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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is DD being a spoilt brat?

294 replies

Inlawsoutlaws · 16/11/2019 13:45

Myself and DH are in a lucky position where we can afford to buy somewhere for our grown up DCs (to live together). They are late twenties living in a very expensive European city. One has a short term boyfriend and the other is single.

DH and I want to buy a large house for them which would effectively use up our spare cash and be their inheritance. House in question is a bit tired and would require work. DCs are grateful but have said they don’t have the time or resources to manage house and garden and are concerned about the cost. They also see it as a short term arrangement and would rather buy a flat, which I am very against for various reasons (primarily do not see it as a good investment).

They are in such a fortunate position but can’t seem to see it! Are they being spoilt? We lock horns all the time about their reasoning but I want to get outside opinions

OP posts:
Mulhollandmagoo · 16/11/2019 16:17

In the nicest possible way, you're been really audacious to expect your children to take out £100k worth of debt each to live together in a house you have chosen and then to call them spoiled!

Surely you don't expect your adult children to live together? What happens in a few years when one of them gets married and has children of their own? The best thing to do here is either you and your husband buy the house and use it as an investment property, or you gift your children the deposit each on their own properties.

There is a massive potential you will cause irreparable damage to your relationship with your children if you move forward with your plans. They're adults and deserve a say in their own lives

Quartz2208 · 16/11/2019 16:23

Aah I get the investment idea you want to flip it get them to spend money on the mortgage time on doing it and then reap the benefits of selling it at the property

If this isn’t a reverse my god you are selfish and spoilt

If it isn’t I’m sorry but please just live your life and maybe visit the stately homes thread

saraclara · 16/11/2019 16:26

If you genuinely want to help them, you give the money without strings and let them buy what suits their needs, when they're ready to do so.

I've been fortunate enough (though I'm sure nowhere near as fortunate as you, OP) to be able to give each of my daughters enough for a deposit (but nowhere near a London deposit). It's in their own savings accounts and now nothing to do with me.

The only thing I asked (because I see it as the proportion of my savings that my late husband helped amass, and so a sort of inheritance from him) is that they legally ring fence it if they buy with a spouse/partner, so that if they ever split up, they keep their dad's money.

hopeishere · 16/11/2019 16:29

Agree you are being controlling.

What happens when they don;t want to live together? Also a £100k mortgage each!!

Get a buy to let and invest that way.

Prevegen4U · 16/11/2019 16:37

I'm doing the same thing for my son, who is about the same age. He is very grateful and doing a lot of the work himself after the builders did the main construction. So he's doing himself - along with his dad, the plumbing, electrical, heating/air conditioning, garden etc.

If he had a sibling he was sharing it with I could see big problems in future.

I would wait until they get their lives sorted and settled more before you help them out. My son has put down roots and knows what he wants to do with his life and has a fiancee.

CustardySergeant · 16/11/2019 16:39

I don't think they're either spoilt or brats and you should listen to what they say.

MeTheCoolOne · 16/11/2019 16:40

Either give them the money or don’t but don’t try and control them.

Feels a bit of a Reverse thread though....

Booboostwo · 16/11/2019 16:48

You are very controlling.

If you want an investment property buy one to your liking and leave your children out of it.

If you want to gift them some money so they can get on the property, lovely, but leave them to choose where they want to live and how much they want to spend on a mortgage.

Expecting your grown up children to live together is just weird, in a property of your choosing is controlling, and forcing them to take out a substantial mortgage for the privilege is just bonkers.

HeavyMetalHoneyMonster · 16/11/2019 16:49

What planet are you from?

isspacethefinalfrontier · 16/11/2019 16:56

What planet are you from?

The fur coat and no knickers one?

FridalovesDiego · 16/11/2019 16:56

So you are not buying them a house then? You are helping with the deposit. In that case they should choose their own homes, and in their late twenties why wouldn’t they just get one each?

WagtailRobin · 16/11/2019 16:59

I don't think you can buy your adult offspring a property and then seriously wonder if they are "spoilt", hmmm!

