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Aibu nightmare child in dd class

265 replies

mussymummy · 16/11/2019 22:47

So will try to keep this brief, dd was at nursery for 3 years with child, let's call him Bob who physically hurt her and other kids from age 2 when he bit another boy in the face. Nursery did not do enough (they have admitted this since) and the mother keeps making excuses for her darling Bob.
So now they are both in P1 in same class, I did request a class change for my dd but did not happen. He is a nightmare, punching kids in face, at afterschool club he has bitten and kicked one of the workers, his mum still refuses to accept responsibility for him and makes excuses
So this week he told my 5yo dd he was goin to kill her mummy and daddy as we slept. Cue tears, my heart breaking as my dd made me lock every window and door in house as she followed me doing it. She woke 3 times.that night (always sleeps right through) convinced child of chucky was trying to break in.
Ladies what do I do? The mother (aged in 40's with 2 older teenage ds) refuses to do anything about his behaviour because she has already raised 2 sons and there is nowt wrong with them.
I am struggling to know how to handle this. I spoke to the school who told me they have a behaviour plan in place for Bob and the last time I contacted the mum directly it did not go well (when we thought dd had a broken nose after Bob smacked her in face with toy car, there was lots of blood)
Any advice on next steps / how I handle this would be much appreciated

OP posts:

7salmonswimming · 16/11/2019 22:57

  1. You reassure your child, tell her that Bob can’t do anything to her mum and dad, and that you are taking steps to protect her

2. You speak to Bob’s parents in firm and clear terms. If they don’t control their son, you will continue making written reports to the school and if things escalate you will also report the school

3. You speak to the school (whoever it would be in the country you live in) and say if they continue to fail to protect your child from physical and emotional harm (all of which you’re documenting) you’ll be taking things further with whoever it is in your country.

If all of that fails, withdraw your child. Soon her education will suffer - it’s not worth making a stand over at this age. But you need to make clear to your daughter that this isn’t you caving to a bully; it’s you withdrawing her from a school that’s failing to protect her.

AmberAndAlexsMum · 16/11/2019 22:59

I had a similar problem when my daughter was at primary school 20 years ago. I told them firmly that I was going to involve the police if anything happened again. The mother of the horrible child panicked because she had already had the police involved previously and was scared all her kids would be taken away by SS. My daughter had no further problems.

As your daughter has suffered injuries, in your place, I would tell the other mother that I was going to get the police involved and see how she reacts. Tell the school as well. Make a massive fuss.

My son was a nightmare at primary, and was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, eventually being sent to a special school. That little boy sounds very very similar. Although my late husband and I took notice and did something about it.

I hope you can get this resolved soon. Only other alternative is to move your daughter to another school, or homeschool her, and make a big fuss about how you are being forced into this.

Good luck.


Dragongirl10 · 16/11/2019 23:00

Op can you change schools, this must be terrifying for your DD?

She will only see that nothing was done to protect her despite your best l second7salmons post.


Chocolateandchats · 16/11/2019 23:04

Request a meeting with the headteacher or similar and explain how much this has affected your daughter. I agree with above too, tell them you’ll get police involved, this will not reflect well on the school so they’ll be keen to avoid it.
My heart goes out to you and your baby ☹️


Teachermaths · 16/11/2019 23:05

Bob may have undiagnosed SEN and school won't tell you this (obviously).

All you can do is reassure your daughter.

Report every incident with Bob to the school and ask the school why they aren't keeping your child safe.

School can only give information on your child.


HuntIdeas · 16/11/2019 23:09

Why on earth are people recommending going to the police? What do you think they are going to do about a 5 year old with behaviour problems?

I agree that you need to keep have a meeting with the school to discuss what methods they will use to safe-guard your child. Or think about changing schools.


Andysbestadventure · 16/11/2019 23:10

If he does @Teachermaths and he continues to harm other children, isn't it on the school to remove him to stop him harming others? At what point does his right to a mainstream education override the rights of other children to not be repeatedly assaulted by another child?


Teachermaths · 16/11/2019 23:15

At what point does his right to a mainstream education override the rights of other children to not be repeatedly assaulted by another child?

That point is rarely reached in England.

The state have a responsibility to educate Bob. The only way he will not be in mainstream education is through getting an EHCP which names a specific specialist school for Bob. This is incredibly difficult to get and will take minimum 2 years. From the language OP is using she might be in Scotland and I'm not sure if the process is the same.

The school are responsible for keeping OPs daughter safe too. But this doesn't mean Bob is removed from education.


AcrossthePond55 · 16/11/2019 23:17

I'm in the US so this may not apply. We ended up getting an 'education lawyer' (specialized in school issues) to attend a meeting with the principal (head teacher) regarding a child in DS1's class who was injuring other children. The lawyer pointed out the school's legal liability and the possibility of very public lawsuits if this child seriously injured our child (or any child).

The issue was very shortly resolved despite months of the principal saying there was 'nothing he could really do'.


NoFun21 · 16/11/2019 23:21

Bob is a child just like your daughter. Ridiculous to call the police. Speak to the nursery, make reports etc but remember he is also a child and his behaviour is a communication of distress.


