Is DD being a spoilt brat?

[Inlawsoutlaws]

Myself and DH are in a lucky position where we can afford to buy somewhere for our grown up DCs (to live together). They are late twenties living in a very expensive European city. One has a short term boyfriend and the other is single.

DH and I want to buy a large house for them which would effectively use up our spare cash and be their inheritance. House in question is a bit tired and would require work. DCs are grateful but have said they don’t have the time or resources to manage house and garden and are concerned about the cost. They also see it as a short term arrangement and would rather buy a flat, which I am very against for various reasons (primarily do not see it as a good investment).

They are in such a fortunate position but can’t seem to see it! Are they being spoilt? We lock horns all the time about their reasoning but I want to get outside opinions

We have grown up dcs who we have helped - separately - to buy their own homes - homes of their own choosing. But they were both mid 30s.

When they were younger, early 20s, I did consider buying a property for them to share - in the end it wasn't practical since they were working in different parts of the country. But it would definitely have been a flat. A house needing work might well be a very good investment long term, but IMO that sort of purchase is for a stable couple who intend to stay there a few years at least, not for younger singles.

Renovations are nearly always a very time-consuming, stressful and expensive hassle - not a thing most relatively young singles would want to be saddled with, especially when they are probably trying to get established in a career, as well as wanting a fairly active social life.

IMO your dcs are being perfectly sensible about it, and it's quite OTT to accuse your dd of being a spoilt brat.

You are being very very unreasonable. And controlling. And a £100 k mortgage, whilst not large, is not ‘small’ either. You are essentially wanting your adult children to be the custodians of your investment. That is breathtakingly unreasonable. You have hopefully realised that by now.

I somehow don't expect this OP to be still reading this thread. 🤣

At that time of life a house will only feel like a burden to them. Tell them they each can have x amount towards a property purchase and then respect their decisions.

Yes they are spoilt. Why can't they pay their own way?

Yes they are spoilt. Why can't they pay their own way?

Are you reading the same thread as everyone else?

@category12 has nailed it I think - this is a 'seagulling' thread, OP dumped a load and disappeared...

Wow. Not only are you insisting on buying them a house they have to live in together they also have to get £100k mortgages each too. You sound very controlling

We need an acronym for "came back once, realised it wasn't going their way, buggered off permanently

Surely we already have one? T R O L L ?

Well fuck me aren’t you lovely. Why does it have to be what you want when you’re making them pay for it? Let them chose or buy their own seperate flats?
Are you the DDs and this is a reverse?

I don't understand how one house for 2 couples works?

Laughing my head off at "a small mortgage each (approx £100k)". How the other half live, eh

Be honest with what you want OP

If you want to help your children with money/deposits, help them by giving them separate sums that they can use to get on the property ladder in areas they want to live/with properties they can maintain, with no strings.

If you want to buy an investment property, buy an investment property and put the work in, dont attempt to use their ability to get a mortgage etc as leverage to your plans/or coerce them into carrying out and funding renovations on a property for your plans.

If you want to fuck up family relationships between yourself and your children, potentially mess up their sibling relationship, tie them to a property and financial commitment that they have already said is not suitable for them, and in lots of ways prevent them from moving on with their lives (if they want to relocate/buy with a partner/change their life in any way they may end up being limited by the arrangement you have set up) then fucking crack on with your plans and keep calling them spoilt.

Can you guess which of these 3 approaches my family used? Can you guess how many years it took some of us to get out of these 'its for your benefit' arrangements and stop pissing money away maintaining, renting and renovating white elephants in places we no longer lived in?
Can you guess which generations personal relationships suffered and in some cases broke down completely under the strain of being financially constrained and unable to 'leave and cleave' eg set up our own homes and lives because of these arrangements?
Can you guess how good it was for the grandkids to move rentals all the time & live in unstable and sometimes unsuitable accommodation because their parents money was committed to properties regarded as GPs pension pot?
Can you guess how difficult it was to extricate and sort out all the details and eventually walk away with piss all to show for all those years of financial constraint other than damaged relationships, new boundaries and a firm resolve never to treat your own children that way? Actually, that last bit is quite easy.

I totally understand you and think they are lazy and ungrateful. Flats will always sell in the city but buying 2 would be a stretch and then there are service charges etc so are ok for an investment but not great as a home. I despise my flat and the services charges have not been affordable since getting sick but am stuck. A large house which needs work sounds great, a cheaper solution which could even be split to make 2 households. Without having to pay rent, they have the money to do that and maintain the place. They sound like most people now, who want an instant home with no work required.

