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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is DD being a spoilt brat?

294 replies

Inlawsoutlaws · 16/11/2019 13:45

Myself and DH are in a lucky position where we can afford to buy somewhere for our grown up DCs (to live together). They are late twenties living in a very expensive European city. One has a short term boyfriend and the other is single.

DH and I want to buy a large house for them which would effectively use up our spare cash and be their inheritance. House in question is a bit tired and would require work. DCs are grateful but have said they don’t have the time or resources to manage house and garden and are concerned about the cost. They also see it as a short term arrangement and would rather buy a flat, which I am very against for various reasons (primarily do not see it as a good investment).

They are in such a fortunate position but can’t seem to see it! Are they being spoilt? We lock horns all the time about their reasoning but I want to get outside opinions

OP posts:
Topseyt · 16/11/2019 17:41

I think this is probably a reverse, but either way it is a ludicrous idea.

Surely nobody is so deluded as to think that adult siblings would want to live together long term!! They each have their own lives and will want/need their own homes, possibly of different types and in different places at different times.

That is as it should be. Nobody should attempt to tie them together, and trying to do so is doomed to failure.

shiningstar2 · 16/11/2019 17:43

They are fortunate if you want to help them to get onto the property ladder ...but not with so many strings attached. I would give them a deposit each of whatever you can afford when they are ready to buy then leave them to decide the type of property they want. I would not encourage them to buy together at this stage of their lives. They may not want to move on and sell at the same time, they man agree on what the property is worth if one wants to buy the other out. One might end up with a partner there all the time and the other not ...nightmare! In any of these or other scenarios they will blame you for the fall out. They presumably get on ok at the moment if there is even any talk of them buying together, but if they both have their own money invested in a property they don't agree about keeping/selling ext the family fall out could be terrible.

isspacethefinalfrontier · 16/11/2019 17:44

No, it’s a gift that comes with conditions if it needs work. Like gifting a car but then not paying for repairs.

Its like buying a banger and then expecting the receiver to make the monthly finance payments.

Lweji · 16/11/2019 17:46

the house I have suggested would involve them both having to get small mortgages

You're having a laugh at their expense, don't you? You want them tied to your conditions, plus 200k mortgaged in total?

Not only you're the spoilt brat, but your reasoning is faulty too.

Topseyt · 16/11/2019 17:46

Also, £100k each (so £200k in total) is certainly not a small mortgage.

If you are one of the children posting I say don't do this. You will regret it.

If you are the parent then I have no words to describe how ridiculous and controlling your behaviour is.

floraloctopus · 16/11/2019 17:53

They don't sound at all spoilt to me, they seem to be being very sensible.
If you bought a house then the maintenance of it and the garden would take more time than they seem to think they have, better that they say now than when you complain later.

MiniCooperLover · 16/11/2019 17:55

Give them the deposit money each and let them buy separately

HeyNotInMyName · 16/11/2019 17:55

They are right. This would be a nightmare not that far down the line.

  • When that house needs repairs and one of them can’t pay because of finances, what will happen?
  • When they don’t want to live together anymore, because one of them has a bf and wants to settle and have their independence, what will happen?
  • what if one of them wants to relocate somewhere else, due to work maybe, then what will happen?

A shared building like this is always the source of fights within families Ime.

Lizzie0869 · 16/11/2019 17:58

The OP has only posted one very short update after the original post. I find it hard to believe anyone could be so U, so I'm inclined to agree with posters suspecting that this is a reverse.

Bluerussian · 16/11/2019 18:21

I agree with what most posters are saying. In the op's position I would give each child money towards a deposit on whatever they want.

The other thing that could be done is for the op and her husband to buy a good house or flat for their children to live in but not own, until such time as they want to get their own place. That does happen. The Middletons bought a house in London which their three children lived in - I expect it's been sold now but they had it for a few years which was quite handy for them.

billybagpuss · 16/11/2019 18:21

This is the most bizarre thread I’ve read in a long time, my kids would murder each other if they had to move back in together now. You have some seriously bizarre expectations of them.

