Ex and DDs hair

[Brushmyhair]

Ex has the children a few nights a week and EOW, we live in the same area 10mins walk. Everything’s fine, and we get on well. The problem is DDs hair, she has very long straight/wavy hair all the way down to her bottom, I brush her hair twice a day. Once in the morning before school, and at bedtime I brush it and plait her hair into one long plait. If I don’t do this, her hair gets really tangled and she cries when I brush it. On the weekends when she’s at her dads, he doesn’t brush her hair all weekend so when he drops her off Sunday night her hair is all tangled/sticky borderline matted and I spend a good 20 mins brushing it which DD hates.

And he takes her to school with unbrushed hair, she literally just looks like she just woke up when I pick her up. This weekend they stayed at his house, and he sent me videos/pics of the children playing, and there was DD with her unbrushed tangled hair, looking like she just woke up and his girlfriends daughter in the background playing with brushed hair in a ponytail.

I know my daughter is not her responsibility, but it hurts to see DD so scruffy compared to her daughter. It’s funny because in the beginning when they just moved in together, she used to brush DDs hair and DD used to come home with hair in beautiful hairstyles and different hair accessories, but I guess the novelty of them living together has worn off and she doesn’t want to make an effort with my DC anymore. Again this is not her responsibility, but I also wonder why she stopped brushing her hair.

I’ve spoken to ex about this several times, he just says yeah yeah and ‘forgets’. Should I just leave it and brush her hair when she gets home until she’s old enough to do it herself? What would you do?

DD just turned 6 btw.

I've not read the full thread so sorry if this has come up, but if I have ever had matted or tangled hair it has been brushed out really easily with a Mason and Pearson. They cost a lot but LAST (I had my first at 15, it broke when I was 35 and am now on my second, I am 45). It seems a shame to cut it if it looks lovely and she likes it and I have found these brushes are brilliant

Of course your dd will say no to a haircut. She’d also say no to plenty of other things but I would seriously consider cutting it.

My DD has long wild thick curly hair but I’m prepared to look after it so happy to keep it long. However I’m now thinking of cutting it (she’s 8) because it is a lot of work

I think people are getting carried away with the cutting idea, as far as I can see only one person has recommended a bob which is quite a scary cut/change!

Personally hair down to bottom for me is impractical and I prefer to keep my own daughters what I would call ‘bra strap length’ a few inches of so she can start to learn to manage her own hair is not akin to a head shave!

This being said if you’re daughter doesn’t want it cutting and he still won’t make an effort with her hair even after all the times you’ve asked them really apart from the plait idea or teaching her to do her own hair then realistically what can you do?

I think the focus needs to be taken off the GF it’s not her responsibility it’s her dads and I think if you ask her why she stopped doing it, it might not go down well. How long has it been since she stopped doing her hair? Maybe she’s been unwell, busy or tired etc, maybe her daughter can do her own hair. So many variables here.

I think talk to ex one more time make it clear her hair has to be clean and brushed and that this is none negotiable if nothing comes from this then teach her how to do a simple pony tail on herself.

Fucking men can work a hairbrush. My god. They’re in charge of the world and women are making excuses for them not being able to brush hair ? Ffs

I think it needs chopping too. Hair that long is always just because the parents like it but is completely impractical for a child.

Like fuck would I be cutting off my DD’s hair because her dad can’t remember to brush it!!

These responses are mental, I would be asking him every week why hadn’t brushed it until he got the message that it is not optional to brush her hair!

What an absolute knobhead.

It needs to be a more manageable style/length. Bottom length is too long if she is not doing it herself who has 40mins a day spare to just brush hair?!??!

He needs to learn to brush it once it is manageable.

You are her parents act like it and work it out.
The gf has no responsibility to spend her time brushing your daughters hair because you are both too spineless to be reasonable and say no to it being a stupid time consuming length.

Get a grip and be reasonable.

And to demand he spends 40mins each day out of maybe 12 hours just to hair is controlling by you

I'd ask him one last time and say if he can't do it then you're cutting it

Why do you think he would care?

who has 40mins a day spare to just brush hair?

It's not 40minutes. It takes 20 minutes for the OP to brush out the matted hair.

a trim is the way forward. just had DDs hair trimmed, still very long, but my god what a difference in managing.

but Queenoftheashes your comment really made me laugh. you are so right.

