Is DD being a spoilt brat?

[Inlawsoutlaws]

Myself and DH are in a lucky position where we can afford to buy somewhere for our grown up DCs (to live together). They are late twenties living in a very expensive European city. One has a short term boyfriend and the other is single.

DH and I want to buy a large house for them which would effectively use up our spare cash and be their inheritance. House in question is a bit tired and would require work. DCs are grateful but have said they don’t have the time or resources to manage house and garden and are concerned about the cost. They also see it as a short term arrangement and would rather buy a flat, which I am very against for various reasons (primarily do not see it as a good investment).

They are in such a fortunate position but can’t seem to see it! Are they being spoilt? We lock horns all the time about their reasoning but I want to get outside opinions

[Brakebackcyclebot]

Why don't you gift each of them half the money and let them each decide what property to spend it on?

They are in their late 20s - how long do you think they will want to live together for? You buy a house between them & it's a recipe for disaster. Their lives won't run in parallel. One may move to work somewhere else, they may want to live with partners/marry. They may want their own space.

I think you are putting conditions on the 'gift' - "we'll give you this money but only if we control what you buy with it". Very controlling behaviour. If I were your child would decline your offer - too many strings attached.

They are not acting like spoilt brats. You are acting like an overly controlling parent.

[Quartz2208]

This is one of those looks like a lovely grand gesture but actually comes with so many conditions attached it is a poisoned chalice

A flat is the far more practical and sensible choice

You clearly has fallen for a house and are using this to make it work but your children don’t want it. It’s ironic you are calling your DD spoilt

[adaline]

Why do they have to live together? I can't imagine many people wanting to buy a house with their brother or sister!

[MzHz]

We could have bought ourselves a massive house etc, and we have loads of time to do stuff, but it’s absolutely pointless buying something they don’t have time for, upkeep is expensive and they WONT want to share long term

You’re treating them like children. They’re right to reject this ludicrous idea.

You want an investment property? Buy one yourselves and let it out, then liquidate whenever suits.

Best idea is to give them a chunk of cash (as a no strings gift) and let them decide what they want to do

You’re not helping them, you’re suiting yourselves and making it their problem

[RebootYourEngine]

I don't think they are spoilt.

I actually think you are the one in the wrong here. You are trying to dictate how your adult DC live their lives.

What happens when they want to.start a family, move somewhere else, fall out with each other.

[Brakebackcyclebot]

I re-read your post and this stood out:

They.... would rather buy a flat, which I am very against for various reasons (primarily do not see it as a good investment)

Is this an investment or a gift to help your children? An investment for whom?

I think you need to ask yourselves what your intentions are here....

[RhiWrites]

I think they’re right. Why should they live together in a large house and maintain it? It’s not generous to decide for other people how they should live.

What happens when one gets serious about a partner and wants to move out but can’t afford to buy the other pit of their share? Then the one left behind has all this responsibility on their own. And if they sold it you’d complain.

I think you sound super controlling.

[NoSauce]

Acquiring a house that needs work doing plus a garden to maintain isn’t all that. In fact it could be a huge burden. I don’t think you should stipulate where they should live really.

A flat sounds more realistic to what they need.

[FLOrenze]

This strikes me as a a gift with conditions. It is not spoilt to request something else. I can’t think of any reason why young single girls would want to be saddled with a house. It has to be cleaned, maintained and may become a drain on their resources.

After my Dad died my mum offered us his car. We absolutely could not afford to run a car. Our refusal caused her to call us ungrateful.

I don’t think you have thought this through enough.

[PullingMySocksUp]

I’d either invest the money how you want to, or split it and give them it in cash.

[Merryoldgoat]

Sorry but I think YABU.

No one wants to have their free-time dictated to.

A house involves a fair amount of maintenance they obviously aren’t interested in. Additionally it sounds like you’re buying a fixer upper and expect them to fix it up, or have I misunderstood?

[firawla]

Much better to give them half the money each or a deposit for a flat each. Shared house sounds like a disaster and if it needs work they will struggle selling it on, then stuck together for the foreseeable future - easy way to sour family relationship all round

[sirfredfredgeorge]

The only people sounding spoilt are you. Declining an obligation is perfectly sensible of them, refusing to understand their very sensible perspective and calling them spoilt simply because they don't agree with your opinion.

As they say, they can't maintain a large house, either in cost or time, they don't actually want to be tied to the area, or have the problem of splitting a house when one of them wants a family.

[pooopypants]

Personally I'd split the money as opposed to tying them into living together. What will happen when one / both get partners, have children etc?


I don't think they sound spoilt, they sound very reasonable

[Bluerussian]

A flat sounds better to me. In UK flats are as much of a good investment as houses.

[Chocolateandamaretto]

I have a friend who is one of the daughters in this scenario and honestly it’s been a nightmare. Her sister lived abroad for a while but she doesn’t want anything done in the flat without her input because it’s half hers, it needed loads of work which was costing them oodles of money, when her sister moved back it was really awkward being there with her boyfriend and sister etc etc

If you have the money give them both a deposit and leave them to it.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Nope, the issue here is you :)

But there is no way you'll be able to see that, I imagine.

If you want to invest your money your way, buy a big house and you devote your weekends to doing it up.

This isn't how they want to live the next few years of their lives. It's not 'lucky' to have your parent effectively planning your domestic lifestyle for you. Not lucky at all.

[OMGshefoundmeout]

They are being practical not spoilt. Buying them somewhere they don’t want and can’t manage or maintain would be a burden to them not a gift.

[Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe]

You sound like lovely generous parents and you seem to have very sensible children,However if you are giving them this money it must be freely given , You can;t say you We will buy you a house but it has to be this one as we think its best! Its the best for who? If they disagree would they not get a home? I think they are being so sensible in their argument about upkeep and living costs that you should listen to them,Be proud they are savvy and careful ...They sound brill kids with their priorities right and their heads screwed on ...you and your dh did that in raising them...you know they are right too! It is a wonderful thing you are both doing though helping them like this.Top parenting and top kids...don;t let a small clash spoil it.

[Spied]

What if they don't maintain it?
What if one wants to move out ( or is pushed).Will you help them to buy another property?

[Teachermaths]

They sound very sensible and level headed. You are giving them something with huge strings attached. Gifts should be actual gifts that people want, not "I want you to do this so here it is".

[EleanorReally]

buy a house and rent it out
i think it is reasonable that they may not have time to Do Up a house
plus they wont want to live together long term.

[fairynick]

I don’t think a gift should ever come with terms and conditions. Either give them their inheritance early or don’t. But don’t make them spend it on something that they don’t want and then call them ungrateful. YABU.

[category12]

If you're also prepared to pay for someone to do up the house and a gardener you'd have a point, but it's unrealistic to expect your dds to live in a run-down place and have to find the money and time to work on it and keep it up. How will you feel if you did buy this place, and they don't make it nice?

It's lovely that you want to do this for them, but it's very much a strings-attached thing. you only want to give them what you think they should want, not what they say themselves they need.

[EleanorReally]

so they move in, do it up, and sell it, how would you feel then?