If you want to help give them the deposit for a property of their choice If you desperately want that house yourself as you’ve fallen in love with it, buy it for yourself and use it as a holiday let.

Notodontidae · 16/11/2019 18:33

When your prepared to buy a property for DC you need to be prepared to cover maintenance. You may have worked your life that way, and it worked for you, and obviously it could be a good investment. But think of it like this, let's say you always wanted a dog but never had one, so you buy your DCs a puppy, then tell them they will need to walk it at least twice a day 24/7, once it is house trained. Good luck

Talkingmouse · 16/11/2019 19:28

I suspect there is a lot of detail missing here, which would further highlight your controlling and infantilising nature.

Sexykitten2005 · 16/11/2019 20:09

Literally 8 pages here and the only time the OP came back was to comment that they DCs were expected to get a mortgage each on the house.

I don’t think this poster will be coming back

LtJudyHopps · 16/11/2019 20:51

You’re not buying them a house you’re giving them a deposit, picking the house for them and making them get the mortgage!
Just give them half the cash each so they can actually pick their own places and stop being so controlling. I doubt you will though.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 16/11/2019 21:00

It's not a gift if it places a massive burden onto them.

Are you just doing this for an ego boost?

amusedbush · 16/11/2019 21:01

My entire three bedroom house didn’t cost £100k! Fuck me, that isn’t a gift and I think your DC have been very reasonable to even discuss it as a possibility. If my parents suggested this to me I’d laugh them out of the room!

nobodyimportant · 16/11/2019 21:44

Why do you need to control where they live? Especially since you are only contributing to the cost and expecting them to fund the rest. Why do they need to live together? By all means, give them the money with the stipulation that they spend it on property but don't use that to try and dictate where they live and who they live with. They are adults who need to be able to make these decisions for themselves.

Lweji · 16/11/2019 22:05

I'm curious. Did your DDs move away from you, or did you move to a different place?

TurquoiseDress · 16/11/2019 22:26

no I don't think they are being spoilt brats- I think they are being quite sensible.

Yes a house would make more sense if they have children already and are looking for a family home

sounds like they are young and relatively free, buying a flat each would sound much more practical

Having to commit to do up a house, maintain the garden etc...it's definitely not something to take on lightly

I think you are being very generous with your offer, however, they should both get the final say as it will be them managing the day to day running and responsibility

TurquoiseDress · 16/11/2019 22:28

Just split the cash and provide them both with a deposit so that they can buy a separate property each

From friends who have bought with siblings, it really does not generally end well as they go in their different directions, want to sell up and move on, or move in partners and the other sibling feels like it's not their own home anymore etc etc

Bluerussian · 17/11/2019 01:54

It would be OK if the house was big enough for them to have private space other than their bedrooms and if it was not their house, but the OPs house, lent to them for however long they wanted it, then sold to provide them with deposits on their own places (or something towards deposit).

As I said, the three Middleton children lived in a house owned by their parents in London and that worked but it was big and they got on well.
I remember Twiggy saying that her daughter and her husband's daughter shared a house for a while owned by Twigs and Lee, and that worked for as long as they needed it; some siblings do click, others don't.

Most single young people who are busy with work and social life don't want the responsibility of house and garden maintenance. Blimey, I didn't even want it when I was first married, it was a pain!

Vanhi · 17/11/2019 06:46

I find it hard to believe anyone could be so U, so I'm inclined to agree with posters suspecting that this is a reverse

Well in that case, someone would be being unreasonable, just not the posters.

wafflyversatile · 17/11/2019 06:56

Why would you buy them something they don't want? If you actually want to do something nice for your children rather than just control them buy them what suits their purposes.

Maybe you should think if it as buying them a home rather than buying an investment. That's what flats and houses should be anyway. Homes.

Goldenchildsmum · 17/11/2019 07:17

If this is NOT a reverse

I want to buy you a place, it'll only cost you £100K each and you have to live together, and you have to do it up, and it's a place I like, not what you want. Aren't I generous?

WinkShock