People saying to cut her hair off (which she most likely loves...??) are crazy. No way would I cut my DD's hair off just so its "easier" for someone else to manage. OP, I think you may have to start showing DD how to brush her hair with a easy grip brush or something. If her dad can't be arsed then this may be the only solution.

Please do not let her get her hair cut. She would just get upset, and why should she be punished because dad is lazy .
I had to have 18 inches cut off my hair this year and was upset for months.

Could you invite him in and explain how serious the problem is and as her father it its his place to do her hair.
Then text him daily to check
If he wont then no overnight stays as he is not being responsible.

Get her hair cut back to length that she can manage herself. Bum length hair looks like you just don't care and it's just making life unnecessarily hard. If she wants super long hair she can have that when she can manage it herself.

My DH does our DD’s hair on days when he takes her into school and her hair is very curly and difficult to style. He always just puts it into a ponytail but that’s all it needs. She looks like she’s been dragged through a hedge backwards when she comes home but she’s 5...

Your ex is BU. He needs to take responsibility for his child.

As an insight I have recently stopped brushing dsd's hair - not because I don't want to, i'd much rather it looks nice (particularly as is clear here people will judge me rather than dp for the state of her). However, she kicks up a massive fuss about it hurting even though I'm very gentle and insists she can do it herself. I'm not her mum so I don't feel like I can tell her tough luck sit down tolerate the discomfort and perhaps your exes gf feels the same. My dp will normally pull a brush through it now but she has curly hair so it looks... interesting.

I have a 6 year old with similar hair. Neither DH nor I are much good with hair but there is very little difference in our abilities to brush DD's hair and put it in a ponytail, even though DH has only had to do this for a few years. I couldn't possibly do a French plait although I expect DH could learn if he had to.

Anyway, OP, I think this tells you something about your DH and why he is an ex. It's one of those things that sounds minor but tells you a lot about someone.

I certainly think your DD could brush it herself if she had a Tangle Teazer (they're great). My DD can, although she does need prompting. If you send her with clothes etc, can you stick a big note on the bag BRUSH YOUR HAIR? Can her sibling remind her?

My partner really doesn’t get how to deal with his DC hair, it’s ridiculously long and quite thick. She arrives with it down a lot as well which means it’s been loose all day and quite matted. He does try to brush it but DC complains or gets upset bc he’s not used to handling long hair, regardless of how much he tries.
Your ex does at least need to attempt it but also YABU to expect gf to brush it, I don’t do that for my SC unless specifically asked or to step in when DP is struggling.

The reason DC has bum length hair is bc mum likes it, DC often complains it gets in her face / way. But mum won’t cut it and of course my partner wouldn’t get it cut without agreement. So we’re sort of stuck here.

YANBU to expect him to at least try but YABU if she has unmanageable hair bc of your preference and you expect others to maintain it for your want.

My 5 yr old has very long thick hair. Down to her bottom. Takes me a good 45 mins to brush each day.

She would be absolutely devastated if I ever cut it. It’s her pride and joy

I do exactly the same as you. Brushed twice a day and plaited at night. I like the idea of tight french plaits. My husband cannot braid hair. So he does the same as you. Just leaves it. So I totally understand where you’re coming from. Hugs

Brush and plait your dd’s hair in two tight French plaits on mornings they’re going to stay over at their dads. That should hold for a couple of days.

It’s completely not the GF’s responsibility to plait or maintain your DC’s hair it’s your ex’s.

If he’s useless/unwilling/a shit dad, then either find a hairstyle that stays relatively neat for a couple of days, cut the hair shorter, or just learn to live with the current situation.

At6she can brush her hair herself, it won't be perfect but certainly can try

I have this problem and I just plait it as others say. It looks a bit scruffy as it gets slept on but it's better than it getting tangled.

Lol at people suggesting she has her hair cut just because her dad is too lazy to brush it.

@Brushmyhair if you have issues with the band falling out I recommend using the rubber snap bands you can buy from primark/ebay etc. They are non slip, can be wrapped extremely tight and be cut or snapped out the hair meaning no damage from it pulling hair out. I just did my daughters hair in bubble braid pigtails today for a full on dance competition and her hairs still in place now