plaits. They stay in for days. And keeps it tidy.

Are people really saying 6 is too young? Fgs she can run a brush through her hair surely? If she cant do that then it is for her benefit to cut it into something more manageable.
I know people see long hair on girls as some sort of a pride thing, but its ridiculous if it's getting matted and she cant brush her own hair.
My niece is 5yo and she brushes her own long hair. Ridiculous that a 6yo cant.

Another on the side of 'cut it off, ffs' here. If the child cannot manage it and it is time-consuming, well, at 6 she doesn't really get a vote on this.

I had one with long, long hair, mercifully not curly or frizzy, but at 6 she managed it well enough to make a pretty decent plait herself.

Oh, and to the poster above who said their 5-year-old's hair is 'her pride and joy', I would be rather worrying about the narratives the child has absorbed.

It's very likely that they stopped brushing it because she fussed and complained when they did.

It's not an issue specific to separated parents, I would be telling any little girl who wanted super long hair (as many do) that they need to be able and willing to put up with the maintenance for it. Similar to using the "are you going to feed it/take it for walks" argument on kids who beg for a pet. If she is frequently complaining then she needs to get it cut to something more manageable. It's a choice she needs to make.

I would probe your daughter to establish why they aren't brushing it and if they are trying and this is the real issue.

Leave the girlfriend out of it. It would be nice if she did your daughter's hair too, but she is not under any obligation to.

Your ex is, however, responsible for his daughter's personal care. He's just being a lazy fucker.

And it's bullshit men can't do girl's hair. My husband is 62 and has been doing DD7 and DD9 hair since they were little.

If your ex is not going to do his daughter's hair, then you should plait it, or consider cutting it shorter.

He is neglecting to assist with his daughter's personal care and should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.

I have long thick curly hair and always have (apart from the hideous undercut bob incident of the late nineties) , I was a brush refuser for a while at primary but would always let my gran do it. Partly it was because mum was less gentle, but mainly it was because at my grandparents' house I used proper adult conditioner not children's products. I remember my delight when she bought me my own for at home on the promise I let my mum brush it every night after my bath, it made a huge difference. What products does she have for her hair? IME those aimed at children are designed for straightish, fine hair not the thick curly, tangle prone, mane I had by your daughter's age.

I certainly wasn't suggesting she had her hair cut into a short back and sides but maybe to her shoulder blades - still long but a lot easier to manage.

My daughter at 6 could brush her own hair and put it in a pony tail. It isn't that unusual if hair is a sensible length.

Speak to your daughter and see if she's not letting him or gf do it.

I'd not cut her hair because he's a lazy twat. Part of childcare and by the sounds he'd not brush it whatever length. Could you send an industrial conditioner with her so that it doesn't get better and is ok for her to brush herself?

It sounds like the hair is very long and braids or a bit of a chop could help. Mine goes like hell if I do not brush it.

This post could have written about my DP and I I’m sure.

I have a SD close in age to my own DD and I absolutely refuse to her hair now. My DD can manage her own hair, brushes it and can put it in a low ponytail (has been able to be aged 6 so no reason your DD can’t).

I refuse to do SD’s hair because she screams, cries, shouts and me because her hair is so thick it gets matted easily and I hate doing it. It makes us all upset and SD sulks and acts like she hates me for a good half an hour afterwards. I do so much for her but that’s the line for me.

DP tries but she kicks off, runs off, screams etc. Her hair is brushed and detangled but it is the kind of hair that easily gets matted and there’s been times we’ve picked her up from school after mum’s done her hair in the morning and it still looks like that at the end of the day.
Her hair is only midway down her back too, I can’t imagine how horrific it would be if it was waist length 😩

I agree with the “cut it a bit” brigade I’m afraid. Waist length hair just isn’t practical is it? It’s difficult to manage and hurts when she needs it detangling, you said it’s fine so it must get really scraggy at the ends.
My DD would love long nails, but I cut those. Sometimes practicality is a must.
Not short / bob length, but if it’s down to her waist she could definitely do with a few inches off as much for aesthetics as anything else.

Too long to be easily managed, your DD will still have long hair even if a good few inches are taken off. It’s about making everything easier and hopefully ex will find it easier too.

I’ll bet your daughter played up or kept crying so the girlfriend doesn’t feel comfortable anymore.

You are having a pop at her though in your post which is out of line.

