Ex and DDs hair

[Brushmyhair]

Ex has the children a few nights a week and EOW, we live in the same area 10mins walk. Everything’s fine, and we get on well. The problem is DDs hair, she has very long straight/wavy hair all the way down to her bottom, I brush her hair twice a day. Once in the morning before school, and at bedtime I brush it and plait her hair into one long plait. If I don’t do this, her hair gets really tangled and she cries when I brush it. On the weekends when she’s at her dads, he doesn’t brush her hair all weekend so when he drops her off Sunday night her hair is all tangled/sticky borderline matted and I spend a good 20 mins brushing it which DD hates.

And he takes her to school with unbrushed hair, she literally just looks like she just woke up when I pick her up. This weekend they stayed at his house, and he sent me videos/pics of the children playing, and there was DD with her unbrushed tangled hair, looking like she just woke up and his girlfriends daughter in the background playing with brushed hair in a ponytail.

I know my daughter is not her responsibility, but it hurts to see DD so scruffy compared to her daughter. It’s funny because in the beginning when they just moved in together, she used to brush DDs hair and DD used to come home with hair in beautiful hairstyles and different hair accessories, but I guess the novelty of them living together has worn off and she doesn’t want to make an effort with my DC anymore. Again this is not her responsibility, but I also wonder why she stopped brushing her hair.

I’ve spoken to ex about this several times, he just says yeah yeah and ‘forgets’. Should I just leave it and brush her hair when she gets home until she’s old enough to do it herself? What would you do?

DD just turned 6 btw.

Why do people post on here if they can't read? At least 4 people has asked how old the DD is!! OP clearly stated she just turned SIX

Yep to 2 French plaits - do it nice and tight when her hair is wet, use lots of mousse to keep the fluffies in and then hairspray to finish. You should be able to knock it like wood and it will stay in for days. We used to do this with DD2 (MOUNTAINS of slightly fluffy hair) when she was going through a cross phase and would HOWL if you so much as touched her head. It saved us all hours of suffering and she was fascinated by having hard hair.

(Does this make me seem like a dreadful Mum?)

I agree, hair that length isn’t necessary for looks or practicality, it’s one thing if it is being managed but it isn’t. Just below shoulders would still be ‘long’ but far, far more attractive in terms of practicality and ease of looking after.

*If the girl's father can't or won't, the resident woman should pick up his parenting slack? How far might that go? How many parts of parenting could he decide to give up on, given that he has a convenient live-in female nearby?

And let's not pussyfoot around, it's 'won't'*

Who cares what the reason is, ladybee28? If the reason is that her father is a knob, that's not the child's fault. And any half decent person would make sure the child's needs are catered for.

Plus most women are better at doing little girls' hair than most men are. Fact.

I don’t think many men would manage a little girl’s hair that long.

Men have arms too? DH isn't amazing at a tight smooth ponytail (IM very picky O!) but he's perfectly capable of looking after our dd's hair.

Toni & Guy have a leave in conditioner that makes the length of it much easier to brush, btw.

She's too young to have hair that length - maybe when she's older and can manage it herself AND if she want's it that long.

Unless there are any religious reasons for not cutting her hair I think about 50cm off would be the way to go. Why hamper such a young child with so much hair! If I was the OW I wouldn't feel comfortable trying to manage such long fine hair on a little girl.

YANBU, your ex is being a lazy shite. Don't cut her (what I presume is) lovely hair just because he can't be arsed to run a brush through it. Loads of Mumsnetters seem to have a thing for cutting little girls hair off into "short, sensible bobs". I second the french braid idea.

If he's not brushing her hair OP, I'd count it as neglect especially if she's going to school like it. And what else isn't he doing.........

If he can't be arsed, then I wouldn't let her go there.

It's not fair or right that she needs to have a hairstyle that her father can be bothered to make an effort with

Plus most women are better at doing little girls' hair than most men are. Fact.

Why do you think that is? Lack of ability or lack of practise? I know some fantastic male hairdressers (and many of them are straight, so let's not even go there). If men can learn to cut and style hair, they can learn to brush it and put it in a ponytail. If they don't, it's because they can't be bothered to and think it's "women's work". It's not because they're incapable. Little bit of practise and any able-bodied man could brush someone's hair. FFS.