BIWI · 16/11/2019 16:59
Hmm
Starlet79 · 16/11/2019 17:02

I don’t think they are being spoilt. Maybe they haven’t got the time, money and skills to do up and maintain a house that needs work?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/11/2019 17:04

No, it’s a gift that comes with conditions if it needs work. Like gifting a car but then not paying for repairs.

They may also want to live independently rather than together at some point.

TatianaLarina · 16/11/2019 17:12

It’s an absurd idea. Whether OP’s a reverse or not.

I can understand why you’d want to buy them a freehold property rather than lease. But why not buy a house in two flats, one each and only a small garden.

Otherwise divide the sum of the house in two and gift it to each to put towards their own flats. That way they choose how much mortgage they want to take on.

BIWI · 16/11/2019 17:14

I don't know if it's a reverse, but it's a first

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/11/2019 17:15

No I don't think your daughters are being spoilt brats. You, on the other hand, need to have along hard look at yourself. Let's go over what you've posted here:

"DH and I want to buy a large house for them which would effectively use up our spare cash and be their inheritance. House in question is a bit tired and would require work."
Why do you want to buy this particular "tired" house? They don't want to buy this property, so why are you so keen to land them each with a £100,000 mortgage each on a property that doesn't meet their needs? WHY?

"DCs are grateful but have said they don’t have the time or resources to manage house and garden and are concerned about the cost."
I think your daughters are being very, very diplomatic here. You are trying to tie your daughters together into a property that doesn't suit them. They are very politely telling you this.

"They also see it as a short term arrangement and would rather buy a flat, which I am very against for various reasons (primarily do not see it as a good investment)."
Of course it would be a short-term arrangement - they are in their late twenties, they won't be living with each other forever! They will set up their own households sometime within the next decade. Maybe within the next six months. Your view on whether a flat would be a good investment is neither here nor there. Their view - as the people who would be living there - is the view that actually counts.

I can see you believe that what you are doing is a good thing, but it really isn't. Step back, and leave your late-twenties daughters to live their own lifes as they see fit. Stop trying to control where and how they live - it's not your call. Step back.

HugoSpritz · 16/11/2019 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DistanceCall · 16/11/2019 17:18

Really, really bad idea to give them a house to share. Terrible idea to share property with family. At some point, there will be disagreements, resentment, etc. And what happens if one of them wants to leave but the other can't outbuy her?

And yes, you're being controlling. This is what you want, not what they want.

Give them money, or buy each of them a flat. What's wrong with flats?

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/11/2019 17:20

abitoflight Sat 16-Nov-19 13:54:47
"I wouldn't give away my spare cash tbh
What if needed for care at home in case of illness etc"

I am wondering if @Inlawsoutlaws actually sees this large house as her future care home. Why else is she so keen to buy it and install both daughters there, tied by gratitude to become her and DH's carers? Damned if I can think of a reason otherwise.

SilverySurfer · 16/11/2019 17:26

You are being completely ridiculous, not to mention controlling and unwilling to see their very sensible point of view. Firstly, you are not buying them a house, you expect them both to have mortgages of £100k each and have no say in the property. It's totally impractical for the future as others have outlined, a flat each is much more sensible but your massive ego will acknowledge none of this.

If I was one of your DDs I would be telling you where to stick your money, where the sun don't shine.

Mollychristmas · 16/11/2019 17:27

I was about to say that I think your idea is fine IF you do, manage and pay for all of the upkeep and all of the refurbishment, then you said about them both getting 100k mortgage each to go towards it and I know think you are utterly unhinged.

iklboo · 16/11/2019 17:32

I'd have to be 'Thanks mum / dad, but kiss my puckered one'.

stucknoue · 16/11/2019 17:34

I think they are being sensible. They don't want the burden of a house with maintenance needs, they will also be conscious in their late 20's that their circumstances may change quite soon, perhaps there's things you don't know either. Offer them both money when they are ready to buy

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