Why not ask her directly if she would do it instead of assuming she’s lost interest? That comment alone shoes you have a chip on your shoulder

Absolutely shocked people are saying a young child should be forced to have the hair she loves chopped off because her dad is a lazy shit.
Fwiw OP we have an almost identical problem but I'm not sure what to advise. Dd6 in my case though has very tight curls, so tight her hair length has barely yet to grow much past her ears. There's absolutely no way she could manage her hair herself although it's easy enough for another person to do. It can't be brushed and simply needs dampened and detangled curl by curl by hand with some conditioner each morning. Exp has had overnight eow contact since April and is still yet to manage to anything with her hair. He just leaves it all weekend and it looks like a birds nest by the time she gets back and is always traumatic to detangle. I wonder what all the 'cut her hair' posters suggest for this one - my only option here would be to shave it off!

Dd9 has bum length straight hair. She's perfectly capable of managing it and does so at home totally unprompted however the total lack of structure and routine at their dads means that she just forgets. She tends to come home on the Sunday with whatever hair style I've sent her with on the Friday. I've taught her to do her sisters hair and asked her to do it when at their dads but again it gets forgotten about during the late nights and constant screen time.

Exactly the same as you their dads gf (who is a qualified hairdresser) used to always do nice styles for dd9 but that has totally stopped. I don't expect her to do it as everyone agrees it's her dads responsibility but you'd think she'd at least feel a bit embarrassed being out with them looking scruffy and perhaps prompt him if he's not noticed. She does everything else for him despite the fact they don't live together (sorts his finances, pays his bills, arranges his parents evening slots and all other school communication as he pretends he can't do these things. He's also to this day never had dc on his own. She comes round every weekend when he has them)

Dd9's hair tends to be easiest when she goes with it plaited and comes home with it still like that. Perhaps you could put in a couple of very tight bands and ask them just to leave the plait in if they refuse to brush it. Obviously French plaits are an even better option but I for one just cannot do them, I've tried.

I think people are getting carried away with the cutting idea, as far as I can see only one person has recommended a bob which is quite a scary cut/change!

Exactly. Whilst one or two may have recommended a more drastic cut, on the whole it's just been a suggestion to cut it so it's more manageable all round and not quite as long. Long hair is heavy and personally I find French plaits left in for more than a few hours make my scalp hurt. I would think too short would be problematic in itself if no-one is brushing it. Just mid-back length so it can be tied back easily but is less effort all round.

Yes, her dad is being a lazy arse, aided by the "why is the GF not brushing it" brigade. But plenty of parents of either sex just make sure their child's hair is a manageable length.

you said it’s fine

I don't think she did.

But the child doesn't want her hair cut! And it's not outrageous to expect a parent to still brush the hair of a 6 year old. Her hair isn't unmanageable by the sounds of it. It just needs a small amount of basic care daily by an adult which is far from a ridiculous expectation

Long hair on 6 year olds is grim. They never have the fullness or body, it just looks ratty. And it is not the girlfriends responsibility. get it cut. Eurgh.

I'm actually quite shocked at how many posters think a child's haircut should be dependent on her own fathers willingness to learn how to brush and plait it.

This.

The father is a lazy arse. It's not that he can't brush his DD's hair, he simply doesn't bother.

Are people really saying 6 is too young? Fgs she can run a brush through her hair surely?

Well, apparently her father can't manage to run a brush through her hair and he is considerably older than 6. That's OK though - his DD should just get it cut because he is lazy or incompetent.

They never have the fullness or body, it just looks ratty.

Nonsense.

It’s about making everything easier and hopefully ex will find it easier too.

Cutting her hair will not make her father brush it.

Put it in a plait and give dd some spare bobbles, she should be able to put a bobble in when her hair near her head while it is still plaited and then undo the plait and brush that.

Another vote for using conditioner on dry matted hair.

I think your dd needs to give her dd a hairbrush, bobbles and mousse for Xmas.

FridalovesDiego

That's bollocks. Try telling that to me and all of my family who have either Black or Indian hair and were born with a thick head of waves or curls. Not every child has fine hair and long hair certainly isn't automatically "grim" on a child.

Regardless of who's looking after it, hair down to her bottom is very hard work, the longer it is the worse the condition, it becomes dryer and tangles easier. Spending days without it being washed, conditioned and brushed will be ruining her hair.

Very impractical and uncomfortable for a child. She could have a decent cut, but still have it long, it will be much healthier and easier to maintain.

Cut her hair a bit
Keep reminding ex
Have a chat to his GF too
Start teaching DD to maintain her own hair (if she wants long hair she has to maintain it)

@purplepalace my dd has hair down to her bottom. It's not hard work, nor is it dry, in poor condition impractical or uncomfortable. Where are you getting these ideas? She also only washes it twice a week which is perfectly fine. Hairdresser always comments what great condition it's in. She loves it and it's a battle to even get her to consent to a trim. At 6 she needed some help but now at 9 she manages it perfectly and has now learned to plait it her self too. I can't imagine going against her wishes and getting it cut mid length.