There are a couple of tropes on this site which always seem to be embraced:

A woman’s view is generally correct and, even if a man appears to be more reasonable, there must be ‘hidden’ factors,

More strangely, young people, especially if the word ‘child’ is invoked, have valid opinions and need to be listened to whereas parents are generally selfish and ‘manipulative’, no matter how hard they try.

The second trope probably trumps the first.

I agree that doing up a house may be an unwanted burden for the children and they may not want to live together. However, they have been offered a simple choice of the house or nothing, which is better than just being offered nothing. If they don’t like the idea, there is a really simple response: ‘thanks for the lovely gesture but I prefer to look after myself’.

Tubbymummy44 Mon 18-Nov-19 00:27:12
Laughing my head off at "a small mortgage each (approx £100k)". How the other half live, eh hmm
..........
It's unfortunately a fact that people have huge mortgages, more than £100,000, because property is expensive. I feel very sorry for those starting out nowadays, having such a rope around their necks never mind saving up for a deposit.

I was looking on Rightmove (a hobby though I might move in a year or two), thinking that now I'm on my own, all I need is a two bedroomed house/cottage or even a garden flat as long as it was good. Couldn't see anything suitable under £450,000 and that was a bungalow in a not particularly attractive road.

Btw I do have (inherited) a 2 bed flat in an attractive block in Norfolk (I live on edge of London), which will be sold as soon as possible and the service charges are very reasonable. The value has certainly gone up since bought and when the mortgage is paid off, there will be a profit so I disagree that flats are not a good investment.

Therefore I conclude that young people will have to take out mortgages of more than £200,000.

I think the op is being unrealistic in expecting her children to live in a 'doer upper' (doing up never stops), when they are young, single and don't expect to stay in the house for that long. They won't have the time for a start. As others have said, far better to give them each some money towards a deposit on whatever they want which is something they will appreciate.

There should be no strings attached to a gift.

Buy a house, do it up yourself and leave it to the DDs later. It does not sound as if they are practically or mentally in a place in which to value a generous gesture like yours, OP. Also, owning a property with a sibling in fraught with problems.

My DD knows a couple where the man bought a flat with his brother. He did better financially than his brother and now, about to buy a property with his GF, needs his equity out of the flat for a deposit and the DB is too poor to give it or allow the flat to be sold. The chap will also pay the extra property stamp duty premium. The friend and his GF are stuck and cannot afford to move on with their lives.

I've bought flats and a house. Doer uppers and good condition.

I disagree that "offering" to buy a doer upper house that comes with mortgage and living together attached is a reasonable option.

The cost and effort of doing up a house is substantial and can be worse than a flat. Even worse than service charges.

Many pps have explained why it's not a good idea to buy it for them together.
They're late 20s, not teenagers going to college.

I tend to ignore pps that start off posts with claims of MN bias rather than the issues at hand with their reasoning. And I'm one that quite often goes against the majority of pps on a thread. It's lazy and biased posting. It shows a lot about such pps.

Your DCs sound very polite. They are probably wondering what you've been drinking

They have a reasonable point. They don't want to be in a house, with the associated mai teen thing that requires renovations - I wouldn't at that age either. If you don't want to listen to them and their opinions, don't buy it for them.

Not sure if feasible but I'd buy two flats instead of one house.

WARNING: I've heard many a story where there's been a fall out where one dc wants to move out of house but the other dc doesn't quite yet.

@jade9390 Without having to pay rent, they have the money to do that and maintain the place.

That and the £100k mortgage each the OP wants them to take out.

One of the most controlling things I've ever read.

I would offer them each a lump sum towards a property. There's absolutely no way I'd want to live with my siblings as an adult. Recipe for disaster. And you shouldn't be so involved in one of the biggest purchases of their lives. Either it's a gift, or it's a means of control.

Unlikely that they will both live in the house together when they have families... this will be an administrative problem later too.

Depends on their jobs - if they have busy jobs it is very difficult to do house stuff (especially dealing with builders etc) while you are working long hours. If you personally think it is better to get this place as a family because you will gain as a family, then pitch it to them like that - as a business proposal that would require investment of effort on their part but with potential to have high gains which they would share. Think about getting gardener etc to make it easier for them to manage. I have relatives that did this and it did work out well financially but was hard to manage for the kids. An alternative would be to help them with deposits when they need to get a place (in the location they would like - which it would be difficult to know at this stage).