Ex and DDs hair

[Brushmyhair]

Ex has the children a few nights a week and EOW, we live in the same area 10mins walk. Everything’s fine, and we get on well. The problem is DDs hair, she has very long straight/wavy hair all the way down to her bottom, I brush her hair twice a day. Once in the morning before school, and at bedtime I brush it and plait her hair into one long plait. If I don’t do this, her hair gets really tangled and she cries when I brush it. On the weekends when she’s at her dads, he doesn’t brush her hair all weekend so when he drops her off Sunday night her hair is all tangled/sticky borderline matted and I spend a good 20 mins brushing it which DD hates.

And he takes her to school with unbrushed hair, she literally just looks like she just woke up when I pick her up. This weekend they stayed at his house, and he sent me videos/pics of the children playing, and there was DD with her unbrushed tangled hair, looking like she just woke up and his girlfriends daughter in the background playing with brushed hair in a ponytail.

I know my daughter is not her responsibility, but it hurts to see DD so scruffy compared to her daughter. It’s funny because in the beginning when they just moved in together, she used to brush DDs hair and DD used to come home with hair in beautiful hairstyles and different hair accessories, but I guess the novelty of them living together has worn off and she doesn’t want to make an effort with my DC anymore. Again this is not her responsibility, but I also wonder why she stopped brushing her hair.

I’ve spoken to ex about this several times, he just says yeah yeah and ‘forgets’. Should I just leave it and brush her hair when she gets home until she’s old enough to do it herself? What would you do?

DD just turned 6 btw.

My dd has bum length hair that I still have to do for her. It drives me nuts. I’d love her to cut it but she likes it and wants to keep it. Personally I think it would not only be easier to manage but would look better too. I have short hair myself because I can’t be faffed with long hair. It’s a pain in the arse. Bum length hair is atrocious. Can’t wait till she gets fed up with it or learns to brush and style herself. I bond with her over other things, the hair is just a chore.

I can understand and why your ex and his gf cba to deal with it. Don’t get me wrong, they still should - even I make the effort so dd doesn’t look untidy. It’s lazy of him to just leave it.

I think it's pretty abusive to forcibly cut a child's hair against their will. I think it's important she has a say in what happens to her hair and that it is respected.

Bob or even bra strap length from the length it currently is would be quite traumatic for a child who has made it clear she doesnt want shorter hair.

Dad needs to step up and stop being lazy. Does he neglect any of her other needs?

Do French plait it tightly and tell her that she must not remove the band. Also start showing her how to brush her hair and how to do a basic ponytail. By 7 I could plait, I learned on my dolls first so perhaps aim for that.

How about when you do her hair before she leaves do it in some nice tight french braids, if done in wet hair it stays lovely and neat for a good few days, and just mention to her to leave her hair as it is til she comes home (maybe Infront of her dad). And then when you take it out it'll.be really tight waves and she'll love it!!

@AnneLovesGilbert

This is about hair styles, no evidence he doesn’t feed her or wash her

🙄it’s not about a hair style, it’s about him BRUSHING her hair. Like her teeth, she’s 6 and needs help

As someone with hair below my waist, I never brush it but use a detangling comb. I gave up cutting and styling my hair because it took so long and never stayed the same way, but combing it out is much quicker and easier. Mum taught me to plait with thick wool when I was around 6 then I learned to do it myself on my hair. My hair is either in a plait or ponytail most days and has been most of my life. Try letting her use a wide tooth comb herself, starting at the bottom and working her way up as it detangles.

And a seven year old is quite capable of putting a kirby grip into a growing out fringe, to another pp.

I think it’s unfair to pile blame on his girlfriend. I’ll be honest and say she probably cba. Your dd’s hair is very long and your dd doesn’t like having it brushed if it gets knotty. It must be something she grew to not look forward to doing, hence the sudden stop. Maybe she’s fed up of making the effort while your ex sits idly by and does nothing. She’s his daughter and he should be taking care of her hair like you do as her parent.