YANBU , I had the same problem. One weekend when I used detangling spray and plaited it, she came back 3 days later with this welded plait as they hadn’t unplaited it or brushed it once in 3 days.

It’s basic care just like washing and teeth. She is ONLY 6, so not old enough to be doing it herself. My 11yo still freaks out due to sensory issues, so no, not every kid can brush their own hair by 6.

I would suggest that you plait it , on the Friday morning, so if it’s not touched it won’t look so bad?

It shows a lack of care and self respect if he is ok to take her out in such a state, but sadly some people just aren’t bothered.

Please don’t cut her hair off because her Dad can’t be arsed to brush it.
I’d speak to him every single time about brushing it. You can also spend time with her showing her how to brush it starting at the ends. My 4 year old always has a go at hers before I do it.
Also, when she gets home get her in the bath and put conditioner in it and use a wide tooth comb. It won’t hurt as much.

He is being lazy. brushing her hair is part of looking after her. She shouldn't have to get it cut just because he can't be arsed. That said, it might be easier if she has it shoulder length anyway for you and for her. My dd had very long hair and I remember well the endless brushing and de-tangling.

Seconding @Molly2010, please don't cut her lovely hair just because he's too lazy to take care of her properly. I like the ideas about sending her with plaits, and maybe gradually start teaching her to at least be able to brush it herself too.

Cut it. You can't force him to deal with it. I'd ask him one last time and say if he can't do it then you're cutting it as it's not fair on her to have matted hair.

If the relationship is amicable then can you speak to your ex’s partner? Do they live together?

Perhaps she doesn’t wnT to do it as she might feel she stepped on your toes and has backed off?

I would speak to her directly.

Some of these responses are crazy. Lots of little girls want long hair, and she can't be punished because her father hasn't been bothered to brush it. And while it isn't the responsibility of his GF, it seems strange to brush one head of hair in the room, and ignore the other. Maybe your daughter doesn't like them doing it? If that's not an issue, you could get her to approach one of them with a brush and a bobble and ask them to do it.

I can't believe the responses on here. NO you shouldn't cut her long beautiful hair because her father is too lazy to brush and plait her hair. As for it would be hard for most men, well maybe then we should stop infantiling men and treat them as equals and show them how to look after their child's hair and expect them to do it. Tell him he needs to step up.

My dh used to do dd hair when she was little. It was matted, he had more patience than me.
It wasn't practical, it was a pain, so we had it cut to a length we all could manage including dd.
Nothing to do with being together or not, it's common sense.
Mine would have liked it down to her bottom but it wasn't practical.

The OP mentioned how old her daughter was in her OP. I'm astonished at all the people demanding to know how old she is!

Yanbu. Exh is just the same. Dds go to school looking terrible. It's much worse now dd1 Hair gets greasy. I feel embarrassed when I pick them up from school on Mondays.

Dd2 (7) would like to grow her fringe out but cannot because exh won't use a clip yo keep it out of her face.

Some men are massive twats about this stuff

I've asked DD if she wants her hair cut, and she always says no. He picks them up Friday evening, they have a bath here, pyjamas on and I plait her hair before she leaves, but it doesn't stay like that as the hair band comes off the next day. I've never met his GF as he always drops them off and picks them up, so can't speak to her. But I like the idea of mentioning it to her, I might drop them off once so I can tell her.

@AnneLovesGilbert I'm not having a "pop" at the girlfriend, just wondering why she went from brushing DDs and making an effort to suddenly nothing.

Your daughter should not have to chop off her hair because your ex is lazy

Has the school said anything?

Posters telling you to cut her hair. What kind of rubbish they talk! Ridiculous
You have a problem and they are telling you to get her hair cut! WTF

Anyway I would tell you ex he need to help her brush her hair and explain to your DD it may be helpful for her to ask

Don't cut it

I do think a good trim helps, doesn't have to be a scary CUT,
wash and leave in lots of conditioner, plait at night. can he do that? 6 is v young to manage very long hair. my DD has long hair and only since age 9 been soritng herself properly.

Fathers happily take sons to the barbers, they can certainly learn to brush longer hair.

Your ex does need to do this, it's basic care like brushing teeth. In the absence of this, can you teach her to at least plait it over her shoulder - nothing complicated like a french plait, just pull all her hair over one shoulder and twist it together in something vaguely plait-like - my youngest is 6 and I taught him to do something close to a plait in wool once.