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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How dare they?

243 replies

astralweaks · 16/11/2019 12:21

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/nov/16/a-letter-to-our-neighbours-with-a-baby

The above is in today’s Guardian. Thoughts?
I think the author and his partner have shown remarkable restraint and been far too polite.

OP posts:
category12 · 16/11/2019 12:54

Bizarre.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 16/11/2019 12:55

Yeah I read this, author comes across as a total arse. My first thought was that the neighbours probably had no idea that the crying was audible through the wall. I wouldn’t expect terraced walls to be so thin that normal family life was audible. Presumably the author and his wife were fairly quiet so the couple with the baby would not have heard sound coming the other way.

The twats next door should just have mentioned it tactfully to them rather than letting their anger fester away and become some sort of childfree vs children ideological conflict.

category12 · 16/11/2019 12:57

If it bothers the childless couple so much, why don't they move bedrooms or insulate their walls?

It's recommended that parents sleep in the same room with their babies so expecting them to put her at risk by putting her in a different room so that the neighbours can sleep undisturbed is ridiculous.

hsegfiugseskufh · 16/11/2019 12:57

Can tell the author doesnt have kids. Stupid selfish twat.

Move house if its that bad.

NormaBean · 16/11/2019 13:00

All of these response saying if you don’t want to be bothered by a baby then buy a detached house - why should they be the ones to move? They didn’t ask for this, I’m pretty sure the parents didn’t consult their neighbours or take a poll on whether baby noise would be a welcome addition to their household.

Shouldn’t the parents have preempted the inevitability of noise bothering neighbours and bought themselves a detached house?

The obvious response to that is why should they have to? What if they can’t afford to?

So why level the same stupid question against the neighbours?

littlepaddypaws · 16/11/2019 13:02

people don't seem to be able to speak to each other anymore unless it through text or social media.

Autumntoowet · 16/11/2019 13:02

My experience as a child-free person is that we very much have a child-worshipping culture in this country. The writer is not wrong there. But I don't think that should have prevented him speaking to the neighbours.
My experience as someone who has lived in 6 countries across the world is that we don’t.
Children are not different entities, they are part of society.

hsegfiugseskufh · 16/11/2019 13:02

norma because its them who have the problem.

LadyRenoir · 16/11/2019 13:03

@ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens
What if you have an inbuilt wardrobe. Or a small bedroom. Current guidelines recommend having a baby in your room for at least 6 months. Moving furniture around is not an option for everyone.
As others people mention, having neighbours can be inconvenient for many reasons. Our neighbours do BBQs every time the sun is out so we can't dry our laundry. Some people party every weekend. The author of the article may not realise maybe he makes noise that his neighbours can hear too.
If it's an issue, why does he not move the bedroom instead of expecting new parents to bend over backwards?

category12 · 16/11/2019 13:03

It says in the article that "we moved in next door to you, only a few days before your daughter was born". So the parents were there first, NormaBean.

HundredMilesAnHour · 16/11/2019 13:03

My experience as a child-free person is that we very much have a child-worshipping culture in this country.

Totally agree with this. And it's quite apparent from some of the child-worshipping responses on this thread who are all blaming the author rather than the total lack of consideration/thought shown by the parents of the baby. I imagine this is exactly why the author didn't complain to the parents. Because he'd have been met by the same responses and told the author should move their bedroom etc. Clearly baby-brain is a long term condition.

NormaBean · 16/11/2019 13:03

But they’re not the cause of the problem.

ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens · 16/11/2019 13:04

Children are not different entities, they are part of society

That doesn't really have anything to do with whether we have a child-worshipping culture or not. We are all part of society, but some members of society are valued and venerated more than others.

hsegfiugseskufh · 16/11/2019 13:04

norma no but they're unhappy with the situation so if they want to change it then they have to move.

HundredMilesAnHour · 16/11/2019 13:05

If it's an issue, why does he not move the bedroom instead of expecting new parents to bend over backwards?

Because he's not the one responsible for all the fucking noise?