Starlight456 · 16/11/2019 23:25

I agree , ask how your child will be safeguarded.

They won’t tell you about the other child .


Nanny0gg · 16/11/2019 23:25

You go into school and see the HT. And you mention the word 'safeguarding.'

And you point out that your daughter is not being kept safe and what are they going to do about it?

You speak to the LA and you report to OFsted as the school is failing in its duties to keep the children safe (if this is appropriate for Scottish schools)

They can't tell you what they are doing with Bob but they can tell you what they will do for your daughter.


Waveysnail · 16/11/2019 23:25

Do not approach the mother - it never ends well and no school would advise that.

If you have had a meeting with teacher then escalate to a meeting with principal and letter of concern to board of govenors wouldnt hurt.

Ultimately if this child has issues and mother will not engage then the school is stuck. I'm preppy sure they can even bring in outside help without parental permission.

I would seriously push for a class change for your daughter.


sunshiney78 · 16/11/2019 23:30

I had a similar issue. Child injured DD who was 5 at the time after months of threats & injuring other kids. Met with HT & nothing much came off that meeting so I contacted SS & informed them (with photos) what had happened. Soon after the child was put in a different class with an extra teacher to supervise him only.


scoobydoo1971 · 16/11/2019 23:32

My youngest child was being bullied at primary school, and came home with bruises and all sorts. The teachers blamed her for having SEN, and told me to take her to see a doctor. I refused as she was a happy child outside school. I knew that if I complained then it would take months or years to get the offenders dealt with, and I hear they are still hitting other kids without proper sanction. So, I withdrew her from the school last summer and she is now a very happy home schooled child. While the school do have a duty of care to protect children from harm, it can takes a long time to get this enforced. I wouldn't risk my own child's well being by going down the route of complaint, but if I were you then I would be looking at transfer to another school.


Quartz2208 · 16/11/2019 23:34

Dd had a similar child (albeit with the caveat that he adored DD no idea why but she was the only child he never hurt) it took to year 4 to get him into the specialist school he needed and thrived at


holidays987 · 16/11/2019 23:35

We had a similar issue last year, for a whole year my DD (4 at the time) was being pinched, scratched, hit, flung on the floor etc by a child, I believe he had some special educational needs.
We wrote numerous letters of concern to to the school regarding our child being regularly injured, had meetings with the teacher and other concerned parents.

The boy's parents did nothing to help the situation so speaking to them was a waste of time. Teachers could do very little, though I'm sure they found it really hard having him in the class and were often injured by him themselves. Long story short.. we changed her school. She's now much, much happier though does sometimes recall horrible memories of being cornered and grabbed / scratched. We had ended up in A&e with her having had her eye ripped by him and blood everywhere and that's an awful memory for her. She's doing well at the new school and no children there are this violent. (The boy is still at the other school, still doing the same thing to classmates and still nothing has been done to protect the other kids). Don't count on the school taking any serious action.


GreenTulips · 16/11/2019 23:38

Report every incident with Bob to the school and ask the school why they aren't keeping your child safe

In writing

Get the complaints procedure and quote it in your emails

Move schools


ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 16/11/2019 23:39

I don't know what you expect his mum to do about his behaviour in school. She isn't there and she's not responsible for either managing his behaviour then or keeping your DD safe.

Tbh if the school are proving completely ineffectual, I'd consider changing schools. I don't see how it will improve.


CareOfPunts · 16/11/2019 23:42

That sounds awful. Your poor daughter. And I know you understandably probably don’t give a shit about Bob, but he’s being failed badly as well. His “mother” needs a toe up her arse and to seek appropriate support for her child.

In your case, sad as it is, I’d be looking for a new school and just remove her from the situation. You shouldn’t have to, but Bob is unlikely to improve without the help he needs and isn’t getting.


Potatoesx12 · 16/11/2019 23:44

As the mother of a 'Bob' there isn't really that much you can do once they aren't with you.

Once they are at school it is handed over to them.

It sucks, makes you feel rubbish, you become sidelined in the playground by the other parents, no playdates or party invitations.


GrumpyHoonMain · 16/11/2019 23:47

Tell the school he threatened to kill her parents and play the concerned parent card - that he might be being abused etc at home. The school will be dutybound to inform ss


CareOfPunts · 16/11/2019 23:47

I don't know what you expect his mum to do about his behaviour in school. She isn't there and she's not responsible for either managing his behaviour then or keeping your DD safe.

I understand this, my son has special needs and can melt down in school and it’s behaviour we don’t see at home at all so it’s difficult. The difference between us and Bob’s mum is we accept our child needs support and are working with the school and external agencies to make sure he gets it. Not pretending he’s fine and there are no issues


Wearywithteens · 16/11/2019 23:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Flaskfan · 16/11/2019 23:52

I went someone like this. He terrorised our estate for years and years. He was also sexually inappropriate from a young age. As an adult, I can see he clearly had a fucked up home life and I wonder if as were ever involved..but it was the 80s, so.probably not. I'd speak to the safeguarding lead at school- it's age inappropriate.

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