Many 6yos can't manage their own hair. I know a 5yo who gives it a good go, but you can tell which days she did it and when it was done for her, it has clearly been attempted though. My 6 yo and 8 yo can't manage their own hair themselves (dyspraxia is a factor). By male standards they have it long, about shoulder length, or a "nice neat bob", but it still ends up tangling and matting up. Using hair oil really helps to detangle and prevent it tangling up.

It is poor for Ex to not bother to look after his child's hair properly.

Girls with longer thicker hair tend to go to camp plaited up and it usually survives a couple of days. It does go frizzy, but stops the big tangles building up.

I always do dsd hair have done from day 1.. She loves it done and I get to practice different styles.
If dh does it he just brushes it. Or tries a pony tail but she always asks for me to do it.
I could never treat my dcs different to her.

Your ex needs to at least brush it. It doesn't need to look perfect but brushed and an attempt at neatness at least so no, YANBU.

My DD is 6 and there is no way she could manage her own hair (although it is long and very curly). So those saying she should be doing it herself are being unrealistic.

I think it’s unfair to pile blame on his girlfriend

Good job no one is then.

I’d say the GF is a big red herring and xdh needs to Get His Shit Together and care for his offspring

Alternatively (and not entirely whimsically) pop round every morning and evening with the tangle teaser to do his job for him. Bet he will be stepping up in less than a week

Bum length hair is really long. Even cutting it to her waist would make it miles easier to brush and look after (for the OP as well).

Why are posters asking what age the girl is? read the OP , do you need little bullet points and emojis to be able to comprehend the information given? Sake.

At six can she not brush her own hair? Perhaps it is something you could start gently easing her into, showing her the ropes so to speak.

I also think you should remind her when she is at her dad's to tell him she needs help with her hair (until she can confidently do it herself). I don't think it's that big a deal to be honest!

Also, yeah, arse-length hair looks shit on anyone, is there any need for it? The owner of the hair, and the other parent can’t cope with it, so something needs to change.

@AnneLovesGilbert

This is about hair styles, no evidence he doesn’t feed her or wash her.

Brushing a child’s hair is basic care. Her hair is being left unbrushed for a whole weekend. It’s not about hairstyles.

I think it's fine to ask exs GF to remind ex to brush his kids hair. You are all adults and therefore gf does have some responsibility to add. Maybe not to be expected to do the hair but ensure DS basic needs are met. Not all kids can do things that kids of other age can.
Plus get dd to remind your ex.
Ask him from all angles and he should step up

Cut her hair to a manageable length. She doesn't need hair down to her waist.

I can't believe how many PP say this 6 year old MUST have hair at this length because she likes it. She is 6 ! 6 year olds don't dictate how long their hair has to be, especially when they can't even brush it themselves.

In your situation I'd be realistic and take her for a hair cut . The hairdresser can also give a lesson in brushing it herself / putting it up in a pony tail.

I'm actually quite shocked at how many posters think a child's haircut should be dependent on her own fathers willingness to learn how to brush and plait it.

I'll admit that DH was clueless about how to plait DSD's hair when we met, but he was perfectly able to help her brush it and keep it tidy in a ponytail/bunches (and after a single lesson from me able to plait it also).

It's not rocket science

Cut her hair. Down to her bum? Why?

He's a lazy fucker and a shit parent IMO

and

he is a cunt
he's doing it to spite you

Goodness - the obsession with popping off this little girl's hair (cut off 50cm / scalp her!)

YABVVVVVVVVU.

6 yr olds with hair down to bottom is absolutely ridiculous. Hair should be at a length that DC can manage it themselves. As they get older, they can grow their hair as they learn to wash/brush/style.

I’m a big advocate for respecting children and allowing them a day in their lives. But if a child’s hair is too long for them to look after, they don’t get to decide that they’re not having a haircut. A bob is clearly too dramatic. But you can experiment with shorter lengths, until it is at a stage that she can brush it. You can explain that as she gets older and can do more, her hair can keep growing.

My DN is allowed to choose her clothes, within reason. She doesn’t get to decide that she wants to wear no shoes and only a T-shirt in the middle of winter. Respect, autonomy and sensible boundaries