Autumntoowet · 16/11/2019 13:05

Totally agree with this. And it's quite apparent from some of the child-worshipping responses on this thread who are all blaming the author rather than the total lack of consideration/thought shown by the parents of the baby. I imagine this is exactly why the author didn't complain to the parents. Because he'd have been met by the same responses and told the author should move their bedroom etc. Clearly baby-brain is a long term condition.

What is the suggestion to keep a baby quiet then?
“Child-workshopping”
Really?
Have you lived anywhere else?

Lizzie0869 · 16/11/2019 13:06

The writer definitely should have mentioned the noise to the parents politely, so that they could do something about it, such as closing the window so that the baby's crying doesn't disturb them too much. Personally, I've found that a polite request really does work; even in a uni hall of residence, noisy students apologised and reduced their noise level when I told them that I was trying to sleep.

Clymene · 16/11/2019 13:07

What a passive-aggressive arse this man is

category12 · 16/11/2019 13:08

Countless people live next door to children. It's normal life and normal noise that these people are objecting to.

It's like moving in next to a pub and complaining about the late-night noise and pissed-up people leaving. Or moving into the countryside and complaining about the cockerels crowing and the tractors.or moving near a school and complaining about the parking and noise at breaktimes.

I can understand if someone complains about actual anti-social behaviour and preventable noise, but not getting yourself in a outrage about people going about their normal lives.

ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens · 16/11/2019 13:09

What if you have an inbuilt wardrobe. Or a small bedroom. Current guidelines recommend having a baby in your room for at least 6 months. Moving furniture around is not an option for everyone.

I realise that. That's why I added the sentence Obviously it might not be possible - to cater for the sorts of scenarios you have mentioned.

I say again, my point was that the complainant should have spoken to the neighbours.

Regarding being in same room as baby -

a. An option might be for the parents to move rooms alongside the baby (again, may not be feasible but could be considered)
b. It might have been more bearable for the neighbours if they'd known when it would stop - they could have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, at least.

WhatsInAName19 · 16/11/2019 13:11

My experience as a parent tells me that we definitely don’t have a “child-worshipping culture”. A lot of the general public would like it if we raised our kids with a Victorian “seen but not heard” approach. Unless you’ve experienced a restaurant visit, trip to the shops, bus journey, flight, or basically any public outing, with a child who is chatty or a bit lively (no, I’m not using these as euphemisms for “naughty”) and been on the receiving end of the tuts, sighs, dirty looks and whispering then I can well imagine that you don’t see it. I do not allow my children to run amok and misbehave (not to say that they don’t, like all children, have occasional bad days where I have no choice but to still do the supermarket shop), but I won’t demand silence from them every time we leave the house (or even in our own home as this writer would like) and I won’t apologise for perfectly normal behaviour.

A portion of the people in society are children. If a person finds the ordinary behaviour of children, with associated noise and movement at normal levels, to be distressing then my suggestion would be that they choose a detached house in a remote location and select adult-only venues for socialising.

Did this writer not realise that living in a semi or terrace means you will hear noise from next door? Did he not realise that a family might live there at some point?

hsegfiugseskufh · 16/11/2019 13:11

It might have been more bearable for the neighbours if they'd known when it would stop - they could have seen the light ar the end of the tunnel, at least

Hahahahaha! Wouldn't we all

ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens · 16/11/2019 13:11

It's like moving in next to a pub and complaining about the late-night noise and pissed-up people leaving.

Not really, because you'd know there was a pub there when you moved in, whereas you wouldn't know that your neighbours were planning to have a baby.

Curtainly · 16/11/2019 13:11

It's obviously unreasonable, but it is irritating heating a screaming baby through the walls at all hours. It's part of not living alone on a remote island though. When we had DS we asked the neighbours to let us know if they heard anything, they always said no; perhaps out of awkwardness or politeness, but we did try to minimise what they would be likely to hear.

MotherOfDragonite · 16/11/2019 13:12

One word: earplugs!

It's not like babies are a lifestyle choice. FFS.

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